Doubts

Date sent:
20 April 2000
From:
TheDamnBee
Subject:
Story takes place after Amor Fati
Author:
TheDamnBee
E-mail:
[email protected]
Category:
M/S friendship, MSR
Rated:
PG
Spoiler:
Milagro, Amor Fati, (Tempus Fugit/Max)
Disclaimer:
Mulder, Scully, Padgett and all the other wonderful
characters don't belong to me but their incredible
creator Chris Carter, FOX and 1013. I don't own
them, so don't sue, there is nothing I could give
you ;-)
The story is mine, anyway :-D
Summary:
Mulder and Scully face the events of Milagro and
Amor Fati. Doesn't the title say all? :-)
Author notes:
I know I have already said this but for those of
you who haven't read one of my stories, yet:
Forgive a poor German girl her mistakes. I am doing
my best but there can still be some mistakes.
Sorry. So be kind :-)
Nevertheless, criticism and feedback are the things
I live for! So if you have some minutes for me,
please review this story or e-mail me.
Archive:
Yeah, sure. Yet, please ask me first and tell me
where it's going




This story is dedicated to all the other creative authors out there.
You are all wonderful.


Before I start, let me say thanks once again to ShyShipper, the
funniest accountant on Earth, Dannana for betaing my fanfic (What
would I do without ya?), my parents for paying my high internet
bill, my friends for not leaving me because I spent so much time on
writing and special thanks go to David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson
who invest so much love and passion in making their characters live.
Oh, and thanks to all you readers out there who have encouraged me
to keep writing.


So here we go.....


Doubts
by TheDamnBee



Part One

FBI Headquarters
Washington D.C.
Friday, 6:30 p.m.


"Norman, Nunding, Nunio, Oldmann, Omley, Oxley, Pabuelo,
Alderton..."
"Alderton?" Dana Scully raised her eyebrow and sighed. She had spent
the whole day indefatigably trying to place hundreds of cases that
were lying in the file cabinet in the right order. It was not her
usual task during her work at the FBI but since her partner had not
been there for the pass 5 days, she had decided to take the
possibility to try to get some order into the chaos that could not
be called a file cabinet anymore. Of course not. It looked as if a
bomb had exploded in the basement office. The days she had spent in
Africa while Mulder had been suffering from a mysterious
extraterrestrial virus had not improved the situation. Now here she
was, standing in front of the file cabinet, trying to improve the
mess caused by her partner. She admired Mulder for the love and the
passion he always invested in his job and his search for the truth
but she hated to be the one who had to fix the chaos afterwards. Why
wasn't it possible for him to take the closed files and put them
into the right file cabinet instead of throwing them all around?
What made it so difficult to place a file into the right
alphabetical section? Scully sighed again when she put the Alderton
file under the A-section of the cabinet.
Suddenly she had to smile and felt a feeling of regret for the
thoughts that had been going through her mind a few seconds ago. Did
she really hate it?
She had to laugh when she found another A-case in the P-section of
the cabinet. No, she was happy to find the files in the wrong order.
Yes, she really was. Feeling she had almost lost him a few days ago,
she now realized that he might have never come back, never smiled at
her again, never ate his sunflower seeds and he had probably never
placed a file in the wrong order again. She could not put into words
how happy she was to know he was alive, breathing, laughing and
crying.
Yet, the recent incidents had shown her how vulnerable she had
become, how sensitive. Maybe she was more scared to lose him
forever, to lose his strenght. Never before had she needed his
strenght more than she had in the pass days when she had been unsure
of what to believe, who to trust and what to think or feel.
Normally, she had been the one who had lead him through all his pain
and suffer and now she was the one who was in need of comfort and
support. It was not that she hated to be in need for comfort and
warmth but usually, she did not allow herself to open up to someone
very often. Confusion had almost killed her some days ago until she
had finally felt his arms around her when he assured her that there
was nothing to be scared of. Her mother had once told her that you
never know what you have until you have almost lost it. Now, Scully
was thankful that she had known it before she had almost lost
Mulder. And she had no doubt that Mulder already knew how much he
meant to her. No doubt. At least, she had also told him he was her
touchstone, her constant. So he could not have any doubts about her
feelings for him, he could not.

"Okay, Mr. Akinsale, let's put you behind Mrs. Akansy. I think you
both will like each other", Scully said with an evil smile on her
face when she thought about the fact that both had a certain liking
for killing their neighbours.
Sometimes she wondered how many killers, monsters, vampires and
aliens were 'lying' here in the cabinets. She took a long breath and
pulled off her white jacket before she went on. It was extremely
warm in Mulder's office although it was still spring. Yet, it was a
wonderful warm day outside and before Scully could ask herself what
the hell she was doing here instead of joining the other people
outside and taking the pleasure of a walk through the park, she took
the next files and put them into their right order.
"Hm, Packard, Padgett...."
'PADGETT, PHILIPP' was written in capital letters on the front of
the file she held in her hand. Scully felt uncomfortable with the
special file in her hand. She knew all too well what had almost
happened to her while she and Mulder had been working on the Padgett
case. Yet, it was not just the fact that someone had almost killed
her that caused this indefinable feeling. It was Padgett and his
uncomfortable and direct way of showing his feelings for her. It was
the things he had written about her, things he had said about her.
Those things she had always refused to believe although she had
enjoyed imagining them to a certain extent. She was feeling
uncomfortable since she had never wanted Mulder to know these
personal, private things. Somehow she had felt guilty when Mulder
had confronted her with Padgett's book that had revealed so much of
her privacy, her soul, her desires. She could not explain why since
she and Mulder were just friends and partners and she had always
been trying to push this feeling away and now it was all coming back
to her. She took the Milagro charm Padgett had given her out of the
file attachments and stared at it while she held it in her hand.
Just when she thought about the reason why it had attracted her
once, she heard somebody open the door and turned around. She did
not recognize that the Milagro fell out of her hand on the ground.

"I knew you would be curious about my video collection, Scully but
you are searching at the wrong place."

"Mulder!" Scully quickly put the file into the cabinet and made her
way to Mulder.

He was not wearing his usual FBI suit but jeans and a blue shirt.
Only the identity card that was fastened on his shirt made it clear
that he was an FBI agent. She could see that he did not wear his
baseball cap anymore but his dark hair was still short and she could
see the scar on his head which had resulted from the operation and
all the cruel things they had done to him. She shuddered at this
thought.

"Mulder", she repeated, "What are you doing here? You planned to
come back next Monday. Are you okay?"
Scully carefully touched the scar on his head and Mulder rested his
hand on hers.

"Yeah, just thought I'd visit you and check if everything is okay
with the video collection."
Mulder gave her a short grin.

Scully sighed.
"Mulder, please..."
Before she could continue, Mulder interrupted her.

"Okay, okay, partner. Staying at home all day is killing me, Scully.
I needed to do something so I thought I'd finish some open reports
and check all things that I couldn't finish before my, well, before
I got ill. Will you say you are not happy to see me, Scully? That
disappoints me."


Scully smiled. She loved his patented Mulder humour. He was one of
the few persons who could always make her laugh. Of course, she was
not the one who was serious all the time but for some reason she
just did not like to show her feelings to other people and so she
was glad Mulder had the ability to make her laugh. She just could
not resist him when he was teasing her in such a way.

"Mulder, you know that I am happy to have you here." Mulder stared
into her eyes the way he had some days ago in the hallway. Then,
Scully broke the silence.

" I, uh, I am happy you are here, so you can help me removing the
mess formerly known as Fox Mulder's file cabinet.

"What? What does that mean, Scully? What do you mean with 'mess'? He
walked to the file cabinet, opened it and then gave Scully his
'What-have-I-done' look.

"As far as I can see, everything is in its place, Scully."

Scully went to him and made herself comfortable on the desk.

"Aha. So you would say everything is in its place when you find Mr.
Burton before Mr. Adley, eh?" She tucked one strand of her red hair
behind her left ear and raised an eyebrow at him.

"I suppose they won't kill each other, Scully. They are already
dead."

Scully shook her head. He could not stop teasing her. Yet, she was
glad to see him in such an excellent mood. She would not tell him,
certainly not.
When he saw her shaking her head, he added, "Come on, Scully. What
did you expect of a man who is always typing his reports with two
fingers?"

He turned to her and then sat down next to his partner on the desk.

"Okay, Mulder, you win. Maybe it's really not a good idea to go on
with this. I am tired and if you don't mind I will make my way home
now. Yet, I think I will spend some time in the park and try to
catch some fresh air. Wanna go with me?"

"Ah, maybe next time, Scully. I prefer inhaling the dust that is
lying on my video tapes here."

Scully rolled her eyes.

"Oh boy."

"What?" Mulder grinned at her.

Scully took her jacket off the chair and walked to the door. "Good
night, Mulder" she said when she opened it.

"Good night, Scully."

"Um, Scully?"

Scully turned her head.

"Yes?"

"What about Fox Mulder's file cabinet?"

"Well, Mulder, as you put it, it's FOX MULDER'S file cabinet."
Without another word she had left the office.


FBI Headquarters
7:30 p.m.


"Damn!" Mulder murmured when realizing he had written the wrong word
again. He sighed and rested his head on his desk. He was having a
terrible headache and innerly, he already hated himself for having
been so stupid to study and write some reports instead of recovering
on his sofa at home. He was thankful Scully was not there to give
him her usual 'Why-are-you-doing-this-again-and-again, Mulder'
speech. On the other hand he wished she was there to tell him this.
Having decided to leave the office and to get some fresh air
instead, he stood up from his chair and put the case he had been
working on during the pass hour in the file cabinet.
"Okay, let's see..." He searched for the right alphabetical section
to put the case in. Suddenly he had to laugh when he thought about
the fact that again, something Scully had said had a certain effect
on him. He had to cough and suddenly it felt as if an elephant was
running through his head! Rubbing his forehead with his hand, he
decided to hurry up. He had to get out of there, quickly, and he
took his key when...
"Oh dammit!" he cried when he saw his key had fallen on the floor.
That was definitely not his day. Definitely not.
"Okay, where is the camera?!" he murmured angrily when he got down
on his knees to search the key.
He tried to reach his arm under the desk that stood next to the file
cabinets when he finally found his key and...
"What's that?"
There was something else lying under the desk.
He reached under the desk again and could not say a word when he
finally reached it. Mulder stared instantly at the little, familiar
metallic thing in his hand. A million thoughts went through his mind
and he could not do anything against them. Desire, lust, passion,
love, fear, anger, all these associations were flooding his brain at
the moment and he could clearly hear Padgett's words 'Agent Scully
is already in love'. Padgett; Mulder could not decide how to feel
about him. On the one hand, he amired him for his ability to
describe his personal and secret wishes and feelings, for the way
his words had touched Scully. Of course, they had touched her.
Scully was a woman who liked to get compliments the same way other
women got them. On the other hand, he was angry about the way
Padgett had made Scully feeling uncomfortable. Or was it just
jealousy about the fact that a man she had known for just a short
moment had caused reactions and feelings in his partner by just
giving her this very Milagro charm Mulder was now holding in his
hand? He did not know how to feel about Padgett but what scared him
even more was, that he did not know how exactly Scully had felt and
was still feeling about his former neighbor. Was he just a lovelorn
Romeo to her as she had pretended when she had first spoken of the
Milagro with Mulder? Or was she still thinking about Padgett? If
not, why had she taken the Milagro charm out of the cabinet, then?
What did it still symbolize for her?

Mulder jumped to his feet and put the Milagro into his pocket. Why
the hell was he thinking about it? And wasn't it Scully's personal
thing if she wanted to have the charm? He knew how Scully felt about
him, didn't he? She had gone to Africa a few days ago to save him
and she had told him he was her touchstone, her constant. And hadn't
the way she had let her thumbs linger over his lips said all? So
what did he want? What was this all about?

"Ouch!" Mulder felt the painful stitches in his head once again as
he closed the office door.


Part Two

Near the FBI Headquarters
Washington D.C.
7:45 p.m.


"Here you are, young man", Scully smiled when she gave the red ball
back to a 5 year-old boy who was bowing his head while standing in
front of her. He did not hesitate a moment to take his ball and run
back to the three other young boys that were playing soccer in the
park. Scully had been watching them for about an hour now while she
was sitting on a bench in a park and she had not noticed that it had
been almost an hour since she had left the office for a walk in the
park. Every time she saw children playing football, baseball or
whatsoever, it reminded her of her childhood. How often had she gone
out to a park with Bill and Charlie to play some games or just to
play tricks on other people while they ran across the park. Melissa
had not often joined them. She had always been the one of the two
sisters that had not preferred playing around with her brothers and
the boys of their neighborhood. Even when she had been a little
girl, Melissa had been so reasonable. Nobody would have guessed at
this time that Scully would at least be the one to be the most
rational of the family.

It was amazing that it was still warm at this time of the day but
Scully decided to pull on her jacket, though. She leaned her head
back, closed her eyes and enjoyed the few warm sunbeams that were
gently touching her skin. Everything seemed so peaceful to her and
the only sounds she could hear were some flies that were buzzing
around her ears and the boys who were giggling and laughing now.
Feeling somebody standing behind made a huge smile come to her face.
Without opening her eyes, she said, "What's up, Mulder?"

Mulder sat down beside her and Scully opened her eyes and turned her
head to face him.

"How did you know it was me, Scully?" he asked. "Do you have any
telepathic abilities I don't know about?"

"No. But I have a very sensitive nose, Mulder."

Mulder looked confused.
"But Scully, I took a shower this morning, so..."

Scully sighed and could not stop grinning.

"Your after-shave, Mulder, it was your after-shave."

Mulder nodded.

"Ah, I see."

For a few minutes, neither of them said a word. Both kept watching
the boys who had now decided to play football, instead. Well, it
could not be called football, really, because they seemed to have
developed their own rules and playing strategies. After a while,
Mulder sighed and Scully turned her head.

"Okay, what is it, Mulder?"

"What do you mean?"

"Fox Mulder, do you expect me to believe you have come to join me in
the park just because the weather is wonderful?"

Scully knew that if her partner acted out of character, there was
usually something that preoccupied him. Something he did not intend
to talk about but, at least, wanted to be asked about. Seven years
with Fox Mulder had resulted in a total knowledge of his behaviour
and his peculiarities.

"Maybe I did want to join you in the park because the weather is so
nice..."

"Mulder..."

"Scully?"

"That's me."

Mulder hesitated a moment before he went on. He leant back and tried
to keep his eyes on the boys.

"Why are you doing this for me, Scully?"

Now Scully was confused and did not know how to react.
"What do you..."

Mulder rested his hand on hers and went on.

"Sshh, Scully, please let me talk first, okay?"

Scully nodded but Mulder's eyes were still fixed on the boys that
were running around in the park. Somehow he could not face her, he
could not look into her eyes.

"Well, I did not tell you this after you saved me from this
operation room where they had kept me. Yet, I want you to know this.
I cannot say whether it was a dream, or which parts were real, or
what they have done to me but I have to tell you about the choice, a
new life, I was offered. I even do not know whether it was a new
life or an alternate version of how my old life could have been
like."

Scully squeezed his hand.

"What kind of choice Mulder?"

"It was a so called 'normal' life without any threats, murders,
suffering or pain. I saw my sister and all the people that had to
die because of the X Files, because of the truth, because of me..."
he bowed his head and stared on the ground.

Scully touched his head.
"Mulder, nobody died because of you. Haven't we talked about
this..."

"No, Scully, please, let me go on. I am not talking about all that
'This-is-my-fault' stuff. I mean, there was everything a person
could dream for, everything one could expect of one's life and
despite it all, I wasn't happy or satisfied. I chose to go on living
my old life instead because...." he hesiated a second before he
added, "Because YOU were not part of the alternate one."

"Mulder, you don't have to tell..."

"Wait. I know, I told you you were my constant and my touchstone but
I just wanted to reassure you that I did not choose life instead of
death because I felt obligated to you since you have done everything
for me. It was my choice, Scully. I wanted to be here with you. I
just wanted it."

Mulder raised his head and looked at her when Scully placed her
hands on his cheeks.

"I know, Mulder. I know."

Then, suddenly, he took her hands off his cheeks and stood up.

"Then why are YOU doing all this for me, Scully? Why didn't YOU
choose an alternate way? Why...why didn't you choose...this?"

Mulder took the Milagro charm out of his pocket and gave it to her.
Scully looked at the Milagro charm, the little burning heart in her
hand, and then looked at Mulder. Both did not say a word; they just
stared at each other. Then Mulder turned and left her alone.
Scully was not able to say anything or even to move. She was
perplexed of the way the charm had obviously affected Mulder. How
could he doubt her feelings for him. Yet, what did he think her
feelings for him were like? She had been such an idiot. How could
she have expected him to know it? She had told him he was her
touchstone, didn't she? Scully knew that, maybe, it was something
different he wanted to be confirmed. She put the Milagro into her
pocket and watched him leave.


Part Three

A Catholic church in
Washington, D.C.
Sunday, 5 p.m.


The church was nearly empty when Scully entered it. Only an old
woman and an old man were sitting on one of the first benches.
Scully did not know them. The old man turned his head when he heard
Scully's steps and nodded with a light smile on his face. Scully
nodded, too, then stopped and looked around for a while. The man
turned around and whispered something into the old woman's ear.
Scully could not understand what he was saying but she loved the
silence every time she entered a church. Everything was so peaceful
here and churches always gave her a feeling of relief, rest and
comfort. It was the perfect place to think about a problem or just
to forget everything that was going on outside. And that was exactly
the reason why she had come here now. She especially liked this
church. It was not as dark as all the other churches she had visited
in her life. There were many candles burning which provided a
special, awesome atmosphere. After the incident with Padgett, she
had not entered it again and she did not know why. There were now
other things and questions she had to think about. She just wanted
to sit down on one of the first benches when she saw a man standing
in front of a painting, a painting that was so familiar to her. It
showed Christ holding a burning heart. Scully hesitated for a moment
and then went to the man. He wore jeans, a grey T-shirt and a black
leather jacket. He just stood there, his arms crossed, gazing at the
painting. Scully stopped next to him and looked at the painting as
well.

"What are you doing here, Mulder?" she whispered softly.

"I wanted to confess but the priest told me that it would take too
long to forgive me all my sins."

Scully smiled. The last time she had been standing there with
Padgett, she had felt extremely uncomfortable but now that she stood
here at the same place with her partner, it was different, inspite
of the fact that she had been afraid to meet him again after all he
had told her and after all he had asked her.

"It's awesome, isn't it?"

Mulder shrugged his shoulders and then looked at Scully.

"Depends on its individual significance, Scully."

Scully could still hear the bitter tone in his voice.
She took a long breath and then began to speak.

"Yeah, Mulder, indeed it does. So I will tell you something about
its significance. It is about the revelation of the sacred heart.
Philipp Padgett once told me that..." she stopped when she saw
Mulder rolling with his eyes when hearing Padgett's name.
Then she went on.
"Well, it is about Christ who came to Margaret Mary and his heart
was so inflamed with love that it was no longer able to contain its
burning flames of charity. Margaret Mary, so filled with divine love
herself, asked the Lord to take her heart and so he did, placing it
alongside his until it burned with the flames of his passion. Then
he restored it to Margaret Mary sealing her wound with the touch of
his blessed hand. This is its significance and this is what it means
to me, Mulder. She did not give him her heart, she did not choose
his way because she felt obligated to him or his passion. They
shared one and the same love and ...she saved him with her love so
he could save her.Her reason.....was love."
Scully could barely speak and she could see that her words had
touched Mulder who now looked so intensely into her eyes that she
could almost feel it.
"But what about Pa...", Mulder stuttered.
Scully took the Milagro charm out of her pocket and gave it to him.
"This....this means nothing to me. It touched my senses but not my
soul. HE did not touch me, Mulder. It means nothing to me since it
was him who gave it to me."
Mulder grabbed her hand, "I am sorry, Scully, I ..."
Scully once again fumbled in the pocket of her jacket and showed him
a small keychain which had an 'Apollo 11' logo on its surface.
"Do you know what really touched my soul, Mulder? It...it was this."
Scully could feel some tears filling her eyes and before she could
do anything against it, one rolled over her right cheek. Mulder
gently wiped it away with his thumb and rested his hand on her
cheek.
"Why, Scully?" he whispered.
"Because......" she hesitated another moment, "Because it was YOU
who gave it to me. I know you just said it was a cool keychain but
like you said, the significance of a thing depends on its individual
significance for its owner and ....and the one who gave it to you."
"I, um, I never thought you'd still have it."
"Sometimes, I think, our hearts make the decisions for us and we do
things we have no exact explanation for. I chose this, this way
because you would not have been a part of my life if I had chosen
Padgett's way. And....I HAD already made my choice BEFORE he gave me
the charm."

Mulder's hands were still placed on Scully's cheeks while he had
been listening to what she had said. He felt her words as if they
were entering his body to touch his soul. All doubts, whereever they
had had their origin and whatever they had been like, disappeared.
He now knew for sure that whatever it was that attracted Scully to
Padgett, it had not been love or passion. Padgett had been right,
Scully had already been in love. He believed it had been his fear to
loose her that had sometimes tortured him and, maybe, this last
little doubt that had not allowed him to accept what his heart had
already known.
"I know, I know" he answered and hugged her softly.
They just stood there for a while and Mulder, with an expression of
relief on his face, gazed at the painting. Scully leaned her head
against his chest and let another tear roll over her cheek.

"But Scully?" Mulder whispered.

"Yes?"

"Isn't it a cool keychain?"

Scully raised her head and could not stop laughing. He was teasing
her exhaustibly.
After a while, she got serious again. Now it was her who placed her
hands on Mulder's cheeks and caressed them gently.

"Yes, Mulder. I made the right decision."

She moved closer so that her mouth almost touched his. She stopped a
few seconds and stared into his eyes. What she found there told her
that they were going the right way. Before she could realize what
was happening between them, Mulder leaned in and carefully captured
her lips with his. She rested her hand on his neck and Mulder did
not move. He was unable to move. All he could think of was whether
it was a dream he was experiencing at the moment but he could feel
Scully's trembling hand on his neck which showed him that she must
have been feeling the same at this special, indefinable moment. Time
passed by but neither of them could tell whether it were seconds,
minutes or hours. It seemed to be endless.
When their lips finally parted, Scully leaned her forehead
against his and both did not break eye contact. Mulder touched
his lips as if he still could not believe the sensation of
feeling Scully's lips against his.If somebody had told them to
hold this position for the rest of the day, they had probably
agreed because the situation was so new but it was also
wonderful.
Scully gazed at the old couple and noticed that they had obviously
enjoyed the whole scenario. They were holding hands and smiling at
Scully. Scully smiled back. She just could not resist since she was
so incredibly happy. Then she looked again at Mulder.

"Scully?"

"Hm?"

"Who's gonna tell Frohike?"

Scully grinned and took his hand in hers to lead him out of the
church.
They could not stop looking at each other while they made their
way to the door. Outside, Mulder suddenly stopped when he
realized he still held this little burning heart in his hand.

"What about the Milagro, Scully?"

"Well, I think you can put it back into the file cabinet."

"Really?"

Scully kissed him on his forehead.

"Yes. Time to close the file, Mulder."

THE END


As always I hope you enjoyed it since this is always my intention
when I am writing a story. In case you did not like it, feel free
to flame me :-)
Please send your feedback, criticism and advice to my e-mail
adress or review the story.


The critical mind is the creative mind
- David Duchovny -

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