The Dreamers
Summary: Holly's final year at Hogwarts. This installment describes how she deals with Cedric's death, her newfound close friendship with Oliver Wood, and a large family secret let out (maybe even two)…
Author's Note: I'm experimenting with HTML. Hold your breath. But yes, this is what you all wanted, it's what you asked for, so here it is. The final installment. Wow, I can't believe I already wrote the ending of it (the middle isn't finished yet though, so don't jump for joy) There may be small periods of waiting in the future when I get writer's block (I will finish it though, so don't worry about THAT) or when I get frustrated with the HTML codes FFN is making me do (I recently got a new comp that came with WordPerfect instead of MS Word and I DESPISE WordPerfect). But anyways, I'm sure you don't care. Here it is, read away.
Chapter 1: Break the Ice
Holly stepped into the shower and let the water fall over her, washing away her sins, her thoughts, her pain…
It had been a month since Cedric died, and the dreams had not stopped. It came to a point where her midnight meetings with Cedric became so frequent, she actually believed she was speaking with him. Of course, she told no one. They would see it as obsession, an impossible fantasy, and the fact that Holly believed it would seem insanity. Holly knew all this, and yet, she still believed it, for she believed in Cedric.
As the water soaked through her dark red hair, she lathered some shampoo and ran her fingers through it, remembering how Cedric would run his fingers through her hair. She lifted her head and let the pounding water wash over her face. It felt warm and relaxing. She took nearly two showers a day now. She always felt as if she were filthy. Where the dirt came from, she did not know, but she had to get away from it.
She figured a main part of that filth was guilt. Guilt for not seizing Cedric and his love when she had the chance, for letting the secret of her relationship to Harry Potter escape her to her worst enemy, for not being there to protect Harry and Cedric from the horrors experienced on that night Cedric died. She laughed as she realized that all her crimes had been committed against Harry, Cedric and herself. No one else.
Shame was also a part of that ugliness she seemed she couldn't rid herself of. The guilt of all the things she had done to her loved ones burned into shame and disgust at herself. And her best friend, Remus Lupin! That was the one thing that wasn't her fault. The thought of Remus and her mother together… It deepened the shame and the disgust. She had always thought of Remus as a fatherly figure, but also as a best friend… She had never expected her mother to see him in a different light.
The familiar feeling of nausea gripped her stomach and tears began to sting her eyes. She let them fall; the shower's warm waters would wash her tears away and no one would ever know she still wept for him.
Holly stepped out of the shower and dried herself off. She went to her room and threw on a blue sweater and a long white pants. She brushed out her hair and looked at herself in the mirror. She seemed paler than usual. She could never tan easily. But it was strange. Sighing, she put on a hat and grabbed a pair of gloves and went downstairs.
"Hey, sunshine!" her mother greeted.
"I'm going to the rink, be back in a bit," Holly replied as she headed towards the door.
"Sweetheart…"
"What?" Holly turned, hand on the doorknob.
"Don't you think you should do something else? Something a little more… social? Why don't you talk to Lee Jordan, he lives around here, you could…"
"No, Mum," Holly shook her head, resolutely. "I'm going to the rink." Elise Phillips rolled her eyes.
"You go to that bloody rink every day! You haven't said a word to me since Remus and I told you about the engagement and you're at that rink for hours. I… I miss you, honey." Holly sighed.
"I'm going now," she said and turned away.
"This is about Remus and I, isn't it?"
Holly froze. Finally, she turned to see her mother glaring at her. She wanted to say no. But it wasn't entirely truthful. Instead, she remained silent. Her mother sighed, exasperated.
"I knew it," she said. "I don't understand you sometimes, Holly! Remus has been a friend of the family for years, he knows and loves you and he even knew and respected your father. I can trust him, Holly, I can trust his love for me and his love for you. I thought you'd be thrilled!" Holly didn't want to discuss this.
"Mum, it's not that," she said, hoping to get her to stop. She did.
"Oh, honey!" her mother said, her tone now sympathetic. "You can't still be upset about what happened last month." Great. The other thing Holly didn't want to discuss.
"Mum…" "I know what it is," Elise shook her head sadly. "You never cry. You never let any of it out. Holly, I haven't seen you cry since… since…"
"Since I was four years old?" Holly snapped.
"Or… five…" Elise said hesitantly.
"You've never seen me cry, mum. Not even as a toddler. Because you never knew me as a baby."
"Holly!" Holly saw that she had hit a nerve. Her mother looked hurt. Finally, Elise sighed and sank into a nearby chair. To Holly's surprise, she smiled and laughed a little.
"I wish I had known your mother," she chuckled. "She was probably quite a character." Holly remained impassive. Elise looked up and smiled at her. "You understand I'm just worried about you, Holly," she said. "There must be so much on your mind… I'm sorry that we sprung this engagement on you, Holly, but you would have found out sooner or later." Holly nodded.
"Can I go now?" she asked. Elise gave one last, defeated laugh as she shook her head.
"Get out of here," she sighed. "Go skate."
There was only one place where she could escape her thoughts and Cedric. She went there every day. It was her sanctuary. Ever since her father had taken her there when she was five, she would come here to find serenity.
She walked up to the doors, but a sign stopped her. In large red letters it red "CLOSED." Holly rolled her eyes. Of course! It was Wednesday. They were always closed on Wednesday. But only to the Muggles.
Quietly, Holly picked the lock and sneaked inside. She sat on the bleachers on the edge of the ice rink and put on her skates in the dark. When she was ready, she jumped on the ice, and glided.
She danced on the ice as graceful as a swan. When her father died, she had stopped skating for a long time. But Cedric's death made her search for a security blanket and it was skating. Something that never changed. It was exactly like riding a bike.
They said the pain lessens in time, but it seemed like it only got worse. In the beginning, Holly felt she could deal. But she then realized what life without Cedric was like to her. Empty. And then the dreams persisted.
Holly both anticipated and dreaded her dreams of Cedric. They both frightened and delighted her. They were so vivid, so real, she was so sure...
But it was impossible. Cedric was dead. And she was left here, alone and dreaming.
She wondered if she were crazy, with all these dreams. They said traumatic experiences can disrupt the way the brain normally functions. Of course, this was just medical talk. In reality, it all meant nothing.
She smiled when she thought of Harry as she started a sleek, one-footed figure eight. He had experienced many traumatic things, much more than Holly. And yet, he was still sane. For the most part. She wondered when the day would be when he would finally crack from the pressure, because she knew it would come. She knew he was important. Dumbledore had said so. He had even suggested that perhaps she, herself, was important. And she was already beginning to break.
But she would not be broken.
Holly stopped skating in the middle of the dark, silent rink. She was a lone figure on the ice, surrounded by bleachers hidden in blackness. Alone. Always so alone.
Holly fell to her knees, breathless. Weary not from too much skating, but from too much thinking. And she sat there, for a long time, catching her breath.
"Breathing a foreign task? Thinking too much too ask?" It was a vaguely familiar voice, one she had heard before, and had once smiled at. But she was not smiling now. She held her head low as someone approached her on the ice.
"I heard that somewhere, in a song I think," he said, with a small laugh. "I was at your house just now. Your mum told me you were here." He was in front of her now and she was staring at his black ice skates. She didn't want to look up. But he reached a gentle finger down and lightly touched her chin, carefully nudging her gaze upward. He smiled at her as he took her hand and helped her up.
"You doing alright?" he asked. Holly sighed.
"Do I look like I'm doing alright?"
He laughed lightly again. It was a meek laugh, and one that seemed to be understanding.
"I figured," he said.
"I really miss him, Oliver..." Holly whispered, looking away from him.
"I miss him too," said Oliver Wood, knowing very well whom she was speaking of. "I know all about you and him. We wrote a lot to each other last year... The last letter I received was after he died. Do you want to know what it was about?"
"No..." Holly uttered, still refusing to meet Oliver's gaze.
"Hm. I'll tell you anyway," he said decisively. He put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "It was about you."
"Of course," Holly said bitterly. "Of course it was."
"He was asking my advice..." Oliver said, slowly, as if unsure if he should tell her these things or not. "About you. And Cho. He was confused. He told me... He told me he turned you down. Because he was with Cho and didn't want to hurt her. But do you know what he said?"
"No, but I s'pose you'll tell me." Holly suppressed a sniff.
"He said it hurt like hell to say those things to you. Those are his exact words. He said that what you had confessed to him was what he had wanted to hear ever since your fifth year. But when you'd finally said it, he didn't know if that was what he wanted anymore. But you know what he did seem sure of?"
"Do you really need me to answer?" Holly smiled timidly. Oliver grinned.
"He was positive that he loved you with all his heart. Can I confide something to you, Holly?" Oliver asked. Holly nodded slowly. "I'm not the crying type, I'm really not. But when I read that letter after the Tournament, I... well, let's just say I got a bit dehydrated. And, you know what?" Oliver laughed and shook his head. "It'll sound stupid, but I'm still jealous of the bastard."
"What?" Holly blinked.
"Look," Oliver said, taking her by the shoulders and looking her in the eye. "When it comes to playing poker with the Grim Reaper, Cedric lost the gambol. But when it really comes down to it, he was such a winner in the game of life."
"What do you mean?" Holly tilted her head, taking in the strange expressions and emotions Oliver was expressing. Since he showed up, he seemed in grim good humor, laughing morosely. And he seemed to be shaking his head and smiling sadly quite a bit. The expression on his face showed he was on the verge of bursting into hysteric laughter. He seemed like a man who had bet on a slow horse day after day and it never won, and the day he'd given up on the old horse, it finally won a race. And it was the only race that horse ever won. That's when Holly realized. Oliver found the whole thing bitterly and disgustingly ironic. But why, Holly couldn't figure out.
"Don't you see, Holly?" Oliver's brow furrowed as he smiled and shook his head. "Can't you see? In his life, he was a star. God, I wish I had so much. Think about it. He was great looking, got exceptional grades, was fantastic in sports, had loving, if not a little over-enthusiastic parents, and I've never met a more friendly character. He was such a beautiful person, and I know a lot of people who agree with me. But most of all, Holly, I envy him not because of all the brilliant friends and admirers he had, but because out of those admirers, he'd found one person he really, truly cared for. He loved you so much, Holly, he didn't care if you hated him. He would have done anything for you. And the last thing in the world he would want you to do was feel lousy because of him."
For a second, they stood there, Oliver with his hands on Holly's shoulders, and Holly staring at him, eyes so wide she dared not blink for fear she would break her eyelids. As the weight of Oliver's words sunk in, Holly broke down into sobs. Without a word, Oliver enveloped her in his arms as she wept into his chest. He rested his chin on her head and whispered soothing words.
"Shh, remember what I said? This will be the last time you cry for him. Shh, Holly, everything will work out, believe me, things will all be better soon."
How was either of them to know that it was all just beginning?
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Summary: Holly's final year at Hogwarts. This installment describes how she deals with Cedric's death, her newfound close friendship with Oliver Wood, and a large family secret let out (maybe even two)…
Author's Note: I'm experimenting with HTML. Hold your breath. But yes, this is what you all wanted, it's what you asked for, so here it is. The final installment. Wow, I can't believe I already wrote the ending of it (the middle isn't finished yet though, so don't jump for joy) There may be small periods of waiting in the future when I get writer's block (I will finish it though, so don't worry about THAT) or when I get frustrated with the HTML codes FFN is making me do (I recently got a new comp that came with WordPerfect instead of MS Word and I DESPISE WordPerfect). But anyways, I'm sure you don't care. Here it is, read away.
Chapter 1: Break the Ice
Holly stepped into the shower and let the water fall over her, washing away her sins, her thoughts, her pain…
It had been a month since Cedric died, and the dreams had not stopped. It came to a point where her midnight meetings with Cedric became so frequent, she actually believed she was speaking with him. Of course, she told no one. They would see it as obsession, an impossible fantasy, and the fact that Holly believed it would seem insanity. Holly knew all this, and yet, she still believed it, for she believed in Cedric.
As the water soaked through her dark red hair, she lathered some shampoo and ran her fingers through it, remembering how Cedric would run his fingers through her hair. She lifted her head and let the pounding water wash over her face. It felt warm and relaxing. She took nearly two showers a day now. She always felt as if she were filthy. Where the dirt came from, she did not know, but she had to get away from it.
She figured a main part of that filth was guilt. Guilt for not seizing Cedric and his love when she had the chance, for letting the secret of her relationship to Harry Potter escape her to her worst enemy, for not being there to protect Harry and Cedric from the horrors experienced on that night Cedric died. She laughed as she realized that all her crimes had been committed against Harry, Cedric and herself. No one else.
Shame was also a part of that ugliness she seemed she couldn't rid herself of. The guilt of all the things she had done to her loved ones burned into shame and disgust at herself. And her best friend, Remus Lupin! That was the one thing that wasn't her fault. The thought of Remus and her mother together… It deepened the shame and the disgust. She had always thought of Remus as a fatherly figure, but also as a best friend… She had never expected her mother to see him in a different light.
The familiar feeling of nausea gripped her stomach and tears began to sting her eyes. She let them fall; the shower's warm waters would wash her tears away and no one would ever know she still wept for him.
Holly stepped out of the shower and dried herself off. She went to her room and threw on a blue sweater and a long white pants. She brushed out her hair and looked at herself in the mirror. She seemed paler than usual. She could never tan easily. But it was strange. Sighing, she put on a hat and grabbed a pair of gloves and went downstairs.
"Hey, sunshine!" her mother greeted.
"I'm going to the rink, be back in a bit," Holly replied as she headed towards the door.
"Sweetheart…"
"What?" Holly turned, hand on the doorknob.
"Don't you think you should do something else? Something a little more… social? Why don't you talk to Lee Jordan, he lives around here, you could…"
"No, Mum," Holly shook her head, resolutely. "I'm going to the rink." Elise Phillips rolled her eyes.
"You go to that bloody rink every day! You haven't said a word to me since Remus and I told you about the engagement and you're at that rink for hours. I… I miss you, honey." Holly sighed.
"I'm going now," she said and turned away.
"This is about Remus and I, isn't it?"
Holly froze. Finally, she turned to see her mother glaring at her. She wanted to say no. But it wasn't entirely truthful. Instead, she remained silent. Her mother sighed, exasperated.
"I knew it," she said. "I don't understand you sometimes, Holly! Remus has been a friend of the family for years, he knows and loves you and he even knew and respected your father. I can trust him, Holly, I can trust his love for me and his love for you. I thought you'd be thrilled!" Holly didn't want to discuss this.
"Mum, it's not that," she said, hoping to get her to stop. She did.
"Oh, honey!" her mother said, her tone now sympathetic. "You can't still be upset about what happened last month." Great. The other thing Holly didn't want to discuss.
"Mum…" "I know what it is," Elise shook her head sadly. "You never cry. You never let any of it out. Holly, I haven't seen you cry since… since…"
"Since I was four years old?" Holly snapped.
"Or… five…" Elise said hesitantly.
"You've never seen me cry, mum. Not even as a toddler. Because you never knew me as a baby."
"Holly!" Holly saw that she had hit a nerve. Her mother looked hurt. Finally, Elise sighed and sank into a nearby chair. To Holly's surprise, she smiled and laughed a little.
"I wish I had known your mother," she chuckled. "She was probably quite a character." Holly remained impassive. Elise looked up and smiled at her. "You understand I'm just worried about you, Holly," she said. "There must be so much on your mind… I'm sorry that we sprung this engagement on you, Holly, but you would have found out sooner or later." Holly nodded.
"Can I go now?" she asked. Elise gave one last, defeated laugh as she shook her head.
"Get out of here," she sighed. "Go skate."
There was only one place where she could escape her thoughts and Cedric. She went there every day. It was her sanctuary. Ever since her father had taken her there when she was five, she would come here to find serenity.
She walked up to the doors, but a sign stopped her. In large red letters it red "CLOSED." Holly rolled her eyes. Of course! It was Wednesday. They were always closed on Wednesday. But only to the Muggles.
Quietly, Holly picked the lock and sneaked inside. She sat on the bleachers on the edge of the ice rink and put on her skates in the dark. When she was ready, she jumped on the ice, and glided.
She danced on the ice as graceful as a swan. When her father died, she had stopped skating for a long time. But Cedric's death made her search for a security blanket and it was skating. Something that never changed. It was exactly like riding a bike.
They said the pain lessens in time, but it seemed like it only got worse. In the beginning, Holly felt she could deal. But she then realized what life without Cedric was like to her. Empty. And then the dreams persisted.
Holly both anticipated and dreaded her dreams of Cedric. They both frightened and delighted her. They were so vivid, so real, she was so sure...
But it was impossible. Cedric was dead. And she was left here, alone and dreaming.
She wondered if she were crazy, with all these dreams. They said traumatic experiences can disrupt the way the brain normally functions. Of course, this was just medical talk. In reality, it all meant nothing.
She smiled when she thought of Harry as she started a sleek, one-footed figure eight. He had experienced many traumatic things, much more than Holly. And yet, he was still sane. For the most part. She wondered when the day would be when he would finally crack from the pressure, because she knew it would come. She knew he was important. Dumbledore had said so. He had even suggested that perhaps she, herself, was important. And she was already beginning to break.
But she would not be broken.
Holly stopped skating in the middle of the dark, silent rink. She was a lone figure on the ice, surrounded by bleachers hidden in blackness. Alone. Always so alone.
Holly fell to her knees, breathless. Weary not from too much skating, but from too much thinking. And she sat there, for a long time, catching her breath.
"Breathing a foreign task? Thinking too much too ask?" It was a vaguely familiar voice, one she had heard before, and had once smiled at. But she was not smiling now. She held her head low as someone approached her on the ice.
"I heard that somewhere, in a song I think," he said, with a small laugh. "I was at your house just now. Your mum told me you were here." He was in front of her now and she was staring at his black ice skates. She didn't want to look up. But he reached a gentle finger down and lightly touched her chin, carefully nudging her gaze upward. He smiled at her as he took her hand and helped her up.
"You doing alright?" he asked. Holly sighed.
"Do I look like I'm doing alright?"
He laughed lightly again. It was a meek laugh, and one that seemed to be understanding.
"I figured," he said.
"I really miss him, Oliver..." Holly whispered, looking away from him.
"I miss him too," said Oliver Wood, knowing very well whom she was speaking of. "I know all about you and him. We wrote a lot to each other last year... The last letter I received was after he died. Do you want to know what it was about?"
"No..." Holly uttered, still refusing to meet Oliver's gaze.
"Hm. I'll tell you anyway," he said decisively. He put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "It was about you."
"Of course," Holly said bitterly. "Of course it was."
"He was asking my advice..." Oliver said, slowly, as if unsure if he should tell her these things or not. "About you. And Cho. He was confused. He told me... He told me he turned you down. Because he was with Cho and didn't want to hurt her. But do you know what he said?"
"No, but I s'pose you'll tell me." Holly suppressed a sniff.
"He said it hurt like hell to say those things to you. Those are his exact words. He said that what you had confessed to him was what he had wanted to hear ever since your fifth year. But when you'd finally said it, he didn't know if that was what he wanted anymore. But you know what he did seem sure of?"
"Do you really need me to answer?" Holly smiled timidly. Oliver grinned.
"He was positive that he loved you with all his heart. Can I confide something to you, Holly?" Oliver asked. Holly nodded slowly. "I'm not the crying type, I'm really not. But when I read that letter after the Tournament, I... well, let's just say I got a bit dehydrated. And, you know what?" Oliver laughed and shook his head. "It'll sound stupid, but I'm still jealous of the bastard."
"What?" Holly blinked.
"Look," Oliver said, taking her by the shoulders and looking her in the eye. "When it comes to playing poker with the Grim Reaper, Cedric lost the gambol. But when it really comes down to it, he was such a winner in the game of life."
"What do you mean?" Holly tilted her head, taking in the strange expressions and emotions Oliver was expressing. Since he showed up, he seemed in grim good humor, laughing morosely. And he seemed to be shaking his head and smiling sadly quite a bit. The expression on his face showed he was on the verge of bursting into hysteric laughter. He seemed like a man who had bet on a slow horse day after day and it never won, and the day he'd given up on the old horse, it finally won a race. And it was the only race that horse ever won. That's when Holly realized. Oliver found the whole thing bitterly and disgustingly ironic. But why, Holly couldn't figure out.
"Don't you see, Holly?" Oliver's brow furrowed as he smiled and shook his head. "Can't you see? In his life, he was a star. God, I wish I had so much. Think about it. He was great looking, got exceptional grades, was fantastic in sports, had loving, if not a little over-enthusiastic parents, and I've never met a more friendly character. He was such a beautiful person, and I know a lot of people who agree with me. But most of all, Holly, I envy him not because of all the brilliant friends and admirers he had, but because out of those admirers, he'd found one person he really, truly cared for. He loved you so much, Holly, he didn't care if you hated him. He would have done anything for you. And the last thing in the world he would want you to do was feel lousy because of him."
For a second, they stood there, Oliver with his hands on Holly's shoulders, and Holly staring at him, eyes so wide she dared not blink for fear she would break her eyelids. As the weight of Oliver's words sunk in, Holly broke down into sobs. Without a word, Oliver enveloped her in his arms as she wept into his chest. He rested his chin on her head and whispered soothing words.
"Shh, remember what I said? This will be the last time you cry for him. Shh, Holly, everything will work out, believe me, things will all be better soon."
How was either of them to know that it was all just beginning?
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