Hurt

I hurt all over.  Not for the obvious reasons, though those wounds are causing me their fair share of pain too.

Oh God . . .

Shinji . . .

What happened to Shinji?

With a low miserable moan I try to sit up, even as various parts of my body inform me that this isn't going to be happening for a while yet.  I'm vaguely aware of soft soothing noises and something cool on my forehead and for a moment I'm confused.

Only for a moment, unfortunately.

Confusion would be preferable to being able to remember.

Something stings face and for an instant I wonder what's causing it, before I realise I'm crying.  The soothing noises start up again and I'm awake enough now to recognize Ritsuko's voice.

Funny, I never knew she could be so gentle.

She's lying to me though.  'It's going to be okay, it'll be alright, don't worry Misato . . .'  All lies.  Good old Rits-chan.

Things are never going to be okay ever again.

I think the worst thing is that I know why he did it.  He was so desperate to find something real to hold on to, and in the end this was all he could think of.

How strange is that?  To feel sorry for the person who - I can't think it.  I can't use the actual word.  It's too awful, too ugly.

Ugly is not a word that should be associated with Shinji.  He is - was, I remind myself, *was* - too innocent.

I guess that isn't true anymore.

Is it?

Who's the real victim here?

Who knows?

Darkness.

Light.

Bright light.

Uncomfortably bright light.

I groan and squint around myself like a mole, struggling to bring an arm up to shield my eyes.

"Ugggggghhhh."

"What's wrong Major?"

"The light . . . ugh . . . too bright . . ."  Somehow he manages to interpret my incoherent mumbling.

"Dim the lighting" he says, his voice quiet but firm.  Not sharp the way Ikari's was - the elder Ikari I mean - but authoritative all the same.  S'funny, but authority isn't normally a word I'd use to describe Fuyutsuki Kozue.

I guess everybody's different now.

"How are you Major?  Apart from the obvious, of course."

Amazing that he can sound so calm saying that.  You'd think that the son of the woman he loved doing . . . doing what he did . . . would upset him more.

Maybe he's hiding it.

I give him a bleary, bitter look which, judging by his expression, answers his question thoroughly.

I want nothing else than to go back to sleep and stay there.  But I can't.  I have to know.

I force myself to speak, dreading the answer.

"Shinji?"

Fuyutsuki starts to say something, then stops as he looks at me.  He hesitates.  He was going to lie, I realize.

I don't know what I look like, but I suspect my expression tells him lying would be a bad idea.

Not that the truth is any better, sometimes.

"Shinji died on the way here, Major.  The bullet severed an artery in his thigh and . . . he bled to death in the ambulance."

I curse section 2 for trigger happy bastards.  I know it was just chance, bad luck, whatever.

I still hate it.

He looks more like a grieving man now.  His skin has gone sort of papery looking and he seems sunken somehow, like a day old balloon that the air is leaking out of.

I'm struck by a flash of memory - one of his memories, from when we were all briefly part of a larger whole - his reaction to hearing that Yui was pregnant.  The envy he felt for Gendo.  The bittersweetness of his love for Yui.  The pleasure he took in her happiness.  The sheer joy of knowing that part of her would be passed on to the next generation.

What love he had for her.

Darkness.

Time passes.

I dream, remember.

I'm in my bed at home, trying to sleep.  I turn over for what seems the thousandth time and see Shinji silhouetted in my doorway.  My heart goes out to him.  He's hardly said a word since it happened.

He gave Ritsuko brief, monosyballic answers when she examined him and eventually she threw up her hands in exasperation and said my place couldn't be any worse for his health than the infirmary.

Underneath the humour I could tell she was worried.

After it was over everything was . . . peaceful.

There was still pain, still loss, but I could deal with it.  I understood myself.

It gave me strength.

When Gendo gave up his quest we were freed.

In the end, his failure was humankind's victory.

There's something ironic about that, I suppose.

More memories.

Dreams?

Nightmares.

Shinji.

He was so lonely.  He was the hub of it all, but because of that he could never be part of it.

I wanted to help him.  Wanted so badly for him to be alright.

"Are you okay Shinji?"

Stupid question.

"What do you want."

He just stands there, so terribly still.  Then he speaks, his voice haggard.

"I want . . . I don't want to be alone.  I don't want to be alone, I want to be loved."

My heart broke.

"Come here, Shinji-kun."

He came, and I put my arms around him and soothed him.  Rocked him to sleep like a child.

He just wanted to be close to someone.

I was the only one left.

Asuka silent, unwaking, like the princess in that gaijin fairy tale.

Rei gone, vanished, discorporated.  Her soul . . .

Did she have a soul?

If she did, it's gone now.

And his father . . . Shinji finally knew beyond all doubt how his father felt about him.  All the illusions he'd protected himself with were stripped away.

Gendo didn't come back.

Even Shinji knew what that meant.

He didn't have any room in his heart for anyone but Yui.

How could she love a man like that anyway?  She'd have saved us all a lot of trouble if she'd just chosen Fuyutsuki instead.

I sense something.

A stirring.

Shock.

Reflection.

Acceptance.

Peace.

Joy.

"Misato, um, look I, I-don't-know-how-to-tell-you-this."

I've never heard Ritsuko sound so nervous.  So . . . scared.

A pause.

It's sweet of her to worry, unnecessary though it is.

"You're pregnant."

Silence on my part.  What can I say?

I can hardly tell her that I already know.

Oh, she's speaking again.

"Third impact - when everyone was reborn you - your body was healed.  You can, well, I guess I don't have to say it.  So when Shinji . . ."

She trails off.  I'm so detached, I can actually feel sorry for her.  It must be a nightmare having to deliver this kind of news.

"I can perform an abortion as soon as . . . what?  Misato . . . you can't.  By the Kami Misato.  Are.  You.  INSANE!?"

Ritsuko sounds a little shocked.  Well, more than a little.  I guess that's not surprising really, considering I started shaking my head the moment she mentioned an abortion.

I can see she's trying to get her head around it.

She's failing miserably.

It would almost be funny, if I didn't have so much else to think about.

"I . . . we'll talk about it tomorrow."

Ritsuko needs to get more sleep.  She sounds awfully tired.

"Maybe you'll feel differently when you've had some time to think things through."

I won't.

Not that I'm going to keep the baby.  Oh kami no . .

It would be too much . . . to see his face again . . .

Even an echo of it.

He deserves to have something of him live on.  I want something of him to live on.  Maybe this time the best part of him will have a chance.

I hope the child has his eyes.