Chapter 12- Authoress as Elizabeth
It is approximately the day after the day before. Jack is being hung. Everyone is crying: the fan girls, Sarah, Elizabeth…Will…
Inspired by her lovely Muse Avera Jade, the authoress substitutes herself in Elizabeth's place. "This is wrong," authoress-as-Elizabeth says. "I haven't even fucked him yet…oh wait, yes I have."
"What was that?" Governor Swann asks.
"Nevermind."
"For the following crimes, Jack Sparrow will be hung," says some guy with really pompous hair.
"*Captain* Jack Sparrow." (A/N: That's like, the best part in the movie, right? He's about to be executed and he's still correcting people.)
"Theft, larceny, petty and grand, stealing, pilfering, pillaging, looting, taking things that were not his, drunkenness and disorderliness, piracy, impersonating a Naval officer, impersonating a member of the Church of England, impersonating the Pope, impersonating a rajah, impersonating a pirate, impersonating a military king, impersonating the dictator of Canada, not recycling, not separating his trash, illegal distribution of shellfish, impersonating my mother, causing confusion within the ranks of the Navy-"
"Like *that* takes any skill," Jack mutters.
"…sniffing glue, sniffing markers, sniffing baking powder, sniffing his food before he ate it when he came over that time for dinner, calling my wife fat…"
As this long list of accusations (most of them true) is being uttered, Will makes his way up to where Norrington, Governor Swann, and me-as-Elizabeth (A/N: typing out authoress every time will get annoying.) where they are standing watching Jack about to be hung.
"Uh, Governor Swann, you're a moron, Norrington, you're a jackass, and Elizabeth, you're really hot. I'm in love with you. *Obviously.*"
Authoress-as-Elizabeth, who knew this was coming, sighs and watches dreamily as he makes a different way over to the gallows. She starts suddenly. "Hmm? Oh, right, my cue. I can't breathe!" She falls over, "unconscious".
A scene ensues in which there is fighting, Jack and Will looking really hot, Will being made fun of because of his hat, and me-as-Elizabeth daydreaming. At the end of it, Will and Jack are surrounded by soldiers with weapons. *Sigh.*
Jack blows the feather from Will's hat out of his face. "Watch where you're sticking that, Will."
"Mister Turner, I think you're being quite unreasonable. All you had to do was let us hang the guy."
"Yeah, well, why should you get what you want? Jack shouldn't be hung anyway."
"Yeah," me-as-Elizabeth says, stepping up next to him. "He's *way* too hot."
"Elizabeth. Oh no, I must become the helpless father and beg the soldiers to put their weapons down," Governor Swann says, at which time the soldiers all lower their weapons, conveniently.
Jack sees a random pirate symbol and decides that it's time to leave. "Well, I'm feeling rather good about all this. I think we've all arrived at a very special place, eh? Spiritually…gingivitically…grammatically…savvy."
He steps up to Norrington. "I want you to know I was not rooting for you through any of this time. Know that."
"Elizabeth…It would never have worked between us, love."
"Too bad," me-as-Elizabeth sighs.
"Will…nice hat."
Will glances up at his hat and shrugs in embarrassment. "Governor Swann picked it out," he grumbles.
"You'll always remember this day as the day you almost caught *Captain* Jack Sparro- oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" As he falls over the side of the fort.
"Hehe," random Naval officer with pompous hair laughs stupidly. "He's drowning!"
The Black Pearl appears suddenly. It now has white sails, and the crew are calling it simply "The Pearl".
"Damn, it's that ship again," Norrington swears.
"I think now is the time for a random incoherent line in which I use the word 'piracy' fifteen times, don't you?" Governor Swann remarks. Me-as-Elizabeth and Will, who are holding hands (sigh) exchange annoyed glances.
"Um…yeah," Norrington says, and leaves with all the rest of those random Navy soldiers with pompous hair.
"So this is really what you want, Elizabeth? After all, he's a blacksmith."
"Well, that's true, but he's *my* fucking blacksmith, isn't he? Anyway, I'll just pretend he's a pirate so he can actually…never mind, father."
Governor Swann leaves, and me-as-Elizabeth and Will begin to make out unreservedly. (A/N: Finally! I've been waiting the whole entire fic for this!)
Meanwhile, randomly, Jack has ended up on the deck of the Pearl. "I thought you were supposed to keep to the code."
"Uh…didn't you just say if you randomly betrayed Will then we should leave him behind?" Gibbs scratches the back of his head.
"Oh, right. Well, in that case, give me my hat."
Jack gets his hat and jacket, then goes to caress the rudder for a few minutes. The crew watches him, while he is oblivious. He finally notices them. "I'll jack off my ship if I bloody well want, savvy?"
They all quickly wander off in spontaneous directions. Loud dramatic music plays for the extent of three seconds.
"Dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah…and really bad eggs…I forgot the rest of the words…Oh, fuck it all, drink up me hearties! Yo ho!"
End of Story
Whew. What a relief to be done. I know that was short and not as funny. If you want funny, go read chapter 6. That was a good chapter.
Thanks to everyone who reviewed, ever, I appreciate it. I love you. I would also appreciate it if you went and read some of my other stuff. (Have you met Pluggy McPlugson? Yes, you have, in the last sentence.)
Big smiles, hugs, Jack-shaped confetti to you all!
It is approximately the day after the day before. Jack is being hung. Everyone is crying: the fan girls, Sarah, Elizabeth…Will…
Inspired by her lovely Muse Avera Jade, the authoress substitutes herself in Elizabeth's place. "This is wrong," authoress-as-Elizabeth says. "I haven't even fucked him yet…oh wait, yes I have."
"What was that?" Governor Swann asks.
"Nevermind."
"For the following crimes, Jack Sparrow will be hung," says some guy with really pompous hair.
"*Captain* Jack Sparrow." (A/N: That's like, the best part in the movie, right? He's about to be executed and he's still correcting people.)
"Theft, larceny, petty and grand, stealing, pilfering, pillaging, looting, taking things that were not his, drunkenness and disorderliness, piracy, impersonating a Naval officer, impersonating a member of the Church of England, impersonating the Pope, impersonating a rajah, impersonating a pirate, impersonating a military king, impersonating the dictator of Canada, not recycling, not separating his trash, illegal distribution of shellfish, impersonating my mother, causing confusion within the ranks of the Navy-"
"Like *that* takes any skill," Jack mutters.
"…sniffing glue, sniffing markers, sniffing baking powder, sniffing his food before he ate it when he came over that time for dinner, calling my wife fat…"
As this long list of accusations (most of them true) is being uttered, Will makes his way up to where Norrington, Governor Swann, and me-as-Elizabeth (A/N: typing out authoress every time will get annoying.) where they are standing watching Jack about to be hung.
"Uh, Governor Swann, you're a moron, Norrington, you're a jackass, and Elizabeth, you're really hot. I'm in love with you. *Obviously.*"
Authoress-as-Elizabeth, who knew this was coming, sighs and watches dreamily as he makes a different way over to the gallows. She starts suddenly. "Hmm? Oh, right, my cue. I can't breathe!" She falls over, "unconscious".
A scene ensues in which there is fighting, Jack and Will looking really hot, Will being made fun of because of his hat, and me-as-Elizabeth daydreaming. At the end of it, Will and Jack are surrounded by soldiers with weapons. *Sigh.*
Jack blows the feather from Will's hat out of his face. "Watch where you're sticking that, Will."
"Mister Turner, I think you're being quite unreasonable. All you had to do was let us hang the guy."
"Yeah, well, why should you get what you want? Jack shouldn't be hung anyway."
"Yeah," me-as-Elizabeth says, stepping up next to him. "He's *way* too hot."
"Elizabeth. Oh no, I must become the helpless father and beg the soldiers to put their weapons down," Governor Swann says, at which time the soldiers all lower their weapons, conveniently.
Jack sees a random pirate symbol and decides that it's time to leave. "Well, I'm feeling rather good about all this. I think we've all arrived at a very special place, eh? Spiritually…gingivitically…grammatically…savvy."
He steps up to Norrington. "I want you to know I was not rooting for you through any of this time. Know that."
"Elizabeth…It would never have worked between us, love."
"Too bad," me-as-Elizabeth sighs.
"Will…nice hat."
Will glances up at his hat and shrugs in embarrassment. "Governor Swann picked it out," he grumbles.
"You'll always remember this day as the day you almost caught *Captain* Jack Sparro- oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" As he falls over the side of the fort.
"Hehe," random Naval officer with pompous hair laughs stupidly. "He's drowning!"
The Black Pearl appears suddenly. It now has white sails, and the crew are calling it simply "The Pearl".
"Damn, it's that ship again," Norrington swears.
"I think now is the time for a random incoherent line in which I use the word 'piracy' fifteen times, don't you?" Governor Swann remarks. Me-as-Elizabeth and Will, who are holding hands (sigh) exchange annoyed glances.
"Um…yeah," Norrington says, and leaves with all the rest of those random Navy soldiers with pompous hair.
"So this is really what you want, Elizabeth? After all, he's a blacksmith."
"Well, that's true, but he's *my* fucking blacksmith, isn't he? Anyway, I'll just pretend he's a pirate so he can actually…never mind, father."
Governor Swann leaves, and me-as-Elizabeth and Will begin to make out unreservedly. (A/N: Finally! I've been waiting the whole entire fic for this!)
Meanwhile, randomly, Jack has ended up on the deck of the Pearl. "I thought you were supposed to keep to the code."
"Uh…didn't you just say if you randomly betrayed Will then we should leave him behind?" Gibbs scratches the back of his head.
"Oh, right. Well, in that case, give me my hat."
Jack gets his hat and jacket, then goes to caress the rudder for a few minutes. The crew watches him, while he is oblivious. He finally notices them. "I'll jack off my ship if I bloody well want, savvy?"
They all quickly wander off in spontaneous directions. Loud dramatic music plays for the extent of three seconds.
"Dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah…and really bad eggs…I forgot the rest of the words…Oh, fuck it all, drink up me hearties! Yo ho!"
End of Story
Whew. What a relief to be done. I know that was short and not as funny. If you want funny, go read chapter 6. That was a good chapter.
Thanks to everyone who reviewed, ever, I appreciate it. I love you. I would also appreciate it if you went and read some of my other stuff. (Have you met Pluggy McPlugson? Yes, you have, in the last sentence.)
Big smiles, hugs, Jack-shaped confetti to you all!