(During the dinner scene in "Corey's Been Dead for an Hour" Charlie doesn't follow Alan into the Men's Room. He comes up with another idea to make Alan pay for at least his own meal.)
(I often felt sorry for Alan. A lot of his problems were not of his making and he usually was everyone's whipping boy. However, his cheapness irritated the heck out of me almost as much as it did Charlie.)
"Alan I believe it's time we got the check."
"Agreed."
Charlie signalled the waiter. "Check please."
As though that was a signal of some kind Alan stood up. "Be right back."
"Whoa, whoa. Where are you going?"
"The little boy's room," his brother answered.
"He means the little cheap bastard's room," Charlie muttered as Alan fled. For fleeing was exactly what his brother was doing. The word "check" catapulted him out of his seat, shooting him to the Men's Room, where he would hide out until sucker Charlie tired of waiting and paid the whole check.
Well, not this time. He had HAD it with his brother the mooch. He already lived in Charlie's house rent-free, ate the food and drank the beverages that Charlie supplied. He watched Charlie's TV with the satellite feed paid for by Charlie's money.
Even this afternoon. After announcing that it would be "his treat" at the movie concession stand, it turned out that Alan had "forgot his wallet". Again. Which, of course, meant he couldn't pay for parking either, as he had offered. Just like last time. Of course, the cherry on top had been when Charlie had pulled out his wallet, once again, to pay and Alan had quickly ordered a bagel dog.
"Just to make it an even thirty," he had said, as though he was doing Charlie a favor of some kind.
Well, not this time. He started to shove his chair back and take off after the little moocher. But then he had a better idea. He took a deep breath and waited for the check. When the waiter brought it, he smiled, tipped the man and asked for a favor. Since he was a frequent and favored customer, the waiter was more than happy to comply. He quickly brought Charlie two checks, having split what Alan and his date had eaten separately from Charlie and his date.
Charlie was certain that Alan would be occasionally peeking out from the restroom to see when Charlie gave up and paid the bill. Based on previous experience, he would then wait until the others were going out the door and then rush to join them in the parking lot. But this time the scenario would be a little different.
He settled the bill for him and his date Vicki, tipping generously again. This would end up costing him more money than if he had simply paid for the whole thing but he was hoping it would be worth it. He smiled at the other girl.
"I'm sure Alan will be back momentarily. Would the two of you meet us in the parking lot?"
"Sure."
"What was that all about?" the girl hanging on to his arm asked as they passed the maitre'd into the lobby.
He quickly explained as he guided her behind a large potted plant that gave them a fine view of the table they had just vacated while keeping them out of sight. Sure enough, shortly Alan emerged from the restroom. He returned to the table, a puzzled look on his face. The waiter intercepted him just as he reached his chair.
"Your check, Mister Harper."
Alan stared at the slip of paper as though it was a snake about to sink its fangs into his hand.
"There must be some mistake," he exclaimed.
"No, it's correct," the waiter replied blandly. "This is exactly what you and your date consumed here tonight. Mister Charlie paid already for his slightly larger portion of the bill."
Alan had no idea what to do. He stared helplessly around the restaurant, apparently hoping that Charley would appear to handle this. When that failed, he fell back on his old standby of "I seem to have forgotten my wallet". The waiter was very sympathetic for a few brief seconds before inquiring just how Alan intended to pay the bill then. Alan appealed to his country girl date, Nina used to the guy paying, of course, had brought no money. He then tried indignation about the meal, complaining of its quality and hinting that he should be comped because of how poor it was. He demanded to see the manager on duty.
What Alan was not aware of was that the reputation of the Harper brothers had spread throughout the Mailbu restaurant community. Waiters, hosts and hostesses, even bus-boys, chefs and managers flitted from place to place and took their gossip with them. And spread it. It was generally agreed that Charlie Harper freely spent his money. He had excellent taste for food and beverage and tipped generously. He treated the staff well, being both polite and friendly. Okay, he tended to hit on every and any attractive female but that was expected by now.
Alan Harper was completely opposite from his brother. He ordered by price, the cheaper the better. He tried to convince his occasional dates to eat inexpensively or to suddenly spring the idea on them of "going Dutch". He would try to beat down the prices listed on the menu. As for tipping, it was never going to happen. Indeed, when out with his brother, he had been seen more than once sneaking back to snatch up the tip money and take off with it.
The manager arrived. While normally a complaining guest was cause for at least a little tension, the woman looked bored.
"Yes, Mister Harper?"
"Oh good, you know who I am."
"Everyone knows who you are Mister Harper."
Alan was pleased for a moment, not realizing the reason the woman knew him was not flattering. That point was brought home as she continued.
"So what is it this time Mister Harper. Did you 'forget' your wallet again?"
Even Alan heard the quote marks around "forget". It sounded lame even to him when he admitted it.
"You should make a better effort to recall that item when you leave home. Two weeks ago, across town at Riggolo's, you forgot your wallet. Before that, I think it was at Jefferson's, you found yourself in the same position. I don't know how you resolved those situations but tonight it's simple. Pay the bill. Or work it off. By the way, I've received several complaints about you hanging out in the Men's Room for extended periods of time. Please do your cruising elsewhere."
Alan looked around for Charlie again. He pulled out his phone. Seeing that, Charlie quickly turned his phone off and backed further out of sight. Although he couldn't hear the exact words, it was obvious from his brother's wild gestures that he was venting his displeasure at being left behind.
By now Vicki was giggling at Alan's predicament. She did, however, point out to Charlie that it wasn't fair to leave her friend Nina hanging at the table.
"Not when the three of us could be doing something much more interesting." She brushed her fingers along his arm with a positively wicked smile on her face.
That stirred Charlie. He carefully motioned to the hostess, who had been barely keeping a broad smile off her face as she watched Alan's interaction with the manager. She slipped over to him.
"Yes, Charlie?"
"Julia, would you take this," he counted out just enough money to pay Nina's portion of the bill, "and pay off the woman's portion of the bill? I'll make up the tip later on. I just don't want Alan to know it comes from me or that I'm still around."
"Sure, Charlie."Noticing a party making its way towards them, she added, "How about I say Geraldo Rivera paid for her?"
"Great idea! Thanks, Julia."
"I'll get her to meet you in the parking lot."
"You're the best."
"Remember that."
Sure enough, Geraldo Rivers and his party appeared, followed shortly by Nina, who spotted Vicki waving and headed over to the car, the door of which was already open and the engine running. She climbed in, a puzzled look on her face.
"What's going on?"
"Nothing." Charlie replied as he pressed down on the gas. Already in gear, the car tore out of the parking lot.
"But Alan is still back there," protested Nina.
"He has his own way home," said Charlie. "In the meantime, I think we planned a wild evening?"
In a way, Charlie almost regretted not sticking around but he had other plans. He was fully briefed a few nights later by the hostess, Julia. Somehow, being in bed with her while she told the tale made the scene where Alan. giving up any other hope of escape, tried to make a break for the door. It worked about as well as most of his ideas. Whimpering, he was carried by two brawny waiters to the kitchen and had not appeared again by the time she got off.
In fact, Charlie knew exactly when Alan was finally released. It was nearly two in the morning when his brother stormed through his bedroom door, waving his arms and talking so loudly that Charlie worried that he might wake up Vicki and Nina. After all, they had only finally got to sleep not an hour earlier. Ignoring Alan's ravings, he escorted the other man out of his bedroom, closing the door behind them.
"Now then," he asked when they reached the living room, "what is going on? Where have you been?"
"You know perfectly well where I've been," his brother fumed. "I've been right where you abandoned me at that damn restaurant!"
"What do you mean? You went to the restroom. And the three of us waited and waited and waited. Finally, I got tired. Vicki was ready to go, in more ways than one, so I paid for my share and we left. We waited some more in the parking lot but you never showed. Then Nina came out by herself and we waited again. No Alan. So we finally left. After all, how long were you expecting us to wait while you did, well, did whatever it was you were doing in there."
"They wouldn't let me leave. I had forgotten my wallet and I couldn't pay for my meal."
"Forgot your wallet? How could that be?" Charlie asked innocently. Or rather he tried to sound innocent but his enjoyment of the situation was making that nearly impossible. "I checked with you before we left. Twice in fact and you assured me you had your wallet."
"I must have lost it."
"This wallet?" Charlie tossed it to him. "It was on top of your chest of drawers. I couldn't figure out how it could be there since you had twice assured me you had it. Why it was almost like you were setting things up so I would have to pay for your share of the meal. And I know you wouldn't do that."
It WAS funny seeing Alan looking like a fish out of water. Just like he had looked in the restaurant.
"Anyway, I'm glad you're finally back. I'd love to hear what all went on after the rest of us left but right now I need to get back to the girls. I wouldn't want them to wake up alone. They have a tendency to start without me. I don't mind that, rather enjoy it in fact but I certainly don't want them to finish without me. So good night, Alan. Or rather, good morning."
Charlie found that the girls were indeed awake and starting without him, although they were very happy to have him join in. Even in the midst of their resulting fun, as noisy as it was, Charlie kept his ears perked. Over the sounds of moans, gasps and even cries of pleasure, he heard Alam's cry of horror. He managed to spare one moment to look at the nightstand and the cracked open top drawer, where a flash of green showed that the roll of bills he had accidentally found hidden in the base of a lamp in Alan's room was still there. And it would remain there until morning. Right now he had other things to hold his attention.
(The End)