::Grannies Gone Wild! – Mischievous Traditions::

Dee slung an arm over Cartman's shoulder and thumped him on the chest the moment the door was shut behind them, wearing a massive grin on her face that silently said far more than she could verbally express.

You crazy son of some dick-polishing mad god, I don't know what kind of bullshit you had to go through to do it, but you got everyone here! I don't know how you fucking managed it, but you fucking did it!

"Whoa-" Eric cried out at first, but laughed when he realized he wasn't under attack. The thumping he got was the friendly sort, and her sudden grabbing onto him served to pitch them forward into the yard, crossing over a snowdrift at the edge of the front walk that had been built up of so many shovelings with a defined stumble that might have edged up on an outright tripping. Having her short but hefty frame latched onto him didn't do much for his balance, and the pair of them tripped on the hardened edges of snow and ice. On the edge of going over, Kyle reached in to get Dee from the other shoulder and pull her upwards, vaulting the shortest of their number over the top of the drift and saving both her and Eric from plummeting face first into the snow. "Dude, calm your jets!"

"You realize we're all dead in about ten minutes when my mom figures out what just happened?" Kyle quested, wearing a smirk despite the awareness that his mother was going to invent a new circle of hell the moment she figured out her son was gone.

"She's not going to know what a minute is in less than five." Kenny lobbed back, stepping his lanky ass over the icy berm and giving Butters a hand.

"You didn't tell us that was the stuff from last year, dude." Stan pointed out, trotting a few steps ahead and turning backwards to face the rest of the group. "Are you trying to cause another Christmas Eve Riot?"

"I mean, if you wanna get technical, it's the eve of Christmas Eve," Butters pointed out as Eric, Kyle, and Dee all finally managed to find footing and Dee released Eric to step away and re-establish her usual bubble of personal space... and dropping her smirk to give a look to Kenny. Last year? Her family had stayed in, but she remembered the riot- it was kind of hard to miss the town going to hell in a hand-basket. Sure, some kind of holiday trouble was practically tradition for South Park, but it usually stayed in the business district where events were held. Last year, the party had gotten started somewhere closer to the neighborhood; apparently at a holiday potluck held at the community center... but her family hadn't been there, so she had no idea how it began or what it was all about. And once the rocks started flying? They knew to lock their doors and blockade their windows.

Maybe that was for the best. She'd ask Kenny about it later; if his family had been partly responsible, she could only assume he'd had a front row seat to whatever the hell had gone down.

"But that's what makes it perfect, guys." Cartman insisted, eyes shining almost as brightly as the LED lights integrated into his sweater. "Our parents are gonna get all fucked up tonight and probably not remember anything- which means in the morning, we can just tell them what happened!" He declared. "Everyone agreed that nothing has to change with how we all hang out? Fine! All our allowances got raised? Done! Kyle's mom admits she's got the widest vagina from here to New York? Whoops, guess it's true!"

"Hey!" Kyle shouted out. "Dude, don't you dare say that about my mom!"

"But it wouldn't be me saying it, Kyle!" Eric insisted, gesturing wildly. "That's the beauty of it; if we're the only witnesses, we're suddenly the ventriloquists, and we can make the dummy parents say anything!"

Wait a second, this was all a plan to try and get the adults to change their minds about letting a girl hang out with their sons? Dee blinked, twisting her head back and forth between Eric and Kyle as they argued as if it were old news. Kenny had said this was all Eric's doing, but she hadn't figured on him having larger designs outside of crashing the party.

Catching up with that realization, she came to understand what seemed to be the main thrust of his scheme.

… your plan was legit 'get everyone too fucked up to remember anything and put words in their mouth'? That's... surprisingly direct, honestly.

"That doesn't mean you can make 'em believe it, dude." Stan pointed out, hardly wrapped up in Cartman's hype.

"Of course we can!" Eric trilled back. "Did you guys fucking forget we have the mother of all secret weapons in our back pocket?"

Dee blinked as Cartman's gaze suddenly turned on her, followed by the rest of the group as, one by one, everyone caught on to what his full plan was.

Including her.

Oh.

"... I'm not making your mom increase your allowance." Dee stated flatly.

Chris had no idea what was in that nog, but he was certain it was more than the usual. He could taste something different when he drank it, putting down his first cup of the stuff with Randy, Stephen and Stewart, and hefting another back with Gerald in short order before he served Liane and, as a matter of course, kicked back another swig with her to get her started.

He didn't have much of a tolerance to speak of in the first place; it was Kelly who was the recovered alcoholic, who could probably still put it away with the best of 'em despite being dry for years outside of social gatherings. Drunk was never his altered state of choice; he hated the dry mouth and the nausea that came from over-indulging, and hangovers were the worst. His preference had always been weed; something that just made the world feel okay and fun, and made even his most hair-brained experiments in the kitchen seem like inspiration from God himself. Sure, it was possible to go too far and get way too high, but almost every story he had about getting stoned out of his goddamn mind was more funny ha-ha than it was oh my God I'm so lucky I didn't breathe vomit in my sleep.

Either way, he was certainly feeling it when he returned to the kitchen with a half-full solo cup, but it wasn't just the general bodily warmth that came with the early stages of a buzz. No, no, his body was feeling light, losing particular awareness of specific joints and his head beginning to feel as if it were floating free on a loose string rather than sitting atop his spine. Stepping back into the kitchen came with a deep inhale through his nose, bathing in the smells of roasting meat and fresh-baked bread, and letting out a shameless sound of delight as some dopey part of his brain all but lit up with a sense of elation that left him giggling to himself.

"Oh, jeez, did they put hot sugar in this? Stewart, you crazy genius..."

"Knock knock?"

Chris startled, turning on his heel and blinking for a few seconds to find he'd been followed, and then laughing at himself for reacting so extremely. "Granny Stotch!" He greeted jovially. "What can I do for you?"

"Well, I had an idea for a little... holiday mischief, as it were." The charmingly plump old woman responded with a little smile, leaning her head in and putting her hand up as if she were a child telling a secret rather than a grandmother edging up on seventy. "I don't know if Stephen has told you, but I'm actually quite the prankster."

"Oh really?" Chris quested, a broad smile spreading over his face as he leaned in, taken up by curiosity... and his own love of the occasional practical joke. Granted, most of his jokes were just setting up opportunities for egregious puns. "What were you thinking?"

"Well, all the kiddos just popped outside to play in the snow before dinner, and I just so happen to have a little something in my bag..."

As she spoke, the woman brought her large bag to her front to open it and dig inside. Chris watched as, after a few seconds, she produced something that made him blink for a few seconds, and then cover his mouth shortly after to contain the giggles. "Wha- what in the world... are you just carrying that around for?"

"You never know when you might get the opportunity to catch someone off guard with an old holiday tradition." Granny Stotch smirked herself. "Just as a bit of fun, of course; snap a picture or two of embarrassed faces, that sort of thing. I don't suppose you have a step ladder...? I'm a little too short to hang it up myself, and the others... well, they seem to be having a bit of a talk out in the front-room."

"Of course they are..." Chris sighed, making a motion for her to follow him as he proceeded into the kitchen proper, pulling open a pantry door built into the wall. Doing so saw him greeted with shelves of dry goods, and there was a hook on the back of the door on which he hung a simple black step ladder. "Don't get me wrong, I think it's a talk we need to have, but... it's the holidays, we shouldn't be hashing out stuff like this. The rules take a vacation around this time of year, anyway- work through all the gray areas after the fact." He said while picking the ladder up off of its hook and shutting the pantry door again.

"If I might ask, why is it a gray area? I may be a little slow, but... last time I visited, I was sure as sugar that your child was a boy...? Did he... transition? Is this one of those things?"

Chris damn near laughed. He honestly felt like it would have been easier to tell their neighbors that- it might have made the topic too awkward to discuss for at least a month or so, gotten them past New Years at the very least... but there'd been no space for that. The truth had gotten out on accident, during a town-wide crisis, and with all the rumors that ended up flying around? It felt like the only way to clean things up was embrace that truth rather than bury it deeper.

"No, no, she's... she's been our daughter the whole time, but acting as a boy. It's a long story."

"Oh, I know. I heard parts of it, though my grandson certainly as a wild imagination- he had me half-convinced you and your family were hiding from a government conspiracy like the kinds that play on the TV!"

Chris did laugh... but it was the faint, almost nervous kind of laughter. "... yeah, wild..."

"Anyhow, I don't exactly blame them... it isn't really proper for young ladies to be running with boys, now is it?" Granny Stotch noted with a defined change in her tone as she took the step ladder from his hands. She wasn't so cheery anymore; instead articulating herself in a lower manner that Chris found menacing... but that might have been the nog. "I'm not suggesting your daughter is incapable of handling herself, but little boys grow into young men, and... well, five against one? Those are really some poor odds, even for the strongest among us... and it's only bound to get awkward at some point when one of them falls for her. Do you really want to have to talk her through the tears of realizing she ripped her own group apart when those sweet little boys she's grown up with turn into jealous young men?"

Chris blinked. He felt like he'd been punched in the gut by the sudden change. And then, before he could even get his hazy head together for a response? She started smiling again, reverting into the cheerful granny as she hefted the step ladder and made her way to the doorway of the kitchen.

"Oh, but I do prattle on! Thanks for the ladder, I'll bring it back when I'm done sticking this up over the front door!"

"... five against one..." Chris muttered, left with all his worst fears.

Maybe he'd pull Kelly aside after dinner was served. Maybe they did need to rethink this.

Maybe their neighbors had a point.

"What?!" Cartman crowed, both hands flying out to show his palms, as if they were negotiating and she were being utterly unreasonable. "Alyssa, come on, I already did you a solid here- I got everyone together in one place! I got Wendy to bribe Shelly to keep her schedule open so Kyle's mom couldn't use Ike as an excuse not to come, coached Stan on just what to say so his dad would overhear that Kenny's family was bringing the booze, and told my mom about how your family wants to make nice with everybody so when the other moms called her to confirm what was up the story would check out! I have put days of work into this; the least you could do is help me get a little bonus on top! I've got a fucking trust fund, and my mom is only giving me twenty bucks a week! A week!"

Always an angle with you... well, nice to know the Christmas spirit didn't make you completely lose your mind.

"That's like... a brand new video game every month, dude." Stan noted dryly. "I get like five bucks a week, and that's only as long as I keep my grades up."

"I finally have a million dollars, Stan!" Eric retorted. "And I can't touch it until I'm eighteen because it's in a stupid fucking trust!"

"The last time you had a million dollars, you bought a theme park. The fuck did you wanna do with it this time?"

"Whatever the fuck I want, Kenny, Jesus!"

"Didn't yer mom say she was puttin' it away for you as a college fund?" Butters quested. "Who knows how much school's gonna cost by the time you're old enough to go? Why, the way I hear it, it's gettin' more expensive every year..."

"You think I care about going to skewl for more years than I have to, Butters?" Eric demanded. "Fuck no, I want my fucking money now, so I can buy all the best stuff and make Token fucking embarrassed to show up to school with only the second-nicest shit in town, upgrade all my computer stuff, become the YouTube star I always deserved to be, move the fuck away from this shitty little town, and never have to deal with any of life's burlshit ever again!"

Dee felt like she was on a goddamn roller coaster. From coming up from the basement in utterly befuddled confusion, to shocked elation that Eric worked things in just the right way to have the whole gang here, to a faint hope that her mom might actually be able to work things out with the other parents... to the stark reminder that, no matter what, Eric was always out to gain something.

"I'm not commanding our parents, dude." Dee refused. "We only just finished up with the last mess that shit caused."

"Oh, so it was okay to brainwash me, but you'll draw the line at my mom?" Eric scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest. "Should we pull out the scoreboard on all the other shit you've done me dirty on, just this year?"

"No, it wasn't okay, that's the point." She responded quickly, refusing to let Eric get going and finding her voice in the process. "I only discovered my shit has special effects offline a few months ago- y'know that part of super hero movies where the idiot newb misuses their abilities and nearly fucks everything up beyond repair? That's the part we just got past, and I had to have three surgeries, and poop into a fucking bag for a week, after it was over! And yeah, sure, my future self showed up to give me a book of rules so I don't fuck up again- guess who hasn't fucking read it yet?" She quested rhetorically, getting progressively louder as she spoke. "This asshat, right here, because I'm still freaked the fuck out! You want a fucking scoreboard?!" She began to count things off with her fingers, growing more emphatic as she continued. "I mindfucked you, twice,choked out the president, shattered the psyche of a secret agent so badly it got Butters shot, mindfucked myself on a loop to undo the mindfuckery of my evil future version from an alternate universe, who was only here because your future version couldn't handle his ass getting divorced and decided to nuke his entire timeline, and to top it all off? We saw exactly how it would look if I decided to just casually brainwash the whole town!"

Five counts had her hand open, and with the last item on the list she threw the whole hand upwards in exasperation.

"You think I'm even a little okay with all the shit that's happened?! I just want a break! I just wanted some time off, with my friends- no time travel, no brainwashing, just... chill the fuck out for a fuckin' minute."

She felt out of breath. She swore, she'd used up an entire year's worth of words on this one evening.

"... Dude..." Stan muttered, the first to say anything, but he didn't follow it up right away- just letting it hang.

"No commands." She stated firmly before anyone could even try to reason with her or change her mind. "Not on you guys, or immediate family. Not unless the world is actually gonna fuckin' end if I don't do it. Not even for jokes- no matter how perfect. And... Eric?"

She winced as he looked at her. His baby blue eyes were wide, like he was still trying to figure out what to make of her massive rant, or searching for the loose end to take control of the conversation again. Either way, she wasn't gonna wait for a quippy response; pulling out the 'scoreboard' reminded her that she had something she needed to do.

She was probably gonna regret this, but she owed it to him.

"If you want a free hit for all the crap I put you through, I'll let you have it. Right in the face- go for it."

She watched as he considered it; surrounded by their gang of friends. It was a power play; an opportunity for him to look strong over her and get back at her in front of everyone. She watched him think about it, saw his hands clench into fists as he considered it.

Why was he hesitating? This felt like the sort of thing he'd go for in a heartbeat. Putting on a show in front of everyone? If he whacked her hard enough and caused a black eye, he'd get to brag about it at school until it healed. After all the shit she put him through, why wouldn't he want an excuse to gloat over her?

He held the posture for a second longer, looking just about ready to haul off on her... and then released. His hands opened, and his shoulders relaxed down from the agitated posture he'd taken when he started arguing with her. His face untwisted from its pissed off expression, and he smiled instead.

What?

"Dude, it's Christmas! I'm not gonna fuckin' punch you on Christmas eve's... eve. I'll save it for later."

"Well, if you're not gonna take a free hit..."

Dee blinked. She'd been so dialed into... all of her shit, she didn't catch that Kenny had moved. Hearing his muffled speech was her only warning- right before a snowball nailed her right in the shoulder.

Looking over, she barely managed to turn before she got a second one to the chest, fired off by Butters.

"Snowball fight!" Cartman announced with glee, ducking for cover while scooping up a handful himself, the group quickly scattering as things devolved into 'every man for himself.'

It felt good to be back.

"Kiiiiids, come back in, dinner's on!"

Butters had entrenched himself with Kenny on the driveway, sandwiched in tight between the Broflovski's vehicle and the piled up snow along the edge of the cement pad, when he heard Dee's mom call them in for food. Good sense kept him from popping his head up right away, though, and his caution was proven worthwhile as a snowball slammed into the side of the car behind him right where his face would have been if he had stood up right away.

Kenny stood up with a great deal less caution, brushing caked snow off of his jeans and stepping back over the drift to rejoin the group before trooping for the door. When no snowballs hit him, Butters deemed it officially safe to stand up as well, but didn't try to clear the drift- instead turning to snake his way up along the driveway and head straight for the shoveled walk.

The snowball fight had been fierce; he'd gotten nailed a few times, but it had all been in good fun; no one had packed any rocks into the balls or anything like that. He'd only gotten one ball to the face, and he could pretend Eric didn't actually mean to get him in the face. It was probably an accident. It wasn't until now, when he came out of hiding, that he got to see how far everyone had scattered; both Dee and Cartman had ended up on the sidewalk bordering the street to get some cover, Stan had dug himself in at the far end of the yard, and Kyle had gone around the corner of the house; putting him and Kenny as closest to the door, but with only him trooping back directly.

He might have skipped lunch just to avoid sitting at the table with his grandma today, and he'd been hungry when his family had first stepped in and he got a whiff of what was cooking. The fellas would catch up- or maybe he'd just hold the door for everyone when he got there first. That was the polite thing to do.

Dee suddenly blasted up from the side, having broken out into a full run and followed by cries of surprise and laughter as she leapt over the snowdrift bordering the walkway up to the door with all the abandon of a wild horse... and landing with maybe as much grace, at least in his eyes. She had a mile-wide grin on her face, and looked over at him with eyes that shined in the multicolored Christmas lights hung up outside her house.

It was impossible not to smile back, and he felt his cheeks warm.

Golly, she's even prettier when she smiles like that.

He couldn't help the thought, following Dee up the walk as she established herself in the lead of the group. The others tripped over themselves to hurry up behind her and catch up, but all landed in place behind Butters whilst he and Dee were the first one up the steps to push the door back open after her mom closed it to keep the cold out.

Butters tried not to think about the fact that he still had a crush on Dee, one that dated back to when he still thought his friend was an exceptionally pretty boy and tried to ask 'him' out to the Homecoming dance, only to find out that Dee and Kenny were already together and keeping it a secret. Being trusted with that secret had made him feel special, and he'd ended up going with them on a lot of their dates as their cover to keep things from looking like a date... but sometimes it kinda felt like all three of them were dating. He was there the whole time; seeing movies with them, walking around Stark's Pond after, stopping at the cheap diner in town for milkshakes and bottomless coffee. He was happy for them- they were adorable together, and they didn't leave him out of things. He was part of the conversations, part of the jokes, part of nearly everything they did in public... but every time he found himself getting bashful in Dee's general direction? He felt like he was doing something wrong.

She was Kenny's girl, right? It wasn't good to be crushing on a friend's girlfriend. Or boyfriend. Or any-whatever-other-kind-of-friend. That was a bad-friend thing.

But he couldn't help it. He couldn't help the stupid smile on his face as they stepped into the warmth of the house.

It's not bad, so long as you don't do anything. Feelings are just feelings. So long as they're not actions, they don't hurt nobody. Dee and Kenny are still my friends, and don't wanna do nothing to hurt my friends.

Stepping over the threshold, Butters came to a sudden stop. His gammy was in the entryway, and she had... her phone out? It looked like she was lining up to take a picture of him and Dee as they came inside.

"Smile!" The old woman encouraged, catching the pair of them off guard as the rest of their friends were forced to stop behind them and create a traffic jam on the doorstep.

He heard her phone play the sound effect for the shutter click, and he figured that would be that- just his grandma capturing a holiday moment... but she was wearing that smile she got when she was up to something.

"Okay, kiddos... look up!"

Butters blinked, and did as he was told. At first he had no idea what this was about; was his grandma just trying to make him look dumb in front of his friends by getting him to look up at nothing? That seemed a little tame for her... but in looking up, he found there was something above himself and Dee, hung just above the frame of the front door.

Was that...?

"M-Mistletoe?"

Sure enough; a sprig of mistletoe had been hung over the entryway with a bit of white ribbon and some tape.

Oh hamburgers, you gotta be kidding me!

It was a holiday tradition, and something of a romantic cliché, that getting caught under mistletoe with someone meant you had to kiss them. Butters might have even thought about some people he wouldn't mind getting caught under mistletoe with this year, and Dee might have been on that list... but thinking about it and having it happen while surrounded by people were two extremely different things.

The living room erupted in taunting laughter; it sounded like all the adults of the party were enjoying their fair share of holiday cheer, and it was causing them to jeer like a lunchroom full of kids as Butters felt the somewhat pleasant warmth he'd been experienced before turn into a burning flush on his face that couldn't even bare to look at Dee, lest she punch his fucking lights out.

Oh God, Kenny's right behind me! I can't kiss Dee right in front of him! I-I mean I can't kiss Dee! That's not okay- this isn't okay!

Nope, he couldn't look over at Dee or back at Kenny. He was terrified to see either of their faces right then... so he looked forward, and saw his gammy... wearing that smile of hers.

Oh you mean ol' bag of-

"Well, kids? It's tradition." The old woman prodded, that smile getting wider. "Hurry up, you're gonna let all the cold into the house!"

A drunken cheer of encouragement went up from the living room, of which Butters noticed was all by led by his dad- although he couldn't see everyone in the second he took to glance that way.

No, no way, I'm not doing this. I'd rather run home and hide in my room until dad comes home to ground me for bein' a pussy, I can't-

A hand landed on his shoulder. He stiffened as all the energy that had been ready to carry him off on his plan to bolt instead shot directly up his spine and felt like it impacted the base of his skull. With a blink, he turned his head, seeing Dee standing next to him... but she was looking just as shocked as him. Her green eyes were wide, her lips flat as her jaw hung slack, and she wasn't looking at him.

It wasn't her hand on his shoulder.

It was Kenny's. He was at the head of the group that had piled up behind them in the door, and he was stepping up to get between him and Dee.

Relief. Kenny was gonna take his place and assert himself as Dee's boyfriend- not like the whole group didn't already know. Well... besides Eric. He could step aside and let this whole little episode fade into memory, and his grandma would only have a couple stupid pictures to show for her prank, serves her right-

Kenny didn't let him step away, nor did he turn towards his girlfriend, though he was using his other hand to push back his hood. He was smirking.

Butters was frozen. He didn't know what was happening. One second he'd been lost in the terror of doing something horrible and hurtful, and the next?

Kenny had suddenly grabbed him and dipped him like one of those old black-and-white movies where the guy always bent the gal waaaay back before kissing her. It was a move that sent both groups around them, the adults and the kids, into an uproar as, in a dramatic second, Butters found himself the subject of something he'd never, ever expect.

It was over as quickly as it happened, and Kenny was grinning after the fact, throwing his hands up into the air like he'd just done a stage performance before taking a bow. Then, as a final flourish, he turned to where the mistletoe was hung, eyed it for a second, and then jumped up to snatch it down and remove it from the doorway.

Butters stood aside in some form of shock as the rest of the group finally filed in. He felt like he could jump into space, or maybe just his stomach felt that way. His face still felt warm, but he wasn't sure if that was just the embarrassment.

Kenny had just kissed him. In front of his girlfriend. And played it off as a joke- he had the whole room laughing as the guys gave him shit for it while they got their outwear off... but Butters? He just sort of... stared on for a few extra seconds before getting with the program and letting out an flustered laugh of his own.

He hadn't felt this mixed up since he first realized he wanted to ask Dee out.

Oh jeez.

::The Author's Corner::

Butters you poor, poor boy. You precious poor boy.

Also Jesus H I was not expecting to end up in polyship territory in this fic, but here we fucking are.

Seat of pants writing goooooo

ONWARDS!

-Buttlord