This story is something that just popped into my head when i was studying for my physics exam. Review if you want. This is a crack fic so don't complain if you don't like it. The 'kill yourself' comments are annoying as fuck. Onward to the story.

Things were looking bleak. The ninja were tired, the edo tensei ninjas were done with and the kages were doing some 'united we stand' bullshit .

As though everything wasn't shitty enough, Yakushi Kabuto who was somehow possessing the resurrected corpse of a dead tsuchikage had revived the real uchiha madara.

Naruto stared at the man he had only heard of in stories and wondered how his stressful Monday had escalated to a life-threatening Friday. 'Would I have been able to avoid this all if I had just faked a sick day on Monday morning'

Right as Gaara was about to send a wave of sand that would have kick-started the terrifying badass and one sided massacre of thousands of people, the sky darkened and kabuki music began to play from nowhere. Confused mumurs began to sound and Naruto looked at the sky. ' Ero-sennin... is this your way of telling us all that we will soon be meeting shinigami-sama'.

A hole opened in the clouds and a man slowly descended doing a dance that reminded every konoha ninja of jiraiya.

The man finally landed at the ground beside madara and stopped dancing. Immediately he stooped, the sky lightened again and the music ceased to play. Madara,who was just like everyone else, too shocked to move stared at the newcomer with a WTF expression ( you know, with the blank white eyes wide open). The man, no guy, looked at everyone in the area and opened his mouth.

" Holy shit kurama, it actually worked, I'm in the past!". An orange chibi sized fox with nine tails crawled out of the mans cloak. An occurrence that gave most ninja present a heart attack. "Yes Naruto I can see that" the fox snarked.

All ninja present turned to the orange wearing genin who looked like he was having a partial stroke. "NARUTO?!!"

"I swear that isn't me, the kyuubis still in my gut". Naruto managed to squeak out.

The future Naruto looked at his past self and laughed "There I am, standing right where I was before bashing Madara away with a rasengan. Hey me!" He waved. Naruto who was looking like a sheet of paper, feebly waved back. Naruto turned to the shell-shocked Uchiha. "Oh, you're here as well. How's life been treating you". "0_0"

"Yeah, i know, dead people can't experience life. But look at you, you're intending to betray obito..". "Wait, obito ?!". Kakashi screamed.

"Don't be so loud sensei, i can hear you from here. Yeah obito's still alive".

"...But how?"

"Long story short, obito survived at kannabi bridge, got picked up and patched up by zetsu, met madara, watched you off rin, went crazy, unlocked the mangekyo, did akatsuki shit, placed yagura under genjutsu, released the kyuubi, help itachi kill the uchiha clan, gave sasuke Itachi's eyes, killed konan, declare war on the elemental nations. You know, bad guy stuff in general"

Kakashi stayed silent. It wasn't everyday you found out that your believed to be dead teammate was responsible for nearly every bad thing to happen in konoha since rhe kyuubi attack that said teammate caused.

"Yeah so I'm just gonna save you all the dying and give you a spoiler alert on the future. Madara kills over two thousand people, blows out a sea of fire, uses a susanoo and unlocks the rinnegan".

"Wait, what do you mean the rinnegan?" past naruto asked" I thought it only occured once in fifteen generations, and Nagato got it?"

Future naruto chuckled "Nagato's eyes were implanted into him by madara when he was a very little child.

Something about summoning the gedo mazo"

Past naruto felt kurama shudder at the name ' Yo kurama, what's the gedo mazo'

' It's the dried husk of the juubi, by sealing all of my siblings and myself into it, the one eyed god will be revived'

'That doesn't sound good'.

'That's because it isn't good'

'I can hear you both'

Past naruto and kurama jumped at the foreign voice in the seal. Something that earned the boy a few odd looks. He turned to look at his impishly grinning self from the future.

Future Naruto turned to madara " I honestly feel pity for you though, all the planning and gambling and in the end, you still got penetrated from behind by a close ally."

Madara scowled "What do you mean?"

"Zetsu isn't your will worth shit, the black slimy fucker's the third child of the super-sage-gramp's mum. He used you to revive his mother Kaguya otsutsuki"

"Who the hell is kaguya?" Temari asked, others nodded in agreement. It was a good question.

"Kaguya's the progenitor of chakra and mother to the first hyuga and the super-sage-gramps" said future Naruto. There was silence again. Madara looked like he was going to cry. All his efforts and plans were just to revive some black goop's dead mother. "She's also a very mesmerising MILF". Most people's faces turned red.

Naruto began to have a nosebleed "Yeah, a bunny girl who hides a goddess's figure behind some baggy ass kimono. Shame she was genocidal. She looks like someone who gives divine blowjobs. The horns could act as handholds. I can already imagine it, my hands wrapped around her horns while she suckles and licks my member. Those thin kissable lips grazing the hair of my groin as she looks up to me with the byakugan and rinnesharingan".

At the end of his fantasy narration, most males were out cold with bleeding noses. Even Mei had a blush at the mental image.

"Who is this super sage gramps"? A asked, not really affected by what was the just said. He made a mental note to ask Mabui out if he got back though.

"The rikudo sennin obviously" Naruto scoffed. Really, were kumo nin that muscle headed? Again, everyone was shocked into silence, the man most people thought was just a story was real.

Future naruto yawned. "Anyways, madara drops two meteors on ohnokis head, uses moukton, summons a susanoo

army, trolls everyone until obito arrives, fights hashirama, takes hashiramas sage. chakra into a hashirama face he has on his chest. Seriously man, you couldn't confess your love for the guy so you implant his flesh and grow his face on your chest right

above your heart. That's taking gay love to another level".

Chuckles erupted as Madara blushed in embarrassment. It wasn't his fault that the face was a side effect of implanting his rival's flesh into his wound. Past Naruto couldn't help but snicker. He could feel kurama laughing so hard, the bijuu was choking.

"It was to awaken the rinnegan" Madara growled. He had grown tired of getting shamed by this bastard. He was still reeling from the truth about zetsu and the fact that all his plans were being exposed like a painting.

Naruto grinned "I can feel your agitation rising. You mad bro?"

Madara shook with fury. He wanted nothing more than to tear this idiot to pieces but he could tell from the male's power that surpassed his despite being suppressed that he wouldn't even be worth paying attention to. His pride wanted him to charge the fool but his brain told him to stand down. He listened to his brain more than his pride.

Naruto smiled " As I was saying, he summons the bijuu to fight us all, rips Kurama out of me, seals the revived juubi into obito, obito trolls some more, gets betrayed by madara who seals the juubi into himself, gaining the rinnesharingan which he uses to place everyone in an eternal genjutsu called the infinite tsukiyomi".

Shock and horror were seen on most people's faces. Both were seen on Naruto's face.

"But since you're here doesn't it mean that madara failed?" A random ninja asked.

" Yeah, thats where it gets complicated. I die for five minutes where a recently arrived sasuke and i meet the rikudo sennin. Turns out that madara, hashirama, sasuke and I are transmigrants of his two sons. He gives sasuke the rinnegan, gives me a power up, we wake up just in time to fight madara a bit, he gets stabbed in the back by zetsu, inflates to make kaguya".

Madara looked like his life came crashing down on him. Which it probably did. After everything, he not only got betrayed but turned into a woman. Perhaps it wasn't too late to go back to the afterlife.

" After that, kakashi, sakura, sasuke, obito and I fight her, we seal her away, obito dies, the infinite tsukiyomi is dispelled, sasuke fights me at the valley of the end. Sasuke blinds me, I kill him, implant his eyes and the rest is history".

Nobody knew what to say after all that. Relief was on everyone's face, they were saved from death at the hands of a mad man who turned to a super hot chick.

Naruto grinned " Now that's done, I'm headed off to another dimension where I'm going to try and have sex with a female version of myself. Bye guys. Try not to fuck up the future".

With that, he disappeared. Madara turned to kabuto and tore the man's head off his shoulders. He silently sobbed as he turned to dust. Obito who had destroyed zetsu after hearing everything stood soulless.

The ninja were already leaving most likely to drink away the craziness of the day. Eventually only Naruto was left on the battlefield.

"So what now?" Kurama asked. Naruto sat on the sand trying to rest out the killer migraine. He seriously needed a vacation.

As he stood to leave, sasuke arrived with his group. " Naruto, I'm here to assist your side in the war".

" 0_0",Naruto stared at the uchiha before walking away. He needed to take a life long vacation.

Sasuke, Suigetsu and karin stood alone.

Suigetsu turned to sasuke "What'd we miss?"