Author's Note: Set after the events of 'Life is a Cabaret'. I love Johnny and Moira. Mature romances are so rare on TV. So I wanted to do something nice for them. Feedback is welcome.

Disclaimer: I own even less than the Roses did when they first moved to Schitt's Creek. No copyright infringement is intended.

A Gift for Moira

"David, Alexis? Would you come in here, please?" No response. Johnny sighed. Why was he not surprised? "David? Alexis?" he called a little louder.

"What?" David barked from the adjacent room.

"Would you come in here please?" Why were his children so categorically opposed to crossing 15 feet from their room into his? "It's important."

David appeared the doorway, flailing his arms. "Okay, I'm here. What?"

"Alexis," Johnny called again. "I need you, too."

"Ugh! Okay!" She flounced dramatically into the shared doorway, pushing her brother a little further into their parents' room. David shot her an annoyed look and she rolled her eyes in response. "But make it quick. Ted's going to Skype me about some mutant turtle he found on the island."

"This concerns your mother," Johnny began. David scrunched up his face and Alexis bugged out her eyes impatiently. "You know how down she's been lately because of her crows movie being shelved."

"Yeah, so?"

"So, David, I thought it would be nice if I bought her something special."

"Oooh, that's so sweet," Alexis gushed, her expression immediately softening. Despite her bluster, she's really a good kid at heart, Johnny thought.

"The trouble is your mother is accustomed to high-end gifts and I could use some suggestions given our reduced means."

David huffed indignantly. "Um, last I checked Rose Apothecary offers a wide array of very high-end items at perfectly reasonable prices."

Alexis scoffed. "You sell plungers and lip balm, David."

"No, no, that's true what you say, son," Johnny began cautiously, "but I was thinking more along the lines of jewelry. You know how fond she is of rings and brooches."

"Well," said Alexis, twisting a lock of hair in her fingers thoughtfully, "you could try consignment stores."

"Or eBay."

"Is Ebay a designer?"

David nearly dropped his phone in shock. "Seriously?"

Alexis thwacked her brother on the arm. "David! That's a great idea, Dad, you can totally get Mom some amazing vintage piece from eBay. You just have to out-bid other people for it."

"You mean like at a Sotheby's auction?"

"Something like that. Only on the computer."

Johnny frowned. The hotel computer and he rarely saw eye-to-eye. "I don't know. That sounds complicated."

"It's not," Alexis assured him. "You set the amount you're willing to spend up to and the computer bids for you but only up to that price and no higher. You literally can't overspend."

David started tapping on his phone. "Here, I'll show you how it works."

Since he had an account already, David parked his father in front of the hotel computer, pulled up his account, and showed him how to add items to his wish list for David to bid on. Johnny decided he could spend up to $700, which was really stretching it, to be honest, but he'd been a generous man all his life and Moira deserved the very best he could afford. Still, he hoped the final price would be closer to $500.

Alexis suggested he look for something in jet glass, which she knew would suit her mother's preference for black pieces that could be seen from outer space. But Johnny quickly discovered jet glass, even large pieces made of high-quality vintage jet glass, was dirt cheap, and he hated the thought of being "cheap." He switched to Hematite, which was more greyish, but it was still too inexpensive. Vintage black rhinestone – same problem. Black sapphire showed a bit more promise price-wise, but the rings and necklaces were pitifully small. He had no better luck with obsidian and onyx. Jet was looking like the best option by far for size and boldness. Then inspiration struck. He typed in "black pearl" and the price range instantly jumped into the low $100s. That's more like it, Johnny thought smugly. He eagerly began scrolling down the page, opening links and adding promising items to the watch list.

And then there it was. A listing for Tahitian Black Pearl earrings with Diamonds 14k gold. He knew instantly the moment he saw the thumbnail photo that this was the perfect pair. He eagerly clicked the link. Each earring consisted of three smallish diamonds clustered at the post, leading to a long cone of white gold dangling down about 2 inches, at the end of which a big round dark grey pearl was set. Total length – 2.5 inches and the "Buy It Now" price was $650.

Johnny immediately texted his son: I found them.

Johnny spent the rest of the day anxiously waiting for David's return, worried someone else would buy the earrings in the meantime. When he did come back, David had questions for the seller. Many, many questions, like where and when did the seller buy these earrings? Clarity, cut, and weight of the diamonds? Where exactly did the pearls originate (the earrings were being sold pre-owned and coming from Atlanta)? Were they dyed or naturally colored? Why were they being sold? Could the seller send several more photos, including one specifically showing the 14k stamp?

"That seems like a lot of questions for the eBay, son. Are you sure the eBay won't be offended?"

"You can't be too careful," David replied. "You don't want to pay for fine jewelry and end up with costume junk." Alexis nodded her head vigorously in agreement. Johnny secretly thought most of the time his wife looked like she was wearing a costume, but he wisely deferred to his children. Nevertheless, Johnny longed for the simplicity of Sotheby's. No need to grill sellers there, it was all done for you in advance by people with specialized training. Vetting purchases yourself was a stressful business.

Fortunately, the seller turned out to be a very forthcoming lady who had acquired the earrings on a trip to the South Seas many years before. A half a dozen emails and 8 additional photos later the Rose children were at last satisfied their father's purchase could safely be made.

David and Alexis were sworn to secrecy, which Johnny knew didn't normally mean much but still he hoped. And by some miracle his prayers were answered for once.

The day after their arrival, Johnny drove his wife to the Elmdale Inn for dinner with the earrings wrapped and safely tucked in his jacket pocket. "Just for a change of pace," he told her when she asked why they were going there instead of the Café Tropical.

They ordered, at which point Johnny could contain himself no longer. He beamed at his beloved as she opened the box.

Johnny savored how her whole face softened and her lips pursed into that sweet little 'O'. Of all the expressions his wife's face made, this was in fact his favorite.

"Why, John! To what do I owe the bestowal of these precious baubles?"

"Oh, no reason, Moira," he said lightly. "I just thought you deserved something nice."

As a rule, Moira was not given to public displays of affection but now she leaned in and kissed him tenderly. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears. "Why Mr. Rose! You are the sweetest man a woman could ever hope to espouse."

Johnny considered this unique woman to whom he'd bound his life all those years ago. Yes, she was selfish, vain, and histrionic. She struggled at times to connect with their children, but she persevered. Her wig fetish and bizarre accent were total mysteries he'd learned to accept. But she was also determined, fierce, loyal, tender, and still sexy as hell. Simply put, he adored her.

"And you, Mrs. Rose, are absolutely perfect."

End Note to Readers: If you were wondering about the "mutant," Alexis thinks it might be a ninja turtle, but in fact in February 2019 researchers from the Galápagos Conservancy's Giant Tortoise Restoration Initiative found a female Fernandina Giant Tortoise (Chelonoidis phantasticus). The species was thought to have gone extinct in the early 1900s.