DEFINITELY NOT ABOUT LOKI: A NEW MUSICAL

Off-Broadway premiere!

Scene 1

(Lights up on TRICKSTER GOD, lying on the floor, center stage. He is wearing tight leather pants and a helmet with metal horns. His hair has glitter in it for some reason.)

TRICKSTER GOD (singing):

You hear my name, you silly cis, and it fills you with surprise

You underpowered human with your makeup and your fancy clothes

You rely on makeup and hardly resort to lies

No superpowers here to see, oh no

(Vocal riff)

THUNDER GOD: Brother! You must stop killing all these innocent people!

TRICKSTER GOD: Why tho?

THUNDER GOD: Do you not know? Murder is bad! My magic screwdriver told me so!

GREEN GUY: Science!

ENGINEER (singing):

I already believed in aliens, but this fills me with surprise

Because the other members of my team all hate me

It gets played for laughs while I nearly die

ENSEMBLE (singing):

And he gets employed by the government in the comics in the future!

ARCHER: That doesn't fucking rhyme! What is wrong with you people? Why are you singing?

(Brief dance interlude. The final two choruses to "Nobody" by Mitski play over the sound system, fading back into the instrumental music to whatever this song will be called.)

TRICKSTER GOD, to ARCHER (singing):

It's okay. I'm under mind control

And you're an underpowered human with bad taste in clothes

ENSEMBLE (singing):

It's okay, he's under mind control...

TRICKSTER GOD (singing):

And I'll make allusions that I'm vaguely beholden to a powerful purple guy!

(Blackout. All exit. FATHER GOD enters.)

FATHER GOD: Son, I have something to tell you.

TRICKSTER GOD: You love me? You're proud of me? Oh boy, after all these years of watching my brother commit war crimes and seduce random women, and me just standing by to clean up the mess and learn magic, I've been waiting for this moment for such a long time! Say, Dad, why don't we go play kickball? And you can tell me how much you approve of my actions?

(Brief pause. Ensemble slowly creeps back in, listening intently.)

FATHER GOD: You're adopted, and we indoctrinated you to hate yourself. Also, your brother trashed your room.

ENSEMBLE (singing): And you're an underpowered human with bad taste in clothes, oh!

(Various vocal riffs.)

("Nobody" plays again.)