Touch of NSFW

It was awful. Going beyond bad, into horrific, through stuff of nightmares coming out on the opposite side of so bad it's good and landing into awful. As in "readers should be filled with awe over how bad this thing was." To her great surprise, Shepard found she enjoyed the hell out of it. Sure, the book was a scathing damnation of her relationship with Garrus, but no one with three working brain cells in their head could possibly believe this narrative contained any truth. She had skipped the endless passages on the authors feeble minded opinion of the war, and went straight for the good stuff. Verner had got it into his mind to insult virtually every species she'd ever had aboard the Normandy, and although Liara had been given a preferential treatment it was probably because human men in general liked asaris. Blue T&A, Shepard mused, he should be so lucky.

There were so many gold nuggets, but Verner's description of Javik as "that deformed batarian with urine-colored eyes, saved from salarian inhumane experiments by the warmhearted commander" was in the top five. Liara probably had to tie her prothean to the bed and ride him into oblivion to make him forgo revenge for that one. No wonder she called so early. If only the book hadn't contained all those long and verbose descriptions of her and Verner's "torrid lovemaking". It almost made her nauseated that Verner had thought up those scenarios.

Downstairs, the voice of Tali'Zorah went silent. Poor Garrus. He'd been up early, and no doubt got the worst of the publicity blast. She should go down and comfort him. Shepard started tapping her fingers on the nightstand, grinning broadly. She really should do that. But when had she ever played nice?

Garrus had read no more than half a chapter when Shepard came slowly down the stair. He flared his mandibles in a tired smile, but she wouldn't meet his eyes.

"We have to talk."

The tone of her voice chilled him, and he got up at once. "Jane, what-.."

"I have something to confess Garrus."

Her body language was more demure than he had ever seen it, and it unsettled him even further.

"I've been.. having this trembling ache in my loins for a long while."

His eyes narrowed, and he glanced quickly down at the datapad in his hand, before raising his head and glowering at her.

"I was feeling so lost, and unfulfilled, and you just weren't there for me."

He could hear her voice choking with crocodile tears, and his mandibles clamped to his jaw.

"Jane, stop that. The book is bad enough to read, I don't need a live performance as well."

"It's not that you didn't try, it's just.. a blue-blooded turian can't fully satisfy the cravings of a red-blooded strong willful woman as myself. I have certain needs and desires. You simply weren't.. large enough to fill them."

She too clearly had gotten further into the horrid story than he had, or maybe she had skipped to the more insidious parts first. He moved to grab her, but she was quicker and slipped by him, keeping them separated by the couch. The recital continued.

"The ecstasy an earth man can provide is like embracing eternity, only lots lots better."

He groaned. "Jane, seriously, I will get you for this."

He could see that she was trying not to grin, and the fact that she enjoyed his discomfort aggravated him further. She would get hers, by the spirits, she would.

"There will be punishment, Jane. Lots lots of it," he purred at her.

At these words, a smile escaped her lips, but she never gave up in the face of adversity. Shepard decided give it her all and in a heartbroken voice said "Forgive me Garrus, but I need a human man, a true alpha male in every sense of the word, one that makes me moisten at the mere thought of him tearing my clothes off me, pushing his hard manhood against me, impaling me on his mighty-."
"Sssheparrrd!"
He tossed the datapad aside and lunged for her. She was almost within reach if his long arms, but flipped over the sofa to relative safety. On the other side, she took a quick moment to playfully stretch her arms in the air, revealing the letters written on the back of the T-shirt: I heart Conrad!

How dared she! Garrus gave a loud growl and entered a fight stance. A move in either direction, and he would...

She couldn't suppress her laughter anymore, and it bubbled to the surface, making Garrus' growl even deeper. It was time for a tactical retreat. Not that she minded being "punished" occasionally, but she wasn't just going to roll over and take it, as it were. She made a feint to the left causing him to mimic her movement, before she made a sudden break to the right for the upstairs bedroom. The double-clicks of bare talons on the floor closed in behind her as she scrambled for safety, then a ripping sound when the shirt was literally torn off her back.

"Heyy!" she protested, but continued the wild dash up the stairs, now half naked. Sadly she was unable to shake off her pursuer, and he picked her up and slung her over his shoulder, before trudging over to the bed and unceremoniously tossing her on it.

"Ooffh. You're the beast Vakarian, not Wrex." She twisted around to face him, and he landed on top of her, bracing himself on his elbows. "No talking of other men in our bedroom, Shepard. Not in the mood."

She wriggled to get out from under him, but Garrus snatched her arms and held them above her head. He bent down and rested his forehead in the crook of her neck.

"You, are a heinous, malicious, nefarious, wicked, wanton woman, and I loathe the ground you walk on." Every insult was followed by a hot breath on her neck that made her shiver. It was time to fight back.

"Aah, so I caught you reading the thesaurus. I'm so glad my sweet, dear, cherished, precious, treasured and beloved mate don't read whatever random smutty rag falls in his lap." She punctuated each term of endearment with a kiss to his face and against his mouth plates.

"I won't fall for flattery, Shepard," he growled as he pinned her to the bed with his body.

"Shepard-Vakarian, my love," she crooned.

"And only your Jane." She licked his neck with a wide wet tongue, causing the small muscles in his neck to ripple under the soft skin. He suppressed a groan. "Not fair."

"Love and war," she murmured against his hide.

"Oh, this is both," he whispered back while he dragged one hand down her body. When he reached the line of her sweatpants he extended two talons and sliced through it.

"Today it's mostly war." He tore the fabric from her body.

"Tell me Jane, do you want my chafing mouth plates on your body?"

She met his blazing blue eyes. "Yes."

Garrus pressed his mouth against hers, snaking his tongue out to meet hers while he made small teasing thrusting movements between her legs.

"Tell me you ache for me."

Shepard whined loudly. Damn this turian. This was beyond unfair, it was downright cheating. "Garrus.." she pleaded.

"Tell me Jane, or I'll be dry humping you all morning."

"All right, all right, I ache for you."

"Not really giving me the same performance as downstairs, but I'll be generous. This time!" He fixed his gaze on her as a warning. He then let go of her hands, and she huffed and chuckled as he lifted himself a little to free his cock. She tugged at his tunic.

"A little overdressed there, Vakarian."

"Quiet Jane." He smacked her hands away. "Don't make me take away what little freedom you gained just now. Where was I? Ah yes."

He slid his blue cock between her folds and started to grind against her while still remaining on the outside. With his low flanging voice he purred;"Am I large enough to fill your every need and desire."

Shepard gasped. "Garrus, please.."

"Answer me, Jane." He purred while keeping up the agonizing grind.

"You're everything I need or want." She added two more words under her breath "sadistic bastard."

"Don't get fresh with me, little human." He bit down gently on her shoulder, causing her to gasp again and grab at his hips. He shook her hands off, and continued his interrogation.

"And who's cock does your wet little pussy want to be impaled on?"

Shepard couldn't hold back a snort of laughter at this, but it was quickly cut short when Garrus thrust half is length inside her and pulled out again, grinning and waiting. She cupped his mandibles and pulled his forehead to hers.

"Only my mate's, only you, Garrus."

He breathed heavily, but pulled himself up and now stared into her eyes, dead serious.

"Most importantly; will you EVER again wear another man's name on your body?"

The shirt, she thought. Might have gone a bit far there.

"Your name is on my soul, my heart and my body. The only one."

He closed his eyes in bliss at this confession, and then drove himself plates deep inside her.

An hour or so later Shepard rolled out of bed and gave a sad look to another pair of her favorite sweatpants in tatters. The company that made those should give her a damn discount. She tiptoed past the exhausted turian in the bed down to the living room and dropped into the couch. Despite the fact that Verner was an annoying little twerp with a Munchhausen syndrome, he probably couldn't cause much more havoc now that Liara was on the case. With her help this thing would blow over in a matter of weeks, tops. She turned on the news-feed, and Diana Allers was giving a riveting account of all the the libel laws Conrad Verner and his publishing company had broken, how their actions were casting ugly aspersions on commander Shepard-Vakarian's character, and that of her mate, and that he would indubitably be hit with a defamation suit in the near future. Shepard grinned. Liara worked fast. She flipped to the next item on the news reel. It was an interview with her mother. Shepard's grin vanished in an instant and she sat bolt upright, clutching the remote. Hannah Shepard's voice dripped with sarcasm when asked about the truth of these allegations of her daughter having a lover.

"If not the fact that Conrad Verner has never set foot on the Normandy is proof that many of the, ahem, trysts described in the book is false, the fact that Verner himself is alive surely is. Have you ever worked with a turian? They have a superior sense of smell, and I doubt the ghastly reaper adviser would have allowed this Verner character to remain breathing if he smelled the man on his mate."

Shepard shut the interview off. Oh, no! Her mother was discussing her sex life on a public broadcast.

Behind her she heard Garrus' low chuffing. "I always liked your mom." He sat down beside her and took the remote from her hands. "Let's keep watching, this could be good."

Shepard twitched when she heard the cheerfulness in his voice. She doubted any of it would be good.

Garrus searched around until he found a new item and put it on the screen.

It was a series of interviews from their apartment complex, from the building manager to their neighbors. Questions ranged from how many neighbor complaints the Shepard-Vakarian household received on a normal week due to loud sex and indecent displays in the elevator. The number of incidents were quite startling, and one elcor couple living below them had reportedly moved away, the husband citing extreme emotional distress when his wife had began saying wantonly and lustfully outside of mating season.

Shepard was willing to bet that not half of those interviewed actually lived here, and that Liara had conjured them up on extremely short notice. The asari had done this without her usual delicate touch, and Shepard suspected the ass-shaking comment had something to do with that. Next time the shadow-broker called too early, she would weigh her words more carefully. The worst, however, was yet to come.

Khalisah bint Sinan al-Jilani had never been one of Shepard's greatest fans, but took great pride in her dedication to finding the truth behind every story. As such, the journalist had delved deep into the background of the commander. She expressed her doubt about the authenticity of the book, stating that commander Shepard was a confirmed longstanding xenophile deviant, with a special predilection for turians. The numerous incident rapports of scandals the Alliance had been forced to cover up regarding her blatant disregard for fraternization rules in relation to Vakarian would make a sizable pyre. She also ran her piece with clips released from various security cameras on the citadel, public award ceremonies, motion cameras atop the presidium and even a few from the Normandy, showing Shepard and Garrus in various states of in flagrante delicto, stating that if the commander had made time for yet another lover, the reapers would have won hands down. Shepard winced and tried to avoid strangling the laughing turian beside her. This would be seen by her family, the Normandy crew, Alliance brass and the galaxy in general. She wondered it there was a derelict reaper somewhere they could activate to divert some attention away from her sex-life. Sadly, this was improbable.

His mate groaned whenever the clips were looping on the news several times a day for the next weeks. Garrus however, wore a smug grin and strutted around like the primarch of Palaven. The pictures of his bond-mate with her hands shamelessly all over him and her tongue in his mouth and on other parts of his body proved to the galaxy that she didn't need or want to look outside their bed for satisfaction. He suspected Joker to be the inside source for the Normandy vids, and decided not to booby-trap his chair after all. What he would do instead was to give Joker a heads-up that the commander might not be so understanding and benevolent. In Garrus' opinion the the pilot deserved to live a few more years at least.

The stress involved in dealing with the sex scandal, her annoyed mother and the vindictive Liara's "help" in the weeks after the book first released caused Shepard to have a set-back in her recovery. Her implants were acting up, and they had to call in Miranda Lawson in the aftermath to do a systems check. After chiding Shepard for undoing months of work, she ordered complete bed rest and calm to avoid further injury to her body. Always a paragon of iron health, Shepard mysteriously seemed to have developed a bad case of the flu in addition to complete exhaustion. Miranda had taken a few more tests, frowned at the results, but said not to worry.

Another few weeks later Garrus again sat at the window in their apartment with his kavah and smiled happily. Just another hurdle passed, he thought. After weeks of volus lawyers crawling all over Verner's publishing agency, the horrible man was convinced by his own lawyers to retract the statement on the blurb "Based on a true story," and the book was now sold from the fantasy section of any bookshop. Unfortunately, Garrus thought, it still remained a bestseller. Ah well. The real lesson from this was how much attention he and Shepard garnered in the press, even with Liara on damage control. They had practically been hounded day and night, and it was no wonder Shepard had suffered a small collapse. Garrus decided they wouldn't be so careless in the future. No more semi-public sex on the presidium, no more stalking wannabe lovers, no more salacious rumors about human-turian relationships. And anyway, it was over. The press seemed sated. The only thing that could possibly top the rumor of commander Shepard having a lover was commander Shepard being knocked up by her turian husband, and it wasn't like that was about to happen any time soon.

Right...?

The End