Word of caution: one whacked fic. I have a warped mind.

How Haruko Managed to Save the World

Disclaimer: Me? Own the series? Yeah, and I'm king of the world.

Claimer: I own those green aliens in shiny red jumpsuits. And Rukawa's soft toy.

Synopsis: Aliens abducted Haruko. Enough said.

A/n: For some weird reason, I got the idea while I was in the bath. Anyway, this is written purely for laughs. So, on with the fic!

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It was the perfect picture of a morning in Kanagawa. The sky was a perfect blue, with fluffy clouds floating lazily. The sun was shining brightly and there was a soft breeze blowing. Little sparrows twittered to one another contentedly and flew above the trees to return to their nests and feed their chirping offspring. Sunlight glinted off the roof of the building known as Shohoku High School's Gym.

Yes. It was the picture of a perfect morning.

That is, until a loud, brash voice yelled out and broke the silence.

"TEME KITSUNE! HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY BALL!!"

"Do'aho."

"WARGGH!"

"URUSAI!" *Bam! Pow! *

"ITAI! GORI!"

"*mumbled* Dòaho."

Haruko gasped and held both hands to her mouth as she saw her elder brother dish out two skull numbing blows to Sakuragi and Rukawa which resulted in smoking red lumps on the top of their heads. Why oh why was her brother so hard on the two players? They were Shohoku Basketball teams' pillars. They were going to make it big one day. They had the talent to go far . . .

Actually, she felt upset because her brother hit Rukawa Kaede, the number one boy in her life. Rukawa the blue eyed, pale skinned, breathtakingly gorgeous, icy cold, stony faced, and ultra talented freshman whom she had been obsessed since she entered junior high. Of course, he had hardly breathed more than three sentences throughout all those years they had known each other, but who was counting?

All that mattered was that she was truly, madly deeply in love with him, and hoped one day he would turn around and realize that he too was so madly in love with her as she was with him. One day, he would find her and pour out his feelings toward her, and ask her to spend the rest of her days by his side. She would respond by saying for all the years they had known each other, she had cared deeply for him and her joy would be made complete just by being with him. After that, they would get married and live in an old mansion with their ten kids, three dogs, two cats, seven hamsters, six horses and two parakeets. And of course, they would live happily ever after.

But until that day, she would just watch him from afar and watch his graceful profile and the swift way he managed to get the orange sphere into the net. All she had to do was to just wait.

And wait.

And wait.

"Alright. That's it. Practice is over," Akagi called out and everyone trudged to the locker room to hit the showers. Haruko hovered around a little, hoping to catch Rukawa's eye. No such luck, he was staring at the floor.

"Haruko-chan!" Sakuragi bounded, smiling sunnily. "So how was I? Do you think I've improved?"

She returned his sunny smile. "Of course you did! You were wonderful!" she told him encouragingly.

Sakuragi blushed red to the tips of his hair. "I did?"

"Of course you did," she assured him. Her heart suddenly skipped two beats. Rukawa was just there, standing a few feet away from her. He had his normal stony, expressionless face of his. She was sure behind his face, was a deep empty void of pain which he hid every day by being cold to everyone. Haruko was sure she could break the shell that surrounded him, if only she had the chance.

"Ru--Rukawa-kun, "she said hesitatingly. He didn't seem to hear her. Instead, he just tossed the basketball on the floor contemptuously and headed into the locker room. It hurt her to see him like that. Oh Rukawa-kun, she whispered inwardly. If only you'd just look at me, I'll manage to make you see, we were made for each other.

"Baka Kitsune," Sakuragi muttered hotly under his breath, unknown to Haruko.

"Haruko." She turned around to see Akagi towering over her. "I've got something important to do after this, so don't bother waiting for me. Go home first."

"Alright," she said, because she respected her big brother hugely, although he was apt to be hot tempered and he hit Rukawa just now. Saying goodbye to everyone, she left the gym by herself.

How I wish Rukawa-kun would just look my way, she thought as she walked home. If only he knew how he takes my breath away when he makes a slam dunk. If only he knew how my heart throbbed whenever he walked past me. If only he knew, I blushed hotly each time he walks past me to go the water fountain. If only he knew how my knees go weak when I see him sleep in class. If only . . .

[somewhere about 234000 kilometers in the sky]

"What is that?" the captain demanded somewhat hysterically as soon as the green scanner went blipping madly. A huge red spot turned up on their radar. "What is it? Is's driving our whole system whack! How do expect me to conquer earth with that thing messing up our signals?"

"It seems to be a human, Captain," Smegmog, the second in command (and the supposed expert on human species) answered. "I think it happens to be a female of the species."

"Why is it showing up on the radar?" the Captain shrieked. "Just look at the interfering waves it's sending out! It's enough to block the command to fire!"

"Uh," Smemog faltered. "I think, Captain. I think, that thing's in love."

"In love?" the Captain practically bawled out. "What in Great Prophet Moo d̀ya mean in love?"

"It's a sort of feeling, which we Verbians are quite incapable off," Smemog recalled thoughtfully. "It's rather queer really."

"I don't give a jiggle if it's queer or not," the stressed Captain's voice mounted to a high-pitched hysteria. "Exterminate it! Squish it! Smother it! Whatever! Just stop those signals!"

"I have an idea Captain," Smemog said, as he rubbed his trunk thoughtfully. "Why don't we beam that creature up, and make it answer some of our questions concerning earth's week spots? If it refuses, we can hold it hostage and make a trade with the earth's ruler? If he wants his follower back, he has to surrender earth to us?"

"Yes, that would be the wisest thing to do," the Captain declared after a moment's consideration. "What there! Pilot! Beam that female earthling up!"

[Back down on earth]

She walked on, oblivious that there was a light blue beam trailing behind her. She was so lost in her thoughts, she didn't realize that she was suddenly surrounded in blue light, and was being raised higher and higher into the hovering saucer...

*Thump!* she was finally aware that she wasn't on her way home. In fact, she was sitting on her rear end and staring into the faces of the queerest beings ever. All of them had three eyes that were looking at her they way you'd look at something the dog did on your carpet. They were dressed in what looked like shiny red jumpsuit that clashed awfully with their pale mucus green skin. A long floppy trunk hung from the middle of their faces. She blinked. And blinked again.

"Greetings earthling. We have come here to ask you a few questions. If you treasure your life, you'll answer our questions and will aid us in conquering your measly planet which you call earth."

It took her a while to realize that they were aliens. And when she did realize they were aliens, she got very scared, but managed to hide it. Haruko smiled weakly at them. "No problem," she said as cheerfully as she could muster.

"Tell us, what were you doing walking unaided by your fellow human beings," one of them asked her. It had a squishy voice that reminded her of a sponge being trod upon.

"I was walking back home after basketball practice. My brother had to stay back for a while, and he asked me to go home first without him. Usually we walk home together after basketball practice. You know what basketball is, don't you? It's the greatest game ever invented. What makes it the greatest game, is because it's so exciting. Especially when Rukawa-kun plays. He's the greatest player in Kanagawa," she was cut off by the alien closest to her.

"What is this basketball?" it asked. Despite her fear, Haruko stared. "You don't know what basketball is?" she asked incredulously. "Don't you have it from where you come from?"

"I'm afraid the planet Verba is rather ignorant of the savage games you mud dwellers' play," it responded coldly. "Do elaborate."

Her eyes widened. "Fancy, not knowing what Basketball is," she said. Haruko then launched into a very detailed explanation on basketball.

[some time later]

*Yawn* why is she telling us this. It's so boring. [Alien # 1]

"And of course, once you get the ball into the net, it's means that you've scored. Usually it's only two points, but there are also free throws and three pointers," here she broke off and stared dreamily ahead. "Rukawa-kun does those three pointer's so perfectly," she said, (very much ignorant to the fact that the one who did the spectacular three pointer shots were Mitsui). Haruko sighed. "If only you'd see Rukawa-kun play," she said. "He's got so many great moves..."

"Who is Rukawa-kun?" the alien asked her. "Is he your leader?"

"Gracious no," she said, startled. "My brother's the captain of the basketball team. We're getting really good you know, I think we have a shot at winning the championships next year you know. But anyway, back to Rukawa-kun. I've known him since we were in junior high..."

On and on she went. After an hour, the aliens had concluded that Rukawa-kun was actually a ten-foot tall holy deity, or maybe an idol who had godlike powers and could score points (whatever they were). He could also wield a strange orange weapon called a basketball, and was always sleeping. The human girl was very much infatuated with him, but he had hardly spared more than a glance at her although she had known him for so many years. They also concluded he was a deadly pale and was devastatingly good looking (well, by human standards, anyway).

"So tell me human," the alien asked when Haruko had finally paused for breath. "Is it a normal practice to fall in love with your idol?"

"I know I'm not the only one," she said, as she hung her head. "There's this group of girls who are called the Rukawa Brigade that practically worships the ground he walks on." This caused a rising mummer from the aliens. They had concluded that the Rukawa Brigade was a team of elite female soldiers in a strict uniform of pink and white, and waved weapons called pom poms. You also had specially chosen by the three leaders of the brigade called Ru, Ka and Wa to look after the great god Rukawa-kun.

"But what I really think is, the brigade's just infatuated with him," Haruko said earnestly. "Beneath it all, they don't know that he's actually hurting a lot. Something in his past must have hurt him so badly for him to be the way he is now. I believe that if I can, I can make him see..."

"Someone stuff her before she drives me mad," one of the aliens mumbled. "If she says one more word about that Rukawa-kun I will burst!"

"Very voluble, the females of the human species," the captain murmured to Smemog. "I'm not sure if we made a right decision to abduct this female and pump the information out of her. "Tell me, female human," he said, rasing his voice to the girl. "Where can we find this Rukawa-kun of yours?"

Haruko stopped and thought. "Well, at this time, he would be at the basketball court now, practicing basketball. He's really dedicated to basketball you know. All Rukawa-kun wants to do is to win the championships..."

"Ahem," the Captain cleared his throat loudly. "Will you lead us to this Rukawa-kun of yours? We are rather anxious to meet him."

"Of course," she said eagerly. Smemog led her to the big screen and punched a few buttons. It flickered and then Kanagawa flooded into view.

"Now, the basketball court is just three roads away, yes, just over there," she pointed. The court flickered into sight, but there was no Rukawa there. Instead, there was a human, throwing a basketball into a hoop. What stood out so much of that certain human, was his orange-red hair.

"Oh, It's just Sakuragi, practicing," Haruko said in what must have been disappointment. "Wow. He's as dedicated as Rukawa-kun. I didn't know he practiced so much." She waved at the screen ( rather uselessly because Sakuragi couldn't see her). "Ganbatte Sakuragi!" she called out.

*sweatdrop* This girl...doesn't she realize that no one on earth can hear her? After all, we're about 234000 kilometers up in the air...

"I must be better that Rukawa, I must be better than Rukawa," the red head chanted each time he shot the ball into the hoop. "I'm doing this for Haruko-chan. I'm doing this for Haruko-chan."

"That's so sweet of him," Haruko cooed. "He's practicing so that he'll be better the next time I see him play."

"It's very obvious that the male human is very much intent on courting our hostage," Smemog mumbled to the captain. "It's a pity she is not aware of his slavish devotion."

"That's because all that's in her brain are just cabbages and feather's," the Captain retorted. "And that Rukawa-kun of hers."

"I think Rukawa-kun might be in the school gym," Haruko told them. A few clicks later, the interior of Shohoku's gym was displayed on the screen. There seemed to be two blobs in a far corner doing something that looked rather like sucking each other's faces out. Smemog clocked on the "zoom" button, and the aliens of Verba were treated to the sight of a tall dark, primate looking male and a rather pretty female making mouth contact.

"Smemog!" the captain roared, in an attempt to cover his embarrassment. "Explain this!"

"I, I think it's a human courtship ritual, or rather, a sign of affection" the supposed human expert said, also very much embarrassed. Haruko stared, her doe eyes wide open with surprise.

"That's onee-chan and Ayako-sempai," she exclaimed. "I didn't know they were a couple. Oh, poor Miyagi-sempai, he likes Ayako-sempai so much." She turned and explained for the benefit of the aliens. "That's my brother and the team manageress. I had no idea that they were in love with each other! I can't believe it! Onee-chan and Ayako-sempai! How could he keep that a secret from me?"

"That girl actually feels affectionate towards that beast?" the Captain asked, throughly stunned. "Great Paragon of Katta, what is wrong with this planet?"

"My brother is not a beast," Haruko interjected defensively. "It's just that he was born looking like that. It isn't his fault. Besides I don't think he's a beast. He deserves to have a girlfriend, although the person is Ayako-sempai."

"Is there anywhere else we can find your Rukawa-kun?" the Captain demanded, his voice rising to a crescendo. "Tell me, or I will vaporize you!"

"He could be at home," she said, frightened because the captain had grabbed a mean looking gun and was wielding it wildly above her head. "He lives on the other side of town, look, I'll show you where it is..."

*click* *click* *click**click, click*

This time, the aliens were in a human dwelling. Or in a what Haruko called a "room" to be more exact. There was a bed similar to those found in Verba, and sprawled on it, there was a person on it, apparently fast asleep. Haruko let out a squeal of delight, her fears of the vaporizer forgotten.

"That's Rukawa-kun," she said, pointing. "That's actually him!"

It was now the aliens turn to gawk and stare. Lying on the (very messy) bed was male human. There was a loud buzzing, humming noise that showed that he was very much asleep. A reddish brown animal was clasped lovingly in his arms. The human was also sucking his thumb, and there was a clear liquid dripping out of his mouth.

It was a rather pathetic sight really. The aliens gasped, and recoiled.

"So the rumors were true," one said. "There are no intelligent life forms on earth."

The Captain turned pale. From what he saw, if he conquered this planet, he would be the laughingstock of all in Verba. After all, Verbians prided themselves on being high-minded creatures, and no self respecting Captain would conquer a planet where all its inhabitants are stupid. He hastily made up his mind.

"Drop this creature back on earth, and set the coordinated back to Verba," he instructed. "I'm not going to risk my pride by conquering such a hole as this. Well, what are you waiting for? Send that female earthling back down!"

"Better erase her memory first, Captain," Smemog suggested. "Who knows what she might reveal to her Fellow earthlings."

"Whatever it takes! Just do it!"

@@@@@

To her surprise, Haruko found herself on the pavement. Her head was spinning rather as she got up. Images flashed back in her head, something about a spaceship, vaporizers and green aliens with trunks...

"Haha, how silly of me," she said. "Everyone knows there are no such things as aliens."

"Haruko, what are you doing here?" a deep voice asked. She looked up to see her brother staring at her curiously.

"I'm fine," she said, although some things were flitting through her head. An image of her brother and Ayako kissing flashed in her head. "Are you dating Ayako-sempai by the way?"

To her surprise, Akagi blushed a dark red. "What makes you think so?" he asked.

"I don't know. But I keep thinking that I thought I saw the two of you making out in the gym just now," she laughed. "Silly of me though. What would I know about it?" the two siblings went home, Haruko, feeling a bit queer, and Akagi, whose face was still a brilliant scarlet.

"Nee-chan?"

"Hn?"

"Rukawa sleeps with a stuffed fox. And he sucks his thumb too, while he's sleeping."

*Akagi smirks*

[back at Verba]

"So, my conclusion, is that Earthlings, especially female earthlings in general and their planet Earth is not worth our time conquering. After all, who wants to rule a planet where its inhabitants worship salivating unconscious gods, who are actually humans themselves? Who wants to rule a planet where the males are nothing but spineless wishy-washy brain dead individuals? Who wants a race that show affection to their distant primate relations? I think their capability to love one another rotted their brains and turned them into the dreadful beings they are now. That is all I have to say in this." The Captain bowed before the row of generals.

"We read your report Captain, and I think we have got to agree. We'll leave earth alone...that is, until the life forms on earth evolve to a higher species..."

~End

Now, before I set those aliens on you, just follow the arrow and click on the "go" button there.

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\/ [Go on, I know you want too.]