A Different Kind Of Thief
Peter Parker was having a bad day. First, his camera hadn't gotten any good shots during his fight with some bank robbers. This had led J.J. Jameson to chew him out when he'd gone to the Daily Bugle to inform him of this. Peter had decided to pick up some groceries and head home when he'd realized it. He'd lost his wallet somewhere during the fight. He'd gone back to the scene to hunt for it. He'd searched high and low, asking shopkeepers and vendors around the area if they'd received his wallet. No luck.
His wallet wasn't even that hard to lose. It wasn't the basic black leather wallet like so many other men had. No, his wallet was a red and blue Spider-man wallet. It had been a gift from Deadpool after he'd mentioned that his previous wallet had fallen apart. The next day he'd received a gift from Deadpool, very sloppily wrapped in newspaper. Ironically it was a page from the Daily Bugle with a picture he'd taken of himself as Spider-man. Inside had been a very nice leather wallet. It had his red and blue logo emblazoned on the outside. Peter had been very impressed by Deadpool's very nice and thoughtful gift. And he was never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, so he'd started using the distinctive wallet. He actually had gotten many compliments on his wallet choice, making him appreciate how many people loved Spider-man and really made him happy to continue to be his superhero alter-ego.
And now your friendly, neighborhood Spider-man had lost his wallet. He was so screwed. Now Peter had to walk all the way home since his MetroCard had been in his wallet. And when he finally did get back to his apartment, all he had to look forward to was scavenging for whatever was left in his fridge and calling the credit card companies and his bank to take care of his accounts. Hopefully whoever had his wallet hadn't completely cleaned him out yet.
It took forever for Peter to get home since he didn't even have cash on him for a taxi or a new MetroCard. By the time he had finally gotten to his door, fumbling in his pockets for his keys, it was already dark outside. Peter was ready to just pass out on his couch watching whatever crap tv show he could find that could hopefully make him laugh. He swung open the door and stepped inside to find a large manila envelope on the floor. Someone must have slipped it under his door. Peter shrugged off his jacket and set down his keys. Then he looked over the envelope.
On the front, in beautiful, but unfamiliar cursive was written: "To The Fabulous Mr. Peter Parker." Okay, so this was someone who knew his name and address… with beautiful handwriting that Peter had never seen before. Nothing sketchy about that. Peter flipped over to open it to find it pretty much completely sealed with duct tape. But not just any duct tape. No, this person had forgone the plain, gray duct tape. They had used very bright rainbow duct tape to seal the envelope. Whoever this was they certainly didn't want anyone getting into this envelope. And they were unafraid to hide their flamboyant nature.
With the help of a very sturdy pocket knife, Peter managed to break into the envelope. Inside he found a stack of cards and a napkin with writing on it. Peter looked at the cards and was surprised to see his driver's license on top. Yup, that was definitely his driver's license and all of his credit cards, his bank cards, and even a few gift cards for various restaurants that he'd gotten from Aunt May. Peter was shocked and confused. All of this had been in his wallet, but where was his wallet? And his cash! And his MetroCard! He looked at the napkin and unfolded it. The same beautiful cursive was on the napkin, this time in red ink. He read it.
Hello You Fabulous Peter Parker You,
I found your wallet and your driver's license had your address and a picture of you and you are seriously HOT! (In a cute nerdy way) Wish I could've been able to see if you have a cute ass too. Anyway, here's your credit cards and other important stuff. I kept the cash because I needed weed. The MetroCard because well fare's $2.75 now. And I kept the wallet cause it's kinda cool. I mean who doesn't LOVE Spider-man. Have you seen his ass!? 3 That's some great Spidey ass right there. But, here's the rest. Enjoy your day!
Toodles ;)
Wade Wilson
WHAT THE HELL!
It had been two days since Peter Parker had lost his wallet only to have some of the contents returned by the flamboyant thief, Wade Wilson, whoever that was. Peter still hadn't gotten a replacement wallet. Besides, now wasn't the time. Spider-man was on patrol, keeping his neighborhood safe. He swung on his web over to another rooftop and landed in what Deadpool called his "hero pose". It was probably a good thing that the merc with a mouth wasn't here to see it. Whenever he was he'd usually-
"DAYUM SPIDEY!" Someone wolf whistled behind him. Spider-man cringed.
"Really Deadpool?" He turned to see the muscular mercenary in his trademark red and black suit. "Every time?"
"Yup! Gotta appreciate a fine ass when I see it. And you my dear Spidey, have a perfect one." Deadpool had heart eyes and Peter didn't even want to question how that was possible, for fear the merc would actually give him an answer.
"What are you doing here Deadpool?"
"You mean besides being a badass superhero saving the city from evil and those fucktards who are convinced that the Star Wars prequels were a work of cinematic genius?" Even through the mask, Spider-man was sure that Deadpool could feel the judgment in his look. "Okay! Okay! I just wanted to show you this cool thing I found the other day!" Deadpool whipped something out, from where in his skin-tight suit it came from, Spider-man did not want to know. Honestly, he hated to think where most of his equipment came from, especially those giant assault rifles. But this suit was better than that creepy French Maid outfit he would sometimes wear. This particular object was much smaller and easily fit in Deadpool's large hand. It was rectangular, leather, and...red and blue.
"Is that my wallet!?"
"It's just like it right! I found it the other day just lying in a gutter!" Deadpool sounded elated. Peter wasn't.
"Please don't tell me you're going to committing identity theft now too," he said, exasperated.
"No Way! Why would I want to pretend to be someone who isn't my amazing self? I returned all that shit to its rightful owner." Peter snorted.
"And they just let you keep the wallet."
"Okay… maybe not all the shit. I might have kept some stuff for myself."
"Some? As in more than just the wallet?" This was starting to sound unpleasantly familiar.
"Hey! I've been looking for a wallet like this ever since I gave you yours. But the stores ran out!
"What else did you steal?"
"It was a finder's fee!"
"What else!"
"Well, I kept the cash cause I needed to buy… gardening supplies."
"Yeah right. Since when do you garden?"
"Since 4:30!" Peter didn't even want to think about what that meant. "Anyway, I didn't keep that much else… Wait! I kept the MetroCard cause they raised the fare price again and I'm already pushing it by sneaking Bea and Arthur onboard, I don't wanna steal from them too."
"Bea and Arthur?"
"My katanas. Geez, keep up Spidey. Every one of the fangirls saw Ryan Reynolds' tweet about it."
"Why would Ryan Reynolds know that?"
"Because he played me in the movie duh!"
"What movie?"
"My movie! For fuck's sake, even Mallorie saw it and she hates the guts and gore!"
"Your movie? Mallorie?"
"The author of this fanfiction we're in. Nice girl, bored out her mind right now though cause her professor's droning on and on about the syllabus." Peter decided to drop the subject. Whenever Deadpool started insisting they were comic book or fanfiction characters it got weird.
"I can't believe you stole someone's wallet."
"It's not like I pickpocketed them. I just found it lying around. And I returned all his important shit and even his gift cards. I even wrote a nice note to the fabulously nerdy looking Peter Parker explaining the situation." WAIT WHAT!
"Did you just say, Peter Parker?!"
"Yeah, so?"
"YOU STOLE MY WALLET!" Spider-man screamed.
"I FUCKING TOLD YOU I DIDN'T STEAL- Wait… Your wallet?!"
"YEAH, MY WALLET!"
"The wallet I FOUND belonged to Peter Parker!" Without thinking Spider-man ripped off his mask revealing… Peter Parker. Deadpool recognized him instantly from the driver's license that he had… nevermind… he just recognized him instantly. That was all. Nothing else. "Holy Fuck! You ARE Peter Parker!" It was at that moment that Peter actually processed what he had just revealed… and to who.
"Shit," he said, sitting down. Deadpool knew his secret identity now. He was totally screwed. The silence was deafening as both men tried to take in what had just happened. After a few minutes ticked by agonizing slowly, Deadpool sat down next to Peter.
"I guess this is yours." He held out the wallet.
"Thanks," Peter said dejectedly, taking the wallet. Deadpool leaned back on his hands.
"So…" he trailed off.
"So?"
"I guess this means you do have a cute ass." Peter found himself chuckling a bit.
"Yeah. You don't know how awkward it was to read your note asking if I had a cute ass and then, later on, go on to be like 'Spider-man has a great ass' and think 'Well I guess you do like my ass.'" Deadpool laughed.
"I told you," he said seriously. "Gotta appreciate a fine ass when I see it." Peter laughed. "Although I have to say, while you ass is seriously the definition of a perfect ass, your face is pretty cute too. In a hot nerd kinda way." Peter blushed.
"Yeah well, what does Wade Wilson's face look like."
"First of all, I'm impressed that you remembered that."
"It was a memorable note."
"Secondly, wouldn't you like to know?" Deadpool winked.
"Maybe I would!" Peter defended himself.
"I don't think this really counts as an I'll show you mine if you show me your's situation."
"Well, it should. I mean, it's not like your suit leaves much to the imagination." Peter couldn't have been redder even if he actually was wearing his mask, but he continued, "The only thing that I can't see on you is your face."
"That's not the ONLY thing," Deadpool replied suggestively.
"I do NOT mean THAT!" Yup, definitely dark red.
"You're not gonna drop this are you?" Peter shook his head. Deadpool sighed. "Fine, but you asked for it." He reached up and grabbed his mask by the head nipple, and pulled it off. Underneath was a mess of constantly shifting scar tissue with distinguishable eyes, a mouth, and a nose. Peter couldn't help it. He gasped. "Yeah. I know. That's usually the reaction I get if they don't go running off screaming in fear."
"Why would they do that?" Peter was shocked. Sure he looked a bit- okay, A LOT different but it wasn't like he was some kind of monster. Besides, his eyes were an amazingly bright, beautiful blue. Peter had never seen eyes as beautiful as that before.
"You're shitting me, right? I look like Ryan Reynolds hatefucked a Shar-Pei."
"It's not that bad," Peter said. Wade gave him a look. "It isn't! Don't get me wrong, it's not great. But there are worse things you could look like."
"You're fucking joking right? Like what?"
"Have you fucking seen Green Goblin? I'm telling you that guy looks like one of Santa's elves dropped out of Christmas college, start taking meth, and spray painted himself green while he was high." Wade laughed so hard Peter wondered if he could breathe.
"GOD! HE IS ONE UGLY MOTHERFUCKER!"
"Right? And that hat! Every time I see it I wanna burst out laughing!"
"I have a head nipple, but at least mine is perky! His is the saggy old biker chick tit of hats!" Peter was dying! "I'm telling you it reminds me of this math teacher I used to have! Old lady, tits were on basically sagging down to her knees, don't think she ever wore a bra for the two years I had her. And that room was always cold!" Peter was gasping for air, and Wade was laughing just as hard. Eventually, it died down and they could both breathe again. Peter spoke.
"That is the most I've laughed in ages! We need to do this more! Without the suits." Wade was surprised, but he wasn't gonna lose this chance.
"Wanna ditch them and go get some chimichangas?"
"I don't know. Are you gonna pay using my money?"
"Nope!"
"You spent it already didn't you."
"Maybe... But I'm still buying."
"Sure, let's go," Peter said standing up.
"Good!"
"And Wade,"
"Yeah?"
"Gardening supplies? Really?"
"I'm sorry. Next time I steal your cash I'll tell you directly that I'm buying pot."
"WADE!"
Hope you enjoyed this. Also, Wade's teacher may have been based on a teacher I used to have. Yes, she had giant boobs that were basically covering her stomach and I don't think she ever wore a bra. Trust me, once my school got air conditioning those rooms were very cold!
~ Mallorie a.k.a Lilymaid620