Part Four

(Kaz)

(26)

When Kaz wakes up, he's no longer curled around his pillow. The pillow is in fact under his head in its proper place, supporting his admittedly sore neck. He's still clutching something, however. It's soft and silky and a little foreign. Kaz isn't sure how he got it, though he does have vague memories of someone taking the pillow away.

He opens his eyes and realizes the thing he's holding is a stuffed bear, like the kind that small children carry. He stares at it in muted shock, trying to figure out where it came from.

"I thought you might want something other than your pillow to cuddle with," a familiar voice says.

Kaz jolts upright and whirls to face the voice. Inej is standing in the doorway of his bedroom watching him.

"When did you get here?" Kaz asks caught somewhere between panic and confusion. He can't figure out why she's here. She isn't due to be in Ketterdam for a few more days, is she? Not to mention that he doesn't understand why she'd be in his rooms even if she had arrived early.

"Yesterday morning," Inej said. "When you didn't show up at the party last night I was worried and came looking for you."

The party had been last night? Kaz wonders how long he's been holed up in this room. Unfortunately, now that he knows when Inej arrived in Ketterdam he has to face the more confusing question, "Why did you come looking for me? I thought you didn't want to see me anymore."

Inej's face goes slack with shock, she stares at him like she's never seen him before. "Kaz, when did I ever say that?"

"You-You-" Kaz's eyes dart around the room as he tries to think of the right answer. Normally this would come easily to him, but today he can barely think about anything. "You were angry," he says quietly. He sounds pathetic and hates himself for it. "I thought that you-" he trails off unable to force the rest of the sentence over his lips.

Inej stares at him in shock. "I didn't mean it like that," she says.

He looks away. He doesn't trust people. He hasn't since Pekka Rollins destroyed his life. He wishes that he could say that Inej is the exception to that, but it seems that she's actually not.

"Kaz," He glances up. Inej has crossed the room and is standing over him. She doesn't touch him, but it looks like she wants to. "I swear I didn't mean it like that."

He nods. It's all he can do.

(27)

"Are you hungry?" Inej asks after the silence between them has dragged on for far too long.

Kaz shrugs.

"You should eat something," Inej says in a brisk, leader's voice she didn't have before she ran off to become a pirate. "You'll feel better with something in your stomach."

Kaz highly doubts that, but he doesn't feel like trying to argue with her. "Okay."

Inej leaves the room looking weirdly like she's moving with brisk purpose and running for her life at the same time. Kaz lies back down and hugs the bear again even though needing comfort from anything, especially something made of fabric and stuffing, is weak and shameful.

Inej comes back after a few minutes with two bowls of something in her hands. She holds one out to him, hand thoughtfully positioned so he can take the bowl without risking their fingers touching. "Here," she says. "It's one of my mother's recipes."

Kaz sits up, carefully takes the bowl and looks down at it. He's eaten precious little Suli food in his life because there are not many restaurants or food carts in Ketterdam that sell it. While she was his spider, whenever Inej wanted Suli food she'd run off on her own without inviting him, so he figured it was an experience he wasn't allowed to share in. Honestly, he didn't know she could cook, though she's so terrifyingly formidable in everything else he probably shouldn't be surprised.

He takes a bite and it's not bad, which if you control for his utter lack of appetite means it's probably pretty amazing. "Thank you," he says and he's not sure if he's thanking her for the food or for simply existing and coming back to him after everything he's ever done wrong.

(28)

"Why didn't you go to Jesper and Wylan's party?" Inej asks when she finishes eating.

Kaz stares down at the half-full bowl in his hands. "Didn't feel like it," he says.

"Kaz..." she says. "I read that letter you wrote. The one that was lying on the floor."

He cringes and looks away. "You weren't supposed to see that."

"Why?" Inej asks. "Why wasn't I supposed to see that? Because it was honest? Because it was vulnerable? Because it was something other than the Dirtyhands mask?"

Kaz can't look at her, he bites into his lip until he tastes blood. "Because I don't want you to leave," he says.

There's a stunned pause, then Inej pads over and kneels on the floor next to the bed, directly in his line of sight. "Kaz," she says looking up into his face, "why would I leave if you told me you felt like that?"

"I-I-" Kaz struggles to find the words to explain. "You told me that you would have me without armor or not at all. I can't do that. I've tried, but I can't. It just keeps getting worse and worse and worse."

"You have to give it time," Inej says. "It won't get better all at once."

"No, you don't understand!" Kaz snaps, suddenly angry. He's on his feet and halfway across the room before he realizes he's decided to move. "You think I've never tried to get over this before? I've turned every other weakness I have into something useful; you think I didn't try to do the same with this? But it's never gotten better! It's never going to get better!" His face screws up into something that he at first thinks is a snarl, but his vision is blurring over, and his cheeks are wet and he realizes he's crying again.

Normally-though admittedly this situation would never happen normally-this would be when he drives Inej out of his rooms until he has better control of himself. However, today he's more afraid of her never coming back than he is of her seeing him disgusting and weak, so he doesn't say anything. He just staggers backwards until his back hits the wall and slides down to huddle in the corner, his knees drawn up and arms wrapped around himself.

He's vaguely aware of Inej gaping at him from the other side of the room. He can imagine her struggling to figure out how to comfort someone she can't touch. He almost expects her to just leave him to cry himself out, then the floorboards creak as she makes her careful way over to him. She sits down against the wall a handful of feet distant and holds the stuffed bear out to him. He takes it almost without thinking and buries his face in its soft fur.

For a while the only sound is his own soft sobs, then Inej says, so quietly he almost doesn't hear it, "I'm sorry, Kaz. I'm so, so sorry."

(29)

"Thank you for the bear," he says a long while later, awkwardly stroking the toy's soft ears in a sentimental way that would have humiliated him if he had any energy to spare. His eyes are puffy, his head aches and his nose is stuffed with snot. He's decided that he hates crying and wishes that he'd never regained the ability to do it.

"Have you ever had one?" Inej asks.

She speaks casually, but it's still a loaded question, one Kaz normally wouldn't answer. Perhaps it's his current emotional state, perhaps it's because he feels like he owes her for coming back, but today his response is a little different. "Yes," he says. "Not a store bought one, though; we were too poor for that. My mom made one for me out of old socks or something. I left it behind when Jordie and I came to Ketterdam."

There's a pause while Inej absorbs the information. "You weren't actually born in Ketterdam?" she finally asks.

He starts, realizing that he gave away more information than he intended. He almost snaps at her not to overstep her boundaries, but then sighs and shakes his head. "No."

He waits tensely for Inej to take advantage of him and to force him to talk about things that he doesn't want to, but she doesn't. She just sits quietly and looks at him with an expression of understanding. For a second, he's confused then he realizes that of course Inej understands why he lies about being from Ketterdam. She's from Ravka, she knows all too well the kind of pushback people who come to the Barrel from other places receive from people who were born there. Of course, she understands why it was conducive to Kaz's plans to pretend to be a Barrel rat, especially since no one would have been able to confirm his claims anyway.

A slight bit of the heaviness in his chest vanishes as it sinks in that Inej understands and that she's not going to use his weakness against him.

"Thank you for telling me that," Inej says, very calmly and very respectfully. As he looks at her he feels one corner of his mouth lift into a tiny smile, and Inej gives him a small smile in return.

(30)

"Thank you," he says, after a long but comfortable silence. "For coming back."

She looks at him, steadily and seriously. "I will always come back. Hunting slavers matters to me, but you do too. No matter where in the world I am, no matter what I'm doing, if you need me I will come," she says. "I promise."

He almost starts crying again but holds the tears back by sheer will. Hopefully his normal emotionless state will come back when all of this is over, this is just humiliating. "Thank you," he whispers.

"But you need to promise me something in return," Inej says, and Kaz looks away, of course she wants something; everyone always does.

"Kaz, look at me," Inej says. He lifts his head to make eye contact. She leans forward slightly, eyes dark and earnest. "Kaz, you need to promise that if you need me, you'll actually tell me. I can't read your mind, and I'll feel a million times better when I'm off on the high seas if I know that you'll actually write me and say, 'Inej, I need you to come home and be with me' instead of just letting yourself go under." she pauses for a moment to let her request sink in then says, "Can you do that for me?"

"I can," Kaz says. "I promise."

A look of relief crosses Inej's face. "Thank you," she breathes.

"I love you," the words are out of Kaz's mouth before he even considers saying them. He jerks back in surprise. Deep down inside, he has known that he is in love with her since he almost drowned during the Ice Court job, but he has never considered actually telling her.

Inej looks shocked, and Kaz tries to backpedal. "I-I didn't mean to-" he can't think. He doesn't know what to say. "I just-"

"Kaz," Inej cuts in. He stops and sucks in a shaky breath, staring at her. She reaches out and gently takes his gloved hands. She squeezes them hard, looks straight into his eyes and says, "I love you too."

(31)

Neither of them really says anything after that confession. They just sit quietly together holding hands for a long, long time. Eventually Kaz must doze off, because when he wakes up its dark. He's lying with his torso parallel to the wall, legs bent up towards his chest, and a blanket covering him. Inej is curled up on the floor as well with another blanket wrapped around her. In all their years of working together, this is the closest they have ever slept; she is close enough to touch.

One of Inej's hands pokes out from under her blanket. Kaz snakes one arm out from his blanket and stretches across the space between them. He touches her wrist with the very tips of his fingers just to prove that she is there and that he can touch her. He's not sure if she feels him, but she shifts slightly and sighs. He smiles, draws his hand back into his cocoon of blankets, then tucks his head down and goes back to sleep.

(32)

The next day, after they finally wake up in the late morning Inej forces him to wash and dress and eat something. Then they climb through the window of his room and travel a couple blocks by rooftop. Then they climb down and approach the Slat again on foot.

Everyone looks up when they step through the door. Anika sees him and practically melts into the floor with relief. "Boss," she says in a tone of voice that suggests that she might be attempting to conceal her emotion and just failing miserably. "Nice to see you again."

"Anika," Kaz says with a nod. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Espen attempting to hide behind Roeder and isn't even surprised that the kid's still around.

"Where've you been, Brekker?" Teapot asks stepping into Kaz's space in a way that is vaguely threatening. Kaz knows where this is going and the thought of exerting his dominance is exhausting.

Kaz shrugs and hopes he looks normal. "Around," he says. "I had something to take care of." Let them figure out what he means by that, because he definitely doesn't know.

"Really?" Teapot leans in even closer, until Kaz can smell his breath and his skin crawls like it's covered in live spiders. "And was it something that was at least a little helpful to this gang?"

Kaz feels Inej tense next to him. She can tell he's tired and is ready to deal with the situation for him. The thought is tempting, but he can't let her do it. It would only make things worse in the long run. He stops her with a barely perceptible gesture, then flicks a knife out of his sleeve and stabs it into Teapot's shoulder.

Teapot cries out in surprise, and Kaz twists the knife, driving Teapot to his knees. Kaz leans over the bigger boy, teeth bared. "I forgave you for that night with Per Haskell, Teapot," he snarls. "Don't make me rethink that." Teapot looks like he's going to wet himself.

Kaz holds him like that for another second or two then straightens up and yanks the knife out of Teapot's shoulder. Teapot crumbles to curl up in the fetal position on the floor. Kaz steps over him and heads for the downstairs office. Inej follows without a word.

Kaz gets to the door and pulls out his keys to unlock the door. His hands are steady and that shocks him because he feels like he should be shaking. He unlocks the door and pulls it open. The instant before he heads inside he glances back at the rest of the room, which is staring wide eyed. "Also, I know you're here, Espen," he says. "I'm not blind." Then he heads into the office.

(33)

Once the office door closes behind them, Kaz crosses the room in a couple strides and tosses the knife onto the desk, not caring if he gets blood on the couple inches of paperwork that cover it like snow drifts. He sinks into the big chair behind the desk and leans his head back. He closes his eyes and sighs.

"Are you okay?" Inej asks quietly.

He shrugs.

After a moment, Inej crosses the room on careful feet. He opens his eyes to watch her move some of the papers and hitch herself up onto the desk. She picks up the knife and begins to clean it, which is a bit unusual because she always makes him clean his own knives.

They sit in silence for several minutes, the someone knocks on the door. Kaz attempts to sit up straighter and look alert. "Come in," he calls.

Anika pushes the door open and steps inside. She closes the door tightly behind her before she says anything. "Can I talk to you for a moment, Boss?" she asks.

"Sure," Kaz says.

Anika's eyes cut to Inej. "Alone, please, Boss."

Inej tenses, her fingers tightening around the hilt of the knife.

"Okay," Kaz says and glances up at Inej. "I'll be fine."

"I'll be right outside if you need me," Inej says. She hops off the desk, hands him the knife and leaves the office.

Kaz watches her go then turns his attention to Anika. "Yes?" he asks.

"I just…" Anika looks like she has no idea what to say. "I wanted to make sure you were okay. You vanished pretty suddenly."

"I'm fine," Kaz says. He wants to sound angry, but he's pretty sure it just comes out as tired.

"Where were you?" Anika pushes.

"None of your business."

"I think it is," she says jutting out her chin. "I'm your most trusted lieutenant."

"And I'm perfectly capable of killing you and replacing you with someone else."

Anika sighs and looks away. "Okay, Boss. You don't trust me, I get it; but that's not something you need to be worried about."

"And why's that?" Kaz asks.

"I don't want to be general," Anika says in a rush, like this is something she's been waiting to get off her chest. "I have no aspirations for your job and I never will, but I will fight alongside you and kill anyone who tries to take the Dregs from you. You have my word."

Kaz can't completely keep from recoiling in surprise. He didn't expect that sentiment from anyone in the Dregs and didn't expect anyone to announce it either. "How do I know you're telling the truth and not just trying to get me to let my guard down?" he asks.

"I'm telling the truth," Anika says, which isn't really an answer. Her gaze is steady and earnest, though, and against his better judgement Kaz finds that he believes her. Perhaps he really is just desperate for someone other than Inej who isn't going to stab him in the back.

"Your feelings are noted," he says before he loses his precarious control of both the situation and himself. "Now get out."

The smile Anika gives him is actually fond and its terrifying. "As you wish, Boss."

(34)

He and Inej spend the rest of the day holed up in his office attempting to work through the vast stacks of paperwork he's been neglecting. Inej understands how to do a surprising amount of it even though he's never invested the time in teaching her. He supposes that being the captain of a pirate ship isn't all boarding ships on the high seas.

When the sun starts to go down, Inej decides that they're going to see Jesper and Wylan. Kaz tries to argue, but Inej refuses to be swayed. It shouldn't be possible to drag someone without touching them, but somehow, she manages it.

Its fully dark by the time they get to the Van Eck mansion. They go up to the front door and Inej rings the bell. It feels bizarre to be entering the house legitimately instead of sneaking in through a window.

Evidently, Inej didn't think to warn Jesper and Wylan that she was bringing the Bastard of the Barrel for a visit, because Jesper looks genuinely shocked when he opens the door. He looks Kaz up and down, and his face sours with worry. "You've lost weight," he says. "Have you been sick?"

"I'm fine," Kaz growls.

"You're sure? You look kind of-"

"Jesper," Inej says quellingly. Kaz glares at her; she doesn't need to fight his battles for him.

Jesper takes obvious note of the exchange. "Maybe you two should come in instead of standing there on the step," he says. "Strictly speaking, the neighbors don't know we're friends with members of Barrel gangs. Someone called the stadwatch on our party, thinking it was some kind of riot."

"Maybe it was a good thing I left then," Inej says with a small smile. Kaz realizes that she left the party to go looking for him when he was just hiding in his room being pathetic. The thought makes him feel uncharacteristically guilty.

(35)

They end up setting up shop in the parlor with tea and coffee. Wylan starts rambling about new explosives he's developing, which is shocking because Kaz had assumed that Wylan was done with breaking the law after the Ice Court job.

Eventually, Jesper and Inej get up and wander out of the room to see about getting some actual food. Kaz has mostly tuned Wylan out, so it takes him a moment to notice when the merchling stops talking.

"What?" he asks, raising an eyebrow.

"You're not okay," Wylan says. "Don't try to argue with me; it's obvious, and I think I might understand why."

"Why?" Kaz asks mostly to get the conversation over with.

"Jesper once told me that nothing stops you," Wylan said. "He said that if you need to do something you'll keep going until the job is done or you die, whichever happens first. He was right, wasn't he? And you don't deal with emotional stuff either, do you? Whenever something bothers you, you just keep going and pretending its not there until you can't anymore, and once that happens you don't know how to make it better."

He's surprisingly right and Kaz doesn't know how to respond.

Wylan takes a deep breath. "I'm not a hundred percent sure where I'm going with this, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that that's really not a good idea, and I think you know it. I think you know that things need to change, and I want you to know that Jesper and I are always here, and we'd like it if you stopped pretending we don't like you."

Normally Kaz would say something biting to maintain face, but tonight he just looks at Wylan for a minute, then says, "Thank you."

(36)

He and Wylan sit quietly for a minute, then Wylan says. "I'm glad you showed up here tonight, Kaz, I have something I've been wanting to ask you something."

"What do you need?" Kaz asks, and belatedly realizes that he sounds extremely unenthusiastic, he winces and tries to backpedal. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."

"You should never apologize," Wylan says. "It doesn't suit you."

Kaz snorts in spite of himself. "I'll keep that in mind," he says. "What did you want to ask?"

"Maybe I should wait until you're feeling better," Wylan says.

"I'm not sick," Kaz snaps before the merchling can get any ideas about thinking he's vulnerable, regardless of whether or not he actually is. "Ask."

Wylan frowns and for a second Kaz thinks he's not going to ask anyway, then he says, "I want to join the Dregs."

It takes a second for Kaz to comprehend what he's asking. "What?"

"I want to join the Dregs officially," Wylan says. "Tattoo and everything."

Kaz doesn't have a clue how to deal with this, this is something he's never considered before even in passing. "Have you talked to Jesper about this?" he asks because it's the only thing he can think of to say.

Wylan's face pinches. "This is about me and no one else."

Kaz sighs. "You know, that's not going to make the Dregs like you more," he says. "They're still going to see you as a mercher no matter what you do. Not to mention if the other merchers figure out about it, you'll never be able to do legitimate business again."

"If you don't want me to join up, Kaz, just say it," Wylan says tightly.

"I don't want you to join without knowing what you're getting into," Kaz says, a little unsure about why he's putting up a fight. Why does it matter if Wylan is deluding himself? Wouldn't it actually be better for Kaz if Wylan was a member of the Dregs? It would give him more leverage over him.

"I've thought about all that already," Wylan said. "I don't care. I already went to the Ice Court and back with you. I'm already tied to the Dregs, I just want it to be official."

Kaz studies Wylan while the merchling stares earnestly back at him. He realizes with some uncomfortable surprise that this is the same thing as Anika did this afternoon. This is Wylan declaring his solidarity, and Kaz isn't sure how to do deal with it.

He looks away and clears his throat. "Alright," he says. "If that's what you want. I'll find a tattoo artist we can trust to stay quiet—this is probably something that should stay on the downlow—and we'll get you sworn in."

(37)

Inej sticks close in the days and weeks that follow. She forces him to eat and change and helps him do his work. He soaks up her attention and he hates himself for it.

"I got Matthias killed," he says to Inej one day when they're in his office doing paperwork.

After years of this kind of arrangement, he knows that she's used to the way their conversation tends to fade in and out of existence in these moments, but obviously that wasn't something she was expecting him to say. She starts, nearly dropping her knife, and stares at him. "What do you mean?" she asks.

"I lead him to his death," Kaz says. It hurts to say it, but somehow it also feels good to get it off his chest. "I knew that the chances that nothing bad would happen to him, me or Kuwei during that auction scheme were astronomical, I should have made sure he was more aware of that."

There's a long pause while Inej thinks about what to say, then she takes a deep breath and says, "Perhaps you have a point, but Matthias got out of the church and to the hospital just fine. He only met the person who killed him after he went off alone and deviated from the plan. That's not your fault. Besides, he knew the risks of the scheme. We all did. None of us needed you to tell us that chances were we might not all make it out."

"He was still my responsibility," Kaz says. "You all were." That's something he would never say to anyone but Inej.

"That's the curse of being a leader," she says. He can tell that after her time as captain of The Wraith she knows exactly how he feels. "Sometimes bad things happen to the people you're in charge of, and you have to figure out how to live with it afterwards."

They sit in silence for a long, long time after that.

(38)

Several weeks late, the water laps up against the docks of Fifth Harbor and the moon shines down as Kaz and Inej walk along the docks on their way back to the Barrel after a night of spying. The scent of the harbor and ashes washes over them. Kaz tries to push away the memory of the Reaper's Barge, but Inej is humming softly her face lifted to the wind. She misses the sea.

"You know, you don't have to stay here with me," He forces the words out before he can think better of it. "I bought you that ship for a reason."

"I want to make sure you're okay," She says. "I won't abandon you again."

"By staying here with me you're abandoning a lot of slaves," Kaz points out.

"I don't want to leave unless I'm sure you're going to be here when you get back," Inej says.

At that moment, Kaz realizes just how worried she's been. The thought hurts because he never meant to burden her. "As long as I know you're going to be back, I'll be fine," he says.

Inej studies his face for a long moment. "What bothers me, Kaz, is that you didn't tell anyone that something was wrong," she says quietly. "Okay, so you were worried that I was angry at you, but it bothers me that when the thing you most desperately needed was not to be alone—don't argue with me, we both know that's true—that you still didn't seek anyone out."

Kaz isn't sure how to answer that.

"I know you don't trust anyone," Inej says, "but you can trust Jesper and Wylan. I think you know that."

"They're your friends and not mine," he says a little tightly.

"They're your friends too," Inej says sharply. "They will both bend over backwards for you. Jesper made me promise to make sure that you come back to visit. He's really worried about you."

"Inej-" he begins.

"Kaz," she stops him. "I'm not enough to just fix all your problems. You can't base your mental health on whether or not I'm around. You need to find a way to make sure that you'll be okay no matter where I am."

"Inej, I'm not trying to keep you here," Kaz says. "You can leave if you want."

"That's not what I'm talking about," Inej says. "I want to know that you'll be okay no matter what happens. I want you to promise that you'll hang out with Jesper and Wylan and I want you to promise that you'll be honest about how you feel. Can you promise me that?"

Kaz stares at her for a minute, then he nods, "I promise."

(39)

When she eventually does decide to leave again, she and Kaz spend a long, long time standing on the dock staring out at the water.

"Write me," Inej finally says. "And I don't just mean with information. Tell me what's going on, how you're feeling. If you ever end up with a letter like that one again, I want you to send it this time."

"If you'll do the same," Kaz says.

"I will," she says. "Also, tell me how Wylan's initiation goes. Has he told Jesper yet?"

"I have no idea," Kaz says. "But I have no intention of being anywhere in the vicinity when that conversation takes place."

They both laugh, then fade back into silence until one of Inej's crewmembers yells to her that they need to get going before the tides turn against them. She takes a deep breath and turns to him. "Are you going to be okay?" she asks for what has to be the hundredth time in the last few days.

"I'll be fine," Kaz says and he means it this time. "Go save your slaves, I'll be waiting right here when you get back."

"I will always come back," she promises.

"I know," he says. "I love you."

She takes his hands and squeezes hard. "I love you too." She doesn't try to kiss him, and that's okay; they don't need to do that right now. Maybe they will someday; but they know they love each other, they don't need to kiss to prove it.

(40)

When the moment is over, she lets go and leaves. Months later she comes back, and comes back again, and again, and again, and again, over and over throughout the years. She comes back in spite of storms, and slaver plots, and heists and gang wars, and in spite of those storms, and slaver plots, and heists and gang wars Kaz is always there waiting, because that is what they do.

They never stop fighting.

Well, there's the end of that. I hope the ending does the rest of the story justice, I was stressing about how to make this Kanej without falling into problematic mental health story stereotypes. Hopefully, I succeeded because I really don't want to be flamed.

This story might not have ended quite the way people wanted from a romantic standpoint, either. That's probably because I see the trajectory of Kaz and Inej's relationship post-CK differently than most people I see writing fanfics about them seem to. I might write a post for my Tumblr account about that, anyone interested if I do?

Anyway, thank you for sticking with my snail's pace update speed since last August. I might write more SoC in the future, we'll see what happens.

Thanks again!

Emjen