June 14th, 2017

I can't do this, I thought I could, I'm not even sure what I was thinking.

That I'd finish her story?

That I'd tell you how things ended?

Do they ever end?

Kelly had it right, there are no happy endings.

Maybe I thought I'd create a smoke screen to cover up the facts, in case someone connected the dots. That it was the least I could do, to look out for her family.

I thought if someone did the research, found the article about her death, they'd be more likely to write it off if they saw it was finished way after her death.

But here I am, screwing that up.

I really don't know why.

It was okay when I was just copy and pasting entries from my journal, from the time I was clueless.

Maybe it was like when Michele felt she could keep the archbishop's staff alive by not writing their fate, only in reverse.

Maybe part of me wanted to keep Michele alive a little longer. To hold on to my ignorance.

Michele's dead, she has been for nearly a month and I didn't realize.

I didn't notice.

But you knew.

Did you even care?

Did any of you shed tears? Or was her death just 15 minutes of entertainment.

Sure, I thought of her during that month, I missed her, I … well mostly I wanted her advice, her help.

That's how it worked wasn't it?

Crowley was right, what did I EVER do for her? Nothing!

I didn't even notice she was AWOL for a month.

What kind of friend does that make me?

I think of all the times she said I should read her story, and I wonder now if that was her cry for help?

A cry I ignored.

If I'd just gotten over myself and read her story, I could have helped her.

Why didn't I read her story?

Why didn't I see, why didn't I take her more seriously?

Why?!

If I'd paid attention when she told us about the blonde man, Crowley was holding prisoner, we wouldn't have been caught with our pants down.

I would have known about Crowley, and that he was threatening her, threatening her family, stalking her, using her as his own personal blood source to sate his addiction.

An addiction I created.

Crowley found out about Michele from the British men of Letters; I should have realised she was in danger. That it was just a matter of time.

I know now, New Zealand wasn't far enough away - and that's my fault. Our fault ... we didn't worry enough.

And Crowley, he wouldn't have lost control of Lucifer if he hadn't started drinking her blood.

Was that my fault too? Him wanting to one-up me, because he was jealous. His jealousy and his obsession with Dean (and Michele) were-are they really just …. Mine? I don't know.

There are so many things I don't know, things I don't understand even after reading her story.

Crowley sacrificed himself.

Lucifer didn't kill him; he chose to die...

Crowley chose to die because he saw a possibility of a future where we beat and kill Lucifer.

But he also saw a future where I said yes to Lucifer, where I let him in again, where Lucifer used me, to do awful things, to Michele and her family, to Crowley, to Jack… to the world.

And now Crowley's in heaven?

The way her story ended; it was disconcerting.

I'm not sure what to think.

It was almost like she was trying to scare Crowley in the end, or gloating about tricking him.

Was it Michele? Did I really know her? I'm never going to get those answers.

I need, I want some sort of closure. An apology from Chuck!

God I'm a hypocrite, Michele has been dead for over a month and I didn't even know.

Didn't think about how I hadn't heard from her, not really, didn't even really consider how sick she must have been, before… before Crowley healed her.
Crowley did more for her than I ever did.

I thought of asking her advice on how to deal with Jack, thought she was avoiding me over a kiss, because that's how it always was, wasn't it?

Her loss isn't my sole property, Crowley's right, I make everything about me, us, our dramas.

It was Dean who really woke me up to how we hadn't heard from her for to long.

He kept nagging me, and finally I figured I'd just phone her.

That if she was upset, I'd either brush it off or apologize, tell her it was nothing, that it meant nothing.

I had a whole speech worked out.

Then her husband answered the phone, he went quiet for a long time when I asked to speak to her, then apologized, for not contacting me, and said he was sorry to tell me, but… Michele was dead.

He said she'd been stabbed in what the police assumed was a home invasion.

Someone looking for drugs, that whoever did it, must have seen her at the cancer unit receiving treatment and assumed she had access to opioids or other drugs.

She didn't, and either the thieves didn't believe her, or she surprised them and they panicked.

The police had no leads.

Then I found the news article.

And it didn't seem right, the emergency call from someone with an English accent, and the stuff with her son, it couldn't have been that random.

So, I sacked up and decided to read her story.

The thing I hate.

So true, yet it's all any of us have left of her.

I thought about deleting it.

But in the end, I just couldn't, it might be a story about Dean and I … but mostly it's Michele. She deserves to have that story told.

She always said people should know the truth, thought keeping the supernatural a secret was foolish. That people should know what's out there in the dark.

I really want to track down that woman, Josephine MacGoff, and end her.

But I know Michele wouldn't want that. And I can't help wondering if she was trying to sow seeds of a better way, if she was trying to get the BMoL to consider scientific research… vaccination.

Of course she was, that's Michele through and through? Trying to save people her way.

Would it be possible to vaccinate someone against becoming a werewolf or a vampire? The whole country? Wouldn't that save more people than me or Dean ever have, or could.

Now they've been cured, are Claire and Dean immune? Are those things just diseases?

I'm just a hunter, so I don't know. I don't even know how you'd start trying to find out.

Dean … I don't know how I'm going to tell him Michele's dead too.

The two of them were closer than I knew, her death might push him over the edge. After Cas and Mom… and Crowley.

Part of me needs Dean to know that in the end Crowley chose to be a hero, that there's a potential for peace for him, or something else if he can't change.

Justice and Mercy.

To be honest I still don't know how to feel about how things went down with Crowley.

He's in Heaven, after everything he's done. He got Forgiveness and had his slate wiped clean, it seems too generous.

Does Chuck care? He lurks behind the scenes pulling strings, but won't tell any of us what to do, or help us out.

I can't help resenting that!

Did he think it was cute to add his little "message from your sponsor," like it was some advertising break?

I can imagine Michele smiling at me, saying, "you know nothing Jon Snow," if she heard me say any of this.

But she won't, will she? Because she's dead.

Her kids have to grow up without her because Chuck couldn't just deal with Lucifer or pick a side.

Fucking Lucifer!

When I think how she tried to warn us ... but we blew her off, and thought she knew nothing.

We were the ones who were wrong.

I've made so many fucking mistakes, and I'm SORRY.

But sorry doesn't cut it, not for her family... her husband... her kids. She loved them so much...

Loved us to I think, she said it often enough, even though we didn't deserve it.

Is she okay in heaven with Crowley?

Is Crowley?

Michele I finally read it.

I read every word of the story you wrote; I wish I'd done it sooner. I wish I'd known...

You were my friend. And I miss you! Not just because you gave us tomorrows news today. But because you were our light... and our friend... and you believed in us... right now I'm struggling to believe Michele. I'm so angry!

Your story ... it's still 'the thing I hate.' But I hate it most because it's not enough! Your story shouldn't have ended Michele. I wish you were ignorant and safe. I wish you were alive. But we Winchesters don't get our wishes, do we?

You people out there reading this, I need you to know, that Michele was a real person, real and heroic in her own way, though she never saw it.

She thought God made her write this fucking story for a reason.

For you.

Crowley wasn't her only lost sheep.

I guess she loved you. If anyone could love a bunch of strangers scattered all over the world it would be Michele. And she'd want you to know that. That there was blood and tears and pain in this story... but there was love there too. Truth and love.

That's the big reason I'm trying to finish her story.

I don't have her warmth or humor. I don't have her faith or hope... or her love.

And I'm not as acquainted with the truth as she'd have liked... So maybe it's a waste of time... but I'm trying.

Be worthy of that, and don't forget her.

It's one of my aims now.

To be worthy.

Being there for Jack has to be part of that.

- Sam Winchester