AN: Oh my god you guys are great. I should write more ridiculous self indulging nonsense. And I have! I think I'll probably involve a Denny's every other chapter, because it's just such a perfect epicenter of 'what the fuck'.

Basically the premise of this series is going to be the Young Justice team taking things that should really not be this complicated and turning it into this insane clusterfuck. Because they're talented like that. Superhero does not always translate into 'Functional human being'.

Also honestly, writing wise my favourites are Robin and Artemis, for making the best set ups and playing off each other, and Kaldur for playing a good straight man to everyone else's increasingly ridiculous nonsense. Basically, if we didn't have him here this wouldn't be half as funny. Love these nerds.

As for the no pairings thing, I might put in some ships. It would never go further than a background thing, but it would still be... a thing. Though mind you, you're all free to interpret the interactions however you want. Read whatever ships from this, all power to you.

The set up to this is that the team was told to vacuum the fuckin' cave.

In Which The Team Plots To Kill A Roomba, The Roomba Is An Oblivious Ball Of Robotic Sunshine, And Robin Should Probably Not Be Allowed On Social Media

"Guys, why did a giant hockey puck just try to kill me?" Conner asked, entering the living room with a concerned look.

Slowly, the team all turned their eyes towards the same place, staring expectantly.

"...Why are we looking at me." Robin demanded, raising an eyebrow.

"Who else would make a giant killer hockey puck?" Artemis pointed out, giving him a look. Robin held a poker face, before sighing in an overdramatic fashion.

"I can't believe you all think I would do something like that. I mean, you're right, but I don't appreciate being called out like that. And it's not a 'giant killer hockey puck' you heathens, it's a roomba that I've duct taped a knife to. His name is Stabby and he's part of the family. Say hello Stabby."

"Ow! Son of a bitch!" Wally yelped, jumping about a foot into the air, and scrambling onto the back of the sofa, clutching at his ankle, which was bleeding from a minor stab wound. On the floor, Stabby the knife roomba carried on his merry way, ignoring the way the team rapidly moved their ankles out of the way. Robin gave him an affectionate pat as it went by, rolling right on out of the room.

Robin smiled happily, ignoring the stunned silence. Or was it horrified? Either was possible. Maybe a mix? Interesting.

"Robin, how long have you been feeling the urge to engage in supervillainy?" Artemis demanded, giving him a serious, assessing look.

"Now see, if you followed my blog, you would have seen the series of posts I made during the time between 1 AM and 6 AM yesterday, which detailed me finding a post discussing knife roombas, deciding we needed one, going out and getting a roomba, and figuring out how to properly attach the knife onto Stabby. As well as selfies after. He's a good roomba. He stabs Wally so we don't have to."

"...I'm telling Batman."

"Too late, he already approved it. Says it raises vigilance or something. So, watch your ankles, cause anyone who fucks with Stabby gets the wrath of Batman. And worse, the wrath of me. I can do things with computers that will fuck you for life, don't test me."

"Alright then. Welcome… Stabby to the cave." Aqualad said, sighing in irritation.

Really, the shit he put up with.

For the next week or so, it was fairly common to have various members of the team suddenly burst out swearing and grab their lightly stabbed ankles. Stabby was proving to be a delight. Mostly for Robin, whose Bat training had given him the reflexes necessary to avoid it, and seemed to take an unholy glee in seeing the others fail to avoid it. Conner and M'gann were also seeing the humour in the situation, as Connor's invulnerable ankles were immune to the stabbing attempts, and M'gann quickly took to just floating a foot off the ground everywhere she went.

As for the other three, they were contemplating murder.

"I'm just saying. All you need to do is 'accidentally' throw a bit of water around, and boom. No more Stabby the Asshole."

"I'm not annoyed enough to come into conflict with Batman over this. If you want to get rid of it, have a convenient bad shot with an arrow." Kaldur said firmly, giving Artemis a stern look. She seemed unmoved.

"Well, all this 'accident' stuff is dumb. Just take a hammer to it. Or a screwdriver. It's not that complicated." Wally pointed out, eyebrow raised.

"My suggestion is don't plot treason in the living room. You fail at this forever." Robin said cheerfully, from his position of hanging upside down from the ceiling. The ensuing high pitched shriek was mostly Wally, although Artemis contributed somewhat.

"Anyways, we got a mission. To the bioship! And if you threaten Stabby again, I'll re-program the systems so that your names are changed. And they will be very humiliating names. I've spent a lot of time thinking of them, I'm just looking for an excuse to break them out now. Fair warning. Now let's go!"

And with that, the team rushed for the garage, getting into the bioship, and taking off.

Unfortunately, none of them had realised that a certain knife wielding roomba had been in the garage. And had wandered up into the bioship.

Really, for superheros they could be amazingly oblivious.

"We've gone wrong somewhere along the line here. Let's retrace our steps and see if we can figure out what the mistake was, gang. I'm going to guess that it started when Artemis came down with an unfortunate case of rock to the face." Robin deadpanned, leaning against the wall. Beside him, Artemis was clearly still feeling the aftereffects of rock to the face, considering the steadily darkening bruise on her left forehead, trickle of blood running down the side of her face from it, and the look she shot Robin for his bitching.

"Yeah, I took a rock to the face. After Kid Flash tripped me into the rock that hit me in the face."

"I tripped after slipping in mud. Mud made by somebody jumping into a giant puddle and sending it everywhere." Wally snarked, shooting the culprit a glare.

"The puddle was only there because Aqualad dropped water there right before I landed." Conner snapped, clearly feeling moody.

"I dropped the water because Miss Martian startled me by hurling a rock right in front of me." Kaldur muttered, head tilted back and eyes closed.

"And the rock landed in the perfect place for Artemis to smack her face on it. Good job team, chain reaction of disaster. I love you guys, you're like my family." Robin snarked, mouth set in a tight line that tended to mean he was irritated, but concealing it for the time being.

M'gann did not join in on the snark fest, as she was busy with the very important task of being unconscious. Meaning the team had to try and figure out the delicate art of communicating out loud, while understanding each other and not being noticed by the men guarding them at gunpoint. It was probably in their best interests not to startle the people who could and would shoot them.

Judging by their reactions to the casual bitching about the fight, they weren't going to try and crack down on talking. Which was a good sign, because the team was really good at casual bitching. It was their primary method of communication in normal situations. And it was distracting enough to outsiders that Robin had felt comfortable establishing a rough code around it, easy enough for everyone to remember and communicate with.

"So, I'm comfortable with blaming Artemis for this if you all are. I mean, she's normally the clumsy one, this shit would have happened anyways. Like, y'know that time she got a goddamn arrow tangled in her ponytail? How do you do that? See, she's turning red, she knows she's to blame for this. Remember how long it took to get the arrow out?" Robin said, shooting Artemis a glare, and adding a sarcastic bite to his tone. This was, of course, complete bullshit, as Artemis had never gotten an arrow stuck in her ponytail, and was certainly not to blame for their situation. Instead, what the words roughly translated to was Did anyone remember to contact Red Arrow for backup?

"Of course we do, we're not goddamn idiots." Wally said with a scoff.

Of course we didn't, we're goddamn idiots.

"I think at this exact moment, I suddenly realise that I hate every single one of you. Especially Miss Martian, for getting her dumb ass knocked out. Am I allowed to quit the team?" Robin asked, looking like he was seriously considering killing them all.

If someone protects M'gann, I can slip away at the first distraction.

"Don't talk about her like that!" Conner snapped, giving Robin a furious glare, and pulling the unconscious Martian girl towards him.

I'll take care of her.

"Stop this. In-fighting won't solve anything." Kaldur said, giving them all stern looks.

Everyone get ready. I'll create a distraction for Robin to move.

Before the plan could be put into effect, one of the gunmen suddenly dropped to the ground with a scream, leg crumpling under him.

"What the fuck?" Artemis blurted out. This was not part of the code. This was just confusion. Behind her, Robin had taken advantage of the guards distraction, and vanished, probably into the ceiling, which was enough for Conner to grab M'gann, and move out of the way.

Another guard went down screaming, grabbing at his leg. Artemis decided not to look the gift horse in the mouth, and jumped at another distracted guard. Or, more specifically jumped on him, as she had used the cover of the bitching to work a spare bowstring out of her shoe, and was now using it as a very effective garrotte. Aqualad seemed to be following suit, moving in with his fists, while Wally zipped around them, snatching away guns. From his vantage point of god knows where, Robin covered them with the occasional birdarang, keeping the trio from being overwhelmed, and making sure the goons stayed away from Connor and M'gann.

As incredibly cheesy as the thought was, teamwork was fucking awesome.

And the entire time they fought, the occasional foe would drop to the ground, screaming in pain from some kind of lower leg injury. Which was… disturbing, but the cause seemed to be avoiding the heroes. Close enough to an ally for them.

Finally, they ran out of goons.

"So, what the fuck was with all the collapsing?" Artemis asked, looking around suspiciously at the ground. This was a common habit for her lately, mostly due to Stabby's presence in the cave.

Wait.

"Oh my god." Artemis said in a strangled voice, a slightly hysterical tone underlying it.

"Seriously? Just, really?" Kaldur asked nobody, wondering how his life had reached the scenario he was in.

"Stabby! Baby! You came to save us!" Robin cried out gleefully, jumping down from the ceiling to land near said knife wielding Roomba.

"Ow! Fuck, my ankle!" Wally yelled, as Stabby served his purpose and gave the speedster a mild puncture wound to the ankle.

"What happened? …Why is Stabby here?" M'gann asked, now awake, and walking over with Conner's support.

"Fuck this, let's talk on the way back. Mission accomplished, and my life is officially a dumpster fire. Robin, grab your toy, let's go." Artemis snapped, before stalking off in the direction of the bioship.

"How dare you. Stabby isn't a toy, he's my son." Robin hissed in outrage, although he still picked up the Roomba and followed the rest of the team towards the bioship.

"Okay, so Stabby stowed away with us. Fine. Terrifying, but fine. The part I don't understand is, he only ever gives us gentle stab wounds, if those words can be put together in any sane context. The grunts back there dropped like rocks. How does that make sense?" Wally demanded, gesturing to the Roomba in question. Said Roomba was seated firmly on Robin's lap, knife carefully pointed outwards, and was letting out the occasional happy whirr.

"Yes, about that. See, this is another conversation we wouldn't need to have if you followed my blog, because I've got another series of posts realising that Stabby loved us with all his little mechanical heart, and I needed to give him the means to express that. Said means being some upgrades that may or may not have been taken a little too far. So while Stabby will only give us light, affectionate stabbings, he may or may not attack our enemies with deep, serious stabbings. Also, I think I might have accidentally made an AI."

There was a long, stunned pause in the bioship. Five members of the team stared at Robin in varying levels of shock and horror. Robin shrugged, and returned to petting Stabby.

"You gave. Our knife wielding floor robot. An artificial intelligence." Kaldur finally forced out, clearly in shock on some level.

"I mean, it's not a very smart AI, no offense Stabby. I'm no Tony Stark, I can't do anything JARVIS level or whatever. Also, that's fictional and probably impossible. Nah, intelligence speaking, Stabby's like… a very enthusiastic dog. Or a slightly dumb cat that is otherwise very sweet. Either way, he followed us out here, and seemed to object to us being threatened. So… Stabby attacked the people threatening us. Good boy."

"I… I have no words." Artemis said, making a helpless sort of gesture.

"Wait, so he saved us on the mission?" Conner said, gesturing at Stabby to confirm what he was talking about. Robin gave double thumbs up, and quickly resumed holding Stabby, who had immediately tried to give Robin some affection wounds.

"Well, the last time we were rescued by a third party, it was Artemis. And we let her on the team. I vote Stabby joins the team." Conner said firmly. While his tone was completely serious, there was a faint glint of humour in his eyes, making it clear that he knew exactly how much he was fucking with half of the team.

"Seconded!" Robin blurted out almost immediately, a wide grin on his face.

"No. No, no, emphatically no, fuck no." Artemis said, pounding the armrest of her chair with a fist to emphasize the point.

M'gann gave a small frown at Artemis hitting her ship, before giving a small, deceptively sweet smile.

"I agree with Conner. Stabby might have saved our lives today. He deserves to be part of the team."

"He's a fucking Roomba! One that likes stabbing us!" Wally wailed, giving them a disbelieving look. "He is not on this team!"

All heads turned towards Kaldur. He gave a very long sigh, and rested the back of his head on his chair.

"This is the most ridiculous argument I have ever been a part of. I refuse to get involved. I'm staying neutral."

"HAH! WE'VE GOT MAJORITY, STABBY'S ON THE TEAM!" Robin yelled, punching the air, and reaching out for high fives from Conner and Megan. "I'm putting this on my blog!"

"I'm putting this in my obituary. As the reason I threw myself off a roof." Artemis muttered darkly. She was probably joking. Hopefully.

AN: So yeah, Stabby is basically the teams cat whose really sweet, but is also a dumbass that tends to cause a lot of accidental damage. In this case, it's light stabs to the ankle. But he would absolutely die for the team in a heartbeat. Or kill for them. Or just stab some ankles really hard. He'll figure it out along the way. He's not going to accompany them on a lot of missions, he's just going to be Robin's weird knife robot that wanders around the cave. Intruders beware. It's convenient, having a knife wielding Roomba. He'll stab you and clean up the blood. The cave has never been so clean.

Conner likes Stabby, because Stabby's a lot cuter when you're invulnerable and can't be stabbed. M'gann likes Stabby because she does a lot of floating anyways, so really what's a bit more. Also, Artemis hit her ship, and she was mildly annoyed at that, and voting Stabby in was a quick payback that she was thinking of doing anyways. Robin likes Stabby because Robin is Robin.

Artemis isn't a fan of Stabby just on principle, even though she can avoid him 90% of the time. Wally hates Stabby, because Wally's not one for concentrating, and that makes him really easy to sneak up on and stab. Lucky he heals fast, so the stab wounds last for like, ten minutes. At most. Stabby's affection wounds are really light. And Kaldur doesn't give a shit because he can also avoid Stabby most of the time, considers the light stabs to be a good reminder to pay attention, and doesn't want to deal with the inevitable shitstorm that would go down if anything happened to Stabby.

Anyways, please share your feelings on Stabby, as it will affect how much he'll show up in the future. Like, I'm prepared to cut him down to the occasional cameo if he's ehh, but I could also have him be a recurring character, and maybe even do a chapter from inside his violent little mind. We'll see, I guess.