Chapter 10

"Morning, Dix!"

Dixie McCall looked up from her coffee cup to see John Gage poking his head into the lounge.

"Mind if I bum a cup of coffee before heading up to see Roy?"

Dixie motioned Johnny in. "Just made a fresh pot so help yourself. "

While Johnny poured his cup, Dixie took in his appearance. Wearing his jeans and a button down shirt, hair still damp from a shower, Johnny would pass for a well-rested man to anyone else. Dixie however caught the shadow of a sleepless night in his eyes and saw that the usual energy in the young paramedic was gone.

Johnny took his now-filled cup and joined Dixie at the table. As he sipped the hot liquid he saw Dixie watching him. "Now, Dix, I'm fine. I couldn't sleep much last night. Just thinking about Roy, you know. I think I finally got to sleep about 1:00."

Dixie took a sip of her own coffee. "Well, from what I hear from the night shift, Roy did get a little sleep finally. Joe gave them permission to spread the neuro checks out a little. Ellen Lewis seemed to think the flashbacks were easing off some."

Johnny's eyebrows shot up at the name of the nurse.

Dixie shook her finger at Johnny. "I happen to know Nurse Lewis is happily married John Gage."

Johnny managed to put on his best impression of being hurt. "Dix! That's not what I was thinking. I know Ellen's married. I hear she's one of the best and I'm glad she took care of Roy. That's all!"

Dixie winked and went on to tell him that while Roy managed to get some rest, the attacks started up again around six that morning. She assured Johnny that it would get better. "If the concussion symptoms are clearing up, Joe can up the pain medication today and get that manageable, then Roy should get some good solid rest."

Dixie took another sip of her coffee. "How about you? Any nightmares?"

Johnny rubbed at a spot on the table with his index finger. "I wouldn't call them nightmares, Dixie. At least not the kind that Roy is having. Only woke me up once." He hung his head and stared into his coffee. "I do remember the dreams were about the accident. They were scary but they were weird too."

"Dreams often are, Johnny."

Johnny took another swig of coffee before placing the cup on the table. He folded his arms and pursed his lips. "You know, when it happened yesterday, I was convinced Roy was dead. That was the real nightmare. We had just lost our fire victim, Jake Wilson. But in my dreams, I kept getting them mixed up. Roy and Jake, I mean. First it was Roy trapped in that bedroom under a beam and it was Jake under the car. And then, it was Dr. Brackett under the car with Roy."

Johnny stopped and looked down into the bottom of the empty coffee cup, as if the answer he was searching for was there in the dregs. Dixie waited patiently for him to continue.

"I finally got up about 5 a.m. Something was bugging me, I mean more than the fact that I had almost lost my partner. It was that stupid helmet of Roy's. I tried to think through what must have happened. You know, Roy sliding under that car just right. Him having the idea to place it on top of his chest like that. The reason he'd stopped breathing was that helmet was pushing down on him from the weight of the car. Everything had aligned up perfectly. That helmet was the only thing between him and 2 tons of steel."

Johnny got up to refill their cups. Placing them down on the table, he sat down again leaning into Dixie so he could look her in the eye. "Am I crazy, or does that just seem impossible, Dix? That Roy survived? Because of a silly old standard issue fireman's helmet?"

So that's what had been on John Gage's mind, Dixie thought to herself. That explained the look on his face the day before. Johnny was trying to process the impossible.

"Aw, Dix. You think I'm crazy for thinking about this, right? I mean, that's what kept me up all night. Thinking about why….or how…"

Dixie reached out a hand and placed it on Johnny's restless one. "I don't think you're crazy at all, John Gage. You're a problem-solver. Something inside of you wants to know how Roy survived yesterday morning."

Johnny nodded his head but Dixie could tell a deeper question was there, just under the surface.

"And you also want to know why Jake didn't survive."

Johnny nodded again. "Yeah."

Dixie placed her cup gently on the table. She knew she didn't have the answers to the questions Johnny was asking. It was times like these she didn't quite know what to say. But she knew he needed to hear something. Maybe they both did. "Johnny, I've learned over the years from working in this hospital that sometimes things can't be explained. I don't know if I believe in God or angels or spirits, but I do know, that sometimes…well, maybe someone else is in charge."

Johnny shook his head. "So, what? You're saying somebody decided that Roy's life was worth saving? But what about Jake's life? Weren't both of them worth saving?"

"Johnny, all I know is if you need an explanation on how that helmet saved your partner's life, I don't think you are going to get it. Not from logic or going over what happened a dozen times in your head. Does he have a guardian angel and Jake Wilson did not? I have no idea. Some things we just have to let go."

Johnny's chair scraped across the floor as he stood to go. He stuffed his hands in his pockets as he said, "You know Dix, I go through this every time we lose somebody on the job. The County trains us to do our best, Rampart certifies us as paramedics so we can maybe save lives between somewhere out there and this hospital. And I still have a hard time letting go when someone dies." He picked up their cups and put them in the sink.

Dixie walked over, slipped her arm into Johnny's and started leading the way to the door. "So all this distress you're having is more about the loss of a fire victim rather than the close call with Roy?"

Johnny shrugged. "I guess a little bit of both."

"Well, I know it's tough. But Johnny when you stop hurting over the loss of a victim, that will be the day you and I both need to retire from this line of work. Now, let's go see that partner of yours."

E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!E!

As Dixie and Johnny headed to the elevator, they were joined by Dr. Joe Early who was on his way back to Roy's room.

"Well, Doc?" Johnny asked as he pushed the button for the third floor.

"Joann just left. I told her Roy would need to stay another couple of days. As I'm sure Dixie told you, last night was pretty rough. He still has some issues with the concussion so we're going to do another set of x-rays, just to be sure we didn't miss anything. If those come out okay, then I'm going to be a little more aggressive with the pain medication. I think he's on a cycle that won't break until he gets some rest."

Johnny frowned as they stepped off the elevator. "Doc, do you think it's okay if I see him? Maybe he just needs…"

Dr. Early reached out putting a hand on Johnny's shoulder. "Johnny, I'm hoping you can get Roy to talk about the accident. I think he'll feel better. I don't think he's in such bad shape that we need a psychological evaluation. He just needs to let go of what he's holding onto. Mostly the fear. Once he can let that go, maybe we'll see the panic attacks lessen."

Johnny nodded, relieved he might be able to do something for Roy. "I'll do what I can, Doc."

When the three entered Roy's room Johnny was a little surprised at Roy's appearance. He had expected Roy to look a little rough around the edges but wasn't prepared for the paleness or the deep circles under the eyes. While Dixie rearranged Roy's pillows, Johnny pulled up a chair listening to the instructions from Dr. Early. The doctor wanted to see some improvement in Roy's appetite and his sleep patterns. At that moment, Johnny became determined to do what he could to help his partner get home. After Dixie and Joe left, Johnny pretended to be reading one of Joann's magazines.

"What are you doing?" Roy asked. Johnny was glad to hear a little bit of annoyance in Roy's tone. At least he sounded like his old self.

"I was just checking the recipes here. Hey, this one sounds good. 'Tuna and Chicken Divan Casserole'."

Roy smirked at Johnny's pronunciation of Divan and tried to relax. He was so tired. His ribs were burning and his head was pounding. At least the cannula with its constant hiss of oxygen had been removed. He was still very aware of the helmet-shaped bruise on his torso, but Dixie's trick with the pillow seemed to help.

"Hey, what'd you do with my helmet?" he asked.

"Huh? Oh yeah. It's at my place. I thought I'd hang on to it in case you wanted it and I didn't want to leave it here for Joann to find."

Quiet settled in the room as Johnny continued to feign interest in Good Housekeeping. He stole glances at Roy every now and then, hoping for an opportunity to get Roy talking. He didn't have to wait long.

"Have you ever had this happen to you?"

"What's that? Had what happen?"

Roy rolled his eyes. Sometimes, his partner could be so obtuse. Trouble was, Roy wasn't sure if this was one of those times when Johnny was being deliberately annoying or if he really didn't know what he was talking about.

"Reacting this way to getting into trouble. You know, with the panic attacks."

Johnny put down the magazine. He hadn't expected to meet Dr. Early's request quite this quickly but was thankful that Roy seemed ready to talk.

"You remember that time, the building blew up from the gas leak and I was still in it? Messed up my leg pretty bad."

Roy nodded. He and Chet had just left the building, carrying out the old woman who was bedridden. As soon as the explosion hit, Roy and Chet went scrambling back in to find Johnny at the bottom of the stairs. With the risk of fire or another explosion, they did a grab and go with Johnny, hoping his injuries weren't life-threatening.

"Well, I kinda had nightmares from that. I'd wake up screaming here in the hospital. Scared the nurses pretty bad. Half of it was because I kept jarring my leg and the pain would wake me up. I was replaying over and over again that fall down the stairs. I kept trying to grab onto something. Heard the explosion in my head even louder than it actually was."

The room got quiet again and Johnny went back to his pretense of reading. A nurse's aide came in and took away the breakfast tray. A few minutes later, a nurse came in for a vitals check and a blood draw. Johnny noticed Roy's listlessness when the needle hit the vein. Not even a grimace. The nurse said she would be back to get him in 30 minutes to take him down to the lab for the new round of x-rays.

When the door closed behind the nurse, Roy tried to sit up more. Johnny jumped up, adjusted the bed, asking Roy if he needed anything else. Roy nodded while he picked at the blanket. "I need to talk, I guess. That's what Dr. Early wants me to do, anyway."

Johnny sat back down, focusing his attention on Roy. He watched as Roy tried to figure out where to begin. Sometimes, after a big fire or an unusual rescue, the men of A Shift would find themselves chatting over a meal about the run. Each man shared from his point of view and received the reassurance that each had done their job to the best of their ability. It sometimes led to great story-making but it was also a release valve to relieve the tension, answer questions and put to bed the "what ifs."

"Just start from the beginning, Roy. Like from where you left the scene in the ambulance," Johnny prompted.

Roy sighed. "Yeah, when I left with Jake Wilson." He stopped picking at the blanket and hugged the pillow a little bit tighter. With another deeper sigh, he started. "Well, I got to Rampart and we took the patient into treatment room 3…" Slowly, Roy related the events of the previous morning. Johnny listened, interrupting once or twice to ask a question, and kept an eye on Roy's reaction to reliving the incident. When he got to the part where he was at the drinking fountain, Johnny noticed that Roy became more animated. From the point where he greeted Dr. Brackett to the point where he awoke staring up at the doctor's face in the exam room, the story telling had picked up in pace. "Johnny, I didn't have time to be scared. I was just acting on instinct from pushing Dr. Brackett to hugging my helmet to sliding down to the floor."

Roy stopped and Johnny thought for a moment he was done talking. Just as he was about to ask a question, Roy spoke again. Johnny had to lean in to hear what he said, Roy's voice was down to a whisper.

"So why am I scared now? I'm alive. Dr. Brackett is alive. Those stupid kids are alive. We all escaped fairly unharmed. What the hell is wrong with me?"

Johnny thought back to his days after the gas explosion, lying in bed with his leg up in traction, wondering if he'd be able to work again.

"Maybe you're afraid now, because you know that you should have died. Logically speaking, that is. But you didn't. No one died. Your brain is imagining what could have been."

Roy laid back again and stared up at the ceiling. His partner had nailed it. What could have been. Every time he shut his eyes the monstrous car would barrel towards him, suffocating the life out of him, because he knew that's what should have happened. Logically speaking.

Roy heaved another heavy sigh, just slightly aware of the pain that caused. He realized that he felt better. He was amazed how easy it was to talk to Johnny. But he shouldn't have been surprised. Out of all the people he could talk to, it would be Johnny. His partner understood the dangers, the risks and the emotions that went with them.

"Roy, I have to be honest with you. I, uh, well…I almost passed out…afterwards. Twice, I thought you were dead. And then, when I realized you weren't, well…it all sunk in too fast. Doc Early said it had to do with not eating and being dehydrated from the fire. Well, anyway, I felt pretty stupid. It was like I was weak or something. Here you were, almost crushed to death, and I got a little light-headed and almost fainted."

Roy waited for his partner to continue.

"Well, what I'm trying to say is…Roy, you don't have to feel stupid…you know what I mean?"

There was that too. Roy was beating himself up for having the panic attacks because they made him feel stupid. The LA County Fire Department trained its firefighters so they wouldn't have to think about the dangers they faced but respond to them. Training didn't prepare them for everything but the worse situations were met with steadiness, not panic. Firefighters didn't panic. And yet, Roy knew he was in full panic mode even after the fact. And that was stupid.

"Roy, someone once told me that feelings are just feelings. They're not stupid or bad or worthless, they just are. It's okay to feel scared. No one's going to judge you." Johnny took on his familiar pose of hand splayed against his chest. "I'm certainly not going to judge you."

Roy smiled. He could always count on his partner to make him feel better. Well, almost always.

"Thanks, Johnny. I feel a lot better."

Johnny shrugged his shoulder and flipped a page in the magazine. "What are partners for, right?"

Roy laid back while Johnny started relating his conversation with Dixie about the helmet. He chuckled at Johnny's exaggerated description of a guardian angel soaring in at just the right moment to save Roy but not the helmet. Before he knew it his eyes had closed and the sound of Johnny's voice faded to a murmur. Instead of a racing station wagon and the screech of tires, Roy fell asleep to the peaceful sound of his partner's chatter and the vision of going home to his wife and kids.

The End.

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Sorry for such a long chapter! Thank you for all who took the time to review and for all who read the story.