First Words:

I finally did it, I did it! I wrote a Durarara! fic, with Izaya! You cannot imagine how much I've wanted to write one! And it happens to be a very silly story... since 'crack' has a very ambiguous definition, I'll refrain from describing it with that word, but this story is definitely random and super silly: to match that, I used a slightly different writing style, which sounds stupidly silly yet professional at the same (because screw contractions in narration, right? right...?) to purposefully make a contrast. Other people could've written this story and make it way shorter, but that was impossible for me: writing the awesomeness that is Izaya automatically makes me write more and more and more... I can't help it, he's my favorite character! Also, rejoice: there is 0 Shizaya here! Oh, and no Shizuo-bashing was intended with this story, seriously: I love Shizuo too, it's just that Izaya... doesn't. Anyway:

"..." = Dialogue

'...' = Quotation marks

Itallics = Thoughts, emphasis

Bold = Intensity, loudness

Bold and Itallics = Even more intensity and loudness

. . . = Pause

Enjoy! (do enjoy the irony of this title as well ^^)

For His Beloved Humanity

On a certain day of Izaya's life, one of those rare days where he had nothing to do, he looked through the wide window of his luxurious apartment (one anyone would envy when passing by it), and thought:

Ah, I love humans...

Indeed, Izaya was bored: there was no work, no one in particular to pester, no one in the chat (he had already checked, twice)... So, he was merely watching people pass by, wondering just what they were up to as they crossed the fairly ordinary streets of Shinjuku.

That girl in a school uniform, for example, was obviously on her way to school: it was morning, after all. However, she was running late, Izaya noted, which was evidenced by her fast pace and agitated expression. Why had she been late? Overslept? Had an argument with her family, perhaps? The possibilities were endless. If anything, she might not even be heading to school at all.

He would've mused more on her, but she was already out of his line of sight. Then, he focused on a mother and his son, seemingly too young to even have school: they seemed to be happily strolling along, so surely they were heading for a rather pleasant destination. Izaya knew none of them were faking those smiles, of course; he was better than that. However, where exactly were they going in the first place? And, if suddenly something swooped down upon them, threatening to attack them, how would they look like?

In despair, he figured; that contrast would be fun to watch. After they were gone, he focused on a middle-aged man, walking by with an apathetic expression on his face: oh, he was one of the harder humans to crack, but that made it even better. By his sloppily put together clothes, it was hard to believe he was heading to work, or at least to work in a big company: a salary man he was definitely not. If he was not just a naturally careless individual, he had probably thrown that together because he was off to do some sort of quick errand; it would also explain why he was seemingly bored. Even so, Izaya could not guarantee those chances... which was why that man was so interesting!

Yes, he just loved humans, in any shape or form, in any emotion or state! Izaya raised an eyebrow curiously as he watched the man stop in his tracks, only to turn to his apartment building. Had that been his destination? Perhaps he was going to visit a good friend of his that lived there? If so, he hardly looked presentable: people with enough money to own one of those apartments were not even close to normal working class; those sorts of people usually cared about appearances. Maybe they were that close?

However, to pique his interest further, the man was looking straight at him, clearly disturbed. Looks like I've been spotted, he thought, still smiling contently. Being spotted was great! Seeing a man pointing binoculars at you made for great reactions! With that in mind, Izaya put down his binoculars and gave the man a cheerful smile, waving at him. The man's frown contorted to a grimace after seeing that, making him walk away at a fast pace.

... Izaya laughed. Oh, the things he would do when he was bored: at least he had humans around to keep him mildly entertained; without them, he would have surely died from boredom... or in general (he would not have been born otherwise, and that would have surely been a shame). "Great, you're being creepy this early in the morning," Namie remarked, making him turn to her with his spinning chair.

While not as intensely as humans, he definitely loved spinning chairs: they would give him a sort of freedom he could not find with other chairs, possibly because other chairs could not spin. They were confining things, those normal chairs! And he was not a lover of all chairs like he was a lover of all humans: he could pick favorites when it came to his chairs. Whatever the case, Namie was organizing files with a bored expression, not even sparing a glance at Izaya: just being her usual, disgustingly-infatuated-with-her-younger-brother self, Izaya noted.

Even if she did not seem like it, Izaya could tell she was thinking of how much better it would be if she were with her brother instead of him; she was that obvious. "Just got a little bored, that's all," he said with a carefree tone and smile, "Nothing special has been happening in Ikebukuro too; quite disappointing, really."

Seriously, there was a high school boy who happened to be the leader of an infamous gang known for having no rules, his friend who was formerly the leader of another infamous gang... oh wait, he had left Ikebukuro with his girlfriend. In fact, Izaya even gave them a present in advance (for their future wedding, what else?). He could only imagine the dark look on Masaomi's face, and it was priceless... Either way, he was gone from Ikebukuro, but there was still Mikado's well-endowed friend with the cursed sword.

If that was not an interesting line-up of people that could cause various incidents, he did not know what one was. Then, why were they not doing anything? Meh, they probably just needed some time, Izaya reasoned. Besides, they were not the only interesting people in Ikebukuro; far from it. "Hmph, it's only disappointing for you since you're a sick bastard," she merely responded, wondering why the hell Izaya would not organize his own damned files.

... He would definitely do it on purpose so she would have to bother doing it. Damn, how that guy would piss her off... "Look who's talking," Izaya countered with a smirk, "You're even worse than I am. At least I'm not thinking about how much I want to stalk my brother, who happens to like another girl by the way, because I harbor romantic feelings for him; now that's disgusting."

"He's just being misled!" she raised her voice, shooting an annoyed glare at Izaya, "You wouldn't understand." The fact that she was arguing about him liking another girl rather than her incestuous love for her brother was already something Izaya found disgusting; not even worth laughing at (snickering was totally fine though).

Izaya shrugged. "I sure wouldn't; still don't, in fact." As far as he was concerned, his sisters were far from humans he enjoyed being with, and that was a rare sentiment coming from Izaya. "But, putting that aside, aren't humans just great? I couldn't help but think that after watching them pass by the streets: even when they're passing by the streets, they're great. Humans are the best, I love them! Even when they're at peace, in danger, everything! Ah, don't you think they should love me back, Namie-san? I mean, I love them this much: surely they can do the same for me."

"... And then I'm the disgusting one," Namie muttered, having already heard that speech from Izaya approximately a trillion times before... it still creeped her out. However, after a while, those sorts of feelings had become second nature to her, probably because she had to be with someone like Izaya for so long.

She wondered where Seiji was: skipping classes, maybe? "You know, isn't it unfair that most humans I meet tend to resent me? At least, excluding cultist girls," he said, promptly ignoring Namie: he had also heard such a comment from her approximately a trillion times, after all.

"Isn't it obvious why?" Namie asked dryly, not wanting an answer from him. Izaya was aware of why his humans hated him most of the time: he did make it one of his hobbies to stalk them and/or screw them over almost 24/7 (when he was not chatting or selling information, causing more people to screw themselves over indirectly), after all.

Izaya ignored her again, and said, "So, now I'm wondering how they would start loving me back: what do you think I should do, Namie-san?" Because, surely, Namie was the best person to ask that.

... Actually, Izaya knew better, but he thought it would at least be interesting to hear what she would have to say. "Personally, I think everyone would be really happy if you dropped dead," she responded, hoping that would make Izaya shut up, though she also knew better.

Izaya could never shut up... unless he wanted to, of course. "How uncreative, Namie-san," he remarked, still carefree despite all the insults; there was no way he would be fazed by Namie of all people. "Besides, that won't make any humans love me: if anything, it only asserts how much they resent me. And," he added, "while seeing their angered expressions would also be great, I don't really want to be hated."

He let himself lay back on his comfortable spinning chair, his hands resting on the back of his head as he seemed somewhat pensive, though still smiling. "Of course, for humans to like me, the easiest thing to do would be showing kindness or doing something beneficial to them, but isn't that a little too mundane? If it's for what I love the most, I'd like to make things... special." Namie had a bad feeling about the way he was saying that. "For example, wouldn't you think the same way for your brother? You'd want to do something special for him, right?"

He was even dragging her brother along the conversation: Namie glanced at him in a suspecting manner, positive that he was up to something. "And...?"

"And something special would definitely be something with a bang...!" He lifted one arm and made a gun shape with his finger, as if to coordinate it with his sound effect. "Don't you think so?" he asked, gazing at Namie expectantly with a smile.

Namie only returned that gaze with a blank look, directed towards the files instead of at him. "Just get to the point, Izaya."

"Well, if you insist," Izaya said with a shrug: he had planned on getting to the point after that anyway; Namie just did not know that. "So, what appears with a bang, is a special existence to humans yet is a human himself, is loved by them greatly and loves them back all at the same time?"

Namie sighed. "That's not getting to the point."

"Super heroes, of course!" Izaya answered, grinning cheerfully as he willfully ignored Namie yet again, speaking as if she were actually interested in what he had to say.

He knew she was not, but he did not really care either: besides, it was fun pissing someone like her off; she deserved it, in his mind. "Super... heroes?" Namie scoffed, "What, are you saying you'll become a super hero or something? Don't make me laugh."

"Oh, but that's exactly what I'm implying, Namie-san." The scary glint in his eyes and smirk only emphasized how much he was not joking, so Namie was starting to feel Izaya had truly lost it... or, at least, the last few screws he had on his head (he did not have many in the first place, she had deducted).

Namie turned to him with a blank look. "Are you actually serious? This better be one of your dumb jokes, Izaya, and I mean that: you're not the type to do that."

"You're right; I'm not," he said, stretching while still on his chair, "But, in desperate times, people can act in surprisingly uncharacteristic ways, did you know that?"

... Namie's expression did not change. "And this is an emergency? Just admit you're joking around and go back to your weird hobbies: somehow, that's less creepy than what you're currently planning." And Namie was serious about that: just imagining Izaya being something like a super hero made her want to vomit.

On the other hand, if Seiji did it, for her... "If I want all humans to love me back, then I've got to at least go that far: I want to make things special, remember?" The cheerful smile he was wearing was not helping Namie's sanity (not that she had any), and he was well aware of that. "Speaking of that, can you sew, Namie-san? Everyone knows heroes can't do their work without funky costumes!"

. . .

... Namie dropped her files.

. . .

A few days later, he was already 100% ready to begin his super hero endeavors. Funky super hero costume? Check; it was in fabulous red latex, of course.

. . .

... Everything else? Check.

Whatever the case, Izaya had to pick a location, but that had not been very hard to decide: what better place to start than Ikebukuro? It was such an interesting place, after all. Besides, there was already a monster he could slay to earn his humans' love, which would make him not have to bother causing some sort of incident for him to solve.

Obviously, that was Shizuo Heiwajima: who else, really? Someone as predictable as him, who worked instinctively and on pure rage, was completely disposable; not even human. Due to that, by vanquishing him, he would start being loved by all humans.

With that in mind, he set out to Ikebukuro, using his unrivaled parkour skills to jump around the buildings without being seen: he had to make a flashy entrance, so he was only going to show himself after finding Shizuo. Fortunately, since he wanted every chance he could to get rid of the almost immortal thing (seriously, he would not even die with a gunshot; was he made of titanium or something?), Izaya had knowledge on where he would usually be, all to make sure that whatever issues would happen in that area would come his way.

That made it really easy for Izaya to find him, so, exposing his fabulous self on the top of a very tall building, he shouted out, "People-love! All for my beloved humans, to stop all evil that comes their way: starting with you, Shizu-chan!" Izaya pointed at Shizuo with a confident smirk, knowing just how pissed off he would be at the mere presence of him.

The people around the area gasped in awe, while Shizuo broke the cigarette that was on his mouth out of sheer anger. He looked up at that building with a dark glare, scowling. "Izayaaaa... I don't even know why you're suddenly dressed so stupidly, and I don't want to know either, but you're gonna pay for showing up in Ikebukuro! Didn't I tell you to fucking leave, you flea?!"

Grabbing the nearest vending machine, Shizuo threw it in the air, aiming it at Izaya: it did not even reach the height he was at, however. Izaya chuckled. "Is that really all you can do, Shizu-chan? You could at least try being more creative now that I'm about to vanquish you!"

"Shut up with your nonsense, I don't wanna hear it!" Shizuo reached for another heavy object in his vicinity, a car, but it also failed to reach Izaya. "Damn it, just you wait!"

Before Shizuo could enter the building so as to reach its rooftop as well, Izaya was already going down, still using his unrivaled parkour skills. "Why wait, when I can just come to you instead?"

"You really wanna die, don't you?! Then I don't have to take any responsibility for what I do to you! Not that anyone'd care about a flea like you anyway!" As they approached each other, reaching a dangerously close distance, Shizuo aimed a punch at Izaya, only for him to dodge effortlessly; he was very agile, after all. Getting behind him quickly, Izaya reached for his flick blade and slashed his back, fabulously twirling to the side to dodge Shizuo's next hit.

It'd be too boring otherwise, huh, Izaya thought, seeing Shizuo completely unfazed with his own injuries. Next, he tried stabbing him in his chest: it would not work, of course, since he was inexplicably immortal. Not bothering to take out the flick blade from him, he decided he was better off using some other tactic to truly finish him off; but what would that be...?

... It dawned on him: something that all super heroes had, something that could guarantee Shizuo's death… A super power! Of course, that was only obvious! "Well, Shizu-chan, since your monstrous self can't die by normal means, have a taste of my super powers!" he exclaimed while jumping back to prevent getting damaged by Shizuo's terrifying strength. "With all my love for humanity, take this! Super Shining Ultra Human Love Ray!" Clapping his hands together, what came out from them when he separated them slightly was a gigantic, pink laser which fired towards Shizuo's area, and was completely able to go through even the buildings Shizuo was in front of.

There was no doubt in his mind: Shizuo was dead for sure this time. "I guess what they say about the power of love prevailing is really true, huh?" Izaya laughed, and he laughed really hard; he was unable to stop. "Ah, this is amazing, amazing, amazing! There's no better moment than this: rejoice, my dear humans! Shizuo Heiwajima is finally dead, completely burnt to a crisp with the power of my love! Aren't I just amazing? I vanquished the monster, after all!"

Even after that speech, he continued laughing, and laughing, as that laughter started fading into silence, and his vision turned black...

. . .

The next thing he knew, Izaya was in his bed, at his own bedroom in Shinjuku. He just woke up, he noted; no latex on him either. A dream, huh... Not that it surprises me. After all, there was simply no way he could conjure a super ray filled with his love for humanity, no matter how hard he tried: he would not have come up with such a name for it either if he had one. "Though, it definitely would've been great if Shizu-chan got burnt to a crisp like that..." he muttered, smirking at the mere thought of it. "Sucks that he's so resistant."

Izaya stretched and yawned, finding that he had woken up earlier than usual. He thought back on his dream, which he was slowly starting to forget: however, the part where he killed Shizuo would surely remain in his mind forever. Even so, he had become a super hero of all things in that dream: that was totally not his style. Besides, what benefits would it bring to Izaya if he were a super hero? Sure, he would be loved by most humans, but that would not be worth it: he did not just love seeing them happy, after all. He loved them in every possible way, the ultimate form of love: as a super hero, he could not bring despair upon them; he would become but a mere idol, a God to them.

That, in itself, would have also been fun, but not for a majority of people: he needed variety in his humans, after all. He did not find a need to stand out either: it was much better watching everything from afar, not getting directly involved and playing for both sides. That way, he could have fun from the safe distance of his home, without getting into unnecessary trouble: receiving recognition would merely take away all those benefits. Indeed, it fit him the most being in the shadows, doing as he pleased... and he was going to stay that way.

... He snickered at himself in super hero clothing: simply priceless...!

. . .

As if by fate, Izaya had nothing in particular to do on that day. However, instead of watching people, which would have also been a great idea, he turned to Namie, still in his spinning chair. "Hey, Namie-san?" he called, a cheerful smile on his face.

Namie did not even bother sparing him a glance. "What is it?" she asked. As if by fate, yet again, Namie had been organizing his files; Izaya felt like laughing already.

Staring at her expectantly with a dark glint in his eyes, he stayed silent, knowing that she would turn to him eventually. "Just tell me what you want already." As expected, she did so, giving him an annoyed look. He knew she had a bad feeling about his words.

... But that was the best part. "What if I suddenly wanted to become a super hero?"

Author's Notes:

That is, of course, the best ending in the Universe XD Ah, I seriously cannot write a one-shot without it being completely misleading: all my KHR one-shots are like that too, and I honestly don't know why… Whatever the case!

IZAYAAAAAAAA!

I finally wrote something with him, finally! And it happened to be crack... kind of? Not even I'm sure, but this is supposed to be a completely silly story. Even so, I wrote Izaya! And I loved writing him so much, it was amazing: just as I expected, really; he is my favorite character, after all. Also, Namie is the best foil ever so I had a lot of fun writing her too; it was just too great.

Do feel free to imagine Izaya in fabulous red latex though, you're bound to laugh XDD No Shizuo-bashing was intended in this story: it's just that Izaya happens to hate Shizuo, and the narrative was completely in his perspective, so I really had no choice. Speaking of that, you may be wondering about why I came up with this idea, and it really just stems from the fact that Izaya loves humans and goes like, 'HITO-RABU' on top of buildings while standing on suit cases XD It just made me think of him being a super hero to help out his beloved humans… which would be completely OOC of the guy, so I made it a dream.

In case you missed them, here's the list of hints:

- The narrative was actually completely in Izaya's perspective (in third person though), even when it seemed like it was talking about how Namie felt about a situation: that's because Izaya would know exactly what she would be thinking, being that OP; she's not very unpredictable either. This is why you never hear her direct thoughts (only Izaya's) and only see it on narration. Yes, Izaya is totally aware he pisses her off, which shouldn't surprise anyone.

- The fact that he wanted to become a super hero in the first place (and almost everything surrounding him taking that seriously): as a joke, it could be possible for Izaya to say that, but he would not want to actually become a super hero, so this is an OOC moment; he even admits it's OOC!

- The lack of clarity on the time passed after Izaya's conversation with Namie: in fact, no discernible time had passed, since it was a dream so it was all but a mere transition in his mind, but supposedly 'a few days' had passed; how many though? I'm sure Izaya would note that detail just because it would be interesting to know how much it would have taken him to get ready for his super hero-ing.

- Izaya wearing red latex: that is all. (His fur coat rules by the way)

- The people gasping in awe (of all things), but doing nothing else afterwards: no normal person would react that way after seeing Izaya in fabulous red latex shouting nonsense.

- The fight was too easy for Izaya: even then, I could imagine Izaya being able to win, but not kill him (a mere flick blade wouldn't do anything to that guy). However, Shizuo is super strong too, so he should've been able to do something while he was that close to Izaya; he's fairly agile himself.

- Izaya's super power: that is all.

- The fact that Izaya talked about his super power as if it was obvious and just shot it out as if it were nothing: typical of a dream, and the most obvious hint; there was no way he'd not question it, even if he is Izaya.

- Shizuo dies: Shizuo does not simply die (Shizuo is OP). If it were that easy, Izaya would have already done it for sure.

... I write too many ItWasADreamAllAlong!One-shots XDD But this time it was great because it was Izaya! That was surely the best ending ever though, and Izaya must've totally loved having killed Shizuo. All in all, we both had a great time! Latex aside...

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this story, you are truly awesome for that!