It had been a week since Amanda admitted to being raped and the whole squad finding out. She could barely function through the day and every case was triggering her. She couldn't take it and needed time off. She got up from her desk and walked it to Olivia's office. "Sargent, can I come in, I need to talk." Liv looked up. She seen another side of Amanda she had never seen. She looked run down, pale, and barely with it. "Sure Amanda, come in." Amanda walked in and sat in the chair on the other side of Olivia's desk. "I need time off, please. I don't want to get into everything or talk about it, but I need time off, I need to be able to really deal with this." She lied through her teeth she had no reality of actually wanting to even face it or actually seeing a therapist. She was dealing with it her own way. "Amanda I can give you time but I want to give you the card to my therapist, please call him after you leave." Amanda looked up and slightly smiled. "Promise." Truth was she was only going to throw the card away. There was no way in hell she would actually make an appointment to go talk to him.

After she finished talking to Olivia, Amanda made her way out of her office and out the doors to head home. She didn't want to see anyone nor talk to them. Not even on the phone. She walked out to her car and lit a cigarette. She took a deep inhale and let it out. She finally felt a little calm but the release just wasn't enough. She wanted to stop by the drug store and by a pack of razors. Amanda felt like she had to have more. She started up the car and headed out to the nearest Walgreens.

She headed right into the store when she got there and went for the isle where they kept the straight razors. She went and checked and felt some sort of relief just having them in her hand. When she got out to her car her stomach started to rumble. She seen several different fast food chains down the road.

She was going to get relief no matter what it took even if it meant destructing her own body.

She pulled up to the Taco Bell drive thru.
"May I take your order?"
"Yes, I'd like to have two cheesy gordita crunch's, two shredded chicken burritos, two loaded potato grillers, cheesy nachos and a crunch wrap with no tomatoes." Amanda said.
"Ok, your total is $17.31 at the second window."
Amanda pulls up to the window and hands the girl a $20. She gets her food and heads straight home. The smells from her bag of food almost make her want to pull over and devour it all. Once she gets home, she sits her bag of food and the new package of razors on the counter. She knows it's going to be a long night. But she can't help but feel slightly excited. She knows Nick won't be coming over, so she has the whole night to binge, purge and cut until she is ready to pass out. She lets Frannie in and gives her a treat. Then she grabs her bag of food, flicks the TV on and sits on the couch. She eats her cheesy nachos, both of her loaded potato grillers and she's full. She grabs a large cup and heads for her bathroom. She fills the cup up with water and drinks it all. Then she bends over her toilet, presses on her stomach and watches the food flow out of her. She fills her cup up again and purges until she sees bile. She feels empty, free and high from the endorphins. She walks into the kitchen and grabs the new pack of razors she got. She opens it and pulls one out. She slips out of her pants and starts cutting up her thigh like a Virginia ham. Finally! The release she had been looking for. But she isn't finished yet. She eats the rest of her food and purges again. She rinses herself out with water twice until she dry heaves and then she heads into the kitchen to raid her cabinets and fridge.

This was going to be a long night. She wanted her life to come to an end. She didn't see a point of living. She didn't really have any family and she was a humiliation to the entire precinct. Why would they want her? She was damaged. She binged and purged until she couldn't move anymore. She stripped her clothes off and pulled out her scale. '105' she smiled to herself. She was dropping weight rapidly and she didn't care. She turned on the shower as hot as it would go. She looked to her phone to turn on music and seen several missed calls and texts from everyone at the precinct. They were to check in with her. It slightly pissed her off because it was like they didn't quite understand English that she wanted to be left alone. She turned it on and blared the music as loud as it would go. The hot water pounded against her frail white skin turning it cherry red. She began to cry. Is this what her life would really become? She wished and hoped that maybe that night her heart would stop. That her eating disorder would finally cause her heart to give out, after all no one would miss her. She wasn't worth loving. Nick made that very clear. He walked out of her life without a single care in the world. Her body began to shake. Thought of Patton began to flood her mind. He had pinned her wrist above her head and those words her told her had impounded into her head 'You know I don't take No for an answer'. She dropped to the ground in the tub. She pulled her knees up to her chest. Her music was loud she couldn't even hear someone knocking on her door.

Olivia reached for the keys under Amanda's doormat and let herself in this wasn't like her to not answer her phone.

Olivia heard Amanda's music in the hall. She thought about turning around and leaving but she needed to make sure Amanda was ok. So, she waited. She sent a text to let Amanda know she was in her living room so she wouldn't startle her.

Amanda cut up her thigh some more and let the water turn ice cold before forcing herself out of the shower. She cleaned and bandaged her cuts and slipped into a long tee shirt and some panties. After drying her hair, she finally looked at her phone and saw a new text from Olivia.
"What does she mean she's here?" She mumbled to herself as she left the bathroom. She walked into her living room and saw her boss sitting on her couch. 'Oh, that's what she meant.' She thought to herself. She forced a smile on her face and sat on the other, farthest end of the couch. "Hey, Sargent. To what do I owe you breaking and entering?" She asked jokingly.
"I was worried about you." Olivia said.

"There's no need ok." Amanda raised her arm and the long sleeve came down as Olivia looked over. 'Shit' Amanda thought. "I think it's time for you to go home, obviously I am fine. Do I need to show you to the door, oh wait I forgot you broke and entered into my house so you shouldn't need help finding your way out? I'm tired. Please go." Olivia wasn't ready to give up that easy thought after seeing what she did.

"How are you really doing?" Olivia asked.
Amanda sighed and rolled her eyes, "I'm as well as can be expected. Look, I'm really tired. Please let yourself out." She got up and walked straight into her bedroom. She closed and locked the door behind her.

Olivia was lost for words. She could hear Amanda screaming and crying. One of her own needed to be save but she wasn't sure how. She wanted to intervene. She had seen the sign several times before. Something had to happen before Amanda took her own life.