A/N: SEVERE TRIGGERS

Chapter 8

When Olivia and Essence arrived to the house Olivia wasn't sure how to wake her. She looked so peaceful and probably the best sleep she has had in a long time. "Essence Honey, we are home." But no response she must be in a really deep sleep. "Essence honey." Olivia place her hand gently on her shoulder.

"No please, I promise I will never do it again, please don't beat me." Essence shot up looking around her unable to breathe.

"Honey it's ok, Mommy is here." Essence looked around.

"Mommy help me..." Tears began to fall.

Olivia got out of the car and came around to the passenger side. Sje took Essence into her arms.

"Please don't ever leave me again." Essence begged.

"Honey I am not going anywhere. Why don't we go inside and get some dinner and we can watch some chick flicks." Essence grabbed onto Olivia's hand for dear life not letting go. She followed close behind Olivia into the house. "Come with me Honey I will show you around the house." She nodded and continued to follow her. "Down the hall is my bedroom and right across the hallway is your bedroom, both have their own bathrooms, and over here is the kitchen and then the living room. Pretty basic but it's home." Essence was happy. This was the nicest place she had ever lived in.

Essence sat down on the couch.

"Honey are you ok with Chinese food?" Olivia asked from the kitchen.

Essence's anxiety began to grow, she wanted nothing to do with food. "Ughm yea sure it's whatever, I am good with anything."

Olivia nodded and picked up her cell phone an ordered their dinner. When she was done she hung up and walked out to the living room. "It will be here in 30 minutes."

Essence just nodded and laid down and rested her head on Olivia's lap. Olivia didn't know what made Essence feel like being so close to her but she didn't mind it. She finally had her daughter back and that was more than she could ever ask for.

Essence felt immediate comfort as her Mother ran her fingers through her hair. They were just laying on the couch waiting for their dinner.

Olivia wasn't forcing her to talk and she appreciated it.

"Olivia?" Essence tried getting her Mother's attention.

Olivia's heart dropped when Essence didn't call her Mom again. "Yeah, baby?"

"I want to forgive you someday..." Essence said softly.

"The day you decide to forgive me and let me in will be one of the happiest days of my life." Olivia said.

"What's the other happiest day of your life?" Essence asked.

"That day is also the saddest day of my life...The day you were born." Olivia said.

"Oh..." Essence said. She didn't really know what to say.

Their dinner showed up and they ate in total silence. Each lost in their own thoughts.

Olivia and Essence went to the kitchen. "Honey are you going to have more than that?"

Essence shook her head. "I am not very hungry actually, its been a long day I am just really tired." Olivia just smiled she knew it had been a long day for her. "I figured we could go shopping tomorrow and have a girls day." This lit up Essence face. She never had the chance to get new things. "I would love to!" Olivia knew that this could be the chance for them to begin to bond.

When they sat at the dinner table Olivia watched as she played with the food side to side, "Ughm Olivia, can I please just go to bed, I am exhausted and really tired." Olivia half heartedly smiled. "Are you sure, you haven't touched anything." Essence nodded.

"Yes, I'm sure! Stop asking me that! What are you my Mother?!" Essence snapped.

Olivia stood up and slapped the table. "Stop it!" She said raising her voice. She squeezed the bridge of her nose. "I know you don't see me as your Mother, but that's who I am. You don't have to call me Mom until you mean or until you're ready and until you mean it. But you do need to respect me." She said in a calm tone of voice.

Essence just looked her up and down and crossed her arms across her chest. "I'm going to bed." She turned and walked away. She made sure to slam her bedroom door.

"DAMMIT!" Olivia shouted.

Essence wanted to just cry. She just hurt the only person who actually cared about her. She picked up the only stuff she actually owned and threw it up against the wall with no cares. She was stuck in hell or so she felt like it. Olivia heard this all going down, she didn't know what to do. All she knew was this normal and she was allowed to be angry. Her world had been flipped upside. Essence in her bedroom was screaming at the top of her lungs but it was getting to the point Olivia felt like the NYPD was going to be called for a murder that wasn't evening going down. She decided she need to take this into her own hand and calm Essence down or at least get her to stop screaming psycho bloody murder. Olivia walked down the hallway. "You know Essence I can scream just as loud as you and beat against the wall like so..." AHHHHHHHH Olivia let out and began to kick the wall. This through Essence for a loop. All she wanted to do is throw the tantrum, tired herself out and sleep.

Essence flipped the door wide open. "What are you doing? Are you enjoying acting like me?!" Olivia just smiled. "Why are you laughing at me?" Essence cried out. Olivia just looked at her. She could tell that she was tired. "Are you done yet? Do you want to sleep in the bedroom with me honey?" "Actually yes please." But secretly she was just planning on kicking her in the stomach in the middle of the night just get back at her.

Essence and Olivia got into Olivia's bed and met in the middle.

"Good night sweetie." Olivia said and pressed a kiss to Essence's forehead.

"Good night." Essence said. She immediately rolled away.

Olivia sighed and listened to Essence's even breathing. She figured she was asleep so she let herself drift off.

Once Essence was sure Olivia was asleep, she slipped out of her bed and crept down the hall to her new bedroom. She closed the door as quietly as she could before flicking on her light. She dug around through her bags until she found her pack of smokes. She turned the light off and slipped out of her bedroom and out into the living room before skipping across the room to the patio. She opened the patio door and stepped outside. Once she was sure Olivia wouldn't come out and catch her, she whipped out a cigarette and lit it up. She took deep drags, enjoying the nicotine flowing through her veins. Before she put her cigarette out, she raised one of her sleeves and burned herself with the butt. It had become her newest addiction. She had several cigarette butt burns on the inside of her arm that were scabbed over. Once she felt like she was able to breathe she dropped the butt in a cup of water and hid it out of sight.

After she was done smoking she crept back into the house trying not to make any noise and run into anything. She walked back into the bedroom and ran into Alex. 'Shit' "what are you doing here?" she whispered. "I could ask you where you been and why your coming in so late?" Essence huffed and rolled her eyes. "For your info I was only outside..." with that she walked away and into her room and closed the door behind her. She dug in her hand and found what she wanted she opened the pill bottle. 'Laxatives' relief. She tossed 4 back. She was calm. 'Thank you weight loss ED'. She dug around for her next hand coping tool. She found her shiney friend who has never left her side. She stared in a daze going into a high she slid it down her arm and watched the blood drip. Before she could clean up Olivia walked in.

"Essence what happened?" Olivia asked as she pushes herself fully into the room. "Honey, you're bleeding." She walks over to Essence and inspects her arm.

Essence tries to pull her arm free. "I cut myself OK?!" She snapped.

Olivia felt a wave of nausea crash over her as she looks at the scars of old cuts and what looks like burns on her daughter's olive skinned flesh. Tears prick her eyes as she realizes her daughter has been hurting herself for probably a long time. "Let me help you clean it up." She says, swallowing the lump in her throat.

"No, it's fine. I don't need you.I got it. Go back to bed with your girlfriend." Essence said in a clipped tone.

Olivia sighed. "Honey, I didn't know Alex was coming over, I promise."

"Whatever, She's here now and I'm sure you're not enough of a cunt to kick her out. She probs came over to get some. Make sure you keep it down, k?" Essence said, rolling her eyes.

"Essence...I..." Olivia couldn't get the words out. And she desperately wanted to tell the girl how much she loved her. She didn't understand why it was so easy to help victims that were perfect strangers but she couldn't seem to help her own daughter. She would forever regret giving Essence up for adoption. She didn't know what would happen after she signed those papers. Those people promised to love her daughter forever and they threw her away like a pair of used shoes.

Olivia wasn't going to give up nor was she going to leave the room. Her daughter needed help and knew she couldn't be left alone. She wasn't going anywhere ever again. This was going to be permanent and she was going to make sure of it.