Fifty Reasons Why Two are Better than One

Author Note:

((For those unfamiliar with my version of the UNCLE world, Illya and Napoleon remained with UNCLE as did April and Mark. Napoleon moved into Mister Waverly's position when the Old Man retired. Illya took over as head of Section VIII with April becoming CEA of Section II and Mark becoming head of a new section : IX, a split-off from Section IV that is dedicated to keeping abreast of and innovating computer technology. Thus, all four officially eventually leave the field, but - as with Mister Waverly - still end up out there periodically, much to the dismay of their juniors.))

In the Beginning - 1964 - Sharing Expenses

Napoleon had the distinct feeling that Mister Waverly was only humoring him as he listed his reasons why he would be better off operating without a partner. To him, a partner was a drag - just a deadweight. Once Napoleon finished, Mister Waverly tapped on the opened folder sitting in front of him.

"While you do present an . . . interesting argument, Mister Solo, I trust you will indulge my whims to try one more partner with you. Perhaps if you think of the advantages instead of the disadvantages, the experience might go smoother."

"What advantages, sir?"

"I have found it true that two agents - two compatible agents - have better ratio of success than do solo agents. Pardon the unintentional pun, Mister Solo. Besides . . ."

Mister Waverly studied his briar pipe briefly before closing the folder in front of him and tossing it over to Napoleon.

" . . . if there were two of you, the amounts on your expense reports might seem a shade more believable."

#1 - 1965 - Navigator

With a sigh, Illya steered to the side of the road and stopped.

"Admit it. We are lost."

"Just because we don't know exactly where we are, it doesn't mean we're lost."

The look Illya gave Napoleon could best be called incredulous.

"Really, Napoleon? I would have thought that not knowing where we are would be the textbook definition of lost."

"Give me a minute to recheck the map."

"What good will the map do if you do not know where we are to start with?"

"A road sign would be handy, wouldn't it?"

"I cannot argue with that, but since there are none in sight, what do you suggest?"

"Just keep going the direction we're going. We're bound to run into something eventually."

"Hopefully not literally. And hopefully before we run out of fuel."

"On the plus side, we seem to be getting excellent gas mileage."

"We need to request a compass - or a sextant."

"Where's your sense of adventure?"

Pulling back onto the road to continue down the road, Illya sighed.

"I believe it turned left when we turned right about twelve miles back."

#2 - 1966 - Translator

Hearing the door to their office open, Illya didn't bother to look up from the report he was reading.

"Well, Napoleon? Did you get him to talk?"

"Sort of."

At that response, Illya glanced up, removing his glasses as he studied Napoleon. His partner was rubbing his forehead in the way he tended to do when a headache was forming.

"Sort of? Either he talked or he did not."

"He talked, but I have no idea what he said. Listen, I wrote it all down: 'I'm being upfront, Warden. Me and my fox were tooling around in my machine and decided to head for the passion pit. On the way, there was this big tuna and chrome dome in daddy's car. Big tuna was eatin' grapes off of wallpaper, man. We were side by side when big tuna suddenly hangs a right and cuts us off. He practically hits this mod skirt and chrome dome reaches out and grabs at the skirt. Well, the skirt loses her cool, pounds the skuzz and splits. I knew it was a mess and a half so I grabbed the bat phone to clue the Man in and got pointed your way, Warden.' Any ideas?"

Illya held out his hand.

"May I see your notes? He says he's telling you the truth - he and his girlfriend were driving around in his car and decided to go to a drive-in movie. On the way there, two men - one large and one bald - in a conservative looking car drew their attention because the driver was acting disturbed. Then the car made a sudden right in front of them and stopped close to a fashionably dressed woman and the bald man tried to grab the woman. The woman fought back, managed to strike the man and ran away. The young man knew the matter was more than he could deal with, so he called the police to report the matter and was directed to you."

Illya handed the notes back. Napoleon stared at them for a minute before finally blurting out.

"You're kidding."

"Not in the least. I had to learn a great deal of the slang when I was undercover in San Francisco earlier this year."

Dropping the notes down onto his desk, Napoleon gave Illya a hopeful look.

"Mind coming back in with me? Finding out where April might have run to will go a lot faster if I don't have to keep ducking in here for translations."

"Certainly."

#3 - 1967 - Lookout

After Illya stepped out to stand by Napoleon's side, Millicent's right hand went to her breast as her breath caught. Mister Waverly looked to his wife and reached a hand over to steady her.

"Well, my dear? You saw a great deal more of Lawrence when he was wearing his keffiyeh."

"There are differences, of course, but the resemblance is there. And since our Mister Kuryakin will be trying to pass as a grandchild of his, a resemblance is all that is needed. Those blue eyes - those will be what will, as they say, seal the deal."

Looking quite pleased, Mister Waverly turned his attention back to Illya and Napoleon. Napoleon was looking over his partner's 'Lawrence of Arabia' look himself.

"No offense against my partner, but isn't Illya a little short for the role?"

Millicent began to chuckle.

"I am afraid the movies have led you astray, Napoleon, my dear boy. Peter O'Toole? While he is over six foot in height, dear Lawrence was only five foot five - only an inch or so taller than I am."

A wry smile formed on Illya's face.

"So for once, I am a bit tall for a role?"

Mister Waverly seemed amused himself.

"Not really, Mister Kuryakin. Children are, after all, often taller than their fathers and grandfathers. You have studied that notes that Millicent prepared for you?"

"Yes, sir. I will be under the name of Nicholas Lawrence, son of William who was named for one of Grandfather's brothers lost in the first World War."

"Excellent. And you know your role, Mister Solo?"

"Yes, Mister Waverly. I'll be a combination of contact, lookout and backup in the area for Il - Mister Kuryakin as needed."

"Quite right. Your plane will be leaving this evening. Remember the goal is to ascertain the goals of THRUSH in that region without escalating the already tense political situation."

"We will do our best, sir."

#4 - 1968 -Sparring Partner

Napoleon grabbed a towel for himself and tossed a second one over to Illya.

"Good round. Care to go at it again?"

"I would have thought you had seen enough close views of the mat by now, Napoleon."

"Whoa now - I wasn't the only one of us to hit the mat, tovarich."

"Perhaps not. However, you tended to stay down and study it for longer periods than I did."

"Alright, those are fighting words, chum."

"So, that means another round?"

"You bet your sweet bippy."

"I am not gambling with you, Napoleon."

"That's not what I meant."

"Then why did you mention betting? And what is a bippy?"

"Forget it. Let's hit the showers."

#5 - 1969 - Crutch

"Give me your hand, Napoleon. Careful - do not put weight on your foot."

"This isn't going to work, Illya. Your arm's broken."

"That arm is - this arm is not. And broken bones will be the least of our problems if we do not get out of here quickly."

"How do we manage to get into situations like this?"

"At the moment, I believe we would be better off focusing on how we get out of situations like this."

"A very good point. Sure you can handle this?"

"Is there a choice?"

"I suppose not. Let's do this."

#6 - 1970 - Backup

"This shouldn't take long. Give me ten minutes."

"If you are not out by then, I will be going in after you."

"If I'm not out by then, you complete the mission. That's an order."

"Question, if you are not out in ten minutes, it will likely be because something has happened to you, correct?"

"Yes, I think you could safely assume that."

"And if something happens to you, I would be assuming control of the mission, correct?"

"Also correct."

"Then do not waste our time giving orders that make no sense. If you return, there is no need and if you do not, I will be the one giving the orders then."

"In other words, if I'm not out in ten minutes, you're coming in after me?"

"I am glad we have reached an understanding."

#7 - 1971 - Body Heat

"This is ridiculous. Freezing to death in the tropics will be an embarrassing way to die."

Cupping his hands together, Napoleon breathed into them in an attempt to get feeling back in his fingers.

"You have to admit that it would have novelty on its side."

"If you wish to be remembered as a frozen novelty, that is your business, Napoleon. I want no part of it."

"That wasn't what I meant by novelty. Never mind. What we need to focus on is getting out of this freezer."

"I am open to suggestions. Stand closer and share warmth. Perhaps if our brains thaw, we will think of something."

"Hold on - I just remembered . . . ah ha!"

"We are freezing and you have decided that you wish to paint your fingernails?"

"This isn't my nail polish, smart aleck. I picked it up from the lab for April, but didn't have a chance to give it to her before we got called out."

"For April? Wait - is that X-757?"

"Right on the first guess. The world's most fashionable plastic explosive."

"The day is looking up."

#8 - 1972 - Furniture Moving

Illya tested the weight of the sofa, glanced at the stairs, then shook his head.

"I do not know how you talked me into this."

"Hey, I helped you move your furniture only last month."

"You have more furniture in this one room than I have in my entire apartment. And more rooms. And much heavier furniture."

"How about the number of books I had to haul around?"

"You have a point. Ready? Lift on three."

#9 - 1973 - Loyalty

Napoleon stood in front of the door to Mister Waverly's - no, to his office. He didn't need to turn to know who had moved to his side. He knew the sound of Illya's step better than he knew his own.

"Go on in, Napoleon. I will be right behind you."

Taking a deep breath, Napoleon reached out to open the door and stepped inside. The smell of pipe tobacco still lingered and part of him expected Mister Waverly to step out of the shadows at any second.

He didn't turn as the door shut behind him. When Napoleon spoke, they were words he would never speak to anyone but his partner of nearly ten years

"I don't know if I can do this."

"You can, Napoleon. And someday, you will be taking this mantel permanently, so this is an excellent chance to get your knees wet."

"You mean feet wet."

"I think you are stepping into waters far deeper than that, my friend."

"Not helping my nerves any, Illya. Six months until Mister Waverly comes back. How do I get them to follow me the way they follow him? How do I ask for that kind of loyalty?"

"You cannot ask for loyalty, Napoleon - you must earn it and you will. By doing what he would do, but in your own fashion. Remind them why we are fighting. Assure them that you will not throw their lives away - that even if they die performing their mission, that they will not die in vain. And remember that just as Mister Waverly was not alone, neither are you. April, Mark and I will back you."

"Have I ever told you that you give a very good pep talk, partner of mine? Thanks. Now, come on. Help me wade through these reports."

"At least I have plenty of practice in helping with your paperwork."

#10 - 1974 - Social Intervention

Napoleon tried to stay cool at the side of the lady he had been chatting with - innocent flirting, no more - but the muscular man that she had identified as her husband didn't seem convinced at Napoleon's protest of innocence. Suddenly his very un-amused looked partner was at his side, practically hissing at him.

"I cannot leave you alone for even an hour, can I?"

Illya grabbed Napoleon's left hand with his own left hand, bringing their hands up with Illya's ring in plain sight.

"Where is your ring? You promised me that your days of flirting with other men were over."

It would have been hard pressed to say whose eyes were wider - the woman's, her husband's or Napoleon's. The husband started stammering something about there having been a terrible misunderstanding as he took his wife's arm and the two of them beat a hasty retreat.

Now it was Napoleon's turn to hiss as he reclaimed his hand.

"Did you have to do that?"

Giving Napoleon a bland look, Illya's eyes were the only things that betrayed his amusement.

"Would you prefer that I had let the man beat you to a pulp? He is a heavyweight fighter - a contender for the belt."

"Fine, I appreciate the bail-out, but you couldn't think of any other way?"

"To be truthful, I was not the one that came up with this method. April assured me it would work and it did."

Casting a baleful glare over to where April was dancing with her own partner, Napoleon grumbled.

"I must think of a way to properly 'thank' her later."

Illya gave his partner a pat on the back.

"I am sure you will."

#11 - 1975 - Support

Napoleon was seated in a hard plastic chair in the waiting room, his shoulders slumped. He was lost in his own thoughts to the point that he didn't realize he was no longer alone until a hand settled on his shoulder.

"Illya? What are you doing here?"

"Surely you did not think that I would stay away once I heard? How is she?"

"Her doctor says she'll be alright. Mostly bruised, but she has a mild concussion from the crash as well."

Coming around, Illya took the seat beside Napoleon.

"I have already spoken to Mister Waverly. So long as no emergency arises that needs our particular talents, we will be taking some of our accumulated leave time so that we can take care of her."

"You didn't need to do that, Illya. She's my family."

"Your Aunt Amy has been nothing but kind to me. Besides, she and I are related as well through our cats."

"I don't suppose I can argue that."

"I do not see why you would feel the need to. Just remember that the doctor has said she will be well again. We will see this through together."

"Thanks, tovarich."

#12 - 1976 - Wingman

"You are a grown man, Napoleon. I do not see why I must accompany you to a bar when all you plan to do is find a female companion and then abandon me."

"It's all part of friendship between guys, chum. A friend should be willing to pull the occasional wingman duty for his friends."

"Wingman?"

"You've studied tactical films."

"I know what a wingman is for in an air combat situation, but I fail to see what that has in common with going into a bar."

"It's the same principle. Combat planes come in squadrons. Single ladies tend to come to establishments like this in groups."

"Are you telling me that I am supposed to serve as distraction for the other ladies of the group so that you can focus on your target?"

"You make it sound like a combat maneuver."

"It was you and not I that started it by using a military term."

"Well, that's true enough. So, are you going to come?"

"I will. It will be interesting to see if that other military term will apply to you."

"Which term is that?"

"Being shot down."

#13 - 1977 - Division of Unpleasant Tasks

The two agents stood side by side in the gloom, looking over their target.

"You did not warn me that this was going to be one of those missions."

"Well, let's be honest here, Illya. Most of our missions turn in one of those missions."

"I see only two ways in. Neither is pleasant."

"I see two as well. Shall we compare and see if we're looking at the same two?"

"The first I see is to climb the barbed wire. The second is to go through what appears to be a sluice emptying out waste."

"I was really hoping you saw a different one."

"I will confess I was hoping the same, Napoleon. As already noted, neither option is pleasant."

"So how do we decide who goes which route?"

"Much as I hate to say this, I am the logical one to go up the sluice. We do not know how small it may get before reaching an opening and I am the smaller of the two of us."

"After we finish, what do you say to a hot shower, a good meal and a stiff drink - in that order?"

"I say the sooner we finish this unpleasantness, the sooner we can begin."

#14 - 1978 - Bail

Standing outside of the holding cell, the blond agent looking over his bedraggled looking partner.

"I must admit this is at least a new way for you to wake me at 3 am, Napoleon."

"Sorry, but my wallet went missing during the fight."

"As apparently did your jacket, one sleeve of your shirt and your left shoe."

"It was a memorable bar fight."

"Over a woman?"

"How did you know?"

"Lucky guess. Come, I have already paid your bail. You can tell me the details as I drive you home."

#15 - 1979 - Someone to Stick with the Paperwork

Illya was already busy working on his reports when Napoleon came through the door, awkwardly maneuvering as he closed the door before readjusting his sling.

"Good morning, Illya."

"Good morning, Napoleon. How is your arm today?"

"Getting better. I should be out of the sling by next week."

"Very good. By the way, I have nearly finished my half of the reports. Your portion are on your desk awaiting you."

"Thanks. By the way, I appreciate the forms you filled out for me yesterday."

"Think nothing of it, my friend. Care for some coffee?"

"Sure, that would be great. Say, Illya?"

"Yes, Napoleon?"

"Mind giving me a hand with the paperwork again today?"

"I think not. You know, Napoleon, you should keep better notes."

"For my reports?"

"For your scams. Yesterday, your sling was on the other arm."

#16 - 1980 - Distraction

As he hugged the side of the wall that was between them and the search light, Napoleon spoke softly.

"We've got to move - I heard them call for reinforcements and if we're still here when they arrive, we'll be like fish in a barrel."

"You will have to explain that one to me when we have more time, Napoleon. For now, get ready to run and I will provide a distraction."

"How loud of a distraction?"

"Pardon?"

"I want to know what to expect so I don't waste time being distracted by the distraction."

"Ah. Expect loud. Very loud."

#17 - 1981 - Emotional Support

Illya moved into the dim room quietly just in case Napoleon had given into his exhaustion and fallen asleep. The immediate turning of Napoleon's head and the light catching his reddened eyes told the story that sleep hadn't come yet. Setting down the tray on the nearby table, Illya began to unfold the blanket he had brought in draped over his arm.

"Why am I so numb, Illya?"

"It is alright, Napoleon. Let me put this around you - and drink this."

"What is this?"

"Only tea. Sip it. You have had a bad shock."

The teacup shook in the normally steady hands.

"She loved tea."

"I know, tovarich. I know. She also loved you. She told me often how proud she was of you."

"I can't believe she's gone. She was the one constant I had my whole life."

"Your Aunt Amy was a wonderful woman. She and Mrs. Waverly filled a place in me that had been empty since I lost my babushka."

"She considered you to be one of her chicks as well. I'm grateful to you, you know."

"Not to sound flippant, but I am not sure what you are talking about, Napoleon."

"It was Tri that drew attention to there being a problem in Aunt Amy's apartment. He was apparently emitting a screech as only a Siamese can and when they couldn't get an answer at the door, the building manager called for help. He knew Aunt Amy always answered her door promptly. When they broke in, they rushed her to the hospital and called me. If Tri hadn't alerted them, I wouldn't have gotten the chance to say goodbye to her. This is already hard enough, but I can't imagine how much worse it would be if I hadn't been able to be holding her hand when she passed."

"Tri could not have asked for a better owner."

#18 - 1982 - A Hand Up

"I cannot stretch any further, Napoleon. Can you reach my hand?"

Digging into the crumbly soil with his left hand, the brunet again stretched up as far as he dared with his right.

"No good - about four inches short. I can't hang on much longer."

"Do not give up - I have an idea."

"I hope it doesn't involve a long trip."

"All right - let us try this again. I have the belt looped through the buckle around my wrist so that I will not lose my grip. I fear that is the best I can do."

"It's more than I had a minute ago, chum."

Gripping the end of the belt, Napoleon twisted his right hand to make sure his hand wouldn't slip before risking letting lose of the ledge with his left hand and grabbing the belt above his other hand,

"I just hope the cow your belt came from had a thick hide."

"A bit more - catch onto my other hand."

"Got it!"

"I have you, my friend. Catch your breath and then we will both bid this area farewell."

"I certainly won't miss it."

#19 - 1983 - Honest Opinion

"Hey, Illya - would you give me your honest opinion of what I'm wearing?"

"You are asking me for fashion advice?"

"Shockingly enough, yes. What do you think?"

"How honest are you looking for me to be?"

"That bad?"

"Dare I ask who dressed you?"

"I suppose you could say Tammy did."

"The woman you saw last week?"

"Yes. I'm seeing her again tonight. The jacket and tie were a birthday present from her."

"While you generally do look good in navy blue, I cannot say that the yellow paisley pattern on it is in line with your usual style. Most especially when paired with a polka-dot tie. If she is looking to deflect the attention of other women away from you, I would say that she is doing an admirable job."

"That's what I was afraid of."

#20 - 1984 - Caution

"Napoleon! Do not take another step and do not move."

"What is it?"

"I heard a very distinctive click when you took that last step."

"A pressure plate?"

"I believe so. Hold very still while I try to see if I can deactivate or circumvent it."

"Not my idea of a good time, but since blowing up is even less fun, I will do what I can to stay still."

"Can you glance over your left shoulder without shifting your weight?"

"I believe so. Okay, what am I looking for?"

"If that window was opened, do you think you could get through it in 60 seconds or less?"

"It sounds like I might have motivation. No disarming the explosive, I take it?"

"There is a secondary trigger that was activated when you stepped on the plate. I could possibly disable one, but not both."

"Right. Well, get the window open for me and get through it yourself. I'm going to be going for speed, not finesse."

"That is an excellent plan."

#21 - 1985 - Validation

"Hold on, Napoleon. We are about to find out how fast this boat can go."

"Not that I'm not in a hurry to be away from that particular THRUSH island myself, chum, but why the extra rush?"

"No time to discuss it. Find anything you can to make a screen for us. A tarp or blankets. Quickly."

Not questioning the urgency plainly heard in Illya's voice, Napoleon went below deck and grabbed a folded tarp. He still wasn't sure why he was using it to block off the view behind the ship's wheel, but Illya was close to panic and his partner was not the sort to panic.

"Hurry, Napoleon and when you have finished, come next to me, but sit on the deck."

Scrambling to finish, Napoleon was in the process of sitting when bright light illuminated both sides of the boat as if an extremely high-powered search light had been trained on the boat. Illya dropped to the deck beside Napoleon, grimacing.

"Hang on as best you can. We are likely in for a very rough ride. I only hope we stay afloat."

The words had barely left the blond agent's mouth when the boat was suddenly and violently tossed like a hurricane sprang up out of nowhere. Napoleon was suddenly very sympathetic to his partner's seasickness and, in fact, joined him in heaving over the side of the boat when it finally calmed down again.

Glancing back in the direction they had come from, Napoleon gasped and then threw up again.

"A mushroom cloud . . . those idiots have a nuclear bomb on that island?"

"Had a nuclear bomb. I think it is safe to say there is no long a bomb there. Possibly no longer an island either considering the size. It is time we were gone. We must take advantage of the small window of time before the radiation comes down and warn Headquarters of what has happened. Planes and ships must avoid this area for a time."

"Good thing that island was pretty far off the major shipping routes to begin with then."

Swallowing hard, Napoleon looked back once again at the cloud, which was starting to disperse. Illya was still green, so Napoleon took over piloting the boat. Taking a shaky breath, Napoleon glanced over to Illya.

"That really just happened, didn't it?"

"It really did."

#22 - 1986 - One Person Can't Guard the Front and Back doors at the Same Time

Both agents studied the building from behind the cover of a fence across the street from it.

"No telling which way they'll come out. You take the front door and I'll go around and watch the back."

"A good plan with one tiny problem, Napoleon."

"What's that?"

"There is also a side door."

"Where?"

"Come over to my position and you can catch a glimpse of it."

"Okay - slight variation. You take the front, I'll take the back and on the way to the back, I'll see if I can do something to block the side. If I can't, we'll both try to keep an eye on it as best we can."

"As good a plan as we can manage without backup."

"Which isn't going to get here anytime soon, I'm afraid."

"Needs must when the Devil drives, my friend."

"Do you have a saying for every occasion?"

"No, but my babushka did and I paid attention."

#23 - 1987 - Alibi

"Janna, you know I wouldn't have missed our date without a good reason."

"Hmph. I heard that the 'good reason' was another woman."

"Illya, would you come here for a minute?"

"Yes, Napoleon. What do you need?"

"Would you mind telling Janna that I was not with a woman last Friday?"

"But you were, Napoleon."

"I knew it! Who was she, Illya?"

"Why, April, of course. She, Mark, Napoleon and myself were together last Friday doing a job for Mister Waverly."

"See, Janna?"

"I'm so embarrassed, Napoleon. Forgive me for doubting you?"

"Of course. Just a silly misunderstanding. Could I take you out this Friday night to make up for missing last Friday?"

"That would be lovely. And again, I'm sorry."

"See you on Friday. Come on, Illya. I'll buy you lunch."

"Now that she is gone, what was all of that about, Napoleon?"

"I goofed and forgot I had a date with Janna last Friday night.'

"Friday night? But our assignment was over with by 6 o'clock."

"She didn't ask when other than Friday, right? Not asking you to lie, but unless she comes back and asks specifically about Friday evening, don't bring it up yourself, please?"

"So long as she does not ask, I will not tell."

"Thanks. I owe you."

"You are welcome. I will remember that."

"I have no doubt."

#24 - 1988 - Floatation Device

"I know it is difficult, Napoleon, but try to relax. I have you."

"Sorry, I know you do, but I don't like having to rely on anyone like this."

"Understandable, my friend, but I cannot keep both of us afloat and pick the locks on your shackles at the same time. We must wait until we can either find something to float for us or until we are found. Hopefully by our side and not THRUSH."

"These chains are heavy - how long do think you can keep us above water with them dragging on us?"

"As long as I must, Napoleon."

#25 - 1989 - Extra Reach

"Can you get to it yet, Napoleon?"

"Almost, but not quite. Darn handcuffs are getting in the way. Maybe if I was at a slightly different angle?"

"Would standing on me make enough of a difference?"

"It might, but I hate to step on you like that."

"No helping it. With my wrists cuffed behind me, it is all that I can offer and a little discomfort is nothing compared to the chance of possibly getting out of here before our tormentors return."

"Well, when you put it that way - brace yourself, chum. I'll pay for a session with a masseuse for you when we get back."

#26 - 1990 - Company

Napoleon only hesitated for a moment before bypassing the security codes that he knew as well as his own. Opening the door and entering the dimly lit room, he closed the door behind him before calling out.

"Illya?"

"You do not need to babysit me, Napoleon. I am fine. Or will be."

"I know you will be and I'm not babysitting. I'm going to hang around, share a drink or two with a friend and we'll listen to music or talk or just stare at Wellington the Third until he hisses at us and goes to hide in the closet."

"I did not snicker. That was a cough."

"Sure it was."

#27 - 1991 - Ego-Boost

"Didn't work out with Katarina, partner?"

"No. I was not her type."

"Really? What's her type?"

"She has a dislike for men who have an accent."

"You're kidding."

"Do I look like I am joking?"

"Her accent is easily twice as thick as yours."

"That did not escape my notice. I presume that was her variation of letting someone down easily."

"Sounds like she's nuts to me. You can do better, Illya."

"Thank you for the vote of confidence, even if misplaced."

'"Hardly misplaced. Just ask the secretarial pool."

#28 - 1992 - Drinking

Illya entered the room as quietly as he usually did. Part of him was worried about how much Scotch that Napoleon might have already drank, but from the look of the bottle, his friend was more inclined to look at the liquid in his glass than drink it. His voice was soft, but strong.

"I was wondering where you had disappeared to, tovarich."

"Alexandria needed to speak to someone who would understand. She said to tell you that the funeral will be two days from now - family only. She also said to tell you that you and I are family as are April and Mark. How are you feeling, Napoleon?"

"Numb. It isn't as if we weren't aware that Misses Waverly's health was deteriorating or that Mister Waverly wasn't getting any younger, but I never saw this coming."

"I was told that sealed envelopes were left that were addressed to us, but I suspect that what they say will be similar to the one Alexandria received."

Grabbing the bottle he knew was in the freezer before settling into the chair across from Napoleon, Illya gave a very soft sigh.

"Remember earlier this year when we attended Mister Waverly's hundredth birthday party?"

"I do. He seemed in excellent spirits - well, except for a headache."

"That headache did not improve and Mister Waverly went to his physician, who in turn sent him to a specialist. The headache was being caused by a brain tumor and, at Mister Waverly's age, there was no viable treatment. When he went back for another examination last month, the tumor was showing signs of aggressive growth. Alexandria believes it was the doctor's assertion that he should be admitted to a care facility that led to their decision."

Looking away from Napoleon to a painting on the wall that had been a gift from the Waverlys, Illya drew a deep breath.

"They had known one another for eighty years. When neither was given a prognosis for living much longer, I cannot find fault that they chose their own way to leave this world or that they chose to face it together inside their own walls rather than among strangers."

Finally taking a sip of his drink, Napoleon nodded slightly.

"Knowing why? I can't say it makes it any easier, but I understand. They both did things under their own terms their whole lives."

After another sip, he cleared his throat.

"I'd like you to work with me for a memorial service. Tomorrow, maybe we should drive over and see if Alexandria could use a hand with the final arrangements."

"I believe she would appreciate the support. As to the arrangements, she said that everything was quite thoroughly spelled out for her as to what they had already taken care of and what they wanted."

"Sounds like the two of them did their usual thorough job of preparing for their final mission."

"It does at that."

"Did she say where they'll be buried?"

"There was an underground vault built that their flower garden was established over. Their coffins will be placed inside of it. Which reminds me that we have also been requested as pallbearers."

Napoleon remained quiet as he watched Illya pour a drink for himself. Then he held up his own glass.

"A toast. To Alexander and Millicent Waverly. We will not see their likes again."

"May they gain peace for the good they have wrought and forgiveness for the ways they had to use to accomplish it."

"Amen."

#29 - 1993 - Pooling of Talents

"Somehow, this profession seemed to have more dignity when the THRUSH installation was underground or on a desolate island. Breaking into the studio of a fashion designer is not something I would put in my memoirs."

Napoleon gave Illya a pat on his shoulder as he passed behind him on his way to a chair.

"I know, I know. Are we all in agreement that the answers we need are probably in that locked filing cabinet in her office?"

Giving an emphatic nod, April tapped one well-manicured nail on the blueprints spread across the table.

"I've been undercover watching her long enough to know she's too much of a control freak to have the paperwork too far away from her fingertips."

Mark nodded as well.

"I second April's opinion on that, Napoleon."

"Mark and April agree - how about you, partner? Forgetting the dignity angle, care to make it unanimous?"

"If not in the filing cabinet, then they will be somewhere else in her office. So I agree that we much search it. The question is, how do we arrange to do so?"

"I hesitate to mention this with dignity already being in question, darlings - but she did mention that she'd like live performers at her next fashion show. Sort of like the Everly Brothers, but cheaper to hire."

"Let me guess, luv - you're thinking of Illya and myself applying?"

"With Napoleon acting as your agent. He could smooze Miss Sinclair as the two of you perform and I could do a quick search of her office while you three keep her distracted."

"Much as I hate to say it, that is likely as good a plan as we can come up with on short notice."

"Agreed. Can you put the wheels in motion tomorrow, April?"

"As good as done. I'll tell her I heard this pair perform at a friend's party."

"They never warn you about this sort of thing at Survival School."

"It's not cost effective to have everyone bail out."

#30 - 1994 - Loans

"Illya? You've recently had your annual physical, right?"

"If you ever bothered to read the many reports you ask me to write for you, you would already know this."

"Don't be a smart-aleck. I read so many reports, I forget who wrote what."

"Very well - yes, I had my physical. Why is this suddenly of concern?"

"Because of this. Here."

"A check? What is this for?"

"That's to cover all those IOUs for the money you've lent me over the years."

"After around thirty years, you have decided to settle up? You are not ill yourself, are you, Napoleon? Not putting your affairs in order?"

"No, I am not putting my affairs in order. Just seemed like a good time to get my debts out of the way."

"Whatever the reasoning, thank you. This will enable me to make a down payment on a little island in the Caribbean."

"Har har."

#31 - 1995 - Covering the bases

"Let's go over this one more time."

"Certainly. After a hundred times, what is one hundred and one?"

"Give me a break, Illya. I know we've gone over this a lot, but I simply want to make sure that we have every contingency covered."

"Between the two of us, we have come up with and devised a plan for a large number of contingencies, but I doubt anyone would be able to come up with every variable that might arise."

"I guess I'll have to settle for covering the majority then."

"That is truly all that anyone could do, Napoleon."

#32 - 1996 - Meals

"I wonder how many meals we've had together over the years?"

"Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Always reduce things to numbers?"

"I don't do that. Do I?"

"You always seem to wonder how often we have done a thing. For myself, I tend not to remember how often but rather how enjoyable something is."

"Does me doing that get on your nerves?"

"Not really. I have grown to consider it one of your idiosyncrasies."

"So I don't get on your nerves any more?"

"I did not say that. Being woken up at 3 am for a philosophical question is one of your less charming habits, but as we are rarely around one another at that time of day any longer, even that is not truly a concern. Let us phrase it that you no longer get on my nerves as much as you once did."

#33 - 1997 - Consultant

"Illya! Just who I was looking for!

"Why do I feel I should turn around and make a run for the door?"

"Now, now - nothing like that, chum. I merely need you for a consultation."

Illya followed along as Napoleon led them to a more private area.

"Exactly what did you want me to consult about?"

"This might sound peculiar, but do you think I should have cosmetic surgery?"

The room went silent as Illya stared at Napoleon. Finally Illya found his voice, but his incredulous tone told more of his opinion than his words did.

"Why would you even be thinking of such a thing?"

"It was mentioned that I'm starting to look a bit old for the job."

"While it is true that you have just turned sixty-five, you are hardly ready for the pasture. Besides, if I may be frank, have you taken a good look at some who have undergone that sort of procedure? Many of them lose all character from their expressions. Surely you do not wish to look like a department store manikin?"

"You're right. I don't. Thanks, Illya."

"Any time. Oh, if you change your mind and decide to go through with it, please let me know so that I will not accidently shoot the strange looking man sitting in your chair."

Napoleon started laughing then.

"Get out of here, you smart-aleck."

#34 - 1998 - Encouragement

"I don't know if I can go through with this."

"Napoleon, you have faced down mad scientists, crazed THRUSH chiefs and even the occasional irate secretary. You will be fine."

"What if she says no?"

"If you never ask, you are saying no for her. Remember our conversation of many years past? You have sighted your unicorn. You will never know if you could have caught it if you never try."

"If she says yes, I expect you to be my best man."

"And I would be honored. But first, you must ask."

"You're still good at pep talks."

"Only when I mean what I say. Audentes fortuna adiuvat, my friend."

#35 - 1999 - Jokes

"Ah, come on, Illya. That was funny. Admit it."

"I cannot say that I found it humorous, Napoleon. I think it is perhaps the language barrier."

"Your English is excellent. I don't see how that would affect your sense of humor."

"And your Russian is better than most, but when we saw a Russian comedian together, many of his jokes were lost on you."

"I can't argue that, but I'm not sure why. I mean, a joke is a joke, right?"

"Yes and no. Remember my reaction to the movie where there was a pie fight?"

"I remember. You not only didn't laugh, you were horrified by the blatant waste of food. I guess a lot of humor is pretty subjective."

"Possibly more of a cultural barrier than a language one."

"I think you may have something there, pal."

#36 - 2000 - Mental Health

"How long do you think we've been in here?"

"All time seems the same in the dark, Napoleon. Does it matter?"

"I suppose not. Not knowing bugs me though."

"Try not to dwell upon it too much, my friend. Do something to take your mind off of it."

"Something else, hmm? I guess we could sing."

"If you start that bottles of beer song, I will not be held responsible for my actions."

"Hey, you're the one that suggested I do something."

"Try to think of something that will improve your mental health without destroying mine."

"Charades?"

"In the dark?"

"Good point. Twenty questions?"

"Why not?"

#37 - 2001 - Security

"Try and get some rest, Napoleon."

"They could be on top of us at any moment."

"True. Or they may not show for hours. I am not the wounded one. Rest. If I hear or see anything, I will wake you."

"Are you sure?"

"You will be of much more use to me after you have slept for an hour or two."

"Alright. You win, but if you start getting sleepy?"

"I will wake you. I have your back, Napoleon."

"I know you do."

#38 - 2002 - Shared loads

Illya entered the office quietly, finding Napoleon standing in front of the newly installed real-time map of the world, trouble spots illuminated with an array of colors depending on the severity and the cause. Napoleon knew he was there though and began speaking without turning around.

"How did he do it? How did Mister Waverly sit in this office for all those years without the weight crushing him? I can even see now why he was so fixated on the budget. A hundred dollars spent toward a situation here? No noticeable change. A hundred dollars spent on a situation in this area? Could turn the tide. But I can't simply stop putting money toward the first one because then the situation might backslide."

Illya glanced at a folder still resting on the desk. From the color coding, he could tell it was an expense report. He could make an educated guess as to which team it was from.

"Allow me a moment of conjecture. Perez and Kent have recently completed a mission. They turned in their expense account and when you were reviewing a questionable reimbursement request, you heard Mister Waverly's words coming out of your mouth."

Despite his mood, Napoleon laughed.

"You know me all too well, you know that?"

"You hold a great deal of respect for how Mister Waverly was able to manage. How is it a bad thing to realize that you picked up some of the lessons he had to teach you without your conscious knowledge? Perhaps Mister Waverly was so thorough in reviewing your expense accounts because he knew that one day, that burden would be yours and he wanted to impress upon you the importance of it."

Napoleon looked into Illya's eyes.

"It's been ten years now that he's been gone. I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling like a kid that's snuck behind his father's desk and waiting for him to walk back in at any moment?"

"It has been a stressful week, Napoleon. You need to recharge your batteries. For tonight, you will call in your very capable CEA to hold down the fort as she has done many times in the past. Then you and I will go somewhere we can find good food and music."

"That sounds sinfully indulgent. Thanks - you're right. I need to take a step back and breathe."

"I cannot remove the load from your shoulders, but I will continue to do my best to take some of the weight."

"Spasibo."

#39 - 2003 - Sometimes You Just Need More Hands

"This is crazy, Illya. We should be running."

"We are not as fast as we once were and even if we were, we could not possibly run away fast enough, Napoleon. This is our only hope and I cannot disarm this by myself. Now, pull the red and white striped wire slowly to the left. A bit farther - perfect. Hold it right there. Now use your other hand and take over holding the hatch open for me."

"This is very awkward."

"More awkward than blowing up?"

"Point taken, but please? All due haste."

"I will work as efficiently as possible, my friend, but haste is not our friend in this case. I need to isolate the wire I must cut first or I will only hasten our demise and that of everyone in a mile radius."

". . . . did you say a mile?"

"Da. That is why I said running was not an option. Almost ready. If you have last words, now would be the time."

*snip*

"Wow. That was . . . really anti-climatic."

"You would have preferred an explosion? Granted, it would have been spectacular, but we would not have had much opportunity to admire it."

"No, no. Anti-climatic is fine with me, chum."

#40 - 2004 -Teacher

"I must admit that I don't comprehend a great deal of what occurs in a ballet. Think you could give me a crash course in the basics?"

"Since the need for such knowledge would rarely come up on the job, might I assume that a date is involved?"

"You may so assume. Well?"

"Ballet is much like opera, my friend. The difference is that between singing the story or telling it through movement. To get the most enjoyment from it, read or listen to the story it is based on first. It will make it much easier to interpret the dance. Which one are you taking her to see?"

"We're going to a production of 'Giselle'. I've got to admit, I don't know the story."

"A rather sad story of a love triangle. Giselle is a peasant maiden born with a love of dance, but a weak heart. A local man wishes to marry her, but she is already in love with a stranger to the area. The local man suspects his rival to be of noble stock and manages to reveal Giselle's love to be not only a Duke, but one who is already engaged. Giselle is devastated and her heart gives out as she dances to express her grief."

"That is pretty sad."

"That is only the first act, Napoleon."

"Tell you what - tell me the rest of the story over lunch."

#41 - 2005 - Chauffeur

"I really hate having to be driven around everywhere."

"I know, Napoleon. You have stated such every day since your foot was put into that cast. Would you rather try to ride the bus with that on?"

"No, I wouldn't. Sorry. I've been more than a little grumpy and taking it out on you."

"You are not taking it out on me. You feel the need to complain and I am the handiest set of ears is all. You have done the same for me in the past and will doubtless do it again in the future."

"I appreciate it and I'll try not to unload too often."

"If I am to be honest, I would prefer that you, as you say, unload a little at a time than keep it in until you explode. Besides, once you get to the point where your foot is less painful, your temper will improve."

"Small doses of venting until that happens then."

"I think that will work best for us both."

#42 - 2006 - Stating the Facts

"I can't believe she played me like that. I'm slipping, Illya. I wouldn't have fallen for that we were still in the field."

"Napoleon, my friend? That was forty years ago and, in those days, it seemed every female wanted to be at your side. She made you remember those days. I doubt another trying the same ploy will be successful."

"You mean she treated me like I was still young, suave and handsome and had me eating out of her hand like an idiot."

Illya sighed as he leaned against Napoleon's desk.

"Did she make a fool out of you? Yes, but not to the extent that she wanted. Once questions were raised, you saw what she was doing and, more importantly, were not too proud to ask for help when it was needed. But listen to me - youth? Yes, that has fled for us both. However, you are still a suave and handsome man, just one with vast experience to draw on in place of youthful vigor. Women in their twenties may not appreciate such things, but let us be honest and say that conversations with ladies in that age bracket are rarely satisfactory."

"I'm not always after conversation, Illya."

"After all these years of knowing you, that is hardly news. But shift your focus to ladies fifty and over. I think you will find that any number of them also appreciate things beyond conversation. And even better, they are more likely to enjoy the same sorts of music and dancing that you do."

Finally breaking out of his mood, Napoleon chuckled.

"What would I do without you, tovarich?"

One thing that hadn't changed over the years was the sly smile Illya gave in return.

"Truly, it does not bear thinking about."

#43 - 2007 - Friendship

Sitting back in his seat as their empty plates were cleared from the table, Napoleon looked over at the blond sitting across from him. He mused how it was odd that now Illya's hair had grown darker with the passing of years while his own was now silver with touches of dark rather than the dark with touches of silver that it had been when he'd taken over Section I.

Illya picked up his glass and took a sip as they waited for their desserts to arrive.

"You seem not to be fully with me tonight, Napoleon. Have you finally grown bored of my company?"

The question was in jest and Napoleon chuckled at it as he shook his head.

"No, I was just contemplating some of the physical changes we've both gone through since we left the field. How many years has it been now?"

"You are approaching your twenty-fifth anniversary of being in the chair. We now have agents who were not born before you took command."

"Gee thanks. That really makes me feel older."

"I did not realize you were looking for the fountain of youth, my friend."

"Oh, I'm not. Not really. You know, this wasn't something I expected when Mister Waverly introduced us."

As he spoke, the waiter arrived with their after-dinner cups of coffee and two plates of Baked Alaska. Illya waited until the waiter left again.

"What was unexpected?"

"This. Us, I mean. I was expecting a partner I might work with for a few missions. Not a best friend."

"Can anyone expect a best friend or is it something that simply happens if it is meant to be?"

"Are you saying it was destiny?"

"Do you have a better word for it?"

"Not really. I guess destiny works fine for me too."

#44 - 2008 - You Can't Always Reach Where You Need a Band-Aid

Burrowing his face into his pillow, Napoleon managed to muffle most of what might have been termed a whine. Illya reached up a rested a hand on his partner's arm.

"I am sorry, but the dart they hit you with is barbed. There is no way to removed this that will not hurt."

Napoleon took a deep breath to compose himself, then glanced over his shoulder.

"Go ahead. This is karma paying me back for snickering at you over that skunk incident."

"You promised not to mention that again . . . but you may be right. Brace yourself."

"HOLY . . .! What the hell did you just do?"

"I made use of a little vodka to sterilize the area. And removed the dart while I was at it."

"It's out?"

"It is. Now, hold still while I clean and bandage it."

"Think the motel will notice if I take one of these pillows to cushion my ride home?"

"No need. I will buy one."

"Very generous of you."

"My pleasure. Besides, it will make an interesting notation on my expense report."

#45- 2009 - Double date

Illya watched as Napoleon adjusted his cufflinks for the fifth time.

"I'm not so sure this is a good idea."

"As many times over the many years we have known one another that you have coerced me into a double date so that you could get to date a lady, I believe that you owe me this."

"Fine. I'll go. Does she at least speak English?"

"Some. Her French is better than her English, so you have one language in common at least. Here they come now. Your date is the one to our left."

Napoleon put a smile on his face before turning to look. Not that either woman was unattractive, but the one to the left was a real beauty. She reminded him slightly of Jane Seymour, only with pale blonde hair.

"Holy . . . Illya, that woman needs no help finding a date."

"I do not recall claiming that she did. But she is new to this country and a little shy."

His smile looking far more genuine, Napoleon started forward to greet the ladies.

"Always glad to help a friend out."

#46 - 2010 - Guide

"I thought I knew Paris very well, but I've never been in this section."

"It is not exactly an area that would draw tourists. I discovered it while I was a student. The freedom to go where I pleased was rather intoxicating and led me to explore more than most. Rue de la Huchette is one of the oldest streets. I was told that while the name has changed over the years, the street itself likely dates back to 1200."

"We're treading along the same path that others have traveled for over 700 years? Wonder why I never came this way?"

"Possibly because you heed the siren's call of women while I heeded another siren's call."

"Is that jazz I'm hearing?"

"It is. I wanted to introduce you to my favorite spot from my days living here. Caveau de la Huchette. The building is over 300 years old, but the jazz club came along in just 20 years ago."

"New kid on the block, eh?"

"I suppose it could be viewed that way. I know that jazz is not your favorite -"

"Say no more, chum. I've asked you about your past, so I'm not about to turn down a chance to get a look at part of it. Seems a little empty though."

"This is not the attraction, Napoleon. Follow me downstairs."

"Whoa. I never would have expected this - the place is packed! And they have dancing as well?"

"They do indeed. All ranges of ages as well, which is one thing I like in particular."

"Live music and dancing? Sounds like we have the potential for a great evening."

#47 - 2011 - Advisor

Napoleon flipped through several folders, frowned, flipped through them again then sighed and dropped them into a pile. Illya glanced up from the research report he was reviewing.

"What is bothering you, Napoleon?"

"These new teams aren't meshing as well as I expected them to from reading their performance reports."

Closing his own folder, Illya slid his chair back.

"Come then, let us go take a look at these agents in person. Perhaps have them do a workout together while we observe."

"Kind of like how Mister Waverly came down and watched me and you go at it on the mat?"

"That had crossed my mind. If the teams need to be adjusted, that is not truly a thing to worry about, is it? I seem to recall rumors that you went through more than your share of partners."

"There is a bit of truth to those rumors. I suppose it doesn't matter how long the process takes so long as the right team is together at the end of it."

"That is how I would advise you to consider it. After all, where would either of us be now had Mister Waverly given up?"

"An excellent point to remember. Come on, let's round them up."

#48 - 2012 - Movies

"How many movies have we gone to over the years?"

"I did not realize I was supposed to be keeping count, but quite a few. You have pulled me to every Bond movie ever made plus many of those you called 'B-movies'. Which reminds me, why is it that you do not take any of your ladies to the movies?"

"I do, but when I take a lady to the movies, I never get around to watching the movie itself."

"That is as much detail as I need to know, thank you."

#49 - 2013 - Confiding

"So that was the reason seeing her made me react that way."

"Understandable, Napoleon. I would offer you another drink, but it appears we emptied the bottle. Coffee?"

"What time is it? Good Lord - it's past midnight. When did that happen?"

"Sometime after eleven, I expect."

"Smart-aleck. Seriously though, I didn't mean to keep you up all night with my problems."

"You have listened to my problems more than once, Napoleon. There are few people that you and I could confide in and even fewer that we would."

"That's true enough. Only someone that has led the kind of life that we have can really understand it."

"Having someone to confide in that you can trust with your confidences - it is one of the advantages to having a partner."

"I guess it is at that."

#50 - 2014 - Reminiscing

"Why are you staring at the calendar, Napoleon?"

"Hm? Oh, I wasn't really staring at the calendar, chum. I just happened to be looking that direction while my mind wandered."

"At your age, you should be wary of letting your mind wander. It might forget the way back."

"The years haven't changed your dubious sense of humor."

"Or your lack of appreciation for dry wit. Is it the passage of years that you have been contemplating, my friend?"

"Admittedly so, tovarich. Hard to believe it's been over fifty years since you and I were first partnered by Mister Waverly."

"Time does admittedly fly when one is dodging bullets, cars, and the occasional bomb."

"We made a good team."

"We did. And we still complement one another, I think."

"You know, I fought pretty hard against having to have a partner. I didn't like the feeling of having to be responsible for anyone other than myself out in the field."

"What changed your mind?"

"Mister Waverly. He told me I was looking at it all the wrong way. And he was right - as he so often was. I still don't feel like I've ever really filled his shoes."

"Your successor will likely feel the same way about filling your shoes when their time comes. Which I hope is not for many years to come."

"Scary thing? I'm older now than Mister Waverly was when we started working for him."

"To be truthful, I never thought we would live so long, Napoleon."

"To be equally truthful back? Me neither. Quite frankly, I would never have made it this far without you."

"My lifespan would also have been much shorter if not for you."

"Shall we have a toast, tovarich? To beating the odds?"

"To partners."

"I'll drink to that."