A/N: Hey, foetuses! My dear friend Fetus Llama Farts and I present to you another utterly nonsensical fic, which began when she came over to my house to 'do her English assignment'. Enjoy!

- Janine

An Exotic Birthday Gift

A collaboration between Fetus Llama Farts and Janine (see profile)

Marty McFly felt very sophisticated on his birthday and felt he had to dress like a fancy player. As he went through his morning routine, he thought of his one and only girl, Yagz. He wore a purple suit with a leopard print collar shirt underneath, a pimp/player hat to go with it and black fancy shoes. He decided to have jelly as a sort of side dish with his breakfast.

He then set out to his girl's house to see if she was willing and ready with his present for that night. On his way there he found a stray orange tabby cat in a box on the side of the road. Marty thought the kitty was 'oh so cute' and decided to pick him up. The kitty was reluctant at first but eventually stopped fighting against him (but not without giving Marty a few scratches along the way).

As he was walking to his love's house, he saw some teenage girls gaze, giggle and smile at him as he walked past. He felt proud, as he was getting young female attention, and decided to strut, though he forgot where he was going because he wasn't paying attention. The cat tried to facepaw but it didn't work out, as he got a claw in his eye.

Because Marty wasn't watching where he was going, he bumped into a giant cane and landed flat on his bottom as the kitty escaped. Marty took no mind to the kitty and rushed to the bathroom, his face red with embarrassment.

As he ran inside, he noticed two guys with tutus on, who were looking at themselves in the mirror. One wore glasses and had two moles, one underneath the other, below his eye on the left side of his face. He had a tube of red lipstick in his hand but had no sign of the substance on his lips or anywhere else visible. The other had a chicken-butt hairstyle with a fringe and was holding mascara and eyeliner. He also had no sign of either of these beauty products anywhere visible.

Marty asked them what they were doing but they responded with death glares and then returned to looking at themselves. He then asked if he could borrow their beauty products, politely of course, and they decided to do his makeup for him even though Marty did not want it for himself.

About an hour later, he walked out dressed up in Lolita clothing, complete with a poufy black and pink dress with lots of lace and ribbons, stripy pink and white stockings with matching shoes, a powder blue parasol and multi-coloured hairpieces bunched into pigtails. He beamed brightly at a couple of old ladies peering out of a second-storey window who gaped at the sight of him. "Good morning, madams!" he greeted them with a wave. They shot alarmed looks at him and immediately disappeared from the window, pulling the curtains shut with such force that they almost ripped.

Eventually, after half an hour of pleasant strolling through the neighbourhood, he arrived at Yagz's cute little cottage, which had been modelled after that of the evil witch in Hansel and Gretel. He rang the cupcake-shaped doorbell and waited, whistling and doing a little tap dance on the doorstep.

The door opened, revealing a brunette girl with big brown eyes and very long and curly eyelashes. Said eyes widened in surprise as she saw him dressed up ever so tastefully. Her mouth opened and closed several times, but no words came out. Marty chose to take this as shock from being hit in the face with his expert charisma and pushed his way into the cottage.

"Um, Marty," she protested, finding her voice at last when he had already disappeared into the homely living room. "Are you okay?"

He turned as she ducked though the low doorway after him. "Why do you ask?" he said blithely, grinning at her. It was a shame that he wasn't a girl, as his attire matched the delightful furnishings of the room perfectly, and he looked almost pretty with the layers of makeup on his face. But maybe the purple eye shadow was a bit excessive.

Yagz was glancing around the room, looking everywhere but at him. "Well," she began hesitantly, "you know." After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, she threw her hands up and exclaimed, "All right, stop with the joke already! You're freaking me out."

Marty stared at her, flabbergasted. "What joke? I'm dead serious here." As if to prove his point, he struck a pose that would have been seductive if Yagz had been into guys cross-dressing in Lolita outfits. Which, of course, she wasn't.

Yagz looked genuinely terrified for his sanity now. "Marty, please. What are you doing? Marty –" She sprang forward and caught hold of his arm.

"I'm here for a celebration. What were you hoping for?"

Yagz stared at him, her eyes becoming rounder and rounder. "Oh! It's – I'm so sorry. Um – happy birthday . . .?" She trailed off uncertainly.

"That's more like it." He grinned manically, grabbing her shoulders and steering her into the tiny kitchen. With one swift motion he lifted her onto the hard, red candy counter and observed her for a moment, stroking his chin thoughtfully. Then he strode purposefully to the sink, poured her a glass of fizzy soda from the tap, and dumped it all over her. Yagz gasped in shock.

"What was that for?"

"You needed some accessories," he replied offhandedly.

"Marty –"

"Hang on. Just a sec." He wrenched open the refrigerator door and pulled out a large bowl of enchanted orange jelly. As Yagz cried out in horror, he tapped it three times with his finger and it immediately swelled to twenty times its original size. Unable to hold its weight any longer, he let it drop to the floor and turned to Yagz with a triumphant look on his face.

"Marty, please –"

He climbed onto the counter and pushed her headfirst into the giant bowl. She only had time to shriek once before her mouth filled with jelly, and she floundered about for several agonising moments before managing somehow to surface and gasp for breath, shaking clumps of wobbling jelly out of her hair.

"Get me out of here!" she panted, trying to doggy paddle to the side of the bowl. There was nothing she could get her grip on.

Marty had jumped in beside her and had no difficulty whatsoever moving around the bowl, even in his many layers of heavy fabric and frills. He swam contentedly through the slippery mass of orange, stopping occasionally to slurp up some jelly and lick his lips with relish.

"Oh, please, please get me out!" Yagz was screaming, thrashing about and sending bits of jelly flying everywhere. "Please, I'll do anything!"

"Just a bit longer, honey," said Marty, wading up to her and patting her on the head. "Isn't this fun?"

"Are you out of your mind? Of course not!" By now Yagz seemed close to tears.

"Hmm." Marty regarded her thoughtfully. "Well, it's about to be fun. Right now." With that, he grabbed her arm so quickly that she didn't even have a chance to scream, and pulled her under.

A couple of hours later, Marty dragged a barely conscious Yagz out of the bowl, cleaned both of them up and carried her up to bed. When Yagz woke up several days later, she assumed the bizarre jelly experience had been a particularly absurd dream, and wondered vaguely if she had drunk too much milk before going to sleep. Marty, horrified at what he'd done, went to see a therapist and made sure Yagz never, ever knew the truth of the matter.