Hey guys, honestly y'all are some of the most amazing people ever. Thank you so, so much for all of your reviews y'all are so sweet and you never fail to make me smile! You make writing fanfiction so much fun and that's why I gotta say sorry, cause this one is some serious angst. Sorry! I really wasn't planning on writing this, but I started writing and I could not stop. I hope y'all don't mind too much!

Summery: Winter is usually her favorite time of the year. She loves the snow and the warmth of the holidays, but with a broken heart and no holiday spirit this year, it's all just frustrating. The fact that everywhere she turns she sees people in love only makes it worse, but can she realize that being in a relationship isn't what makes the holidays so beautiful?

Where are you Christmas?

I'd had enough. If I had to see one more fucking couple holding hands as they casually strolled through the falling snow like they weren't freezing like the rest of us or purposely stop under some mistletoe so they could kiss, well, I was going to rip every strand of my hair out. And If I had to watch them gaze lovingly at each other like the rest of the fucking world did not exist, I was going to strangle myself with those strands.

Christmas was usually one of my favorite times of the year. I adored winter, preferring the shorter days and longer nights to the rest of the year because it meant more sleep. The snow and cold was just an added bonus, but even I hated the mess it left behind when it melted. And, of course, all the lovie-Dovie-ness that this time of the year seemed to bring out was driving me insane.

What was it with people and this time of the year? Why did being in a relationship seem like such a big deal? Maybe it wasn't that big a deal and I was mistaken, but I didn't think so. After all, it was the running theme for every Christmas movie I'd seen so much so that I'd made a point to avoid those movies altogether.

Surely, it didn't work like that in real life, right? Two people missing their flight and having to stay in the same hotel or meeting at the same airport a couple times or something didn't indicate the beginning of some epic romance. People certainly didn't fall in love because they both were at a coffee shop and had ordered the same drink and then went to get it at the same time and their hands touched when they went to grab the same cup sparking some kind of connection, right?

Oh, don't get me wrong. I believed in connections like those, I knew they existed. I believed in sparks flying when you touched someone too. Hell, for a while, I had lived it. But, if two people who had loved each other so much and had had a connection so strong that they could always tell what the other was feeling and, were so comfortable around each other that they were contented to just be together no conversation needed could just fall apart because one of them fell out of love with the other one, then what was all this nonsense about coffeeshop and airport romances? I mean, come on, it was insane. Totally, utterly insane. And yet.

And yet I couldn't help but wonder what that must be like. Could it really even be possible? I couldn't help rolling my eyes at my own stupidity, because of course it wasn't possible-that kind of love sure as fuck did not exist, at least not in real life. Real life was hard and complicated. Real life made a mess of things that were honestly pure perfection because real life couldn't let people be happy for too long. Real life was nothing but an absolute bitch.

And on that note, I walked into my apartment and slammed the door behind me shutting out the rest of the world. Inside was quiet and still, a far cry to the world outside. And even as I let out a relieved sigh, some part of me knew I was wrong. I knew that kind of love did exist. The problem was maybe it wasn't meant to last. That was the only explanation I could come up with for why Dimitri and I had broken up this summer.

He and I had been together for 3 years, and as stated before we had been madly in love. We weren't perfect, far from it, but we were perfect together. The chemistry had always been strong between us right from the second we met. The problem was long distance relationships were hard and could become exhausting. That kind of thing could end up putting a strain on a relationship no matter how much you tried to keep it from happening. I'm not saying long distance relationships couldn't work, they could, but sometimes, the distance just became too much. That was perhaps why it hadn't worked out between us. It was probably why his feelings for me had changed.

As for me, did I still love him? Yes, absolutely. With every fiber of my being. I was just as in love with him now as I had always been, but I loved him enough to understand that people changed. As hard as it was to accept, things changed and sometimes they just didn't work out no matter how much you wanted them to. Did that cold hard logic make it hurt any less? Of course not. I still missed him every single second of every day in spite of the friendship we'd kept. My heart still ached, and though people were always quick to say that time would heal, this was an ache I was certain would never truly go away if at all.

And as could be imagined, due to this, I had no holiday spirit this year. This was why the cold and snow which usually I found so beautiful was just kind of frustrating. Not even the longer nights made me feel better about it. Not this year. Those longer nights meant I had more time to overthink. Even with the physical distance that had been between Dimitri and I, he was the one person aside from Lissa, my best friend that I felt closest too. And, even though I knew skype calls and texts didn't compare to physically being with him, being on a skype call with him use to chase away the cold and make these longer nights go by in a blur.

This was why every couple I'd just passed on my way home had made me want to pull out my hair. I was jealous of what they had because I knew exactly what it was like to have that. Every romantic Christmas movie was like a knife to the heart. Perhaps that was why despite my love for the season, there were no Christmas decorations in sight. Not in my apartment. I'd tried, but the thought of putting up that tree took more energy than I had these days. So, I'd given up and just left everything as they were. And seeing as how Christmas was rapidly approaching and the tree had yet to go up, I didn't think that was going to change anytime this year. And honestly, I can't really say I minded.

Sighing, I dumped my purse and keys on the coffee table and trotted off to the kitchen once I'd taken off my coat and boots. I poured myself a shot of vodka, downing it and flinching at the burn of the alcohol as it went down, but I was pouring another one in the next instant. All of that took place in about 3 seconds flat. I needed to get out of my head. I needed to stop thinking. I'd been here enough times and more often than I would have liked to admit in these past months to know that this would do the trick.

It took a good few shots of the burning amber liquid, but with every shot I took the burn became less and less noticeable and perhaps most importantly every shot quieted my racing mind. Nothing would or could ever completely push Dimitri out of my mind, which, truth be told was fine-that wasn't my goal here, but thinking of him no longer hurt as much as it had moments before. That might have been because I was tipsier than I'd thought, or because the alcohol was just numbing my feelings. I couldn't be sure. At least that was what I thought until my phone rang.

"Are you crazy, Liss?" I said to Lissa, the aforementioned best friend when she informed me that she would be by to pick me up in the next 30 minutes to take me to a holiday party. In all fairness I had been avoiding such parties, something she knew and respected even if she didn't like it, so I shouldn't have been surprised that she was giving me so little warning now.

"Yes," She said. "But so are you and I need you to not bale on me for this so I can't give you too much time." I rolled my eyes at that, but like I said before, I understood and couldn't blame her. I knew she wasn't asking me to just any Christmas party either. This was her parent's Christmas party, a yearly occurrence and a charitable event. And seeing as how her family was as good as mine what with the life-long friendships between our parents, saying no was out of the question. And maybe I was drunker than I'd thought, because suddenly I didn't want to say no.

"I'm not trying to bale, Liss," I said. "But I'm going to need more than thirty minutes. I literally just walked in the door." She certainly didn't need to know that I'd actually walked in about 5 minutes ago and had spent that time drinking.

"Fine," She said. "Text me when you're ready."

"Oh, damn you look stunning," I said 45 minutes later as I jumped into her car grateful to be out of the cold. The pale pink dress she wore didn't exactly scream Christmas or anything, but with her pale skin and platinum blond hair, well, she looked a lot like a doll. That platinum blond hair was pulled up into some fancy up do who's name I didn't know, but a few strands framed her face. Her makeup was light playing up her already flawless skin, her eyes an almost shimmery green, her lips a glossy pink. Chunky-heeled black boots, gold earrings, gold bracelets and her usual locket with its dragon engraving studded with jade stones hung around her neck on a gold necklace and her engagement ring completed her look.

"I can say the same," She said flashing me a grin. "You sure clean up well when you want to." That I could believe, because I had put some effort into my appearance tonight. I wasn't really sure why I'd done it, but it had gone a long way with improving the dark mood I'd been in. The silk black dress clung to every one of my curves, the black boots with its damn near 6-inch heels making my legs look longer than they were and giving my 5-3 height a much-appreciated boost. Most of my long, dark hair was left down tonight, the usually natural waves falling down my back and around my shoulders in perfect curls. A few strands were braided to form sort of a crown and was held in place with silver pins. Like Lissa, I'd chosen light makeup, which only enhanced my natural features. Dangly silver earrings, a silver chain which held my nazur, a pendent which looked like an eye and was a gift from my mother, and my chatki-a cross between a bracelet and rosery which had been a gift from Lissa completed my look.

"Where's your boyfriend tonight?" I asked finally noticing Christian's absence.

"He's coming with Tasha," She said and there was no missing the way her eyes softened or the way her face lit up as I mentioned her boyfriend.

Christian and Lissa had gotten together in the freshman year of high school and had been inseparable ever since. Even when Lissa had sank into that really bad depression a couple years ago, he had been by her side and had refused to let her push him away like she'd tried to do. A couple months ago, he'd finally proposed and, of course, she'd said yes. I was happy for them, but I felt a stirring of that earlier ache in my chest. I tried to push it back. This was my best friend. Hell, she was as good as a sister to me, I had no business being jealous of her happiness. Not when she deserved every bit of good this world had to offer. I knew it wasn't that I was jealous of her exactly, rather of the love she'd found with Christian, but still I didn't like feeling that way.

Luckily, pushing down those feelings became easier when Lissa pulled into her parents' yard. The place looked like literal actual elves had gone to work on it. Tinsel and streamers were everywhere, as well as inflatable Santas and reindeer and everything in between. Hell, I even spotted fake snow-not that that was needed with the real snow that had coated everything in a blanket of white, but seeing as how it'd only started snowing earlier and I knew they'd been at this decorating thing for hours, I couldn't really blame them. I saw mistletoe too and very nearly rolled my eyes. It seemed there was no escaping that plant.

Everything was lit by the glow of millions of sparkly Christmas lights. It was honestly kind of magical, and the fact that I could smell hot chocolate and eggnog as well as cookies only added to the whole theme of this place. My stomach growled. If there was one thing the Dragomir's were good at, it was cooking. Not that that was the only thing they were good at, god knew these people were good at a lot, and as amazing as the food around here was, it didn't compare to the amazing people who prepared it. Eric and Rhea had always been great people and they had raised their kids to be the same. They were the kinds of people who though they were rich always remained humble. They were some of the most down to Earth people I knew and were always more than happy to give back to society. Maybe it was because they'd had to work for their wealth.

"Wow," I said staring around in awe. Lissa giggled from beside me, her face alight with that Christmas cheer I was missing this year.

"I know, right?" She said. "I'm not sure but I think they might have gone to the north pole for all of this." Her words were so in line with what I'd just thought that I couldn't help but giggle with her. And ok, being surrounded by this glorious display did make my heart melt a little. I did feel a bit of that warm fuzzy feeling this time of the year tended to bring out stirring. It was nowhere near its usual intensity, but it was definitely something considering that until now, I'd felt nothing at all but annoyance and frustration.

But what can I say. Even though these past couple of months had been some of the darkest ones of my life, my dark moods weren't able to persist in the face of this kind of epic display. That didn't mean I wanted to run home and put up my tree or anything, and I wasn't naive enough to think I'd found some magical cure for my moods, but at least in this moment I felt better than I had in quite a long time. And as more and more people started arriving, most of them friends and family of Lissa and I, I felt that feeling intensifying. Being surrounded by all of these people, and all of the kids running around, kids who weren't as fortunate as others reminded me of just what the holidays were about. Their eyes were alight with happiness as they received gifts from Santa and I could hardly believe how selfish I had been.

So, what if I was single? Why did that matter? It didn't I realized. I mean it wasn't like I was the only single person in the entire world. I was one of many and that was ok. Maybe somewhere in the future Dimitri and I would be able to work it out, but at least right now we still had a beautiful friendship. At least I got to keep him in my life, and that was a hell of a lot more than I could've said about my other exes.

At least right now, I was here, surrounded by all of my friends and family. I was lucky enough to be able to celebrate with all of them. How many families were incomplete this year? How many people weren't able to come home because of work or financial difficulties or death? How many people were braving this winter on the streets because they had nowhere to go? Too damn many, I decided and, in that moment, it really hit me. In the grander scheme of things, my problems were small. I realized just how incredibly grateful I was for this moment and for the people around me. Because, god knew, it honestly could have been a hell of a lot worse.

"Little flower," Adrian, one of the previously mentioned exes said walking up behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist. "Thank god you're here, I wasn't sure if you would be." I flashed him a grin over my shoulder.

"You know I couldn't miss this; Rhea and Eric would kill me if I did." He chuckled and ruffled my hair.

"True," He agreed. "But your parents probably would've gotten to you first though." That, I had to admit was the actual truth. Mine and Adrian's relationship had ended ages ago, and until Dimitri he was the only one of my exes, I'd stayed friends with. That was mainly because flirt that he was, Adrian Ivashkov had no interest in women. We'd been together while he was still figuring himself out and I'd held no grudge when he decided that he wasn't actually bi like he'd thought but gay.

"So," He continued. "Now that you're here, want to go grab a drink with me?" I nodded and let him lead me to the open bar. It wasn't long until our other friends joined us and, that was kind of how I spent the rest of that night. Laughter and conversation surrounded me long after most of the party guests had left. Food and drinks were everywhere, and I indulged in everything, the food just as amazing as I'd expected it would be.

By the time Lissa drove me home, it was the wee hours of the morning. I was also kind of drunk, and perhaps that was why when I crawled into bed, I called Dimitri. I'd forgotten all about time zones and stuff, but he answered on the second ring. Thankfully, he didn't sound sleepy or anything, and I launched into a whole rant about how grateful I was for him. He listened patiently until I was done even though I knew my words were slightly slurred and I sounded choked up because of the tears that burned my throat, but Dimitri didn't seem to care about any of that. When I was done, I returned the favor as he told me how much I still meant to him-how much I would always mean to him. I closed my eyes as he spoke, letting his voice soothe me into sleep for the first time in a very long time. And if I were being honest, it was the best sleep I'd gotten in a while.

Well, there you go my lovelies. I hope you enjoyed it! And honestly to anyone who isn't really in the holiday spirit this year for whatever reason, here's a reminder that it's going to be ok. That no matter how bad it seems right now, it always, always gets better. I know that's not always easy to believe, but find one thing. One thing to be grateful for, one thing that's beautiful to you and I promise you'll see that I'm right. All it takes is one tiny spark of hope you guys. I love you all remember to take care of yourselves this season!

And on that note, I'll see you next time. Hopefully soon I'm off to go work on your prompts now! Thanks for those by the way, feel free to send in some more! Though really you'd think I'd learn to make these shorter so I can write more but oh well.

XXX

Roza