let it go – the

smashed word broken

open vow or

the oath cracked length

wise – let it go it

was sworn to

go

Chapter 7: Let It Go

"I don't know what happened, Edward," Bella groaned. I couldn't help but feel a little giddy, hearing my name come out of her mouth. "It's like these past few months have been a blur. And even before that, it's so fuzzy..." Her face was scrunched in determination, bottom lip pulled between her tweet. She would have given herself a headache if it was possible. Then again, the impossible was happening.

We had been sitting on the couch, discussing possibilities, for what seemed like forever. I had explained all that being a vampire usually entailed, from feeding to the Volturi. Bella was taking everything so well, better than I or any other member of my family had. She was completely understanding, asking polite questions and seemingly not at all distressed by our situation.

"So, we can assume that you were changed and left in the forest right after. But why..." There would be no answers for us just sitting in this house, especially without Alice. Bella seemed to read my mind.

"We're not getting anywhere. How about you?" She peered at me shyly from behind her silky hair. I fought the urge to twist the locks between my fingers and just gaze into her face.

"I'm have no idea." I truly was at a loss. It was like I was a newborn again, with no control over my power and no idea how to use it.

"What's it like, anyhow?" She still looked embarrassed to be asking personal questions of me, she had shrunk into the couch and pulled into herself like she had before. I had hoped we could've moved past the uncomfortableness she had felt around me, around all of us.

"Well it's not how it sounds, that's for sure," I chuckled darkly, "mind reading is certainly a misnomer. Thoughts aren't concrete sentences like a novel. They're abstract, and it takes effort to interpret them accurately. Humans are easier, they're brains are more simple, usually focused on what they see at that moment. But our minds can have dozens of trains of thought at once."

Bella was nodding along, completely understanding of what I was explaining. Her eyes were brown again, and I had theorised that they, too, reflected her mood, just in different colours than mine did.

"And what was it like, just now?" Her brows pulled together, creasing her forehead in deep thought.

"Honestly, it was as if I, too, were a newborn again. It was all of the voices yelling in my head, questioning me through thought, but also their own interpretation of the situation, along with dozens of other thoughts. I couldn't block it out, or even tune it out." Bella leaned toward me and placed her soft, warm hand over mine. I hadn't even realised I was clenching my fist, but they immediately unfurled under her delicate touch. I wanted to keep her hand on mine for eternity, but she drew back after a moment.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, voice breaking uncharacteristically. I wasn't sure what she was apologising for, but I fought the urge to wrap my arms around her and hold her to me forever. It was not the time.

"I'm going to have to work to find my control again," I nodded, "it's going to take time, though. Time I'm not sure we have." I mumbled the end more to myself then as a part of the conversation, but Bella's chest rumbled and her posture tightened. I made sure to sit still and not further agitate her, a newborn who had never fed and was likely experiencing greater mood swings than most others would.

"Are you going to send me away?" Her voice sounded small and broken, completely at odds with her growling and aggressive posture. I felt my chest crack open and I steeled myself against the need to comfort her.

"No," I made my voice calm and even, completely at odds with what I felt, "you may, of course, leave whenever you wish. But I would like you to stay for however long you'd like." For forever, I added mentally. I imagined reaching out and cupping her soft cheek, tracing my thumb across her rosebud lips. They would be tender and smooth, and her eyes would meet mine, expressive and dark with need and desire.

I pushed away my inappropriate thoughts, ashamed that I could even entertain them when we were in this fucked up situation. Bella was in no state to be subjected to my impossible delusions. But then she peered up at me from under her thick lashes, dark eyes smouldering me, and licked her lips. I caved.

I leaned towards her, and she seemed to lean closer to me as well. The air was crackling with electricity, and I swear my desire for her was palatable. I kept leaning into her, resting my forehead against her, all thoughts of fighting my magnetic pull to her forgotten. I placed my lips to her, and I could have flown.

It was unbelievable. Her lips were warm and soft and pliable under my own, and I sighed into her mouth. She tasted better than any blood I had ever consumed, she tasted like life.

I was shocked away from her when she made a noise, a little cry fell from her mouth. I had hurt her! I had moved too fast! She wasn't even interested in me, how could she be. She literally just found out she was a vampire, and here I was attacking her.

I flew to the other side of the couch, jaw clenched in shame. Bella looked distraught, her eyes were darker and her brows were pulled up in concern. I held my head in my hands, pulling my fingers through my hair. Carlisle's thought fell into my head, then faded away as he moved. Their thoughts were ebbing like a tide as they paced the perimeter of my gift. I still couldn't find anything to shield them out.

"Are you okay?" Bella asked softly, moving closer to me on the couch and touching my hand with hers again. I hated myself for causing her pain, and here she was, trying to comfort me.

I flipped my hand over and laced her fingers in mine. Her skin was gorgeous and flawless and made me feel whole again. I completely forgot that she had asked me a question until she repeated it.

"Are you?" I asked, avoiding the question. I wasn't okay, not even a little. This amazing, kind, gorgeous woman was stuck in this house with me, a monster.

Edward, Alice whispered from far away. Her consciousness was streaming into mine, and there was nothing I could do. I closed my eyes for a moment, and she left.

"What was that," Bella asked breathily, squeezing my hand.

"A mistake," I replied darkly, letting my shame slip into my voice. Bella sighed again, likely agreeing with me. If Jasper were here, I was sure he could tell me concretely that she pitied me and my desperation.

I rose from the couch, pulling my hand from hers. I didn't deserve her touch, didn't deserve even her sympathy. The sooner we could fix everything, the sooner Bella could escape me.

"I'm going to think on this," I said, "you're welcome to anything in the house. Make yourself at home." I made my way upstairs to the piano, so much had happened in only a day and I needed to work it out. Even through the constant barrage of thought, the keys on a piano made sense, a simpler language of expression than words or thoughts.

I pressed the keys, moving through my repertoire, everything from Debussy and Schumann to Sarah McLaughlin and John Lennon. It was then, while my fingers were flying through Aufschwung, that it finally came to me. I really couldn't hear Bella's thoughts.

"A shield!" I exclaimed. I heard a noise from the corner and turned to see Bella sitting in the corner of the room, knees in front and sitting on the heels of her feet. She jumped up when I looked at her, eyes wide and brown like a deer caught in the headlights.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to overstep," her voice was shaky again.

"No, it's fine. You would've heard the music no matter where you were in the house. No matter, you're a shield!"

"I'm a what?" She raised her brow and gave me a weird look.

"Your gift. I'm a mind reader, but you're a shield," I explained, "it must be why I can't read your thoughts. And it's clearly powerful. I'm sure you could manipulate it, you could shield me and anyone else you want to."

Bella looked taken aback, like she hadn't even thought of it. We could do this together. I hadn't mastered my own mental gift once upon a time, even if something snapped and I couldn't anymore. Bella's couldn't be so different, there was likely something in her that she could focus on and pull out. If i could explore her thoughts, perhaps I could find something about her past she had repressed. It wasn't like it was a selfish purpose and I just wanted to look into her thoughts, not entirely.

"I'm going to make a decision to go get Carlisle for his expertise. Alice will see it and send him so I don't have to go out," I explained. I knew it had worked in a moment when I heard Carlisle approaching, and his thoughts not fading away like they usually did. The pressure grew in my head, and Bella came and sat next to me on the piano bench. I allowed a momentary fantasy involving her and the piano, but pushed it out to try and focus on ignoring Carlisle's inner monologue.

He was thinking of my shield theory and how to get Bella to manipulate hers, he was thinking of my power and lack of control, and always of Esme. He was also thinking of Alaska and the girls in Denali, of how he had heard Kate had mastered her power through physical threat.

My chest hurt and I felt a growl rip through it as I thought of Bella being hurt in any way, but that pain was minor in comparison to the growing pressure in my head. It was akin to diving down to a thousand feet with no equalisation- my head would have exploded if it was possible. My vision went black and I felt Bella's hand on mine again, anchoring me to this world.

Carlisle entered the room swiftly, but I couldn't discern any concrete ideas from his thoughts anymore, it was just random words yelling at me.

"Is he going to be okay," Bella asked. I had no way to respond, I was completely occupied trying to block out Carlisle.

"Yes. He was like this in the beginning of his existence as well. I think it would benefit him greatly if his theory proved true and we could figure out how to use your gift." Bella and Carlisle continued to discuss my theory, with Bella saying she had no idea where to even start.

I could tell Carlisle was still struggling with the other aspect of her ability. Though my eyes were closed, I could see Bella through his eyes. She was wearing the same clothes and had the same mannerisms, but she looked exactly like Esme, caramel hair replacing Bella's mahogany. It was unsettling to say the least. Bella's hand wasn't anchor enough. I felt myself slipping, caving into the pressure in my head. I needed to remedy it before I began tearing at my skin again.

I opened my eyes slowly, trying to focus my eyesight. Bella was there, not Esme, and she was involved in an in depth discussion with Carlisle that I couldn't hear over his thoughts.

Her eyes were the entire world. They were that beautiful chocolate brown again, the colour of the earth and my universe. Her gaze flickered over to me, and her lips turned up into a soft smile. She was still talking to Carlisle, but I could tell her focus was on me. She was enrapturing, easier to focus on than picking out concrete ideas from Carlisle's loud thoughts or even shielding him from my mind entirely.

"Yes, Alice says Kate is on her way with Tanya. She says it will work out. They'll be here in the early afternoon," Carlisle said.

Bella squeezed my hand, and I felt Carlisle leaving. The further away he got, the better I felt, and the pressure was slowly dissipating, replaced with a burn in my throat.

Perhaps watching me hunt would trigger something in Bella.

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. This is just a way for me to avoid studying.

...