Disclaimer: Last time. Don't own LoK. Don't own LoK characters
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[Previously on It Started With A Trial...]
/Flashback/
(Raziel went over to Kain)
Raziel: Kain, I got you a present.
Kain: (PO'ed) WHAT!?
Raziel: (giving Kain his present) Here.
Kain: (looking at the present) DUMAH, I LOVE YOU!!
/End Flashback/
[The setting is an abandoned parking lot and Kain was staring at his gift. His gift was a key. And the key led to the place that was next to a parking lot. It was a theme park]
Kain: This is like, uber-kickass! I uber-love theme parks and ever since I filmed Blood
Omen 1, I've ALWAYS wanted my own theme park!!
Raziel: So, I take it you like my gift?
Kain: (to Dumah) I DO!! I LOVE IT!!
Dumah: Geeheehee.
Raziel: Aw damn it Kain!
Zephon: I love theme parks! But I once had a traumatic experience.
Rahab: When?
Zephon: Well, I was in this place and clones of me were everywhere. Whenever I done
something, they would copy me just to annoy me!
Turel: Um...
Zephon: WAIT! IT GETS WORSE! Then I got frustrated and punched one, but it hurt me
instead. I think it hurt him too because we punched each other's fists!
Melchiah: I have the answer for th-
Zephon: AND THEN! And then they were all around me! They had surrounded me! And
they still mocked me! I fainted from panic. To this day, I still haven't figured out what
happened.
Raziel: Ahem, Zephon, I can tell you.
Zephon: (in hysteria) CAN YOU!? CAN YOU REALLY!?
Dumah: No he can't. Hey Zephon, do you like the House of Mirrors?
Zephon: Yeah, I think so. And it's strange, but my evil cloned followed me into the
House of Mirrors. It was strange. But yeah, I like those places.
Dumah: (evil grin) (to Zephon) Wanna join me in the House of Mirrors?
Zephon: YAY! I wanna!
Rahab: (to Kain) What are you going to call this place?
Kain: Kain's Park O' Torture!
Turel: Lame name.
Kain: But suiting. You see, take that ride when you get into a fake space ship and the
mechanism swings you in circles.
Turel: And...
Kain: When it's a full speed, I'll detach the space ship and send it flying! Mwahahaha!
Dumah: Hey, are pets allowed?
Kain: Only one's that are...intemperate.
Dumah: Yay! Here Bloodthirsty Demon!
(then his maiming bird, Bloodthirsty Demon, came)
Dumah: Good Bloodthirsty Demon!
Kain: And what else can I do?
Moebius: (who had somehow sneaked up on them) Yo' homeboys, what'chas up to?
Kain: (irritated sigh) What are you doing here?
Moebius: Checkin' out this new place o' yo's. It looks tight.
Turel: Moebius, what the hell is wrong with you?
Moebius: I'M A RAPPER FOO'!
Turel: You pathetic bastard...
Moebius: So let's get dis straight, you ownin' a theme park Big Daddy K?
Kain: Yes. Oh! You guys know those rides where you sit in those spinning cups!?
Raziel: Yes.
Kain: Well, I'm gonna make them spin 130mph and then detach them and kill people!
Moebius: Yeah, dat's da stuff I'm talkin' bout!
Kain: Mwahahahahahahahaha!!
Melchiah: Oh, I wanna go on the ferris wheel! I love ferris wheel!
Rahab: Yes, they are quite extraordinary.
Moebius: Yeah, dis stuff is the tight stuff 'ere!
Turel: For the love of Elder God, shut up Moebius.
Moebius: Wha? Do you know who you MESSIN' WITH!! DO YOU KNOW FOO'!!
Kain: ENOUGH! I just wanna enjoy my theme park! Let's go ahead and let people in!
[6 hours later no one has come in]
Kain: Well why the hell is that?!
(because you're in a run-down park with no way of anyone knowing you're here!)
Kain: Oh yeah!
(then Kain goes to the ticket booth and calls for his lieutenants. Rahab and Melchiah
come with cotton candy, Turel comes, Razzyboy looks bored, and Dumah is dragging
Zephon's unconscious body)
Kain: Razzyoby, what's wrong?
Raziel: I'm bored.
Kain: I hate Razzyboy. (sees Turel grinning) You sure look pleased Turel.
Turel: I found a karaoke machine.
Kain: Oh my lord no.
Turel: Yay! (starts singing) Everybody have fun tonight!
Everybody have fun!
Everybody-
(then Kain punches him and looks at Dumah and Zephon)
Kain: What's wrong with Uber-Idiot?
Dumah: (evil grin) I took him to the House of Mirrors!
Kain: (patting Dumah's head) You're a good boy. Much better than RAZIEL!! Raziel so
totally SUCKS when compared to you Dumah.
Raziel: I'm just gonna go crawl up into a corner and cry somewhere.
(then Raziel leaves and Moebius and Magnus steps up)
Moebius: Yo' 'omeboy dis place has got it goin' on!
Kain: I think I'd rather have Raziel here than you Moebius.
Raziel: (from far away) Really!?
Kain: (to Razzyboy) No, not really!
Raziel: (from far away) NOBODY LOVES ME!!
Kain: (looking at Magnus) What're you doing here?
Magnus: MAGNUS IS HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT A FANFIC THAT MAGNUS HIMSELF IS
WRITING!! IT'S CALLED "I LOVE MEAT!" AND YOU NEED TO CHECK IT OUT!
Kain: Right...
Magnus: (looking at Melchiah) THAT GUY LOOKS KINDA LIKE A CHICKEN! MAGNUS
LOVES CHICKEN!
Kain: No Magnus, I need him right now.
Magnus: EAT MORE CHIKIN! LIKE ON CHICK-FIL-A SIGNS! MELCHIAH-PERSON KINDA
LOOKS LIKE A CHICKEN!
Kain: He isn't.
Magnus: ARE YOU SURE? MELCHIAH-PERSON HAS DETACHABLE LIMBS LIKE CHICKEN!
Kain: He's not a frickin' chicken!
Melchiah: That rhymes!
Kain: Shut up!
Magnus: MAGNUS RESPECTS KAINKAIN AND ALL, BUT MELCHIAH-PERSON LOOKS
LIKE CHICKEN! HE EVEN HAS APPATIZING CHICKEN LEGS AND CHICKEN BREASTS!
Dumah: Chicken breasts? Oh, I'm gonna remember that one.
Melchiah: Hey hey hey!
Magnus: MAGNUS THINKS MELCHIAH-PERSON HAS YUMMY CHICKEN THIGHS! YUMMY
CHICKEN LEGS AND YUMMY CHICKEN BREASTS! KAINKAIN, CAN MAGNUS EAT
MELCHIAH-PERSON ANYTIME SOON?
Kain: No! No no no no no no no no no no! Magnus cannot eat Melchiah-person at all!
Magnus: FINE, THEN MAGNUS WILL LEAVE! BUT DON'T FORGET TO READ MAGNUS'
FANFIC STORY AND REVIEW PLEASE!! I'LL BE EATING YOU LATER MELCHIAH-PERSON
SO BYE FOR NOW!
(then Magnus runs off)
Melchiah: That guy scares the hell outta me. I really think he wants to eat me.
Kain: Well, don't worry because...he does, so I guess you should worry.
Moebius: Yo', so when we gonna open up dis place, dog?
Kain: How about you STOP BEING AN IDIOT MOEBIUS!
Moebius: Hey hey hey! I'm no idiot you foo'! I'm da leadin' white rapper, so deal wid it!
Turel: I know a lot about music, but Moebius IS NOT a rapper! I bet he can't even spell
rapper.
Moebius: Of course I can foo'! It is spelled R-A-P-E-E-R! What an idiot you are my
stupid vampiric brudda!
Turel: That's not how you spell rapper you moron! Die!
(then Kain holds them apart)
Kain: Stop your stupid lady cat-fights! What's important here is getting my park open!
Turel: But Moebius started it!
Moebius: You foo'! Dat Turel punk started dis!
Kain: WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!?
Turel: ...
Moebius: ...foo's.
(then Zephon regains consciousness)
Zephon: (sees Kain starring at Turel and Moebius) A starring contest! Cool! I go against
the winner!
Kain: Shut up Zephon! We're trying to find a way to get my park running!
Zephon: How, by starring at Moebius and Turel? That's an odd way.
Kain: I really hate you Zephon.
Raziel: (walks back to the lieutenants) I've got an idea.
Dumah: Well, what is it crybaby?
Raziel: First, I'd like to say this. (then Raziel punches Dumah in the face)
Zephon: (to Raziel) That's not saying something; that's doing something! Idiot!
Raziel: (stares at Zephon like Zephon's an idiot, then) And second, we need to promote.
Kain: What?
Raziel: You see, if we promote the park, people will come, you will kill them, and we'll
have a yummy feast.
Kain: Good idea Razzyboy.
Dumah: (in pain) Don't you mean 'Good idea Dumah?'
Kain: Oh yeah, I do. Good idea Dumah.
Dumah: (wicked grin)
Raziel: (punches Dumah's face again)
Kain: But what are we gonna promote?
Raziel: We will promote Kain Presents: Soul Reaver 1!
Kain: Really good idea!
Dumah: (still in pain) And we can also have Marcus promote us! Marcus rules!
Kain: Shut up Razzyboy!
Raziel: I sometimes hate you Kain.
Turel: I could sing for the people!
Kain: How would that help?
Turel: If a sing something truly beautiful and classy, we'll attract classy people and get
more money!
Kain: Good idea!
Moebius: I could sing!
Kain: Shut up, you're stupid!
Turel: (using most beautiful singing voice and standing outside the park in the streets)
I don't feel a thing
and I stopped remembering
The days are just like moments turned to hours
(a large crowd has turned up and are paying)
Mother used to say
if you want, you'll find a way
Bet mother never danced through fire shower
(a bigger crowd)
Walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain
I walk in the rain, in the rain
Is it right or is it wrong
and is it here that I belong
(then Moebius throws a rock upside the back of Turel's head, pissing off the people who
were listening to Turel)
Moebius: Boo!! You suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!
Turel: (PO'ed) I'd like to see you do better!
Moebius: Fine! I will!
(Moebius steps up)
Moebius: Ladies and gentlemen, I shall sing for you!
Zephon: You already suuuuuuck!!
Moebius: (with an old crackling voice) I will sing to you the famous classical song
entitled YMCA.
Turel: Moebius is the most insulting singer since the band Toto.
Moebius: (in old crusty voice)
Young man, dere's no need to feeeeel down
I sade, young maaaan, peeeck yo'self off da ground
I sade, young maaaan, 'cause yo're in a new towwwwn
Dere's no need to be unhappy
(the crowd starts informing Moebius that he sucks-horribly)
Moebius: (old crusty voice)
Young maaaan, dere's a place yo can go
I sade, young maaaan, when yo're short on yo're dough
You can stay ere, and I'm sure yo will find
Many ways to have a goood time
(then Moebius starts to run in circles and waving his big hands in all sorts of directions
while hopping and giggling like an idiot)
Moebius: (in cheerleader-like happy voice)
It's fun to stay at da YMCA!
It's fun to stay at da YMCA!
Raziel: That's it! I can't take anymore of this!
(then Raziel steals a gun from...somewhere and shoots Moebius in the ass)
Moebius: (high-pitched voice) (he's stopped dancing) Someone shot ME IN MY ASS!
OWWWIE!
Crowd: Yay!
Kain: Okay, if you people liked that, you'll get better stuff in my park!
Crowd: Yay!!
(so the crowd rushed in only to find that everything was closed and there was no key to
unlock anything with, they were disappointed and ran out)
Kain: (while banging his head against a wall) I hate Nosgoth. I hate Nosgoth. I hate
Nosgoth. I hate Nosgoth.
Rahab: Um Kain...how are we gonna open things up?
Kain: (looking at Rahab) WELL THAT'S FINE! YOU FIND A WAY! THAT'S FINE! I'M
GONNA GO TO A CORNOR AND CRY SOMEWHERE! (then Kain storms off)
Rahab: (sighs) There's always gotta be a problem.
Dumah: I know! I'll punch the closed doors open!
(so Dumah goes to a ride, but the old wooden door is in the way. Dumah rears back his
fist and punches the door with all his might. Rahab watches)
Dumah: ...
Rahab: The doors still completely attached.
Dumah: (twitches eyes)
Rahab: Something wrong?
Dumah: OWWWWW! I THINK I BROKE MY PINKY! OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!
Rahab: Hehehehehehe!
Dumah: (holding his hurt hand with his good hand) I think I broke something. I think I
broke my frickin' hand! Owies, it hurts! And it burns! I think I broke something.
Rahab: Hahahahaha!
Dumah: I'll beat you up! Give me your best shot!
(then Rahab punches Dumah's broken hand)
Dumah: Ow! Hahahahaha, that really hurt!
Rahab: Yeha, it's funny when people get hurt!
Dumah: Yeah! Hahahahaha!
(then Dumah punches Rahab and Rahab punches Dumah's broken hand)
Rahab: Hahahaha!
Dumah: (while laughing) That hurt like hell! Hahahahaha! You got a good shot there!
Melchiah: (sees what's going on) Dumah is such a retard.
(Raziel walks over to a corner to see Kain rolled up in a ball)
Raziel: You okay.
Kain: I hate everyone.
Raziel: C'mon Kain, think! If you think, you'll find a way to open this place up!
[6 months later]
Kain: (still in his corner with Razzyboy beside him) Nope, ain't think of nothing.
Raziel: Oh.
Kain: THIS SUCKS!
Raziel: Yeah, it sure does.
Kain: You know what? Screw this! SCREW THIS PARK!! Dumah, come here!
(then Dumah, who's wearing a cast, comes to Kain)
Kain: Dumah, YOU SUCK! THIS GIFT IS A PIECE OF TRASH! I HATE YOU SO BADLY
DUMAH! I'M SO PISSED AT YOU!
Dumah: Don't you mean you're pissed at Razzyboy?
Kain: No, I'm pissed at you! Dumah you stupid idiot!
(then Kain punches his broken arm)
Kain: How do you like that!
Dumah: (while laughing) It's funny when people get hurt! Hahahaha! You got me good!
Kain: You stupid freak! Come Razzyboy, you will now help me make my movie! Screw
this stupid gift that my least favorite son Dumah gave me! Follow me my favorite son
whom is named Raziel!
(then Kain leaves)
Raziel: (to Dumah) Hahahahaha! I as the best, you are the worst!
[6 months later, Kain and the lieutenants and Moebius are in Hollywood filming their next big movie]
Kain: (talking to a reporter) Well, we have a higher budget for Kain Presents: Soul
Reaver 1, so more special effects will be use, like me eating a CG hotdog.
Reporter: Can we get a cast?
Kain: Not quite yet. I'm also gonna get some big names to help with production, like
the kind of things that happen behind the scenes.
Reporter: Like who?
Kain: I've been surfing the net and some famous people will be in. I've selected some
people called 'authors' to help with behind the scenes stuff.
Reporter: What happened to your theme park?
Kain: That SOB DUMAH IS STUPID! Enough said!
Reporter: Well, we can't wait to see it. Are you worried about your competition?
Kain: What competition?
Reporter: The film "Still Can't Catch Me" by Marcus.
Kain: I'm not worried! Marcus is stupid!
Reporter: Do you think everyone's stupid?
Kain: Yes. Now go away. You're stupid too!
(then Zephon walks up)
Zephon: Hey, can I reprise my roll as Ariel. As you know, dressing like a woman can be
a very zen-like experience.
Kain: Yes you can.
Zephon: Yay!
Reporter: This is Dean Earwicker signing off.
Kain: Good, get outta here you freaks! People, get ready for Kain Presents: Soul Reaver
1! I'm so cool.
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Well, that was the last chapter. Soon you will be able to look forward to not 1, not 2, but 3 new LoK fics from me! One is the long-awaited sequel Kain Presents: Soul Reaver 1. The second is called "I Love Meat" which is the fic that Magnus made, so expect tons of spelling errors. The third is another Kain Presents, but it isn't a parody of an LoK game. Well, hope you had a good Christmas and you can look forward to more new fics from me soon.
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[Previously on It Started With A Trial...]
/Flashback/
(Raziel went over to Kain)
Raziel: Kain, I got you a present.
Kain: (PO'ed) WHAT!?
Raziel: (giving Kain his present) Here.
Kain: (looking at the present) DUMAH, I LOVE YOU!!
/End Flashback/
[The setting is an abandoned parking lot and Kain was staring at his gift. His gift was a key. And the key led to the place that was next to a parking lot. It was a theme park]
Kain: This is like, uber-kickass! I uber-love theme parks and ever since I filmed Blood
Omen 1, I've ALWAYS wanted my own theme park!!
Raziel: So, I take it you like my gift?
Kain: (to Dumah) I DO!! I LOVE IT!!
Dumah: Geeheehee.
Raziel: Aw damn it Kain!
Zephon: I love theme parks! But I once had a traumatic experience.
Rahab: When?
Zephon: Well, I was in this place and clones of me were everywhere. Whenever I done
something, they would copy me just to annoy me!
Turel: Um...
Zephon: WAIT! IT GETS WORSE! Then I got frustrated and punched one, but it hurt me
instead. I think it hurt him too because we punched each other's fists!
Melchiah: I have the answer for th-
Zephon: AND THEN! And then they were all around me! They had surrounded me! And
they still mocked me! I fainted from panic. To this day, I still haven't figured out what
happened.
Raziel: Ahem, Zephon, I can tell you.
Zephon: (in hysteria) CAN YOU!? CAN YOU REALLY!?
Dumah: No he can't. Hey Zephon, do you like the House of Mirrors?
Zephon: Yeah, I think so. And it's strange, but my evil cloned followed me into the
House of Mirrors. It was strange. But yeah, I like those places.
Dumah: (evil grin) (to Zephon) Wanna join me in the House of Mirrors?
Zephon: YAY! I wanna!
Rahab: (to Kain) What are you going to call this place?
Kain: Kain's Park O' Torture!
Turel: Lame name.
Kain: But suiting. You see, take that ride when you get into a fake space ship and the
mechanism swings you in circles.
Turel: And...
Kain: When it's a full speed, I'll detach the space ship and send it flying! Mwahahaha!
Dumah: Hey, are pets allowed?
Kain: Only one's that are...intemperate.
Dumah: Yay! Here Bloodthirsty Demon!
(then his maiming bird, Bloodthirsty Demon, came)
Dumah: Good Bloodthirsty Demon!
Kain: And what else can I do?
Moebius: (who had somehow sneaked up on them) Yo' homeboys, what'chas up to?
Kain: (irritated sigh) What are you doing here?
Moebius: Checkin' out this new place o' yo's. It looks tight.
Turel: Moebius, what the hell is wrong with you?
Moebius: I'M A RAPPER FOO'!
Turel: You pathetic bastard...
Moebius: So let's get dis straight, you ownin' a theme park Big Daddy K?
Kain: Yes. Oh! You guys know those rides where you sit in those spinning cups!?
Raziel: Yes.
Kain: Well, I'm gonna make them spin 130mph and then detach them and kill people!
Moebius: Yeah, dat's da stuff I'm talkin' bout!
Kain: Mwahahahahahahahaha!!
Melchiah: Oh, I wanna go on the ferris wheel! I love ferris wheel!
Rahab: Yes, they are quite extraordinary.
Moebius: Yeah, dis stuff is the tight stuff 'ere!
Turel: For the love of Elder God, shut up Moebius.
Moebius: Wha? Do you know who you MESSIN' WITH!! DO YOU KNOW FOO'!!
Kain: ENOUGH! I just wanna enjoy my theme park! Let's go ahead and let people in!
[6 hours later no one has come in]
Kain: Well why the hell is that?!
(because you're in a run-down park with no way of anyone knowing you're here!)
Kain: Oh yeah!
(then Kain goes to the ticket booth and calls for his lieutenants. Rahab and Melchiah
come with cotton candy, Turel comes, Razzyboy looks bored, and Dumah is dragging
Zephon's unconscious body)
Kain: Razzyoby, what's wrong?
Raziel: I'm bored.
Kain: I hate Razzyboy. (sees Turel grinning) You sure look pleased Turel.
Turel: I found a karaoke machine.
Kain: Oh my lord no.
Turel: Yay! (starts singing) Everybody have fun tonight!
Everybody have fun!
Everybody-
(then Kain punches him and looks at Dumah and Zephon)
Kain: What's wrong with Uber-Idiot?
Dumah: (evil grin) I took him to the House of Mirrors!
Kain: (patting Dumah's head) You're a good boy. Much better than RAZIEL!! Raziel so
totally SUCKS when compared to you Dumah.
Raziel: I'm just gonna go crawl up into a corner and cry somewhere.
(then Raziel leaves and Moebius and Magnus steps up)
Moebius: Yo' 'omeboy dis place has got it goin' on!
Kain: I think I'd rather have Raziel here than you Moebius.
Raziel: (from far away) Really!?
Kain: (to Razzyboy) No, not really!
Raziel: (from far away) NOBODY LOVES ME!!
Kain: (looking at Magnus) What're you doing here?
Magnus: MAGNUS IS HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT A FANFIC THAT MAGNUS HIMSELF IS
WRITING!! IT'S CALLED "I LOVE MEAT!" AND YOU NEED TO CHECK IT OUT!
Kain: Right...
Magnus: (looking at Melchiah) THAT GUY LOOKS KINDA LIKE A CHICKEN! MAGNUS
LOVES CHICKEN!
Kain: No Magnus, I need him right now.
Magnus: EAT MORE CHIKIN! LIKE ON CHICK-FIL-A SIGNS! MELCHIAH-PERSON KINDA
LOOKS LIKE A CHICKEN!
Kain: He isn't.
Magnus: ARE YOU SURE? MELCHIAH-PERSON HAS DETACHABLE LIMBS LIKE CHICKEN!
Kain: He's not a frickin' chicken!
Melchiah: That rhymes!
Kain: Shut up!
Magnus: MAGNUS RESPECTS KAINKAIN AND ALL, BUT MELCHIAH-PERSON LOOKS
LIKE CHICKEN! HE EVEN HAS APPATIZING CHICKEN LEGS AND CHICKEN BREASTS!
Dumah: Chicken breasts? Oh, I'm gonna remember that one.
Melchiah: Hey hey hey!
Magnus: MAGNUS THINKS MELCHIAH-PERSON HAS YUMMY CHICKEN THIGHS! YUMMY
CHICKEN LEGS AND YUMMY CHICKEN BREASTS! KAINKAIN, CAN MAGNUS EAT
MELCHIAH-PERSON ANYTIME SOON?
Kain: No! No no no no no no no no no no! Magnus cannot eat Melchiah-person at all!
Magnus: FINE, THEN MAGNUS WILL LEAVE! BUT DON'T FORGET TO READ MAGNUS'
FANFIC STORY AND REVIEW PLEASE!! I'LL BE EATING YOU LATER MELCHIAH-PERSON
SO BYE FOR NOW!
(then Magnus runs off)
Melchiah: That guy scares the hell outta me. I really think he wants to eat me.
Kain: Well, don't worry because...he does, so I guess you should worry.
Moebius: Yo', so when we gonna open up dis place, dog?
Kain: How about you STOP BEING AN IDIOT MOEBIUS!
Moebius: Hey hey hey! I'm no idiot you foo'! I'm da leadin' white rapper, so deal wid it!
Turel: I know a lot about music, but Moebius IS NOT a rapper! I bet he can't even spell
rapper.
Moebius: Of course I can foo'! It is spelled R-A-P-E-E-R! What an idiot you are my
stupid vampiric brudda!
Turel: That's not how you spell rapper you moron! Die!
(then Kain holds them apart)
Kain: Stop your stupid lady cat-fights! What's important here is getting my park open!
Turel: But Moebius started it!
Moebius: You foo'! Dat Turel punk started dis!
Kain: WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!?
Turel: ...
Moebius: ...foo's.
(then Zephon regains consciousness)
Zephon: (sees Kain starring at Turel and Moebius) A starring contest! Cool! I go against
the winner!
Kain: Shut up Zephon! We're trying to find a way to get my park running!
Zephon: How, by starring at Moebius and Turel? That's an odd way.
Kain: I really hate you Zephon.
Raziel: (walks back to the lieutenants) I've got an idea.
Dumah: Well, what is it crybaby?
Raziel: First, I'd like to say this. (then Raziel punches Dumah in the face)
Zephon: (to Raziel) That's not saying something; that's doing something! Idiot!
Raziel: (stares at Zephon like Zephon's an idiot, then) And second, we need to promote.
Kain: What?
Raziel: You see, if we promote the park, people will come, you will kill them, and we'll
have a yummy feast.
Kain: Good idea Razzyboy.
Dumah: (in pain) Don't you mean 'Good idea Dumah?'
Kain: Oh yeah, I do. Good idea Dumah.
Dumah: (wicked grin)
Raziel: (punches Dumah's face again)
Kain: But what are we gonna promote?
Raziel: We will promote Kain Presents: Soul Reaver 1!
Kain: Really good idea!
Dumah: (still in pain) And we can also have Marcus promote us! Marcus rules!
Kain: Shut up Razzyboy!
Raziel: I sometimes hate you Kain.
Turel: I could sing for the people!
Kain: How would that help?
Turel: If a sing something truly beautiful and classy, we'll attract classy people and get
more money!
Kain: Good idea!
Moebius: I could sing!
Kain: Shut up, you're stupid!
Turel: (using most beautiful singing voice and standing outside the park in the streets)
I don't feel a thing
and I stopped remembering
The days are just like moments turned to hours
(a large crowd has turned up and are paying)
Mother used to say
if you want, you'll find a way
Bet mother never danced through fire shower
(a bigger crowd)
Walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain
I walk in the rain, in the rain
Is it right or is it wrong
and is it here that I belong
(then Moebius throws a rock upside the back of Turel's head, pissing off the people who
were listening to Turel)
Moebius: Boo!! You suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!
Turel: (PO'ed) I'd like to see you do better!
Moebius: Fine! I will!
(Moebius steps up)
Moebius: Ladies and gentlemen, I shall sing for you!
Zephon: You already suuuuuuck!!
Moebius: (with an old crackling voice) I will sing to you the famous classical song
entitled YMCA.
Turel: Moebius is the most insulting singer since the band Toto.
Moebius: (in old crusty voice)
Young man, dere's no need to feeeeel down
I sade, young maaaan, peeeck yo'self off da ground
I sade, young maaaan, 'cause yo're in a new towwwwn
Dere's no need to be unhappy
(the crowd starts informing Moebius that he sucks-horribly)
Moebius: (old crusty voice)
Young maaaan, dere's a place yo can go
I sade, young maaaan, when yo're short on yo're dough
You can stay ere, and I'm sure yo will find
Many ways to have a goood time
(then Moebius starts to run in circles and waving his big hands in all sorts of directions
while hopping and giggling like an idiot)
Moebius: (in cheerleader-like happy voice)
It's fun to stay at da YMCA!
It's fun to stay at da YMCA!
Raziel: That's it! I can't take anymore of this!
(then Raziel steals a gun from...somewhere and shoots Moebius in the ass)
Moebius: (high-pitched voice) (he's stopped dancing) Someone shot ME IN MY ASS!
OWWWIE!
Crowd: Yay!
Kain: Okay, if you people liked that, you'll get better stuff in my park!
Crowd: Yay!!
(so the crowd rushed in only to find that everything was closed and there was no key to
unlock anything with, they were disappointed and ran out)
Kain: (while banging his head against a wall) I hate Nosgoth. I hate Nosgoth. I hate
Nosgoth. I hate Nosgoth.
Rahab: Um Kain...how are we gonna open things up?
Kain: (looking at Rahab) WELL THAT'S FINE! YOU FIND A WAY! THAT'S FINE! I'M
GONNA GO TO A CORNOR AND CRY SOMEWHERE! (then Kain storms off)
Rahab: (sighs) There's always gotta be a problem.
Dumah: I know! I'll punch the closed doors open!
(so Dumah goes to a ride, but the old wooden door is in the way. Dumah rears back his
fist and punches the door with all his might. Rahab watches)
Dumah: ...
Rahab: The doors still completely attached.
Dumah: (twitches eyes)
Rahab: Something wrong?
Dumah: OWWWWW! I THINK I BROKE MY PINKY! OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!
Rahab: Hehehehehehe!
Dumah: (holding his hurt hand with his good hand) I think I broke something. I think I
broke my frickin' hand! Owies, it hurts! And it burns! I think I broke something.
Rahab: Hahahahaha!
Dumah: I'll beat you up! Give me your best shot!
(then Rahab punches Dumah's broken hand)
Dumah: Ow! Hahahahaha, that really hurt!
Rahab: Yeha, it's funny when people get hurt!
Dumah: Yeah! Hahahahaha!
(then Dumah punches Rahab and Rahab punches Dumah's broken hand)
Rahab: Hahahaha!
Dumah: (while laughing) That hurt like hell! Hahahahaha! You got a good shot there!
Melchiah: (sees what's going on) Dumah is such a retard.
(Raziel walks over to a corner to see Kain rolled up in a ball)
Raziel: You okay.
Kain: I hate everyone.
Raziel: C'mon Kain, think! If you think, you'll find a way to open this place up!
[6 months later]
Kain: (still in his corner with Razzyboy beside him) Nope, ain't think of nothing.
Raziel: Oh.
Kain: THIS SUCKS!
Raziel: Yeah, it sure does.
Kain: You know what? Screw this! SCREW THIS PARK!! Dumah, come here!
(then Dumah, who's wearing a cast, comes to Kain)
Kain: Dumah, YOU SUCK! THIS GIFT IS A PIECE OF TRASH! I HATE YOU SO BADLY
DUMAH! I'M SO PISSED AT YOU!
Dumah: Don't you mean you're pissed at Razzyboy?
Kain: No, I'm pissed at you! Dumah you stupid idiot!
(then Kain punches his broken arm)
Kain: How do you like that!
Dumah: (while laughing) It's funny when people get hurt! Hahahaha! You got me good!
Kain: You stupid freak! Come Razzyboy, you will now help me make my movie! Screw
this stupid gift that my least favorite son Dumah gave me! Follow me my favorite son
whom is named Raziel!
(then Kain leaves)
Raziel: (to Dumah) Hahahahaha! I as the best, you are the worst!
[6 months later, Kain and the lieutenants and Moebius are in Hollywood filming their next big movie]
Kain: (talking to a reporter) Well, we have a higher budget for Kain Presents: Soul
Reaver 1, so more special effects will be use, like me eating a CG hotdog.
Reporter: Can we get a cast?
Kain: Not quite yet. I'm also gonna get some big names to help with production, like
the kind of things that happen behind the scenes.
Reporter: Like who?
Kain: I've been surfing the net and some famous people will be in. I've selected some
people called 'authors' to help with behind the scenes stuff.
Reporter: What happened to your theme park?
Kain: That SOB DUMAH IS STUPID! Enough said!
Reporter: Well, we can't wait to see it. Are you worried about your competition?
Kain: What competition?
Reporter: The film "Still Can't Catch Me" by Marcus.
Kain: I'm not worried! Marcus is stupid!
Reporter: Do you think everyone's stupid?
Kain: Yes. Now go away. You're stupid too!
(then Zephon walks up)
Zephon: Hey, can I reprise my roll as Ariel. As you know, dressing like a woman can be
a very zen-like experience.
Kain: Yes you can.
Zephon: Yay!
Reporter: This is Dean Earwicker signing off.
Kain: Good, get outta here you freaks! People, get ready for Kain Presents: Soul Reaver
1! I'm so cool.
___________________________________________________________
Well, that was the last chapter. Soon you will be able to look forward to not 1, not 2, but 3 new LoK fics from me! One is the long-awaited sequel Kain Presents: Soul Reaver 1. The second is called "I Love Meat" which is the fic that Magnus made, so expect tons of spelling errors. The third is another Kain Presents, but it isn't a parody of an LoK game. Well, hope you had a good Christmas and you can look forward to more new fics from me soon.