Dear Mom,

I miss you and I decided to update you again on my life, since I haven't for a while.

Sometimes I still think about Tris. How I will never see her beautiful smile again, how I will never kiss those soft lips. It gets hard at times, but I manage to keep myself alive. I am about to visit Christina. She has become one of my best friends now, one of my only friends, since most of them are too busy living life or already dead.

I try to make the best of my life, though. I am now a politician. I was able to work my way up, since Johanna had decided to leave the city and work for the Bureau. She now gives workshops about peace and how you can reach your inner peace or something like that. I never quite understood her whole Zen lifestyle. But then again, I think she would never understand my life either.

I still bear the scars Marcus left me. I used to think that my tattoo was pretty stupid to get, since the whole faction thing was a lie. But now it reminds me of me. How I got over my fear of Marcus and I know I will never become like him. It reminds me of Tris and the way she used to look at my back like it was the most fascinating thing in the world. It reminds me of the good and bad things in life and of the scars underneath the ink that covers them.

The day you passed away I became quite depressed. I used to sleep all day and read all night. I started drinking a lot and felt miserable. I even thought about ending my life and lifting all the weight of my shoulders, but I didn't. But Christina couldn't see me like this any longer and brought me to the hospital. Also I didn't want to disappoint you, because I know you and Tris would want me to keep living. The doctors gave me these meds that kept the hardest emotions to bear out. It kept me clearheaded and I felt a lot better too. I don't longer need the meds as long as I speak with my therapist at least once a week. It's nice to talk to someone who stands completely loose from the whole situation.

At first I was scared to share my feelings with a complete stranger. It felt like betraying you, to share these memories with someone I don't even know. But now I feel like I can trust her. I feel a lot more relieved. The weight on my shoulders is a lot better to bear now.

I feel good and I wasn't able to say that for a long time. I wish you could come visit me, but since you're not in this world anymore, that wish can't come true. I miss you Mom and one day I will come visit you myself, when I'm ready and the universe decides to give me a ride to Heaven.

See you soon,

Tobias