[The coach blew his whistle, "Alright girls! That's enough practice for the day!"]
["Sorry." A man muttered quickly and swerved around her]

Dialogue is written as "Hello," she said or "Hello!" she said, never "Hello." She said or "Hello." she said or "Hello," She said or "Hello" she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it's written as "Hello." She grinned, never "Hello," she grinned or "Hello," She grinned or "Hello." she grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," she said. "This is it." not "Hi," she said, "this is it." or "Hi," she said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," she said, "is it." The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don't use quotation marks with thoughts.

[Her Lilligant was pretty tried from battling the wild Pokemon as well]

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names or nicknames of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

I like the idea you have here, but you don't seem to have thought it all through. If the idea is that any area the player encounters turns static like the game, then she should have been frozen by the player's initial passing, and the people going into the buildings should have kept disappearing. If all it takes to make it stop is to rub her eyes and wait, then when she meets the player again the same thing should happen.

It would probably make more sense to have her coming across the changed crowd after the player had passed, panicking and running to the pokemon center, and then being frozen when the player arrives there.

OMG, this is so true! And they're frozen...forever?

Opps, forgot to review. THIS IS SOOOOO GOOD, AND SMART. I cryied at the end ONLY JOKING! Love it!

TPNO

I was pretty nervous to read this, because I thought it might have spoilers for the game, which I have yet to finish.
But I'm very glad I did!
This is a very original story, I've never seen anything like it!
It really got me thinking WAY too much about some factors of Pokemon.
Thank you so, so much for writing this!

This is interesting, never thought of it that way.