I rather enjoyed reading "this train wreck", even if it did drag in some places. I liked how you chose to develop the characters of the triplets and Tobias, and I liked that your insertion of their characters was woven into the story and the background of the characters, rather than forced. The only issue I really had was balance between various aspects of the story (character description, plot, exposition, etc.). I wish you the best of luck on your endeavor to rewrite this story! Don't completely trash what you have written - there's still a lot of good here, and it's the good that kept me reading the story, even when it dragged. Thanks for leaving this up where I could find it! (::

I know I haven't read the rest of this story, and that you've discontinued it... but I can't help but think that it would be really interesting if what AU Sam does to destabilize time/space leads the characters in the AU DPxJL universe to interact with the characters in the universe where Danny's watching the events from one of Clockwork's viewing screens. It'd be fun to play it off as a slow degradation of the "fourth wall", since Danny himself mentioned that watching the viewing screen was like watching a TV show. Another fun twist would be to have the Clockwork in the AU and the Clockwork who showed Danny the AU be the same being, not just different versions of each other.

Not sure why you discontinued this story - I really enjoy it so far! (::

Looooooooooooooooooooooong chapter dude

I’ve probably reviewed here already, but ah well. It’s a good read. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about your story lately, among other Danny Phantom related things, mostly character development wise, lately.

You have come a long way and have a lot to do since you made it so far already. I don’t think your story is that bad at all, actually. Let's not forget you started this back in '08, either. Shorter chapters might be a good idea. I’ve got no idea how you were able to make it up to 40 pages per chapter. But I do think Tucker would still have gotten up and hit on Lee and Casse, despite Brad’s incredibly sour attitude in the beginning of the story, (y’know, before Danny softened him up ;) ), since he hadn’t met the triplets yet so he wouldn’t really have had a chance to change much.

And I think Danny is smarter than he lets on. I mean, in the show he often figures things out on his own, sometimes before others have managed to gasp what’s going on. Perhaps just playing up on his oblivious nature to keep people from realizing just how much he really sees and knows. And I’m pretty sure it was mentioned somewhere that he made A’s and B’s before the accident (if not it was hinted – which reminds me, if you watch What You Want you can see Tuckers classes and grades for the semester. Did you know he has an A in Sewing? Lol, xD )

Also, I don’t think Sam and Tucker are very good friends. I mean, they’ve known Danny for years, (Tucker since their diaper years and Sam since (loosely around) second grade) yet they can’t tell the difference between him and Sidney Poindexter, or Dan Phantom. That certainly tells you a lot about their relationship, doesn’t it? And when Elliot/Gregor comes to town, they BOTH ditch him for the so called foreigner (who Danny had been the only one to see through the boy’s lies). And their attitude to Danny in general is nothing short of appalling. They often treat him like dirt and always seem to try to exploit his powers for their own needs. Like in Memory blank: Sam is always criticizing Danny about how he should use his powers, but asks him to destroy those trucks because she doesn’t agree with them, and Tucker… he just see’s the good side of Danny’s powers. He doesn’t see the emotional strain it puts his friend under or how Danny most likely resents his powers for making his life more difficult than it should be, considering he would jump at the chance to do anything people pegged as normal, despite his somewhat shallow attitude. I really think Danny tries to enjoy having his powers in the beginning, if only to appease his over ecstatic friends.

Yeah, sure, Sam and Tucker risk a lot for Danny, but without his ghost powers it’s like they could care less about him. In Phantom Planet Sam and Tucker are trying to push Danny to be ‘special’, and act uncaringly when around their friend, if you remember the scene where they sit on the couch. And I think he’d get tied of everyone’s (at times) unreasonably high expectations of him, and how everyone expects him and Sam to get together what with the lovebirds thing and Tucker trying to push them together.

And… I’m starting to rant. Damn. Sorry. ;

Good luck with the rewrite, Kenzy.

Aww, and I was liking this story, too. But then again that's to be expected - I'm a bit of a sucker for character interaction, shitloads of foreshadowing, and insanely long chapters.

But anyways, pouting aside, good luck revamping this. If this scrapped version is anything to go by, you've got a lot of ground to re-cover by the amount of events in the story alone. I'm honestly a bit wary of your choice for that reason, since 400k is nothing to sneeze at and bound to take up a lot of time that could be used on pushing ahead into new territory, but I also get the need to not feel ashamed of something you wrote and the need to make better. Just don't get into the habit of endlessly rewriting entire stories - that way eventually lies stagnation and self-defeat, which is not a nice place.

This story was amazing write as much as possible I totally Andes u 2 my favs! :)

It sucks you're ending this, but I'm sure the re-write will be awesome. Are you still going to do the 'Future DannyxBrad' story?

Oh, I saw a rant on a story that might work well if you were to incorporate it into the rewrite. He/she talks about how Danny's friends seem to expect a lot from Danny and how his parents favor Jazz and how Danny's parents never really listen to him in the show unless it concerns ghosts. If you want to read it:

fanfiction s/5886927/6/

Huh, I read this fic from the beginning about a week or so ago and, yeah there are a few things that need to be fixed and edited, but you started this story back in 08, and you've done pretty good thus far. I totally get what you mean about re-doing it though. I'm sure you'll have a good turn out. I'll be looking forward to the Rewrite.

There is no such thing as disgustingly long chapters. Not in my point of view, anyway.

cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry

This is realy good. Danny likes blondes, huh? xD

I'm wondering if Danny and Lee get together, or Danny and Brad. Hmmm. I have a sneaking suspicion that Tucker may have a secret crush on Danny. Not sure if I'm right, but... *shrug*

I wonder if the 'Elliot thing' will happen, expect he/she steals Danny's attention, making someone jealous and 'spy on Danny for his own good' Idek.(hah, gender bent Gregory... Eliza, lol.)

I'm glad Lee and Danny survived, but those who witnessed everything, ESPECIALLY the two hybrids, will most likely be traumatized for a bit. Probably really jumpy too and a little uneasy with any human contact.

Hope you finish re-writing and revising soon. I can't wait to see what happens next.

-Jade

I like the Tucker/Lee pairing. Danny should figure out Sam likes him, but continue to play clueless. We all know he has a secret crush on Brad. ;)

These chapter are so long, I'm not really sure how you do it. I'm gonna see if I can get to ch. 24 by the weekend.

Hey, the chapter was ok.

It's just that I find the characters getting more unrealistic. I mean there was an invasion going on and Cassie was complaining about pets? Also after the brutal attacks and an initial panic attack they seem fine, or is that just the adrenaline? Even if Danny did miraculously recovered, there comes a lot of issues that will need to be addressed such as mental trauma and nightmares. (Going to reference Batman a lot)

1. The obvious trauma of being beaten to such an extent. Do you remember the Batman story line Knightfall? Bane breaks Batman's back and throws him off an rooftop. No offense to Danny but Batman went through physical and mental training to fight against madmen, and he still had trauma after being beaten so badly.

2. Danny's reaction to Lee attack, You established that Danny care for his friends deeply and easily feels guilty for ghost related injuries in previous chapters. But caring also works in reverse, you can care too much. I mean Lee get beaten to pulp. So he could either be constantly watching over her like an psychotic guard dog or get her to stop fighting. Also possible expression of shame and unable to face her when in ghost form, being the one who gave her the power and not being able to keep her safe. You could twist that into a moment, but would Lee even want to fight anymore?

Bruce didn't let Dick become Batman after the injury, because he didn't want Bane to do the same thing to Dick.

3. Their friend's reactions to the beat down, almost the same as above. Watching your friend/sibling getting beaten half to death can cause mental issues as well. Maybe giving them an overprotective outlook like mentioned above and trying to get Danny to quit and get a Justice League member to take care of Amity Park.

4. The status quo with the ghost and humans: They helped each other out with an common enemy but eventually there gonna be an ghost attack, then what? Try to talk or will there be another fight? Will Phantom and Lee be treated like heroes like in the cartoon or will it be played down by the media?

Basically there are hundreds of ripples where this story can go and just as many issues to cover. I also hate to say it but I'm getting a little annoyed at Zeraphina role. I like her as an character but her role is being used to often.

She becoming an Deus Ex Machina, Big problem, make an wish and poof all gone. Hidden identifies, duplication, healing, and time travel easily solved with no major cost. I mean side effects of the wishes are usually forgotten. Jazz and Lee's combat skills from the collar incident, do they sometimes bust out moves unconsciously on unsuspecting jerks or Lee easily using said to skills to fight better as a ghost? Danny having any problems with the magic constantly being worked around him causing his powers to change or fizzle out? Side effects of his soul/powers being linked and used to help Lee, sharing feelings or even memories?

Sorry, about the rant it's just this is an great story and your an talented authoress, but you seem to be losing touch with the characters and missing story angles as the plot goes on. While relying on the same methods to solve an problem.

You got an lot of potential and really want you to be able to improve. No matter how great an writer you're there is always room for growth.

YAY, LEE AND DANNY SURVIVED! *happy dance* I'm so happy! But you can probably tell that by the happy dance, huh? And thus, PARIAH DARK IS DEFEATED! Ha, Sage is evil. Lurve the little blurp with Vlad enraged. XD Update soon!

O_o

All I can say is wow. I've been reading this story for the past few days (I had to catch up all the way from chapter one) and I'm hooked. I love the idea of Danny watching himself in alternate timelines, and all the OCs are absolutely perfect, you managed to fit them in without messing up the story, even with Lee getting powers. That is absolutly amazing. Please update soon, I can't wait to see where this goes! :D