Veri n1c34TLst0riKk

Are you ever going to update this? I want to read what will happen. :)

How can this possibly be anything around the subject of the Land Of Elyon?

1. This doesn't have anything to do with the "Land of Elyon" seires I should know I own the seires and pre-book (I just finished "Beyond The Valley of Thorns")

2. I have alot better punctuation and grammer that's really sad because I'm 12 and going into 8th grade this school year comming up oh and I won't be turning 13 until September 9th

i somewhat like this

great story. wheres the next chapter?

Okay, let me first warn you, I am going to be a harsh critic, but it's all constructive, I promise.

A) Sometimes it's not clear whose talking, and you keep switching POVs. First the story is told in first person, then third person, then first person, then an omniscent POV, then back to first. If you're changing POVs, make it obvious.

B) It's really obvious that you're trying to force some points in the story. For example, don't continue to tell us Lily is a tomboy, we'll get that from her attitude. Also, hint at their relationship in the beginning. Such as, make it so they think they're so subtle, but everyone else is like "Wow, it's so obnoxiously obvious" and of course the only oblivious ones are each other.

C) Please get rid of stereotypes. "Normal" or "Popular" girls don't always have their mini-skirt skank-ware. sometimes it comes in the forms of really low cut shirts that are tight fitted, shirts that are just a bit too small and ride up to show their stomach, or even really tight skinny jeans that are hip huggers, just barely showing lace of thongs. also, they won't all be idiots who get detentions by being rude. Also, not all teachers are crabby like that.

D) Also, come up with a definative reason why the populars like her so much. "just because" will leave the reader confused and slightly annoyed.

E I've got to agree with your other reviewers that there is a thing called spellcheck, if you've got grammer trouble, so feel free to use it. Sorry, that was amazingly mean, and I'm a story editor, not a grammer nazi (well...) so I'm not here to attack the nit-picky things.

F)You want to avoid giving two large and distinctly different characters the same name, like the two Jake's. This will confuse the reader. One thing you can do is give them similar sounding names like "Jake" and "Drake". She can mishear someone when the name "Drake" appears.

G) No matter how much she's trying to use the jealousy card, how far would this character be likely to go. Also, she can't use the "trying-to-be-normal" card to define why she's acting like a slut. Remember, she still is who she is, and changing who she is over night won't be easy for her. If she has morals against flirting with 20 guys at once, then she's not going to do that, no matter what she's trying to prove.

H) You have to make the dialogue believable and realistic concerning who's talking, would the populars say "Oh-Emm-Gee" and "Lawls". Would Jake (W) use the same slang that Lily uses? When a guy says some of that stuff, it just sounds weird.

I) It sounds like Lily is a failed cliche of a tomboy. Trust me, I'm a huge tomboy. I don't skateboard. I make obnoxious crude jokes, my greeting is a light punch on the arm, I'm into video games and comic books, I'm very athletic, Idon't like makeup, and don't spend trememndous amounts of time on hair. and I don't like magaizines. If I had my way, I'd wear sweat pants, tank tops, skull caps, and my tevas (aventure sport flip flops) constantly. I'm into really obscure bands and tv shows, etc. So develop her more. All I know about her is that she skateboards, and she likes Jake (W), and occasionally a few other guys. Before you even change her character, because of Jake's comment, help the reader understand Lily better. Also, you keep showing us how crazy Jake is about her, but I have yet to see any REAl evidence that she likes him, except for her saying it. HIn the beginning, have her go to lay her head on his, then have her hesitate, or have her describe the fluttery feeling she gets when he looks at her, something like that.

Besides that, there isn't much for me to say. I would like to read more. Thefunny thing is, my name is Alexa Lily, I'm a tomboy (a shy one, but a tomboy to the end) and I actually have a huge crush at the moment on a guy named Jake, so I'm very interested to see how this plays out. Until next time! Au Revoir! Write on.

All five of the stories you have posted to this category are not in the correct place. Four of them, including this one, are 'original' stories. This is a site for FANFICTION only.

Besides that, your use of spelling and grammar is atrocious. You have no detail in your story at all. And I read your profile, and frankly, being 11/12 years old is no excuse for this. Age 11 was when I LEARNED to use proper spelling and grammar in my stories. I'm 13 now, and I'm consistent with this process.

I'm sure you've never even read "The Land of Elyon" series. If you had, you surely would have known better than to post four non-fanfiction and one W.I.T.C.H. story within the "Land of Elyon" section.

You want to post original work? Don't post it here. More importantly, don't post original work with horrid grammer and detail.

Love it addie!

c ya school (yuck)

xoxoxo

Jen

I really liked this one, but did something get cut off on the end because it didn't make sense?