Reviews please!
CURTAINS OPEN AND FANFAIR!
…
*completely empty stage*
*cricket sounds and panning around stage*
RATTLE
THUMP
CLANG
*two boxes suddenly pop up through the floor*
Box 1: *written in big red letters* THE EVIL
Box 2: *written in slightly smaller red letters* FANBOYS AND GIRLS OF THE EVIL
*several pairs of eyes peep out from under bleachers*
Jay: *in fallout helmet with binoculars against her eyes* They're still there. No sign of movement.
Mack: *writing his will* How do you spell "unavoidable circumstances leading to death"?
May: *hugging teddy bear* I think the first one starts with a U.
Jay: Shhh! I think the first one moved!
*all gulp and stare intently at the boxes*
May: *whispering* This is really bad! If we don't get rid of the you-know-what then we can't be mean– ask questions, to the other nun lady!
Mack: *chewing on pen* Our straits have never been more dire. One of the stage hands cracked the lid and he was instantly vaporized from over-sparkliation.
May: *sobbing* We're done for, we're done for!
Jay: *still with the binoculars and fallout hat* Get a hold of yourself soldier! *glares at her* This is the Hellsing fanbase! There's plenty of willing cannon fodder out there that'll sacrifice themselves for getting rid of these things! *continues looking through the binoculars*
Mack: *looks up from will* Since you've already broken the fourth wall, may I ask for the benefit of the readers just what the heck is in those crates?
*May and Jay look at each other, then at him*
*in unison* EVIL.
Mack: *sweatdrop* Yeah…I can see that from the crate…but can we get a name?
Jay: THE evil.
May: The very evil evil!
Mack: *tick mark* JUST TELL ME WHO THE CRAP WE'RE DEALING WITH!
*Jay puts the binoculars down and puts both hands on his shoulders*
Jay: Mack, this evil is so very evil that its very evilness cannot be spoken aloud, lest the evil of its evil aura leak out and contaminate the good, kind, psychotic people of Hellsing with evil.
Mack: That's a whole lot of evil.
Jay: *dramatic stance* This evil has a name, but the name cannot be spoken of or written down, otherwise your face will melt off from the sheer evilness of it and the paper you write it on will spontaneously combust from having such evil written upon it.
Mack: *sweatdrop* I get the idea you're blowing this a bit out of proportion.
Jay: Nope! This evil will infect the good, gore-loving residents of any and all vampire fanbase with ideas of affection, sparkles, and undying affection from pixies that pretend to be immortal badasses. *pauses to cover May's ears for appropriate swearing*
Mack: *turns pale* You don't mean…
Jay: *points ominously and dramatically at the crates* INDEED! THERE INLIES THE MOST EVIL AND SIMULTANEOUSLY RIDICULOUS IDEA EVER TO PLAUGE MAN!
*crates rattle dangerously*
Jay/May/Mack: Yeek! *dive for cover*
*long silence*
*slightly glowing eyes peep out from under curtain*
Jay: *in the middle* So we managed to get in close. Now what?
Mack: *on the left* Ostensibly we remove the crates from the immediate vicinity of our place of employment. *pen scratching*
May: *on the far right* Say what?
Jay: *looks to the right in annoyance* He said we should get them out of here.
May: *blinks* Oh.
*crates rattle again*
Jay: *eyes widen* Shhh! *glancing to both sides* Cut the chatter guys, this is enemy territory!
May: But I thought it was our stage and video recording studio.
Mack: *rolls his eyes as loud smacking sound is heard*
May: Ow! *glares to her left*
Jay: *glaring back* What part of "Shhh!" did you not understand?
Mack: *nudges them both* Do we have a plan?
May: I hope so. *whimpers*
Jay: *looks up in thought* Well, who do we know that is both expendable and so freakishly badass that they can stand up to the pure, sparkly evil of The Crates?
Mack: Chuck Norris?
*May and Jay blink and glance to the left*
*in unison* Whozzat?
Mack: *sweatdrop* Never mind…
Jay: *snaps fingers* Right! What about…Anderson?
May: *squints in thought* Well, we did finish our interview with him, so he is both expendable and cool…
Mack: But he's Iscariot's trump card. I think they'll object if he gets killed with sparklies when he moved the crates.
Jay: Good point. *disappointed*
May: What about Superman?
Jay: Oh come on! We are not going to call in lame childhood superheroes that wear their underwear outside their clothes and whack each other with weird objects!
*pause*
Jay: So how about Tom and Jerry?
Mack: *facepalm*
May: How about Mr. Captain Jack Sparrow?
*moment of consideration*
Jay: That might work…
Mack: Wait! It's brilliant! *snaps fingers*
May/Jay: What?! What?!
*Mack starts whispering and both pairs of eyes widen*
Jay: *German accent* Brilliant mein friend!
May: Uh huh! Free Snickers for all!
Mack: *ominous grin* Excellent…
TWO HOURS LATER
Jay: We win we win! The sky's blue! *running around empty stage*
May: Kyahahahaha! *wielding broken baseball bat and chasing her*
Mack: *sweatdrop and turns to audience, clearing throat* Luckily due to my quick thinking, the two crates of evil have been removed and sent to an unspecified location. No one except the unfortunate stagehand mentioned earlier were hurt in this procedure. We are pleased to continue the night's performance as planned.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Brazil…
Random Nazi Soldier: *runs into meeting room* Major! Major! We have been given a package!
Major: *looks up from TV screen where he had been watching his favorite show, involving two crazy girls and a slightly-less-crazy boy* What is it?
Soldier: Two boxes labeled "THE EVIL" and "FANBOYS AND GIRLS OF THE EVIL", sir! *salutes*
Major: Well let's open them up and see what's inside.
And thus was the real reason it took fifty years to recreate the battalion. It was sparkled into oblivion halfway through its creation.
*screen clicks off*
Yumiko: *sweatdrops* That's absolutely ridiculous.
Jay: *hands on hips* You got a better explanation?
Yumiko: Uh…it takes a long time to build up an army?
Mack: *looks up from clipboard* He's a crazed warmonger, not to mention the fact he doesn't give a crap about getting caught. I'd say it would've taken him ten years, tops.
May: I thought we were talking about the Jekyll nun instead of Mr. Major?
Jay: Right, of course! *snaps fingers* I almost forgot. You wanna ask the first one?
May: Sure! Mrs. Nun Lady, what was your first thought when you saw Heinkel?
Yumiko: I…um…I wasn't quite sure if she was a boy or a girl, but once she said something I knew she was a female!
Jay: I had the same problem. *sweatdrop*
May: I thought the she was a he but he turned out to be a she, even though she *points to Jay* said she was a he.
Mack: Uh…yeah…I think. *askance look*
Yumiko: I have no idea what she just said.
Jay: Likewise.
May: Me, Morocco Mole!
Jay: *tick mark* Keep on pushing May, keep on pushing…
Mack: Ahem. *coughs* Anyway Miss Tagaki, why do you have a Welsh accent if you are, as the creator Kouta Hirano said, from Japan?
Yumiko: Well, I lived at orphanages for most of my life, so when I was younger I must've gone to one in Wales. Either that or the dubbers applied the Doctor Who theory.
May/Jay/Mack: Eh?
Yumiko: Anybody who's from a country whose accent you don't understand must be Welsh.
MOMENT OF SILENCE…
Jay: Sounds legit.
May: Who's Doctor Who?
Jay: No idea.
Mack: A man with a time-traveling phone booth.
Jay: Well alright then.
JAY SUDDENLY STRIKES A DRAMATIC POSE
Jay: *pointing to Yumiko* Hear me, Yumiko/Yumie/Yumike Tagaki, Nun-Lady, also known as whatever else you are also known as, WHAT IS-
DRAMATIC PAUSE
Jay: *peace sign and grin* Two plus two?
Yumiko: *blink blink* It's…fishy. Duh.
Somewhere, far away, in the Vatican…
Maxwell: *smacks head on desk* OH COME ON! EVEN SHE KNEW IT?!
Back to us…
Jay: *sparkly eyes* I'm so proud!
May: *waving banners* Yaaay!
Mack: *blows party favor as he breathes in and out unenthusiastically* Ymph… *mumbles around whistle* This sucks.
Jay: *stops being chibi-happy* Mack, we've been rude. Do YOU want to ask a question?
Mack: Sure…
*May and Jay make way for Mack*
Mack: *sigh* Alright then… *coughs into fist and takes a deep breath*
*May and Jay playing rock paper scissors in the background*
Mack: *speaking rapidly* So Miss Yumiko, why is it that YOU never directly appear in the manga or the OVA series, although you are acknowledged as a legitimate character of Hellsing due to the comic that Hirano specifically stated was not in the same verse as Hellsing, along with a totally femmed-out Heinkel (the woman actually looks like a woman, her chest is like Seras-sized!) as well as the fact you are never stated to be a split personality of each other in the Hellsing manga, not to mention the fact you, or rather Yumie, shows up for only a few volumes in even less scenes before you, or rather Yumie, is violently and gruesomely killed by Walter in his vampire form?
DEAD SILENCE…
Jay: *stupefied expression*
May: *dazed and drooling slightly* Butterfly…
Yumiko: *just as shocked* Um…eh?!
Jay: *scratching head and trying very hard to answer an actual serious question* I…think he just questioned your existence as a legit Hellsing character.
May: Wait… *shocked pose and points at Yumiko* IMPOSTER!
Jay: *startled look* Imposter?!
Mack: *starts* Imposter?! *also shocked*
Yumiko: *sigh* Oh muffins.
May: GET 'EM! * whips out pointy stick and waves it about her head*
Jay: I think, therefore I poke. *pitchfork*
Mack: *sighs and rolls eyes* I think we all know where this is going…
Yumiko: SEE YA GUYS LATER! BY! HAVE FUN AND WHATEVER! YEEEEEEE! *runs out the door*
Jay: NEITHER RAIN NOR SLEET NOR SNOW NOR HAIL NOR AN AMASSED MASS OF FANGIRLS AND/OR BOYS SHALL STOP US NOW! CHARGE! *runs out after her*
May: Dadum dadum dadadadum dada! *runs after her*
Mack: *sticks lollypop in his mouth* I'll just stay here and lock up. Tune in next time for the Major! *starts puttering around with a mop*