Right after the TARDIS faded into the vortex and River huffed her confusion before turning to converse with her parents, they all heard the sound of the brakes once more, as just moments later the TARDIS reappeared in her home. River shook her head fondly at her husband's forgetfulness, folding her arms across her chest and cocked one hip as she prepared to teasingly scold him. Her posture matched Amy's, their intentions identical, and taunts waited at the tip of her tongue, when the doors opened and the Doctor ran out frantically. Holding a baby.

That silenced River, which was just as well because the combination of the child's screams and the Doctor's panicked look told her that any remark she could have made would only serve to further aggravate the situation.

"Doctor-" she started, a cold fear stirring in her stomach, "why did you bring me a baby?"

"She won't stop crying!" yelled a very distressed Time Lord.

"Where did she come from?" asked a suddenly upset River, trying to determine the best way to turn off the infant's shrieks. She began searching the child in the Doctor's arms as though there were a switch or a lever that would magically shut off the noise and pain.

"Questions later- right now, screaming baby!" reminded her husband.

"Well, what am I supposed to do?!" River demanded, still unable to see any source of distress on the child.

"You're a woman!" unreasoned the Doctor, "Shouldn't you know?!"

He was met by twin glares and closed expressions from two Pond women.

Rory, who was tired of hearing what he believed was probably his granddaughter's howling, lifted her out of the Doctor's hands and gently began rocking her, lifting her up to check if she needed changing, humming in a soothing manner. He felt her stomach to see if there were pent up gases in her, then reached up, checking her forehead for any fever, feeling around inside her mouth, when the child's cries began to quiet slowly as she started sucking on his finger. Rory continued to rock her as he began to rub her gums, her cries finally quieting until they died down completely.

"Oh yes, she likes that," the Doctor beamed at Rory proudly, who had fixed everything in his eyes.

"Doctor, if you can speak baby, why didn't you know what she wanted?" Amy asked, still sceptical about her friend's ability.

"She just kept shouting 'make it stop,' but she wouldn't tell me what," the Doctor defended himself.

"So, husband," said River through gritted teeth, "why would you bring me a baby? Please tell me you didn't steal it, because we've had this talk- we do not take children with us as companions on our dangerous, life- threatening adventures. I know you thought it would be a good idea with my mum, but had you not been late she probably would have grown up on jelly babies and custard, and would have never known the meaning of the words bedtime or responsibility."

"Oi! I've had children before, River! I was a brilliant dad! It's just been a few centuries."

"So you did steal her."

"No," he sighed exasperatedly, "I didn't steal her. I'm just supposed to watch her for a little while for a friend of mine. How was I supposed to know she was growing teeth?"

"And this friend actually trusted you alone with their child?"

"We were doing fine before the screaming."

"Of course. And how long was that, my love?"

"Plenty of time. Loads of it. Bunches of time with no screaming and everything going smoothly."

"So, under an hour then?" deadpanned Amy.

"Do you always have to be so technical?"

"Well, now that we've established we're both completely rubbish with children, take my father along and put her back where you got her."

Rory looked up at this, wondering if he got a say in his leaving. Then he looked down at the now- content baby girl in his arms and decided probably not.

"I can't do that, River! I'm proving myself! See, I can take care of her all by myself... Mostly. Though, now that I think on it, I probably should've taken her to… well. You were the first person I thought of- figured you could fix this mess. No, no, little baby! I wasn't calling you a mess. I meant the whole teeth are sprouting in your mouth and hurting you bit. Oh, well. Rory, if I could just borrow your finger for a little while longer, I think I have something cold in the TARDIS. We'll just pop that in her mouth and then I can go about proving my competence."

"Doctor- who let you have a baby by yourself?" River still crossed her arms, smirking and slightly annoyed at the thought of some poor fool out there who didn't realize that though seemingly brilliant with children, the Doctor should never be responsible for one. He still seemed like a child himself at times.

"Well," he fumbled around for a decent explanation, "if you must know- Jack Harkness. He was meant to watch her for a little while, then I insisted I could do it. And here I am."

"Yes, dear. At my house with three other people where my father, who is not the supposed caretaker in question, is holding the child you suddenly brought us."

"It's a learning process, River! She's still safe! There have been no monsters the entire time I've had her, and this is our first time running all day."

"Where is her mother?! Or Jack? Does she know he passed her off on you?"

"Of course she does! I don't make it a habit to go… kidnapping people River! Haven't done that in at least 800 years, thank you very much!"

The baby made a cooing sound, gurgling wetly around Rory's now- soaked finger, waving her hands up and down.

"Yes!" cried the Doctor excitedly, his eyes refocused on the (smallest) love of his life. "I see you have a hand! Two of them, in fact. Yes, I do too!" he wiggled his fingers in front of her face, letting her swat at them with one hand as she held on to Rory's finger with the other. Rory hissed as she bit down particularly hard on his saturated digit, looking up at the Doctor, stopping him from showcasing his hands further.

"Right! Erm… Rory, if you'll just accompany us into the TARDIS, we'll take her to a friend of mine who's an expert on these situations!"

"Doctor!" called River, as Rory himself was cut off every time he tried to protest being shuffled away from his wife and daughter.

The Doctor turned to River, confused.

"Make sure you get my father back here. Today. And take that baby back where you found her! Honestly, Dear! The idea of either one of us with children. Ridiculous!" she muttered, rolling her eyes, hands crossed over her chest.