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Chapter One

"Come on, Chakotay, I cheated death! That's worth a celebration, don't you think? Bottle of champagne, moonlight sail on Lake George - how does that sound?"

"Like something worth living for," he replied immediately, looking up at her absolutely radiant smile, as she stood on the raised area in her ready room.

He wasn't sure he'd ever seen her like this - this intent on enjoying herself - not on the ship anyway. There were some moments planet-side on New Earth when she'd been almost this frivolous, but it had somehow seemed to mean less, away from all her responsibility. Here, it meant everything to him to see her so seemingly care free. He couldn't miss the irony that it had taken near death to finally get her to allow herself a tiny window of life out here.

For a split second it had sounded like a date to him, and then he kicked himself immediately for being stupid enough to think that was what she was offering. Idiot.

At that moment, he didn't care anyway what the terms of engagement were - he was in, regardless. He couldn't think of anything he'd rather do more than have her to himself right now. In whatever way she'd let him.

In fact, if he'd thought she'd wanted to, he'd have asked her to do things like this with him months ago! He'd presumed she would've preferred to avoid spending time alone with him, outside ship's business, in the moonlight... But he sure as hell wasn't going to point that out to her now. He'd never been so pleased to be wrong about something.

I wonder if she means later? He thought; given that she must know he was still on duty - supposed to be running the ship whilst she took it easy.

As if that was going to happen.

But, actually, it seemed like it was. She was full of surprises today.

It seemed she really did mean right now. So they walked towards the door and despite his attempts at gallantry, she playfully waved him ahead of her, with another sweeping hand gesture and another beautiful smile. He could hear the lightness in her step and feel her still smiling behind him as they emerged.

They walked right through the bridge, past Tuvok's very slightly rising eyebrow, and headed for the turbo lift together. As he told the Vulcan the bridge was his until the end of the shift, Chakotay caught Paris's eye, despite himself. It was less of a smirk than he was expecting actually. He figured Paris had probably taken pity on him by now - there was no way Paris would have missed the rose Chakotay hadn't bothered to hide on the way in this time.

The day before on that godforsaken planet had scared the hell out of him, and he was almost past caring what the crew thought today. For her sake, he did usually try and keep that sort of display to her quarters. He knew she worried about how they were perceived. But yesterday was just too hard. He'd felt his usually well-schooled emotions bleeding out into the air around him. Before he'd met her, he never used to think of himself as a man who was prone to giving women token roses. Guess it takes the right woman to bring out the secret soppy romantic. He didn't like to think exactly what he'd do for her. Pretty much whatever she asked, he suspected some days.

If he was honest with himself, he knew he hadn't often really pursued a woman before. This was new territory. Perhaps if he'd been more practised at taking the initiative, he might've found a way to be more open with her sooner on New Earth?

Most of the women he'd been intimately involved with had chosen him; he couldn't pretend he'd had much to do with it. Sveta, Seska...They might've gone about things in very different ways, but both those women had decided they wanted him, and had gone out and claimed him. From his perspective, it seemed women were just better at arranging things so they got what they wanted.

His younger self had found that dealing with women on Earth was much more complicated than he'd found things with the girls and women he'd grown up with. He'd struggled at first to make sense of all the different, subtle signals and behaviours men were supposed to be able to interpret. There was absolutely nothing straightforward about any of it. He'd found it easier to let them do the pursuing and the deciding, rather than try to negotiate the minefield himself.

He'd never been hard up for female companionship, and the rest of it - so he'd never given it all much thought, until...

Living through the chaos his passive habits had allowed Seska to cause, when for a brief time he'd allowed her to stake even a small claim to his affections, and then having her deceive him so skilfully, had made him swear to himself that he would try his utmost to do things differently next time.

And yet - here he was again. A woman calling the shots.

But he knew it wasn't the same. He wasn't prepared to accept anything about it was the same.

He promised himself that the minute he was free to do so, he'd pursue Kathryn. Taking his heart in his own hands and offering all of it to her.

The night before, after she had been released from sickbay, he'd had to practically tie himself to the chair in his quarters and lock his door, to stop himself going back to check on her again. Even after he'd been in twice already and made sure she had everything she needed.

As if.

They both knew she didn't have everything she needed.

He came that close to forgetting his part in this blasted charade and climbing into the damn bed with her the second time, if only just to hold her, to listen to her breathing as she fell asleep.

He'd never come that close to losing her before, and he had been terrified. For what had seemed like hours, she had been slowly dying in his arms.

And this, spending this evening with her now, seemed to him to be exactly what the Doctor ordered. Part of him was still surprised that she was actually going to follow advice and take it easy for a few hours. He was half expecting her to look up and hesitate - then say something like "Actually, Chakotay, do you mind if we do this another time?" Or B'Elanna would comm her to say she was needed for something, or another crewmember would call to give her an update she'd doubtlessly already requested on some aspect of ship's business - and that would be enough to derail this wonderfully rare plan.

But no.

They made it back to quarters on deck three - her suggestion that they change out of uniform, not his - and no one had disturbed either of them. He wondered if the Vulcan had a hand in that? You could never tell with Tuvok.

She'd reserved a holodeck whilst they travelled in the turbo lift, and she'd told him to call past for her in 5 minutes.

He quickly threw on some casual clothes and even took a quick look in the mirror. Not sure why he had done that really, and kind of wished he hadn't when he found it hard to look himself in the eye. He was suddenly unsure of his own intentions here. Less sure than usual that he trusted himself to stay within the lines she'd drawn for them.

But he didn't want to let her down now. Not when inside, part of her must still be reeling from the after shocks of the whole nightmarish experience, despite her outward composure. He couldn't suddenly pretend he didn't know what she wanted from him and what she didn't want. Not just because she had scared him witless.

Splashing cold water on his face helped. Released him a little from the grips of an imagination that had already started to paint pictures of them, limbs entwined, moving together in the bottom of the boat.

It's just a boat trip. Get a grip, idiot.

She needed him now, to ground her; to reassure her she was back where she was safe. Not to scare the hell out of her by letting go of everything he'd been so faithfully holding in for her sake ever since they had re-joined the ship. He wouldn't do that to her. She deserved better; he could be better.

He took a deep breath and walked out of his quarters to call for her.