Chapter 58: Everything is fine

Sarah left the room with tears prickling in her eyes, feeling the anger leeching out of her as she blinked in the sunlight. Instead, a feeling much like shame swept through her as she contemplated her (over)reaction inside. The metal door clanged shut behind her with the heavy sound of finality, and she tried to do the same with her unruly emotions.

It was clear Daryl had been entirely nonplussed - and that fact hurt most of all. He REALLY didn't think of her in any special way at all... She'd been fooling herself all this time.

She needed to be stronger than this. But seeing him back, feeling the overwhelming relief, the resulting blistering wave of indignation and hurt... She'd lost control. From his perspective, she probably looked completely nuts. Because he didn't understand - he couldn't - or didn't want to.

Whatever the reason he had for returning, it wasn't because of her. She was just another member of the group! Sure, they were close... close like fam- no, scratch that. He already had family. And he'd almost picked his blood kin (whom he both loved and hated) over them all. Over her. Because she wasn't anything special.

Why had he returned? Maybe the Governor was after Merle, and they thought they had a better chance with a group? Maybe Daryl had felt guilty about leaving Rick at a time like this. Maybe he'd thought of Carol, like she'd melodramatically screamed a few minutes ago.

Oh god, why.

She needed to apologise for her outburst, and then try to reclaim whatever pride and dignity she had left - because now she knew, and she'd be more careful in future. A bit more distance, a little more maturity... She'd almost ruined everything. If Daryl left because of her pestering him, how would the group (how would she...) survive?

She looked out across the empty fields through the mesh of the walkway that bridged the two cellblocks, her fingers twining restlessly in the wires as she fought her tears back. She was happy - obviously - he was back where he belonged, and everything would be okay now... but she still felt like she was torn up inside. Bleeding internally, somehow.

And what if his brother decided they should leave again in a few days? In a week's time? In a month? Would he just follow him, and rip her heart into pieces all over again?

The door creaked open behind her, and the sharp intake of breath told her who it was without even needing to turn around. Her shoulders tensed, and she scrubbed at her face, and tried to push everything down.

Now was not the time to break. The Governor was coming for them, she needed to put all of this personal drama aside and get back to the group. They needed a plan, they needed to focus on surviving-

"... Sarah?" his gravelly voice was uncertain, clearly expecting another outburst.

She took a breath and turned around to face him, wiping her face of all emotion. She'd never had to do that with him - maybe that had been her first mistake.

I'm stronger than this.

"I'm sorry," she said, gratified by her even-sounding tone. She probably still looked a mess - pale and blotchy, red-rimmed eyes with dark circles - but she would be fine, now. She would burden him no longer.

He looked confused. "What?"

The metal door swung shut behind him with a long clang and he jumped slightly, before shading his eyes from the bright sun and stepping slowly closer, looking over her with a frown.

She swallowed, dropping her gaze before she could meet his blue-grey eyes. Before she could see the goddamn pity in them... "I'm sorry for yelling." she clarified. "I was angry that you left, but you're back, so... D-don't leave again, okay?" her voice only wavered slightly at the end there. "I, um... we need you. So."

"I... yeah," he breathed immediately, drawing even closer. With her periphery vision she could see his frown deepen as he stared at her, "I ain't leavin' again. It was stupid. I knew it was, almost soon as I left. But, y'know, I can be a fuckin' idiot sometimes, and my brother was-"

"I understand." she interrupted his worried prattle before he could add to her hurt any further. It wasn't his fault. She was the one who-

"You... you do?" he seemed doubtful.

She nodded quickly and turned away. It was getting difficult to bear his scrutiny - was there something on her face? - so she turned and looked out across the fields, instead. She noted the broken fences. They'd have to fix those holes -

"Sarah," there was a note of frustration in his voice now, "Are you-"

"It's fine, Daryl," she said and glanced back. She forced a weak smile over her shoulder, before turning her eyes to the front again. "I'm fine. We should rejoin the others-"

She abruptly made to step past him, but his hand shot out and closed around her upper arm, freezing her in her tracks.

Evidently, the movement had come as a shock to him, too, as he also froze in place. But he didn't let go, his eyes fixed on her with a curious intensity. She could feel her heart hammering under his firm grip, feel the calluses on the bare skin of her inner arm. His thumb moved slightly, nervously, but he didn't let go.

She slowly turned her head to look at him, feeling the neutral expression on her face starting to crack as she took in his familiar rugged features. She stared dully at his mouth, a familiar mulish tenderness to his jaw, and so close, before tearing her eyes away.

He seemed to struggle with himself for a moment before he said gruffly. "I ain't finished yet. I wanted to say-"

"It's fine," she whispered immediately, her hand trying to prise his away from her arm. "You don't need to explain." Please don't say it. He needed to let go of her. Now. But his grip tightened, almost bruising.

"No," he said harshly, and then tried again, "Jus'... listen for a minute, okay?"

She gave up struggling, resigning herself to hearing it. Daryl was always brutally honest.

"That morning, when I left..."

She tensed. 'Don't touch me!' he'd said, and looked at her like he absolutely despised her...

"I din' mean it," he said, "I was a fuckin' idiot, Sarah, I don't know why I-" his voice sounded raw. "You've always been-"

She shook her head numbly. "No, it's not your fault. I'm the one who was- I won't do it again, Daryl." her voice broke a little at the end, but she met his eyes this time. Even through her misery, she was sincere. "I promise."

He looked confused, again. "Do what?" he asked, baffled.

She grimaced. "I... made you uncomfortable," she acknowledged. "I see that now. I thought that you and I were getting... closer-" The words didn't come easily, but she was going to be mature about this now, and see it through to the end.

"No, I-" he started.

"... But it was a mistake." she finished firmly.

He immediately stopped whatever he had been about to say. He flinched. "...Mistake?" he repeated as if dazed. His hand finally released her arm, dropping limply to his side.

She nodded. "It was silly, right?" she edged away towards the door. "I was just..." she forced the words out, even though they stuck in her throat like shards of glass. "Fooling around. It's not like I had romantic feelings or something." She tried to smile, powering through, "That would be... ridiculous."

He made a small, unidentifiable noise, but she didn't look up.

"I just uh... it's been a long time and hormones and all that, you know?"

Daryl fell silent. She didn't dare look at him - would he be scornful? Annoyed? Embarassed? But she would put things right - back to the way they used to be.

"But I'll lay off now," she promised with fake lightness, "I went too far, didn't I? So, I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable. We've got other shit to deal with." she gestured vaguely.

Still, he said nothing.

"Speaking of," she said hastily, "Let's get back to the others, we need to figure out what we're doing next about this Governor guy - huh, he sounds like a piece of work..."

She pulled the door open, and went through, glancing back uncertainly.

But Daryl's gaze had dropped to the floor, his arms limp at his sides. He had no expression at all.

After a moment's hesitation, she turned her back and left him there, feeling hollow inside.

Author's note:

Some more angst before I wrap things up :) Yes, I know it's been a super long time - sorry about that!

I'm going to finish this story in a few more chapters - and maybe post some fluff pieces after the epilogue.