A/N – Despite the fact it's in the title, I'd like to repeat that this is a parody! A parody of what, you ask? Well, it's a parody of all the "fans" who claim(ed)/believe(d) that Bumi and/or Kya are not Aang's children, but Zuko's.

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Avatar: The Last Airbender and The Legend of Korra belong to Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko; I own nothing.

Part 1: The Parody

"Aang? Can I talk to you for a minute?"

The Avatar glanced up from the book he was reading in one of their living room chairs to see his wife standing in the doorway, nervously playing with her hair. After setting his book down, he turned back to his wife, "You can always talk to me, sweetie, you know that. What's the matter?"

Katara sighed, looking down at her feet as she stopped playing with her hair. "It's … it's about the kids."

"What's wrong? Did Bumi get himself hurt again? Or was Kya bullying Tenzin again?" He paused, "Or did Tenzin sneeze and get stuck on the roof again?"

"None of those, it's just that … there's no easy way to tell you this Aang. One of our kids isn't yours."

Aang felt his world crumbling apart like a poorly-made kale cookie, but tried to remain calm and rational. "Katara, what are you saying?"

"What I'm saying is … one of our children wasn't fathered by you, but by Zuko."

But Katara, that's impossible." Aang stood up, determined, "Bumi has my crazy, fun-loving, rambunctious personality. His skin color is a beautiful mixture of both of ours. And he has my gray eyes. There's no way he could be Zuko's kid."

"But, Aang, you forget – he's a non-bender. Some fans might see that as a result of two opposing elements – like fire and water – cancelling each other out."

Aang blinked, "Alright, but where'd he get his gray eyes from? Why does he look like a mixture of me and Sokka when we were kids? He has to be my son."

"Okay, you're right, Bumi's your son."

Aang sighed with relief. "Now, Kya is like a little carbon copy of you, Katara. She has your blue eyes, beautiful tan skin, brown hair, and is a Waterbender."

"She doesn't show any resemblance to you, Aang."

"And that's where you're wrong, Katara. We saw that when she was younger, her facial structure was very similar to mine when I was a kid. She also has my love of nature and in the future, when she sets out to travel the world in order to find herself, she'll be following in the footsteps of the Air Nomads before her. Air Nomads, myself included, traveled the world on journeys of self-discovery. In their own ways, the boys do it too – Bumi through the United Forces and Tenzin by traveling to the Air Temples."

"Alright, I concede – Kya's your daughter."

Aang sighed in relief again, "Then Katara, I'm disappointed that you slept with Zuko, but clearly they're all my kids! I mean, we don't even have to discuss why Tenzin –"

"It's Tenzin, Aang. Tenzin is Zuko's son, not yours."

After picking his jaw up off the floor and stopping his left eyebrow from twitching, Aang gaped like a fish for several minutes before finally blurting out, "How? How does that even work? He's an Airbender for spirits-sake!"

"I'm sorry Aang, but it's the truth. And no, I don't feel bad about it at all because my personality was destroyed for the sake of my character having 'hawt sex' with Zuko."

Blinking again, Aang stared at the former shell of his wife, "Okay, did you seriously just say 'hawt?'" Katara nodded. "Getting back to the matter at hand – Tenzin has a slightly darker shade of skin than my own, as well as grayish-blue eyes – clearly traits inherited from both me and you. And he's an Airbender – there's only one place Airbending genes come from," Aang pointed downwards towards his crotch, "here!"

Katara stared at her husband – or rather in his general direction (having one's characterization destroyed leaves only a ghost of both their actual persona – and physical coordination – behind), "Aang I know this is hard for you to accept. But despite the evidence, some fans choose to ignore the facts and the canon."

"But don't - don't they love you? I mean if they're shipping you with Zuko, wouldn't they try and portray the two of you as the morally-upstanding individuals you are?" Aang placed his hands on either side of his head, pacing across the room, "Or at least write an AU where you two get married or something? That way it wouldn't matter if you two acted completely out of your canon characterization? And if you loved Zuko more than me, why marry me and have a couple kids with me, only to be screwing Zuko behind my back?"

"There are some authors who are considerate enough to respect canon, write very-well written AU stories, and manage to keep both Zuko and I very close, but never identical, to our canon-counterparts. But some of them aren't so considerate."

"So," Aang wore a questioning expression on his face, "Let me get this straight. Some people write stories of you and Zuko being together, but write it in canon – where you and I are married – so they write you and Zuko as completely-OOC, lying adulterers?"

"Putting it lightly, yes, that's pretty much what they do."

"Why?"

"Beats me. Maybe they're upset that Zuko and I never shared any romantic feelings for each other in the show and in their desperate attempt to rectify that in their own minds with absurd, character-destroying plots, they strip us of the qualities that defined us in the first place."

"…"

"…"

"So, you're sure that Tenzin isn't my son?"

"Positive."

"I still don't know how that works…"

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Part 2: The Characters Rant

"Kids, can you come in here a minute?"

A chorus of "Coming, Mom!" echoed throughout the Avatar's home on Air Temple Island.

"Are you ready to talk to the fans, Katara?"

"I'm ready, Aang." The couple held hands as their three children bounded into the room – Bumi literally bounding, Kya on a sheet of ice, and Tenzin on an air scooter (the youngest two were quickly chastised by their mother for using bending indoors).

"Hello, Avatar-fandom, Avatar Aang here." Aang smiled towards his wife, gesturing for her to continue.

Returning her husband's smile, Katara spoke up, "Master Katara as well." The couple knelt down and wrapped their arms around the three children in front of them, "And these are our darling children, Bumi, Kya, and Tenzin."

"So, are we supposed to speak or…"

"Just smile and look pretty kids."

"Okay, Mom."

Aang took a deep breath before starting. "Now, my wife and I know that there are those of you among this fandom who have paired her off with our good friend, Fire Lord Zuko. We have agreed that we see no problem if this occurs in an AU, but what disturbs us is that people continue to write such pairings in the canon."

Katara spoke up, "We have even seen people listing such stories as 'head-canons;' these go against the very definition of head-canons. A head-canon is an individual's sensible speculations on what might have happened relating to an ambiguous event/point in the canon. The story of our lives between what you see at the end of the Avatar: The Last Airbender series and the beginning of its sequel series The Legend of Korra, is open to many fan interpretations, or head-canons (*promotes "Tales of Republic City" by DJNS*). However, certain facts cannot be disputed. These include: the fact that at some point after AtLA, Aang and I got married; the fact that at some point, we had three children – Bumi, Kya, and Tenzin – together; the fact that as of 171 ASC (Book 2 of LoK), I still miss my husband terribly. And above all, we love each other more than anyone else, except our children, who we love just as much."

Aang continued, "And despite what some fans have claimed, I love all of my children equally, even if I wasn't able to be around my family as much as I would have hoped." Quickly hugging his kids, he resumed, "Now, I know that some people, before we learned of the United Forces, thought that the collar of Bumi's uniform – as it was identical to Iroh II's – indicated that he was secretly fathered by Zuko. And since Kya, except at a young age, doesn't really have any resemblance to me, some have decided that she must have been fathered by Zuko."

Katara put her arm around her husband's shoulder, "Do those of you that thought/think those things seriously believe that I would be so low as to cheat on my husband? The man I was falling in love with when he was just twelve and I fourteen? When I knew at sixteen that I wanted to bear his children?" Katara blushed, "And you know what? Kids, cover your ears. Aang is fully equipped to please me in the bedroom, as well as being the only person who I've ever been, or ever will be, intimate with."

"Sweetie, I think that's a little too personal." Aang's face was the same bright crimson as his wife's.

"It's alright, Aang, the whole world knows. It's the fact some people choose to ignore it that's the problem."

"Right, that whole 'we live in a fictional world with no privacy-thing.'"

"Exactly," Katara returned to facing the readers, "Now, if some of you reading this want to pair me up with Zuko," Katara shudders, "in an AU, I'm perfectly fine with that. But when you destroy the essence of who I am, as well as the basis of Zuko's character, just to please your sick fantasies, then you're crossing the line."

"And most of all," Aang added, "please just leave our kids alone. The 'cloudbabies,' as some of our fans call them, have done nothing to warrant being written off as the sick product of a lustful, twisted tryst between my wife and a man we both see as a brother."

"Plus, you're doing yourselves a disservice if you write stories like that. You are basically promoting, no glorifying, adultery/cheating; acting like it's an acceptable expression of love. In case you didn't know, it's not."

"Our family apparently had its decent share of unnecessary drama (thanks, Bryke, we know our family probably wasn't perfect, but you made two of our kids seemingly resent me for decades); you don't need to add more, especially out-of-character drama, to it. So please, leave my amazing wife Katara, our three beautiful children – Bumi, Kya, and Tenzin, and our great friend Zuko, alone."

"Despite our flaws (which we know of and accept), Aang and I love each other, and our children, more than anything in the world, and we'd just appreciate it if certain fans could stop twisting us into people we aren't."

"So to those of you who are considerate and write AU stories of Katara and Zuko together, we thank you for being respectful of the canon and not destroying characters. And to those of you that support the canon and our relationship ("Kataang"), we thank you for all of your love and support."

A/N – So that's that. I can't really say much more about it. Just felt like I had to write it, even if it didn't turn out like I had originally envisioned it. I was sick and tired of seeing Bumi and/or Kya being written as "secret Zutara love babies" and both Katara and Zuko having their characterization destroyed solely for that reason – turning them into uncaring, lustful, lying adulterers.

This is not an attack on any individual Zutarian. This is a parody of something that has continued to persist in some Zutarian posts and fanfictions to the present day; of authors making a mockery of characters they supposedly love. It makes me sick. If you must know, there was one specific story that set me off and inspired me to write this, but I will not list the author nor name the story. I will give them more respect than what they gave to the characters they destroyed.

I will include links on my profile to tumblr posts that I used as inspiration/resources for writing this story.