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Prelude

Chapter 43

"Well, if it's a party, why aren't spouses invited?"

"Will, you'd be the only one there who's not on the team." Also, you're not a 'spouse'. "And besides, I think Hotch wanted this to be a way for us to come back together. Remember, we were pretty scattered for a few months."

She knew it was more specific than that. She knew Hotch was concerned about how all of them were reacting to the whole deception about Emily, and how they would manage to reintegrate. She also knew that it wasn't just Emily who'd felt separated from the team. Having the knowledge, but keeping it secret, had separated JJ and Hotch from the rest as well. There was a lot of territory for all of them to traverse.

JJ understood all these things about tonight's gathering at Rossi's. What she didn't understand was why in the world Hotch thought it would work.

It's so….staged. So artificial. So blatant. It doesn't seem like Hotch at all.

Most of her didn't want to go. She'd nearly lost her composure after her ill-fated attempt to talk it out with Spence, and still felt on the edge of control. Usually she managed to keep her cool in public by allowing herself to let it out in her private moments. But there hadn't been enough private moments in this day. She'd had to pick up Henry on the way home, and knew, from the after effects of one of her arguments with Will, how frightened Henry became if he saw his mother crying.

She was also determined not to break down again in front of Will, who had already demonstrated his willingness to blame Reid for any upset on JJ's part. She wasn't about to share, with her boyfriend, any part of her argument with her best friend.

Will didn't seem to understand…or maybe he just didn't want to understand….that she wasn't willing to give up on her relationship with Reid. Unless Spence wants to give up on me.

But, increasingly, she'd begun to wonder if she needed to give up on her relationship with Will.

He thinks he's being supportive of me, but it's only out of jealousy of my friendship with Spence. And yet, he's not supportive when it comes to my job, or my life in DC. It feels like he's rooting for this picture he has in his mind of the perfect family unit. But he's not rooting for me. And he doesn't seem to get that he can't have one without the other.

It seemed like every part of her life now was about what separated her, and every love in her life was conditional.

Save one. The littlest person in her life seemed to have a heart bigger than all of the rest. JJ nearly broke down when she bent to say good night to Henry, and found herself bound in the tightest bear hug his little arms could manage.

Empathic Henry. My Henry. I love you so.

Armed with a new infusion of unconditional love, JJ set out to endure the evening at Rossi's.

JJ wasn't the only one who questioned why Hotch had insisted Rossi invite them all over for a cooking lesson.

But the senior profiler knew his team well. He knew they'd find the exercise obvious, ridiculous, pat. But he also knew the message would come across clearly. They weren't going to close the gaps between them with something so simple. It wouldn't be so easy. It would require a lot of interior work on all of their parts, and a facing of hard truths. And, if they valued their work as a team, they were going to have to find a way to make it happen, because he couldn't do it for them.

All he really hoped to accomplish was the beginning of a new set of memories, ones acquired after the great divide, a set of interactions that didn't revolve specifically around serial killers, or the people who fell prey to them. An opportunity for conversations to begin.

But he worried that the member of his team struggling the most with the current situation, the person who most needed resolution, might not attend. That he was simply too hurt, and feeling too alienated, to force himself into a superficial social exchange with the rest. Hotch knew Emily had reached out to Reid already, and been rebuffed. If necessary, he would do his own reaching out.

He was only a few miles from Rossi's place when he received a text from Dave. All had arrived except Reid and JJ, who had called to say she was running late. Hotch considered it a moment, and then decided. He needed to press. He texted Reid.

NEED YOU AT ROSSI'S.

Just that. Purposely ambiguous, leaving Reid to wonder if this was about something more than a social occasion. Hotch trusted that the younger man's sense of duty would trump his resentment, and that he would, indeed, make an appearance tonight.

Hotch shrugged at Rossi. You may as well go ahead and start was the non-verbal communication. Maybe he'd been wrong about Reid's response to his text. But at least JJ had finally arrived.

The others had been making pleasant small talk, trying not to notice that their youngest wasn't among them. Then, as Rossi called them to gather around his cooktop for their lesson, flashes of disappointment crossed their faces. They'd known it was a crazy gesture on Hotch's part. But they'd also seen it as an opportunity for each of them to demonstrate their commitment to moving forward as a team. Now, they weren't at all sure about Reid's commitment.

As he began, none of them could help but smile. Whether it was the readership of his books, or those catching his many television interviews…..or even if it was just most of his team, gathered together in his gourmet kitchen….Dave Rossi loved an audience. He began his cooking lesson with his usual flourish and good humor, quickly engaging the rest. And the delicious aroma already rising from his saucepan didn't hurt.

He missed only a beat with his doorbell rang a few minutes into the lesson. None of his audience noticed because, in the same moment, each of them had run their eyes around the rest, sharing a reaction. Morgan recovered first, and offered to answer the door.

If prayers could come to fruition so quickly, the appearance of Spencer Reid seemed as if an answer to them. He followed Morgan into the kitchen, not sure what to expect. As soon as he took stock of the team gathered in the cooking lesson as planned, he shot Hotch a look. You duped me.

Hotch simply shrugged. You needed to be duped.

Reid may not have been relishing the idea of this gathering, but he hadn't completely given up on the team yet, and was still torn about whether to continue with it. He knew that an abrupt about-face on his part just now would put a nearly insurmountable obstacle between him and the rest, and he wasn't ready to do that. So, after a rapid-fire assessment of his options, he plastered a smile on his face and apologized for being late.

As had the others, JJ turned around to see Reid enter the room. Unlike the others, she quickly righted herself, turning back to face Rossi. She didn't see Reid's eyes settle on her. But she thought she might have felt them.

Hotch poured some wine and, now that they were all gathered, they toasted one another and clinked glasses, superficial smiles and 'cheers' abounding. Certainly, they'd celebrated as a team before. They'd socialized before. But never had it felt like this. Forced, formulaic, formal. The strangeness of it simply served to remind them that they weren't quite 'them' anymore.

Rossi continued with his lesson, and then encouraged them all to try cooking themselves. Reid quickly teamed up with Garcia, to avoid having to pair with either JJ or Emily, and also because he thought she was the least likely to challenge him. She hadn't witnessed the argument today, and she usually did her best to avoid conflict. He considered her his safest option. And he was almost right.

Their pasta was al dente, and their sauce nearly ready. Seizing the opportunity before they finished their dish, Garcia shot her partner a look.

"You can't avoid her forever, you know." Using her low register, so her voice wouldn't carry.

Reid feigned ignorance.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes, you do, my baby genius. My sweet, little baby genius."

She didn't even try to resist the temptation to reach up and pinch his cheek.

"I know you're hurting. To tell you the truth, I'm kind of hurting, too. But I know my girl. And so do you. If she did something that hurt us, she did it because she didn't feel like she had a choice. And even if you think she did have a choice, you have to know that it probably hurt her to keep the secret."

He didn't try to argue the point. Something told him that what he was hearing was wisdom.

"I'm listening."

"I know you don't want to just forget it. Neither do I. And neither, by the way, does JJ. This was a painful thing for all of us. For the whole team. We need to remember it. We need to remember how it felt, so we won't hurt each other this way again. But we also need to get past it."

He swallowed. His subconscious had been giving him this argument for days. To hear it aloud was another thing entirely.

"How?"

She patted his chest. "You forgive, Boy Wonder. You don't have to forget, you just have to forgive."

Looking at him, she could see the words slowly seeping in, but the turmoil was still present in his face.

"It doesn't have to be tonight. Not if you're not ready. But you have to get there. For your sake, as well as hers. We all have to get there."

He nodded, not trusting his voice in the moment.

Later, when it came time to sample what they'd prepared, Reid took a few bites, and declared them delicious. But Garcia noticed that most of it stayed on his plate.

As the evening wore on, and the wine worked its way into them, the conversation seemed to flow more freely, the laughter sounded more genuine. Reid even became engaged in a debate with Morgan over which brand of athletic shoe was best on the basketball court.

"Pretty Boy, when have you ever even played hoop?"

"I don't need to play it, Morgan. It's all physics. I'm just stating facts."

Behind them, JJ was pretending an interest in perusing Rossi's bookshelves, trying not to think about how Reid had managed to avoid speaking directly to her all evening. How he'd been so obvious in pairing up with Penelope for the cooking lesson.

But then she heard his retort to Morgan, and it made her stop in place, a stabbing reminder of that first time they'd gotten together. The 'undate'. When he'd explained football to her as a process of physics. The pain in her heart was bittersweet, as was the memory of that day. Of the game, of the coffee shop afterwards. Of the hot chocolate, and all the hot chocolates that followed. And all the ones that never would, now.

She again felt the threat of the tears that so desperately wanted to be shed, and moved rapidly away before anyone could see. Passing the kitchen, she saw the mess they'd all left behind and decided she might as well busy herself with cleaning up. Rossi heard the water running and tried to shoo her away.

"That's what my cleaning lady is for. She'll be here tomorrow."

"It's all right, Dave. I'm just rinsing…I need….. I'd like to. Is that all right?"

The experienced profiler recognized his colleague's distress and sighed. This evening hadn't really accomplished anything. No one looked genuinely glad to be there, and JJ looked uncharacteristically fragile.

"Rinse away, my friend. Would you like some help?"

She tried to smile at the offer. "That's okay. You have hosting duties to attend to. I'm fine on my own."

He wasn't so sure about that, but he recognized a plea when he heard one, and decided to let her be.

The gathering started to break up around nine. Seeing that the others had begun leaving, JJ jumped at the opportunity to make a semi-graceful exit. She longed for the dark solitude of her car, and the much-needed privacy it would afford her.

"I can see I'm going to have to separate Spencer from my book collection," quipped Rossi as he nodded his head toward the corner where Reid was sitting, apparently engrossed in a book. The senior profiler held JJ's jacket for her as she put her arms through the sleeves.

"Patience, Cara. It will get better."

She could feel her face starting to crumple. With a quick hug and a hoarse, whispered, "Thank you," she exited into the night. The others shouted their 'good nights' to each other, while JJ simply waved at them on her way to her car. She'd arrived after most of them, and was parked near the end of the long driveway.

She'd been clinging so tightly to her composure all evening. All day, actually. Maybe all week. Maybe all my life, she thought, as she felt it start to escape her grasp. JJ was grateful for the mere sliver of moonlight that failed to reflect the tears that would no longer be stayed. The moment she was in her car, she dropped her keys in her lap, and, burying her face in her arms laid across the steering wheel, she wept.

"You can take it home with you, my friend. I don't charge late fees."

"Almost done. Just….." Reid's fingers ran so quickly down the pages that Rossi was fascinated just to watch him. Which he did, for thirty-seven pages.

"Sorry, I was just reading through this one case history." He looked pensive, as Rossi took the book from him.

"From my grandfather's medical textbook? What, is that going to be your next degree?"

"No," dismissed Reid, "it was just that I was thinking…." His eyes darted around the room, noticing for the first time. "Is everyone gone?"

"You didn't hear them all say goodbye to you?" All but one.

"No! I would have…sorry, Rossi. I'm just not good at these things."

"These things?"

"Parties. Social gatherings. You know."

"Hmm. You know, a profiler might think you were trying to avoid certain….interactions, shall we say….by burying your head in a book at a party."

Reid knew better than to protest to the man who'd founded the BAU. Looking abashed, he apologized. "Sorry."

Rossi shook his head. "You don't need to apologize, Spencer. Feelings are feelings. We're human. We have them. We all have them," he added, with meaning. "But the good and bad are the same. They all pass. The happiness comes and goes. But so does the hurt. Don't hold on to the bad feelings, Spencer. When they're ready to be gone, let them go."

Reid looked at him for a long moment, taking it in. Then, with a sad smile, he nodded. "Thanks. Thanks, Rossi. Good night."

Every time she thought she was done, it started again. Every thought that came to mind triggered a fresh rain of tears.

I have made such a mess of my life. The only thing right in it is Henry.

A new wave of grief broke over her, as she thought about how the decisions she'd made might hurt him. In her present state, with all of her defenses down, she'd had to admit to herself that her relationship with Will was, essentially, over. She'd realized they were hurting Henry with their arguments. Henry, perhaps the most important reason for them to stay together, was becoming the most important reason for them to live apart.

But that would cost her son the kind of relationship with his father that JJ had so wanted for the boy. As had Will. Henry was the innocent here. But he would be hurt nonetheless.

But he already is being hurt. By me. And by Will. And now….now maybe he won't even have Spence.

And she started in again, pained by the loss of this most precious relationship in her life, and her role in ending it. But I just didn't know what else to do!

Caught up in her interior dialogue, JJ didn't notice the footsteps that passed by her car. Nor did she hear when they stopped, and then turned back. But she startled when she heard a knock on her car window.

Spence.

He motioned to her to roll down her window. She did so, even as she vainly tried to erase the tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Don't drive like that."

It was all he said. Not, 'are you okay?' or 'what's wrong?'

She wouldn't look at him. Keeping her eyes glued to the wheel, she retorted, "Does it look like I'm driving?"

He waited a beat. "Fair enough. I just don't want you to get into an accident. So please don't drive until you're ready."

She felt bad…..again…..this time, about challenging him. "I won't."

"Good."

She hadn't looked up at him yet, but she had a sense he was still standing there, so she chanced a glance to her left.

"You can go now. I said I wouldn't drive until I'm ready."

He nodded. "I know. I'm not in a hurry. I can wait with you."

JJ rolled her eyes. Can I never have any privacy? Really?

"Spence….." She couldn't keep the break from her voice.

He hesitated, carrying on a rapid-fire internal debate. Then, in a move that was foreign to him, he ignored the debate and acted solely on emotion. Reid opened the car door and reached his hand down, inviting hers into it.

She looked up at him, and then down at his hand, caught off guard by what seemed a friendly gesture. It had been so long… JJ took his hand, and stepped from the car.

As soon as she was out, Reid dropped her hand and put both of his in his jacket pockets. He used his shoulder to motion her forward.

"Let's walk."

He didn't sound angry. Nor did he sound sympathetic. He just sounded like Spence, and he was talking to her. She would take it.

They started slowly down the long driveway, toward a grove of trees that obliterated most of the artificial light of the street lamps, letting only that sliver of moonlight through between branches. JJ kept her silence, not certain exactly what Reid intended.

He wasn't exactly sure what he intended either. He knew he couldn't see her that upset and not respond, especially when he knew he was the subject, if not the cause, of some of that upset.

Does it mean the bad feelings are starting to pass, like Rossi said? Or that I'm ready to forgive?

He didn't think he was quite all the way there yet. Just thinking about it raised his anxiety level. He loved her. He knew that. But he also knew that he wasn't so sure he could trust her. And that thought led to grief.

JJ glanced up at him periodically, and saw the uncertainty in his features.

"Spence?"

Gradually he slowed his steps further, and then came to a stop. When he turned to her, she could see the sorrow in his eyes.

"You hurt me."

The tears started again immediately, not giving her enough warning to try to stop them.

"I know I did. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Spence. I didn't…..I'm sorry." She'd sobbed through the whole thing.

He wanted so badly to comfort her, but then they still wouldn't have gotten anywhere. So he chewed his cheeks for a moment, and then got out the rest of what had hurt him so badly.

"You didn't trust me. I trusted you, but you didn't trust me."

She shook her head. "No. That wasn't it. I trust you, Spence. I trust you with my life. I trust you with Henry's life. That wasn't it."

"Then what?"

"It….. I…." She stopped, not sure she knew how to express it. Trying to gain some control, she took a series of deep breaths, while she tried to collect her thoughts.

"All my life, I've been the kind of person who plays by the rules. I've been the good girl, the good student, the good daughter. Especially because they'd lost my sister, I promised myself I'd never be a disappointment to my parents. I don't think I ever have been. I hope not, anyway. And, now, ever since I've been with the FBI, I've been the loyal, faithful agent. The one who can be relied on. Sure, I can find a loophole along with the best of them, but I always play within the rules."

She paused for breath, and to make sure she still had his attention. It was hard to see his eyes in the dark, but she knew he hadn't moved a muscle.

"I know, it probably seems immature, right? Not the right way for an adult to make decisions. But it's who I am. Who I was, anyway. I even…."

She'd almost said she'd stayed with Will because of Henry, because of it seeming to be 'the right thing'. But, then again, she'd repeatedly turned the man down on marriage. Maybe I am starting to learn how to play outside the rules...

In any event, Will wasn't a part of this conversation. She redirected her words.

"So, when I was put under orders about Emily….. I obeyed them. I…..I understood the risk, if Doyle had found out. But, Spence, I promise you, it wasn't because I didn't trust you not to tell. It was because…. Because I am who I am. For better or worse. Worse, obviously."

She'd been earnest in her explanation, but her shoulders dropped at the end. It didn't sound good enough, even to her.

He lifted his head, obviously looking off over her shoulder, though she still couldn't quite see his eyes. After a while, he spoke.

"You saw how much I was hurting. JJ, I'd never been through anything like that. I didn't know how to handle it. I only knew that I needed… needed…..something. And I thought that something was you. I kept coming to you because you made me feel like there was a reason to hold on. And then….when I found out…..I lost that reason."

Her hands went to her mouth, and she was crying again. The dilaudid. That was when he'd thought about it. That's what he'd told her today. He'd thought about dilaudid when he'd lost the reason to hold on. But he'd never answered her question, when she'd asked, earlier.

"You didn't, did you? Spence, please tell me you didn't."

He shook his head. "I didn't. But I scared myself with it. If I'd had my hands on some…. I don't know what I would have done. I'd like to think I was strong enough to resist, but…"

"You are! You're so strong, Spence. How else could you have gotten through so much in your life?"

He gave her the saddest smile. "I had someone on my side."

That set her off again, this time in a wave so powerful that she couldn't stand. When he saw her start to bend, Reid reached forward and grabbed her. He pulled her in close, and she cried into her hands, her head against his shoulder.

It was minutes before the sobs subsided, and she brought her hands down. But Reid held on. JJ slid her arms around his back and the two stood there, in the dark, silent, for a long time.

Finally, Reid spoke. "I should have trusted you, too."

"What do you mean?" She made to move away so she could look up at him, but he held her in place.

"I should have trusted that you meant well. That you wouldn't have done what you did if you hadn't believed it was the only choice." It was pretty much what Garcia had told him, and it resonated with truth.

She was still sniffling. "I understand why you didn't."

"Thanks."

For some reason, it made her smile. "You're welcome." This time, she did push away. She wanted to see his face, her eyes now accustomed to the dim light.

"Spence…I don't know if we'll ever get back what we had before but….for the record….it's what I want."

He smiled. He smiled!

And then he spoke. "I was just reading a book of Rossi's. One of his grandfather's actually. Did you know his grandfather was a doctor?"

She shook her head. "No."

"Well, apparently he was. And Rossi has a collection of his medical texts. And I was just reading about this one case history. It was about a man who kept having problems because his lung kept collapsing. They'd get it to reinflate, but within a few months, it would collapse again, and again. Do you know how they fixed it?"

She didn't respond. She was used to his rhetorical questions.

"They created adhesions. Scar tissue. The adhesions spanned the space between his chest wall and his lung, and stuck to both. The scar tissue kept the lung open. It was better than the tissue that was supposed to be there. It was thick, and strong. It couldn't be broken."

"And you think…"

"I don't know. But I think….I hope…. maybe, one day, we'll find out this is our scar tissue. Our adhesion."

The thing that would draw them more tightly together than they would have been without the chasm opened between them. The one they would still have to sew together, stitch by stitch.

"God, I hope you're right."

He didn't want to make any false promises. "We have a long way to go, JJ. I know where I want to get to, but I'd be lying if I said I was there already."

"I can wait. Patience is a virtue."

Rossi's wisdom now. It seemed their colleagues were, slowly but surely, knitting together the rift between them.

"But Henry can't wait. Will you come and see him this weekend?"

A wistful look on his face, Reid admitted, "I miss him."

"Rightly so. He's amazing, my little man."

"Our little man." It was out before he thought about what he was saying. "Well, you know what I mean…."

She smiled now, fully, for the first time today. For the first time in many days. "I do. And you're right. Our little man."

"Of course I'll come. I can take him to the park, if you'd like. That will give you and Will some time alone."

"Or I could come with you. Remember how much he likes it when we push him from both sides of the swing?"

She wasn't about to sully the progress they'd made by talking about her situation with Will. And, just maybe, being together with Henry would be a step toward healing in her friendship with Spence.

"Sounds good to me."

The energy of so much emotion finally released, they were both suddenly exhausted. By tacit agreement, they started walking back toward their cars, once again in the comfortable silence they'd so often shared in the past. When they reached her vehicle, JJ turned to Reid again and hugged him tightly, feeling his arms wrapping around her as well.

"Thanks for this. I think I might actually be able to sleep tonight."

He grinned. "Me too."

He opened the door of her car, and she started to get in, but then turned around and grabbed both of his hands and held them.

"Spence, I know this won't be easy. And I'm not expecting you to be suddenly all over it, or that we won't have our moments. But I do know that I'm committed. You're too important to me. My life is so much lesser when you're not in it."

He gulped at that. Even with all they'd shared in the past, she'd never quite expressed that to him. Nor had anyone else in his life.

When he found his voice, he responded. "I feel the same way, JJ. I'm in it for the duration, if you are."

She smiled again. And this time, in the glow of Rossi's outdoor lamp, he could see her eyes. That blue that was somehow the color of the sky and the sea at once. The eyes that so often left him unable to tell if he was floating or flying. All he really knew was that they made him feel weightless. And some of the burden of the last few weeks began to slide away. Some of it.

She was right. It wouldn't be easy. Nor would it be straightforward. Their path to healing would wind them through tragedy, and support, and peril, and caretaking, and even many ordinary, uneventful times of simply being together. But it would weave a plait between them that was strong, and enduring. All they had to do was to start out on it, to take those first steps. And so they had, together.

As the two young profilers finally pulled their cars out of his driveway, Dave Rossi smiled down from the darkened upstairs window that had provided him a bird's eye view of their parting. To him, it had looked friendly. Supportive. Maybe even loving.

Pleased, he pulled out his phone and texted a message to his friend Aaron.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

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FINIS

We are at the end of the beginning.

The story continues in: Her Voice/Echoes/Reverberations/A Song of Their Own/ The Sound of Silence/ Soundings (one shots)

A.N. I want to take this opportunity to say 'thank you' for the encouragement that's come throughout this story, and all the stories before, both in this series and the rest, and the fun of sharing them with you. Very special thanks to those who've offered their specific reactions and insights through your reviews and PMs along the way. I love that you are so eloquent about what's moved you, what's made you wonder….and even what might have caused you to roll your eyes! FFN, and your responses, have awakened a love of writing just for the fun of it. It was a major surprise to this very 'word-fussy' author. So, thank you. It's been a joy.