a/n: someone asked me to clear something up for them, so this is my answer. i can't quite explain what karkat did to john, as it's a huge mystery until the reader discovers it later on when i finally reveal it. i will give hints every now and then so you can guess what happened. all i can say is it fucked john up pretty bad.

When the Existentialist awoke again, he was some place soft and warm. His hands curled around the fabric beneath him, determining it was a bed he was sleeping on. His eyes were not yet open, kept closed because whatever was in front of him was bright and bothersome. He screwed up his face in aggravation, trying to turn away from the light but finding himself immobile, like he was paralyzed. Someone called to him.

Wake.

He opened his eyes, finding himself staring at bright rectangular lights, the ones with long rods for bulbs. He turned his head, finally being able to move after opening his eyes. No one was here, it seemed. Just the bright lights and sunshine glinting from the window. He heard birds chirping outside and he guessed it was morning.

God, his head felt awful. Bloated, inflamed, exerting pressure on his skull. He groaned and placed a hand over his eyes feeling the rough coating of… Bandages? He looked at his hands and wrists, seeing they both were bandaged up tight. He curled his fingers, watching the bandage flex around the portion they halfway covered. How did this happen exactly? What went on the other night? He disregarded the bandages and placed both his hands on his head and rubbed his temples, trying to coax the headache and remember fragments.

They came flashing to his mind. Angry screaming, blood squirting from his wrists, the knife. The knife. Oh God, the knife.

His hands flew to their sides and he sat up, pulling the covers away from himself and attempting to get out of the hospital cot he was laid on, but he was unable. He looked at the IV drip he was hooked up to, and aggressively he ripped it out of his arm and walked forward, steps wobbly and threatening to let him fall to the ground.

Some machines started beeping and he covered his ears why were they so loud he wanted them to shut up he wanted everyone to shut up he needed to get the knife.

Go get the knife go get it go get it you worthless disgsuting piece of filth go get it kill yourself watch yourself bleed and die vile monster

I am getting the knife I am getting it I will kill myself. The Existentialist was getting the knife he was getting it he was going to kill himself. He walked out the door and down the hallway wherever there were knives or sharp things, oh yes the kitchen, there should be something sharp in the kitchen there are sharp things everywhere like what doctors do to people in surgery they cut them open with butcher knives and eat their livers and you are one of them do you see the bandages on your wrists that was their fault you didn't cause that go get the knife.

A nurse grabbed him by the wrist, asking him what he was doing. He screamed, pushing her away they were going to eat his liver like the others they wanted his flesh all of it oh my God he was going to die here.

More nurses came, taking him by the hand ushering him away with quiet words but their faces were different they were all mutated with tumors and pustules and sharp teeth bulging eyeballs they melted his skin with one touch it hurt so much what the fuck are you doing push these whores away go get the knife and finish your job.

The Existentialist would have done the job already were it not for these nurses. They kept coming in packs, their long sharp tongues hanging out of their jaws and reaching forward to lick his face but he pushed them away he pushed all of them away he screamed at them to not take his liver they weren't going to take his liver shit shit shit why were they all here why did they exist why couldn't he just go off and kill himself in peace.

Finally there was a break in the crowd and he pushed through them all, finding himself in a whole hallway full of strangers their faces mutated and not fully developed like they were all made wrong in the womb and it was scary and they were all out to get him they looked at him through seeingless eyes clouded with hate and wrath he wasn't safe anymore he was safe nowhere.

Suddenly the Existentialist was grabbed from behind by someone that wouldn't let go. This was it, this was it. He screamed at them he tried to wriggle away he punched he kicked he bit he what are you doing THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING DAMMIT KILL HIM KILL HIM.

He couldn't kill him he couldn't do it he wasn't a murderer. He was a monster, he knew that much but he wasn't a murderer. He hung limp in his arms and the sky grew dark again but not before he saw a figure standing before him. His silver eyes were so familiar and haunting and the Existentialist started sobbing, weeping before him. He was giving him a look of pure disgust and hatred. He was so sorry. This was his fault, this was all his fault.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I don't… I never wanted this…" His eyelids drooped and he was taken away once again in a dizzying void of black.

Karkat Vantas was the happiest person in the world. He was also the luckiest. He was holding John's hand. John was with him, John liked him back. He was so happy.

He strolled down the hallway, his hand still imprisoned in John's and he was unwilling to ever let it go. He dragged him along like a ragdoll. He seemed scared, helplessly clinging to Karkat and that's what Karkat wanted. A pathetic, hardly capable lover who he'd cure with his own good intentions, and of course this lover would cling to him always, craving his love. He smiled, watching John out of the corner of his eye, ocean eyes expressionless and oh my God, he was so close to John it was almost unreal. He hoped this wasn't a dream.

John noticed him looking at him and he gave a small smile. It sent shivers up Karkat's spine. John must be the most forgiving person in the world if he could even look at him after what happened and he was so thankful. There was a God out there that gave a shit about his romantic feelings.

"Let's go see what Dave and Sollux are up to." Karkat stated, turning down their hallway and continuing to drag John along. He went with it with no comments.

He smiled at the thought of Dave and Sollux's reactions. Dave was going to be so jealous. Now Karkat could finally give him what he had been feeling for the past couple weeks, no check that, about a month.

He knocked on their door once they arrived and Sollux opened it, immediately allowing them inside. Dave sat up on his bed when he saw them come in, glancing up from his iPhone for a minute then double taking when he saw Karkat's hands intertwined with John's. He put away his phone and cocked his head in questioning and Karkat just beamed.

"So, uh, how'd that happen? Is that what you two were doing on the roof while we were down here?" Dave asked. He seemed tense, albeit a bit surprised in noticing they were now together.

"Yeah, we had a nice talk. Really nice. Right, John?" John nodded in a robotic motion. Karkat smirked.

"So... You just came here to tell me this? That you guys are now boyfriends?" Dave's eyebrows were raised about his sunglasses. He was still seeming to shake his head in small motions in disbelief.

"Well, yeah. It's pretty good news, right?" Karkat scrunched his eyebrows together, still smiling at Dave.

Dave seemed to understand his cockiness and growled, "Dude, you're gloating big time right now. Is this some ploy to make me jealous? It's not working."

Karkat rolled his eyes, "Pff, of course not. I'm just telling you."

"Oh yeah? Since when did "just telling" turn into some egotistical brag fest? You're pathetic."

At this, Karkat let go of John's hand. He disregarded how John shrunk back towards the door at that, seeming to be intimidated by the raising of voices from both the bickering boys, "I'm not bragging, Dave. It's obvious you're jealous of John and I."

"Jealous? That's funny. Karkat, don't pretend like I didn't notice the way you saw John and I. You gave us dirty looks every time we talked to each other. You complained to Sollux about us behind our backs. If anything, you were the one that was jealous of us this entire time"

John whimpered. Karkat ignored him, "You're such a hypocrite, Dave."

"Look who's talking." Dave started laughing in Karkat's face. This wasn't a good idea.

Karkat charged towards Dave, holding the collar of his shirt and snarling in front of him. Dave pushed back on him and it turned into a wrestling competition between the both of them, yelling curses at each other and tussling on Dave's bed.

Sollux looked over at John, shocked at how Dave and Karkat were acting. John was cowering in front of the door, looking like he was about to bolt out of the room, but being unable to. He was covering his ears and crying. Sollux ran over to him, comforting him the best he could and alerting Dave and Karkat, "Guys."

They didn't listen to him, still arguing and wrestling. To Sollux, they were high school girls almost, cat-fighting over a boy they both liked. His voice grew firmer, "Guys."

John let out a sob in defiance, and finally Karkat looked up, making Dave turn towards his direction. When they saw John, they both let go of each other and Karkat pushed Sollux out of the way, hugging John who silently protested against his touch.

"John, it's alright. I didn't mean to." John wiggled out of Karkat's arms and burst out of the room, rocketing straight towards his room.

"Wait, John!" Karkat followed him in hot pursuit, hoping he hadn't scared John too much.

In the aftermath after their leave, Sollux looked over at Dave and started for him, "Strider-"

Dave turned his back on him, "Whatever." He mumbled and sat back down on his bed, grabbing his headphones and trying to block out the world.

"Dave, really." Sollux placed a hand on his shoulder. After a long pause of silence, Dave finally withdrew his headphones, the music still blasting from the speakers.
"What?" He asked, not looking at his best friend.

"Are you jealous?"

Dave answered immediately, almost cutting Sollux off from his question, "No, I'm the exact opposite. I'm worried, Sollux."

"Why?"

"John told me something about him. Karkat, I mean."

"What? What did he tell you?"

"Promise not to tell anyone else, okay?" Another pause. Finally, Dave motioned for Sollux to lean forwards and Dave whispered something into his ear. Sollux's eyes widened, and he glanced back at the closed door.

The shuffle of skin against skin penetrated the silence of a dark room at night. Whisperings of shy love grazed John's ears as Karkat nuzzled the skin just underneath them. He smiled on John's flesh and kissed it repeatedly, as if it would give him life after death.

John's fingers scrunched up the bare skin of Karkat's back, dragging his nails up and down, leaving trails of red wherever his fingers touched the human canvas. One mark was harder than the rest, leaving a drop of blood to shiver down Karkat's back onto the mattress below as he lay atop John, grinding his hips down onto the skinny boy that sent shrill chirps of whimpers, shaking Karkat from head to toe.

Breaths quickened, and a hand fumbled to a zipper. Karkat helped John as he shakily removed his pants. Karkat removed his own with dignified pride and a smile unseen by his partner. He continued to kiss John all over, lips smacking. John remained immobile, pinned down, useless. The night drew on, and John was sinking further and further into nothing.

Morning came soon. The two were sleeping on opposite sides, pinned to their own beds as if it was their rightful place. John awoke before Karkat, slipping outside to play the piano. When Karkat waked, he searched for John until he found him playing. He smiled, but frowned when he realized the notes felt wrong. Everything felt wrong, off-key, and hard to listen to. He winced as the sharp chords hit his ears and bounced incorrectly off his ear drums.

He walked into the activity room, making sure not to make any noise to disturb John as he stared blankly at his rapidly moving fingers that slipped up often, shaking and collapsing with every strike. Karkat sighed to himself. He hoped John still wasn't mad at him for the trouble he had caused with Dave the other day. He had apologized profusely to him, and the two made up afterwards, but... Something was still off. He was silent still. He had been silent yesterday. He had been silent for the few hours of today. Karkat rubbed his head, almost as if he was already apologizing again to John. He then proceeded to sit down on the bench next to him. At this, John abruptly stopped, then turned to look at Karkat with dark, emotionless eyes awaiting some kind of sick, labored ask. He waited for him to speak.

Karkat's mouth felt dry. He swallowed some, clearing his throat and repeating his name as he hadn't a clue what else to say, "John?"

Again, John stayed silent, looking at him expressionless.

"Are you alright?"

He answered, his voice quiet, swallowing rocks as he stumbled over words easy to enunciate, "I... I am fine." He closed his eyes as if it was too painful to bare keeping them open.

Karkat understood. He wasn't stupid, he could tell when he was being lied to. Calmly, he reached forward and hugged him and John stayed still for the most part, his body vibrating willingly, a constant nervous tremor sending spasms through his spine. Karkat hoped to quell even these involuntary shivers.

But then he stood up. He walked away. He went floated down the hall and back to his room to lay in his bed and weep while Karkat stood almost miles away in the other room, wondering what he did wrong and not hearing the mournful wails of agony as John retched up all the tears he could muster.

John was a man of many faces, he could see. His arms lay pale beside him, weeping scarlet onto his bed covers. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to be getting better.

But when the voices came back to haunt him, he found it impossible to defend his own mind, to halt the process of ripping his skin open every night again and again.

No one knew, and it was better this way. It was better to hide it from everyone because no one understood. Everyone glared at him with undeserving faces, eyes mixed with hatred at him. Only him.

John knew he was losing himself again. But he didn't mind. He wished to be nothing once more.

Karkat awoke the next morning with an urgent call from the nurse to report immediately to the front desk of the ward. He walked there without questioning, slowly forming a slight anxiety inside as he could see the outline of the security guard waiting beside the elevator, giving him a quick glare of apparent suspicion that made Karkat shiver in spite of himself. He remained calm however, and gave him a soft nod as he passed.

To Karkat's surprise, it was Kankri waiting beside the nurse that had called for him. He wanted to beam upon seeing him, but then remembered the possibility that his father might be with him, as he had stated that he would try to make him visit.

Nevertheless, it was Kankri's first visit here since he had been admitted and Karkat had been afraid he had forgotten his promise. But Kankri never lied and he never dared to let his brother down. So, he let his smile show as he approached Kankri and for a minute, he thought he would smile back and comment on how the frown he held was slowly fading, but he didn't. He remained almost as blank as Karkat had been the first night he was here. Fear bubbled in his stomach for Kankri never acted this way unless it was something very serious.

"Hey, Kankri! I was wondering when you'd be coming to visit! It's great to see you." Karkat greeted. He didn't make a motion to embrace him as from the look on his face it wasn't what he was expecting.

"Karkat, while it is a pleasure to see you again as well, there is... Something important and possibly shocking I need to tell you." He seemed to almost reach out a hand to comfort Karkat for whatever was coming up, but retreated at the last minute as he continued, "Father is dead."

For a minute, time stood still. Karkat's smile too faded and he stared blankly back at his brother, "What...?" It was like when he had heard of his mother's death. For a moment, he convinced himself it wasnt true. Kankri was just joking, wasn't he?

But the sincerity of his watering eyes made Karkat know that this was the truth. While Karkat initially thought he would jump for joy at the mention of his father's death, he felt crushed. It was so sudden, so unexpected.

"How... How did it happen?" He stumbled, trying to avert his eyes so Kankri couldn't see the tears welling up in them.

This movement was unsuccessful, as Kankri pressed his hand to Karkat's cheek and rubbed a stray tear from his face while continuing, "A heart attack. He had, apparently, a blocked artery without his knowing that caused it."

Karkat moved away from Kankri's hand, rubbing his own sleeve on his eyes to dry them. He was about to ask about a funeral service when Kankri answered his own thoughts.

"There will be a funeral service held. I already talked to some nurses about letting you come, and though it was very hard for them to get you out for just a while, I have managed to give you permission to leave for just the funeral."

"Okay, but-" Karkat was interrupted for out of the corner of his eyes he spotted John slowly shuffling his feet towards him, arms wrapped around himself. He was wearing one of Karkat's sweaters, and it draped upon him like a deadweight, falling in folds at his waist. Karkat smiled at his partner's show of affection for wearing his sweater.

John, for one instance, glanced at Kankri and then back to the floor. Karkat took his shoulder and addressed him to his brother, "This is John, my, uh, boyfriend." He paused for a minute, suddenly unsure if Kankri wouldn't like what he considered John.

Kankri seemed totally oblivious, and nodded once as acknowledgement and possibly understanding of his brother's sexuality, "It's nice to meet you John, I'm Kankri, Karkat's older brother." He reached out a hand in front of John, but he stared at it just as blankly as he was doing with the floor. Kankri raised an eyebrow, but retracted his upturned palm anyway.

"The funeral is tomorrow. I will come to pick you up early and we'll shop for a suit for you to wear. I already have mine."

"Um, okay... One more thing, though." Karkat had an idea, and he wasn't sure if was a good one or not, or if it was even possible.

"Yes?"

"Can John come along?" Karkat gripped John's shoulder tighter. For once, his head popped up, and he stared at Karkat with slightly enough emotion to show surprise.

Kankri was just as puzzled, "Karkat I don't think that's-"

"It is quite alright." A sudden, eloquent voice interrupted Karkat's brother and a dainty hand was placed on Kankri's shoulder. A nurse Karkat had seen several times around smiled warmly at him, emerald green eyes soft and kind.

She stepped towards John and patted his back. He seemed graciously accepting of her presence, "John would love to go out in the open for a while. He's been here for... I must say a quite long time. He'll be pleased to be outside. However, I must ask you gentlemen to watch him carefully. If he ever acts out of ordinary, you must take him straight back."

She rustled John's hair playfully and then came towards Karkat. She reached into her pocket and placed something in Karkat's hand. It was her ID card for unlocking the stairs and elevator. Karkat raised his eyebrows at her but she just ignored his expression, "Karkat, I want you to take good care of John for me. He's very different from the rest of you. I know you have a good heart inside of you, Karkat, and you know you have it too. Promise me something..."

"Um... Yes?" Karkat stared into her eyes, finding some sort of twinkle in them. She knew.

"Do what you think is right."

"Alright... Yes, yes ma'am." Karkat stammered, still looking in her eyes but wanting to look away because of the guilt slowly consuming him.

She seemed to notice this uncertainty in Karkat's tone of voice, "Is there something on your mind?"

"No, no ma'am. And... Thanks for the card, um, Kanaya." Karkat read her name off of the card, trying hard not to mess up the syllables in her name. She smiled again and placed her hand on his cheek for just a moment, but long enough for Karkat to remember, just slightly, the curves and cracks of his mother's palms. She walked down the wing where John and Karkat's room was, disappearing into a room for staff members. Karkat stared at the spot where she left for a while, before Kankri announced he was leaving and Karkat waved a half-hearted hand, still staring.

"Kankri, I honestly don't understand why we have to buy a suit. I already have one." Karkat kept staring at the nice, white tuxedos on display behind glass cases as they passed through row after row of men's dresswear. He didn't feel comfortable here from all the money screaming out of the fabrics and the price tags. He didn't even expect Kankri had a lot of money being a college student, he just expected to be given a hand-me-down.

"Karkat, that suit is nearly six years old. You have grown a lot since then. I have the price covered as far as you're concerned. Thank goodness I didn't have to pay for John's. It was very nice for his guardian to come bring him one."

Karkat nodded, accepting his answer to some extent. He looked behind him at John who was trailing behind, looking at everything on display. He was already in his suit, or in his case, jacket. He was wearing a dress shirt underneath with some nice straight pants. At least he didn't look miserable, in fact, he looked nonchalant. Karkat turned back to look ahead, but walked slower so he could try to match the shambling pace of John.

Kankri stopped to look at some cheaper dress shirts for Karkat, and he guessed he was going for the same look John had. Karkat thought about how getting his suit all went down. He wasn't there when John's grandfather arrived, but from what Dave had told him he seemed stressed and tired, and almost frightened of John. Of course this bothered Karkat to the point where he wanted to scream and yell at John until he spilled something about his past, but he didn't, because he didn't want to scare John- well... It was hard to put it.

When Karkat realized John wasn't right behind and hadn't been for some time, he turned around to see him staring at a nice white jacket on display, complete with a white business hat. He seemed distressed. Karkat walked over to him, touching his shoulder. He flinched just slightly, but not enough for Karkat to notice.

"You okay?" Karkat asked, and John's lips curled up and suddenly his hands flew to his face and he began sobbing. Karkat stood there dumbstruck, not sure what he should do. He hugged John and directed him back near Kankri.

Kankri looked at him the same way Karkat had, maybe in a softer more understanding way, "Is he alright?"

"Yeah, he just..." John sent out a racking sob that made Karkat flinch and look around him to make sure no one was staring at them, "I... Don't really know to be quite honest."

"John?" Kankri leaned in towards him and finally he opened a mouth to speak, but instead squawked one hardly recognizable word beneath the cascade of tears, "... Hat."

Karkat raised an eyebrow and then looked back at the hat on display that John was looking at, "The hat? What? Do you want it?"

John violently shook his head, "No, no, no, no..."

"Then... What? What is it, John?"

He shook his head again, and kept shaking it, his tears drying eventually as he stopped sobbing. He seldom hiccuped afterward, and constantly rubbed his face with his arms, ruining his nice jacket he was wearing. Kankri looked at Karkat who just shrugged, not sure what the hell happened just then.

As Karkat shuffled around in the fitting room, trying on the several outfits Kankri had picked out for him, there was a knock at his door.

"Are they looking okay?" Kankri called and Karkat sent out a grunt of approval as he shimmied into some dress pants.

"Karkat, by the way, I have one question..."

"Yeah?" Karkat paused in what he was doing so he could hear the question better.

"Is John... Schizophrenic?"

"What?" Karkat was instantly puzzled, "Of course he's not, why do you ask?"

"Well, I just..." He trailed off and Karkat guessed he was looking at John in the aisles close by, making sure he was alright where he was and wouldn't have a nervous breakdown in the middle of the store again.

"I mean, Karkat, he just seems a little..."

"Off? Yeah, I know. He was always that way, well, not really. He was fine when I first arrived. Just don't worry about it, he's fine."

"Karkat aren't you concerned about this? I'd be asking around about it, that is, if it's alright."

"I have asked around and nobody would tell me anything, not even John himself. Besides, if he was schizophrenic, wouldn't he be a little more fucked up? He's probably just has... Severe depression."

"Karkat, you are severely depressed, and you don't act like this, at least not all the time. I'm telling you, there's something up about John and I just want to make sure you and him are safe."

"Look, Kankri, John is... Well, he's not fine, but he's not fucked up, okay? He's just..." He couldn't find a word for it.

"Different?" Kankri suggested.

Karkat sighed, "Yeah, I guess so."

The funeral wasn't as large as Karkat expected, considering his father didn't know too many people and didn't have many friends. It was mostly distant relatives that Karkat hardly recognized any more or remembered the names of. He sat in the third row of pews with John and secluded himself.

Kankri was smiling when he sat by Karkat, then turning serious.

"Did you have fun?" Karkat asked sarcastically, and Kankri shushed him.

The funeral dragged. It wasn't that Karkat didn't feel any bother towards it, he did, he really did. He was sad but... Angry. He was angry at the priest who stood up feeding lies to the crowd about how wonderful of a man his father was when Karkat knew he was the exact opposite. Karkat felt bad about admitting this, because he was supposed to be crying here. He was supposed to feel like he did when his mother died, but instead he just felt this rage. At his father, at everyone.

He kept it in for the most part, but it kept building. His hands tightly gripped his pants. Kankri didn't notice it, but John did, and he shrank away, trembling. Not that Karkat noticed this either.

Each and everything the priest spewed out in his sermon made Karkat's blood boil. He couldn't take it anymore. He slammed his hands on the bench in front of him, sat up, and screamed as loud as he could for the priest to shut the fuck up.

Immediately, Kankri had grabbed Karkat and was wrestling him back to his seat. John had his hands slapped over his ears, beginning to cry like a child during a thunderstorm. Karkat broke free, stomping up to the front of the church, up to his father's casket. He was going to push it over. He was going to stomp on the dirty, rotten, filthy man that came out of it. He was going to kill him a second time.

He screamed this aloud of course, causing a ruckus from the other people who ran for him to stop him. Kankri pushed through the crowds, shouting his brother's name, and from the fray of the priest shouting above the banter that this was a holy place and the fighting should cease, Karkat's bloodcurdling screeches of revenge turning garbled and choppy, and Kankri begging his brother just give up, there was a blur and John was outside the door, in the parking lot, at Kankri's car, realizing it was locked, and simply bolting to sidewalk and running down whatever street was there. He stopped several blocks ahead, panting, crying, and shouting phrases that made no sense.

He turned back however, and when a lady walking her dogs asked him if he was alright, he simply said with a pained smile, tears streaming down his face, "Don't worry about it, everything's gonna be fine!"