I wanted to write, so I went and visited the askbox of one of my followers on Tumblr (i will refrain from naming the person because i don't have their permission to use their name. i will be asking tho.) The ones I received for this fic were: Yami Bakura, a Knife, Yuugi, and Yuugi's bedroom.

This story will not go like you think it will. It didn't go the way I thought it would as I wrote it. I have issues, srsly.

So, enjoy what I guess you could call my unwilling attempt to write crack.

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN YU-GI-OH OR ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT. I OWN THIS STORY ONLY. I MAKE NO PROFIT FROM THIS WORK. THIS IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY!

It was late in the evening, around 10 pm. The game shop was closed for the day, and Yuugi had retired to his room. The lamp on his bedside table gave off a soft glow, illuminating the room in a warm and comfortable light. And as he laid back on his pillows, sprawled out on his bed, his thoughts simply drifted. He and his friends were taking advantage of a lull between duels and adventures to have some off time at home. And even though he had tons of things he needed to catch up on, like school work, he just couldn't bring himself to get up and do it. No, he wanted to relax and enjoy the peace and quiet of the evening, the sounds of the slowly winding down city drifting through his bedroom window, which was open to let in the cool breeze of the early fall. And so he lay there, thinking about random things, the tape Joey had given him earlier that day coming to mind and making him cringe slightly. Holy Ra, there was no telling what was on it.

A lone figure drifted down the sidewalk, hands shoved in his pockets, his gaze piercing through even the darkest of shadows. His hair, as pale as the moonlight filtering through the clouds above, seemed to glow wherever it touched him. His thoughts were not pure by any means.

He had taken over his host a few days back, and had been reaping the benefits of a warm, living body. But today, when he had raided the fridge yet again for another feast of his host's delicious food, he had found the item to be empty save for a half-full bottle of ketchup and an old take out container of what appeared to have once been General Tso's chicken. To put it bluntly, he was starving. Yet, he didn't want to give up control just yet. He would have one more meal before retreating into the dark sanctuary of the ring.

But he had a problem. He didn't have any money. And debit cards with all their numbers and instructions failed him.

Slowly toying with the blade in his pocket, he wandered aimlessly, wondering where he could pick up a quick bite. At this point he didn't really care what it was, as long as it was food, and it was in his stomach.

His feet kept moving, only to freeze mid-step when he heard a shout of alarm from above. Looking up, he was surprised to find that he had wandered half way across Domino, right up to the sidewalk beside the game shop where the Pharaoh and his host dwelled.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL JOEY?!" A pause. "DUDE, SERIOUSLY, I AM NOT INTO THIS LEVEL OF KINKY!"

Bakura thought fast. He had a knife. Little Pharaoh's window was open. And he would have food. Probably a fully-stocked kitchen!

"WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BE INTO THIS KIND OF STUFF?! AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM?!"

Spying a drain pipe leading from the ground up to the roof, he made his plans as he shimmied up the side of the building. He'd hold the boy at knife point, and make him cook something for him. After he was done, he'd kill the brat, take the puzzle and a snack to-go, and make his way back to his host's apartment.

Simple, right?

Stepping down on the roof, he hunched down and crab walked over to the skylight, peering inside. There stood Yuugi, frozen in front of a TV, the picture on it paused to show three people in the middle of…

Well, this isn't that kind of story, so let's just say it's bad. It involves rubber bands and a toy boat, okay?

… Anyway, after getting over the scene on the screen, Bakura pulled out the knife. The handle was of solid wood and steel, and pretty long. The blade, roughly nine inches in length, came to be clenched between his teeth as he made his way down to the lower roof right below Yuugi's window, which was wide open. Careful, so as not to alarm the boy, he crept inside, stepping down onto his desk and over the various piles of papers, cards, and magazines.

Meanwhile, Yuugi was getting in a last word with his friend on the phone. "I swear to god if you EVER give me something like this to watch again, I'm going to shove a toy boat up YOUR ass, got it?! Now good night!"

Snapping his cell phone closed, his eyes rose to glare at the TV. 'Oh well, maybe next time he'll give me something decent.' He cut the set off, sighed, and turned around to go back to bed, only to come face-to-face with a really long knife, and one of his arch enemies at the end of it.

"Good evening, little pharaoh~ Plans not working out for you?" Bakura stepped forward, making Yuugi take one back to avoid being jabbed in the eyeball with the very pointy end of the blade.

"B-Bakura! How did you get in here?!" He asked, not knowing if he should be scared or pissed. He kept taking steps backwards as Bakura advanced on him. The evil spirit was unpredictable, and could snap at any moment.

The other laughed throatily, waving his weapon back and forth slowly in front of the boy's face. "Now now, I'll be asking the questions, brat." He smirked when Yuugi's back met the TV, an 'oomph' sound escaping him. "Now, you will either cooperate with me, or I'll slit you from asshole to appetite. Got it?!"

Yuugi nodded, swallowing hard and keeping his mouth shut. This was bad, really bad.

Bakura narrowed his gaze, and then nodded towards the door. "Kitchen, now!"

Taking a deep breath and trying not to think about the other behind him, Yuugi led them out of his room and down the stairs, weaving around the living room furniture to the more open area that was the kitchen/dining room. "Please, Bakura! Tell me what you want!"

"I said move!" He shoved the other forward with a foot to his back, making the boy stumble across the room to smack into the counter top.

Looking around, he smirked even bigger. He could smell where the evening meal had been cooked earlier. Whatever it had been, it smelled delicious! His stomach agreed with an angry rumble, demanding to be filled. He laid his eyes back on Yuugi, and motioned to the cupboards.

"Make me food, brat! NOW!"

"Uhh… okay?" Scrambling away from the mad man, Yuugi rushed to the cupboards, pulling open the first one he came to. Inside was a variation of snack foods and sweets. "E-excuse me, but w-what do you want me to make you?!"

By this point, the lingering aroma of dinner had Bakura's patience stretched to its fullest. Growling, he stalked over to where the other stood, and shoved him out of the way. Anything would do! He reached in, and grabbed the first thing his fingers brushed across, his other hand keeping Yuugi at knife point.

What he grabbed was a bag of cooler ranch Doritos. Yuugi's cooler ranch Doritos, to be exact.

"Ah, perfect!" He tore the bag open with his teeth, keeping one eye on the boy as his hand fished around and grabbed a handful of the crunchy snack. Cramming it all in his mouth, he munched away, humming his approval as the tangy, tart taste of ranch flooded his taste buds. My, but these were good.

Meanwhile, Yuugi's attention had shifted from the knife in his face to the bag being violated by the spirit. His Doritos… his yummy, delicious Doritos. They were hard as hell to find in Domino, so getting his hands on them was a rare treat indeed. A

But here was this monster… this, this FIEND! ... Standing in his sparkly clean kitchen stuffing his hole with his favorite food!

A single tear fell down his cheek, his mind unable to comprehend the horrors taking place in front of him. Each smack of those lips, every time the grubby hand of the thief dug around in his treasured food… it was too much to take.

"B-Bakura, please! Don't eat them all! They're so precious, so very precious…"

Bakura only glared at him, shoving yet another handful in his mouth. Fuck this kid; he'd eat them all if he wanted to! Noticing the pained expression on his face, he grinned, an idea coming to mind.

"Oh Ra yes, these are sooo good! It's like an orgasm in my mouth, mmm!"

He licked his fingers clean slowly, twirling his tongue around each digit as to savor each and every delectable crumb. "It must be manna from the gods themselves."

His hand dove in the now mostly empty bag, seizing up another handful, and shoveling them into his mouth with gusto. "Ahh, mmm~" He moaned around his mouthful. "It feels so good going down my throat. So crunchy… so ranchy… "

The villain didn't get the chance to go any farther. He was reaching for what would probably be the last few chips when a coffee pot met the side of his head. Hard.

"BACK THE FUCK OFF MY DORITOS, BITCH!"

Bakura stumbled backwards, holding the side of his head. Damn, that hurt! Looking up, he froze mid-stumble as the now enraged Yuugi raised the pot, and brought it down on his head yet again. He yelped as his fingers were crushed against his skull.

"HEY! What the hell is your prob-"

Yuugi struck again, and then slung the pot across the room. Thank god it was stainless steel. He didn't want to explain why they had to buy another coffee maker… again.

"THOSE ARE MY FAVORITE, YOU BASTARD!"

He kicked out, catching the thief in the thigh, then again in the stomach. Looking around, his eyes found the rolling pin his mom kept out on the counter for making bread. Grabbing it, he proceeded to go to town on Bakura.

Bakura, now a bit frightened, did his best to shield himself from the blows, his arms and head soon collecting quite a few bumps and bruises. His knife was on the floor, forgotten.

"Holy Ra, calm the fuck down! They're just chips, sheesh!"

There was a pause. Looking up through his hands, his eyes widened in horror as a malicious red aura surrounded the short duelist. The waves of rage being emitted almost made him piss himself.

Huh. This wasn't as simple as he first thought.

"They… are not… just chips… THEY ARE MY DORITOS, YOU FUCKTARD!"

And with that, Yuugi unleashed his full rage on the white haired man, chasing him through the kitchen and living room, back up the stairs. Bakura chanced one look behind him, but yelped when he saw the rolling eyes and foaming mouth. Oh hell no, fuck this! He'd rather starve than have to deal with a crazy Yuugi.

He scrambled over to the window, and dove out of it head first. Rolling down the roof, he landed on the sidewalk with a nasty crunch. Not wasting time to check if he was injured or not, he ran off into the night, howling as the rolling pin, now projectile nailed him in the back of the head.

Huffing and panting, Yuugi watched with a glare as Bakura disappeared into the shadows. Who the hell did he think he was, sneaking in someone's house and eating all their Doritos?! Bitch was crazy, that's for sure.

Closing and locking the window, double checking it to make sure it was completely closed, he then walked over and picked up his cell phone from where he had dropped it on the floor. He pulled up Joey's number, and pressed the send button. A couple of seconds later, the line picked up on the other end.

"Yug? Something else wrong?"

"Get your ass over here with some decent porn and a six-pack. OH, and grab me some Doritos from the store, would you? I'm all out."

"On my way man."

Yuugi closed his phone with another snap, and smiled happily. Maybe the night wasn't a complete loss after all.

The Lesson: DON'T FUCK WITH YUUGI'S DORITOS!