Title: Terms of Endearment

Author: Eiseedoesit

Rating: M

Summary: Megatron drafts a peace treaty to end the war. Poor Optimus didn't catch the fine print. Crack galore. Meg/Opt.

A/N: I imagined G1 with a dash of TFP and Bayverse when I wrote this, but feel free to imagine the characters as you please, it is crack XD. Don't take it seriously folks, it's meant for laughs, nothing more ^_^

"Go over it. Again." Ironhide seethed, shoving the data pad on Prowl's chassis for the sixth time that hour, "We must have missed something. There has to be way for Prime to get out this…this mockery of a peace treaty!"

"You can go through every line, search between each letter and word, and put that pad through every scanner you can find," Megatron stood with his arms crossed, the wide smile on his frightful face as disturbing as they come, "The terms are quite clear."

"I can't believe we trusted a fragging con," Ratchet grabbed the data pad from a very bewildered Prowl and threw it right back at Megatron, "And their leader no less!"

"It isn't Lord Megatron's fault that you failed to detect the fine print detailing the conditions for peace," Shockwave said, his tone so flat and matter-of-fact it was almost insulting, "Nor is it Lord Megatron's fault that you were foolish enough to trust your supposed enemies. Nor is it his fault that your peace-hungry Prime signed himself away unknowingly."

"I'd scrap you and turn you into a trash compactor myself," Ratchet snapped back.

"Then a trash compactor I shall be. But it will not change the terms." Shockwave said. His sole optic glanced briefly at the discarded data pad, "You can destroy that all you want. We have multiple copies."

"Prime—" Magnus turned to their leader who was currently still in a state of shock, "You can't let this happen."

"Oh, he already did," Megatron said, extending his arms out in a mock show of an embrace, "Can't you read his own signature? I thought you would all be familiar with it. But if you need a reminder then let us oblige."

As it to emphasize it further, Soundwave projected an image of the data pad outwards, highlighting the Prime's signature right next to Megatron's.

"Alright," Magnus mumbled under his breath. He swung his hammer at his side, "Give the command Optimus and I'll bury this hammer straight between Megatron's legs."

"Attempt: unwise" Soundwave said, "Terms of treaty must have Lord Megatron intact."

"To Pit with your treaty!" Ironhide spat out. He aimed his canons at the cons, "We're leaving. All of us!"

"Stand down Ironhide." Optimus said. To everyone's surprise he actually stepped forward towards the Decepticon lord.

"But Sir—"

"Megatron," Optimus spoke up, finding the strength in his voice again, "Is there any way fulfillment of the terms can be delayed?"

"Dear Optimus, if you're asking for more time to find a loophole don't bother," The dark Con smirked, scanning the Prime's delectable body from pedal to helm, his gaze lingering at those wide hips and slim, slender waist, "The terms are as tight as your virgin valve. Which now belongs solely to me by the way, as written under the fourth subsection of the first article."

The Prime's optics darkened. Prowl clamped his servos over Bee's audios to protect the youngest bot, although the poor yellow mechling had heard enough of the terms to cry. Magnus and Ironhide both drew their weapons, flanking the sides of their leader. Ratchet meanwhile, was spewing out every vulgar phrase known to both Cybertronians and humans.

"That fragging subsection couldn't be read without a slagging micro-scanner. Why should our Prime be responsible for things he didn't sign for?"

"He signed that he read all the terms," Megatron said, laughing like he was explaining the most obvious thing in the universe, "Including the clauses that mention a public bonding ceremony where dear Optimus displays complete submission to me in front of the Autobot and Decepticon hosts. Article one, subsection two."

"How about we just start right where we left off?" Ironhide proposed, his canon whirling and clicking into place, "With my canons right against your helm?"

"Now Optimus, I thought you had better honor than this," Megatron said, completely waving off the furious threats of the weapons specialist, "By all technicalities you and I are now betrothed."

"Since fragging when?" Ratchet demanded, "How in Primus' name did that happen?"

"Since he put a stylus on that contract and signed his name at the bottom," Shockwave answered, "As Soundwave mentioned it would be unwise to harm Lord Megatron. It would be a direct violation of the treaty. Should that happen, we are prepared to launch a crippling blow to your human allies on a scale unprecedented in their history. The logical course of action would be to submit to Decepticon rule."

"Like slag that's gonna happen. C'mon Prime let meh blast that arrogant smile right off Meg's face plates!"

The Prime was silent for a moment, as if truly considering the option of granting his troops their request for retaliation. To be honest he wanted nothing more than to smack Megatron right at the center of his smug face. But the treaty was hanging by a very thin, almost impossibly delicate thread. And he could not afford to lose what may very well be their last chance for a truce before their race drove itself to extinction.

"I have signed a legally binding contract," Optimus said, looking back at his mechs, all of their faces stunned by his admission, "I cannot retract my word, as ill-gotten as it may have been. I have terms to honor and duties to fulfill. It is the way of a Prime to—"

"Most excellent," Megatron cut into the middle of the speech. Not that it dampened the mood any. The bots were all half-way in denial as soon as Optimus mentioned he wouldn't go back on his word.

Optimus didn't give Megatron the satisfaction of seeing him beg. Instead he stood upright, ever noble as a Prime, and bowed courteously to the mech he tried to kill but a day ago.

"The preparations have already begun," Megatron announced, "I even have a few samples of the bridal ensemble you shall be wearing on the bonding ceremony Prime."

The color drained from Optimus' face plates as Thundercracker and Skywarp rushed in and opened several boxes up before him, each of them spilled out white silks, satins, and velvet.

"What?"

"This is an outrage! Don't let him insult you like this Optimus. Fragging Primus, you're the Prime for goodness sake!"

"Have you no respect at all Megatron, for the title of Prime? Not even a fragging bit?"

"I do," Megatron said, enjoying the horrified look plastered on Optimus' face as Thundercracker pulled up one of the dresses and waved it around, "I also wish to respect the culture of this pathetic species that Optimus loves so much. They have a custom, do they not? Where the submissive partner wears white upon their bonding ceremony to display purity? And have no fear, I made sure that the bridal entourage is complete, from the official presiding the ceremony to the drone cleaning up afterwards."

"You are insane," Optimus said. Skywarp dangled another dress in front of him. The Prime's face mask snapped up to quickly hide the blush spreading across his cheeks. The dress was deeply cut at the front, with long, revealing slits on the side of the skirt.

"As were you Prime, when you signed that treaty," Megatron replied, "But it matters very little. I suggest you read over the copy of the terms I shall send you. Including the requirement that you bear a sparkling as my heir."

Optimus swore that everyone could hear his tanks churn violently at suggestion. No, not a mere suggestion.

A requirement.

Oh Primus above, what did he just do?

TBC

A/N: Read and review please! Writing crack is hella fun XD.