Qi: DEATH Halloween Special
I, Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi, shall be the presenter.
The Big Four will be the contestants.
Direct Transcript
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
[eerily] Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI. Coming to you tonight from . . . the other side. The hilly bourne from whence no traveller returns. The darkling plain, the place we go . . . when we are-[dramatic sound effects and close-up] . . . Dead!
[suddenly cheerful] But, before we descend into darkness, it's time to meet the panel: the bucket-kicking Rapunzel Fitzherbert . . . the clog-popping Merida Dundroch . . . the mortal-coil off-shuffling Jack Frost . . . and our very own Hiccup pushing-up-the-dasies Haddock.
And tonight the buzzers are suitably dolorous. Rapunzel goes:
Rapunzel
[presses buzzer, which plays the "Twilight Zone" theme]
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Merida goes:
Merida
[presses buzzer, which plays the sound of a door creaking open, a man laughing evilly, and the door slamming]
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Jack goes:
Jack
[presses buzzer, which plays the repeated sound of the shower-stabbing scene from "Psycho"]
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
And Hiccup goes:
Hiccup
[presses buzzer, which plays a cheery "Always look on the bright side of life!" from Monty Python's "Life of Brian"]
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
So, let's start with something terrifying. This is a marmot, a pot-bellied member of the squirrel family.
Viewscreens
: Picture of four marmots, on their hind legs and eating what appears to be large crackers.
Hiccup
[makes an exaggerated noise of terror]
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
It's about the size of a cat and squeaks loudly when anxious or alarmed.
Hiccup
Ritz! They're eating Ritz biscuits.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Yeah, they seem to be, don't they.
Hiccup
Or they're Mini Cheddars.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Given the right conditions, it's a dangerous, a deadly merciless killer of humans. How?
Rapunzel
[presses buzzer, which plays the "Twilight Zone" theme]
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Rapunzel.
Rapunzel
Er, lead piping in the billiard room.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Colonel Marmot!
Rapunzel
Are these the ones that live in the Gobi Desert?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
The Mongolian and Russian Steppes.
Rapunzel
Yes. I've seen loads of these then, and I did a . . . a railway journey for the BBC, oddly enough. And they scurry around. None of them killed any humans in front of me while they were doing that, but . . .
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
No, and yet they're more responsible for death than any other animal except the-
Hiccup
Do they get caught up in machinery somehow?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
No. The maxim or the marmot.
Jack
[presses buzzer, which plays the "Psycho" stabbing sound]
Jack
Is it to do with the Ritz crackers? They sort of spit on the Ritz crackers, put them all back into the packet . . .
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Do you know, oddly, Jack, the spitting part is good. When they spit and cough, billions die. Well, millions.
Rapunzel
Are they carriers of TB, like badgers are allegedly . . . ?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Worse.
Hiccup
The plague.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
"Plague" is the right answer.
Hiccup
They've got the plague!
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
They are the actual original animal source of-
Rapunzel
Not the rats?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
No, they cough and spit onto the fleas, which catch the disease, which then goes to the rats, which then came to Europe and wiped out half the population of Europe in the fourteenth century.
Jack
The problem with them coughing is obviously the fact that they've got those dry crackers. Just give them a drink of water next to it. Have the biscuit, a little water, no coughing.
Hiccup
No coughing.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Yeah, you're right. Do you know why it's called "bubonic"? Do you know what that-
Viewscreens
: Two pictures of a wooden door onto which a red cross has been painted.
Rapunzel
Those big round things come up under your-[gestures to her underarms]-buboes are-
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
The buboes, but the bubo itself actually comes from the Greek "boubon", which is "groin".
Rapunzel
Groin.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
One of the areas where you get a big swelling when you get the bubonic plague.
Rapunzel
How often . . . ?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
. . . do I get a swelling?
Rapunzel
Yes, sorry. No.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
No. [muttering] Not as often as I used to, I'm sorry to say.
Jack
[at viewscreens] Given that's all they've got to do is just paint that red cross on, they've not done a great job, have they?
Rapunzel
What's wrong with that?
Jack
Well it's well to the left, isn't it there? They're . . . You know, you'd have thought if all you've got to do all day is go 'round doing a red cross, you'd have more pride in your work than that.
Rapunzel
You're not . . . You're not hanging around doing it though, are you? "There's plague in here. Let's . . . Oh I'll just do a . . . " [mimes delicately painting a cross on the door]
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Yeah, right!
Hiccup
A really long stick they do it with. [closes one eye for precision and mimes painting a cross with a long pole]
Rapunzel
You're just waiting for a marmot to come flying out and bite you or spit at you.
Jack
Knock on the door and say-
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Anyway. Yes, almost a million Britons fell victim to the Black Death. But, what illness do British doctors now treat more than any other?
Rapunzel
[presses buzzer, which plays the "Twilight Zone" theme]
Rapunzel
The widest disease in these sort of quizzes is normally dental caries, but I suppose dentists treat that rather than doctors.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Rather than doctors, yes.
Rapunzel
Yes.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
This is doctors, specifically.
Merida
Is it cancer?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Oh, dear, no, it's not cancer.
Forfeit
: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "CANCER".
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
No-nee-no-nee-no.
Hiccup
Flu.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Nor is it flu.
Forfeit
: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "FLU".
Jack
Is it a little niggle that you're not quite sure what it is . . . but you think it'll be enough to keep you off work for the rest of the week?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Three million, one hundred thousand people in Britain every year.
Hiccup
Pregnancy?
Rapunzel
Pregnancy isn't a disease, Hiccup, surely.
Jack
It would be if Hiccup got it.
Rapunzel
No, it would be a surprise; it wouldn't be . . .
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
I'll give you a clue, then: It begins with "D".
Hiccup
Death.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
No. Doctors don't treat death, unfortunately. No.
Rapunzel
Deafness.
Merida
Dermatitis.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Not deafness, not dermatitis.
Merida
Give us a second letter.
Rapunzel
It's got to be a vowel, isn't it?
Hiccup
Do a "sounds like".
Rapunzel
Yes.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
It sounds like-[clasps palms together]-"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned . . . "
Hiccup
Dinned!
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
No, no, no. When do-
Hiccup
Confession.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Confession. It sounds like confession, begins with a "D" . . . .
Hiccup
Dession.
Merida
Depression!
Hiccup
[quickly] Depression!
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Thank you very much indeed! Well done. Between seven and ten percent of women suffer from depression and about three to five percent of men. And this is what they call unipolar depression, i.e., not manic depression.
If you're gonna to be depressed, you're luckier if you get manic depression than if you just get plain depression, 'cause you get the upside of mania.
Hiccup
"I can conquer the world!"
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
That kind of feeling, exactly.
Jack
But now you can't say manic depression, can you? You've got to say bipolar disorder now, haven't you? Isn't that right?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Actually, the best people on the subject, Kay Redfield Jamison, in America, for example, has written-
Hiccup
That's a brilliant book. An Unquiet Mind.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Yeah, Unquiet Mind is a fantastic . . . She calls it "manic depression", or "madness"! She's seriously manic depressive and takes a lot of Lithium. She's also a professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins University.
Merida
Do depressed people mind what you call them?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Erm, generally speaking not, to be honest. I mean one of the great advantages of, certainly, manic depression is a sense of humour. Kind of keeps you going, because of the loony things you do when you're manic.
There was one person who took apart a car, bit by bit, on a huge area. He laid out a sheet, took apart the engine, sort of did outlines around each part and numbered them, named them . . . everything was fantastic. Then, of course, he got the mood swing and was depressed and he kicked it all over. "Fuck it!" The whole thing to pieces, he was-[makes sound of angry indifference]. And so no car, basically. Bits everywhere.
Rapunzel
But that's bipolar depression. What about just generally feeling a bit miserable and sad about life, does that count as depression?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
It's arguably . . . Of course, a very, very difficult condition to diagnose, and people who are cynical about it and think, "Oh, just walk it off," you know, there is, of course, some truth in that, inasmuch as exercise is shown to be incredibly helpful for depression.
Jack
Is that the theory with the . . . You know, you go into a chemist, and you can only buy a certain amount of Paracetamol, 'cause they're worried that you're going to take too much of it. You could always walk down the street, obviously and then go to the next chemist and buy another lot, couldn't you? But are they hoping that that little walk will make you think, "Oh, actually, life's not that bad"?
Merida
You pass an off licence and a strip club . . .
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Something to cheer you up, you see.
Merida
You see someone fall in the canal . . .
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Swimming with dolphins. That's apparently a very good treatment for depression.
Merida
Not if they reject you. Not if they go-[makes disparaging dolphin noises]-and off they go. That takes you to another level.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
The problem is often the other way round; is severe bruising because the dolphins get too interested in you and because their penises are a foot long and S-shaped, you can be in serious trouble.
Merida
And that's just the ladies!
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Yeah. But, while on the subject of depression, what is the saddest song you know?
Hiccup
Otis Redding. "Sad Song."
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
That's . . . that's gotta be sad.
Merida
I saw something . . . That song, Labour used it, with D-Ream: "Things Can Only Get Better"? Because if you're in a situation where things can only get better, you are seriously screwed up, aren't you?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Well, there is a song which has caused suicide.
Rapunzel
Oh, I know this. Billie Holiday, isn't it? Erm . . .
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Say it! You know it.
Rapunzel
I know, but I-
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
She sang it.
Rapunzel
I know, but it's-
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
She didn't write it, but . . . It sounds like a New Order.
Rapunzel
Say that again?
Man in Audience
"Strange Fruit".
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Not "Strange Fruit", but that is a great song, "Strange Fruit".
Woman in Audience
"Gloomy Sunday."
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
She said it: "Gloomy Sunday."
Rapunzel
"Gloomy Sunday."
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Well done. Award yourself two points. Yeah.
Hiccup [Raises hand]
Erm, "Gloomy Sunday".
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
If you promise not to hurl yourself off the edge of the set, then I will allow you to hear a little of "Gloomy Sunday" sung by Miss Billie Holiday.
[Billi Holiday's "Gloomy Sunday" starts playing, with the opening lyrics,
"Sunday is gloomy . . . "]
Hiccup
Oh, Jesus!
[The song continues, "My hours are slumberless . . . "]
Hiccup
[presses buzzer, which whistles from "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life"]
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
You've always got the antedote!
Hiccup
[pointing at his buzzer] Now you know what to do if you're feeling down.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
I have to say, I've just been looking at the scoreboard, and at the moment the audience is winning.
Rapunzel
Yes.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Well done.
Jack
Monday's supposed to be the most depressing day of the week. Imagine you'd had a Sunday like that and you had Monday to look forward to.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
No, well, this is a song written by one Rezső Seress in 1933, a Hungarian, inspired by the end of a relationship. It became an instant hit, and so flushed with success he went to his girlfriend and suggested they get back together. A day later she poisoned herself-
Hiccup
[laughs openly]
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
-leaving a two word suicide note: "Gloomy Sunday".
Merida
Oh, really?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Yeah. A hundred suicides, apparently, have been linked to the song. The New York Times had this great big headline: "Hundreds of Hungarians kill themselves under the influence of a song." Soon Americans were joining them and the ghoulish reputation of the "Hungarian suicide song" touched almost every country where it was played.
Victims included teenagers and octogenarians. One man heard a beggar humming the song, immediately gave him all his possessions, jumped to his death off a bridge. Erm . . .
Rapunzel
That's great busking, isn't it?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Yes. The composer himself ended it all by throwing himself from his apartment window in 1968 at the age of seventy.
Merida
Well, that was a horrible mess, wasn't it, that. A seventy year-old hitting the pavement. Ohh.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
[laughingly incredulous] Why is that worse than anyone else hitting the pavement?
Merida
Well, you know, a young person has got a bit of fat in . . . on them, something to cushion the splat. But this would just be, just be . . . be bones and skin; just-"crunch"-
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
[laughs with his face buried in his hands]
Merida
-like a bag of crisps hitting the pavement. "Crunch!" You don't do that at seventy; that's not right.
Jack
There was one bloke, wasn't there . . . He was on the first floor, split up with his missus; She left him, went downstairs, walked out. He jumped out of the window to commit suicide, he lands on her, she dies, he lives, but he thinks, "great", and he went on, didn't he. That was, there was a famous case that I . . . I know all . . . [nods].
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
I think the word is "Result!"
Rapunzel
A lot of people kill themselves by throwing themselves off Beachy Head.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
That is very popular indeed.
Rapunzel
And there are dozens of other cliffs, but people, they're like lemmings, almost literally like lemmings. They want to just go somewhere famous to do it, so they . . . so it's either the Northern Line or Beachy Head.
Merida
I went to Beachy Head very early in the morning, right? Not . . .
Rapunzel
Just as the sun was rising?
Merida
Not to commit suicide, no, but I'd gone to a fishmongers which wasn't open in Eastbourne. [to audience] Funnily enough, you'd think the fishmonger would open early, doesn't open until ten! What's going on? Anyway-[gesturing with wide arms]-listen round! And, er . . .
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Yes, thank you!
Merida
All right, Alfred? Nice to see you're in.
And so I thought I'd go up to Beachy Head, just to see what it's like.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Yes.
Merida
And there was these two guys, sort of sentinels. One of them had a guitar and the other one had a flute, and I was . . . I was wandering along, and they sort of went, [waves] "Hi, hi!" like this, and I went, [waves briefly] "All right?" like that. Because I . . . I'm not cheerful.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Grumpy sod, yeah.
Merida
And eventually they sort of go . . . They were going, "Hi," and they sort of beckoned me over, and they said, "Everything all right?" I said, "Yeah, fine." And they . . . they said, er, "You're not thinking of, er . . . ?" [gestures over his shoulder and whistles ominously] Not . . . not exactly that, but they were there to . . . to prevent people . . .
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Oh! Bless them.
Jack
They didn't stop-
Merida
Yeah, but get this. Listen to this. I said, "Well, how . . . how often are you here?" They said, "A week . . . Once a week." I said, "Oh, right."
Even better . . . Even better, I said, "How long are you here for?" He said-[shrugs]-"About an hour."
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
This man Seress, anyway. The BBC banned the song until the year 2002. It's only just been allowed to be played. That is how seriously people take this suicide song.
Anyway, that's probably enough gloom. Let's play a game. Time for Killer Mushroom Roulette!
If you wondered what the, er, skull and crossbones cards on your table were for, I'm going to show you on screen four types of mushroom, numbered one to four. All you've got to do is write down the number of the one you may safely eat.
Is it one, Death Cap? Two, Peppery Milk Cap? Three, Destroying Angel? Or four, Trumpet of Death?
One of them is safe to eat, highly nutritious, and very pleasant. The others-will kill you!
Merida
Can we try them all first?
Hiccup
You get one each.
Merida
Yeah.
Rapunzel
Somebody told me there are very, very few killer mushrooms-
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
There are very few.
Rapunzel
-and we're so ludicrously scared of these.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
We are. There are three thousand, five hundred species of mushrooms in the UK; about a hundred are poisonous and only fifteen of those are lethal.
Hiccup
One of them I'm sure I've seen in Carluccio's.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
That's very possible.
Hiccup
So I've gone for that one.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
All right, so what have you written there?
Jack
I've written number one.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
So you think Death Cap, number one, you can eat?
Jack
The reason being-am I allowed to give a reason?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Yes, please do.
Jack
Is it . . . It looks a bit, I think, like a penis.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
And you can safely eat a penis, can't you? You can.
Jack
Well, that wasn't going to be my logic, but yes.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Rapunzel, you've gone for?
Rapunzel
Well, I'm afraid . . . I've gone for the same answer I'm afraid-
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Number one.
Rapunzel
-but I thought that Trumpet of Death looked like a penis, but, er, there it is.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
That's a worry, Rapunzel.
Rapunzel
Well, what can I say?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
What have you got there, Merida?
Merida
Number one.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Number one as well.
Hiccup
I've gone for number four.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Well, the ten points go to Hiccup Haddock!
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Very good. You all used the same kind of logic, knowing that the one that would sound deadly is probably good, but unfortunately, you all went for the Death Cap and in fact it's the Trumpet of Death that is the one. It's also called a Black Morae or a Horn of Plenty and is delicious and nutty.
Merida
But that wouldn't be on a menu. Trumpet of Death omelette.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
You're quite right, though; it's very, very rare. The last recorded death by mushroom in Britain is too long ago for anyone, basically, to be confident about.
They are pretty nasty: they'll destroy your liver and kidney, particularly the Death Cap and the Destroying Angel.
Hiccup
Do you have to eat a lot of them?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Quite a few actually, yeah. But the thing is, there's no known antidote. The Peppery Milk Cap is more likely to be gastric. You'll have a really bad time, but it can kill you if you have a lot of those. Despite its black colour, the Trumpet of Death is very tasty and goes particularly well with fish. Italians call it the poor man's truffle.
Er, what did the Nazis use Trumpets of Jericho for?
Merida
Was it lift music?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
No, it wasn't.
Rapunzel
Did they come up with some foul weapon that was to bring down the walls of, er, cities and towns and things?
Forfeit
: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "DESTROYING CITY WALLS".
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Oh, dear. I'm afraid-
Rapunzel
Yes, I . . . I kind of thought that was going to happen, but, er . . .
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Joshua in the Bible, of course, brought down, supposedly, the walls of the city of Jericho using Trumpet, though, apparently, archeologists say Jericho had no walls, but never mind. . . . Erm, so it was a pretty easy . . . easy job.
Rapunzel
Not after him anyway.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Erm. Who knows? No, er, this is the Ju87. Does that help?
Hiccup
Junkers.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Junkers, absolutely, known as a particular kind.
Hiccup
Aircraft. 88.
Merida
Stukas.
Hiccup
Stuka, ah, yes.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
The Stuka, ja.
Rapunzel
That's a bird!
Hiccup
It's the siren, the whistling siren when they dive in.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
The whistling sound.
Merida
[raises her hands to an imaginary gun and makes shooting noises]
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
That's right, they had a . . .
Merida
Just took me all back, I was a kid doing war . . . [makes shooting noises again]. No, but then the Stukas start coming . . . [makes sound of Stuka siren]
Hiccup
[chimes in with his own siren]
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Yeah, do you want to hear them?
Merida
[starts making shooting noises again]
[SFX: Sound of an actual Stuka aircraft siren.]
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
It's that noise. That noise was a propeller driving a . . . a siren, just deliberately put on to scare the bejesus . . .
Hiccup
Screaming, screaming siren.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
That's right. They called it the Trumpet of Jericho, yeah. And it destroyed more shipping and tanks than any other aircraft in the whole of World War II, including Kamikaze pilots. It was extremely successful, except when it was up against fighters and it sent them over in the Battle of Britain to try and bomb air strips, but the old Hurricanes and Spits were far too nimble and they got thirty down in one day, I believe. Well, the Americans did the same by using Wagner in their helicopters.
Hiccup
They still do.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Do they still?
Hiccup
They still play loud, extremely loud rock music to terrify the opposition.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
I've noticed that, in their bedrooms!
Hiccup
They played it to themselves in the tanks, during the Iraq War.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
I mean you just want to go and say, "I tell you what, lovely army, very nice vehicles and things . . . Do you have any grown-ups anywhere?"
Hiccup
[as though to a child] "Who's in charge of you?"
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
"Don't shout, and don't think it's clever to wear sunglasses if you're a General. Eurgh." [shakes head annoyedly] Pathetic!
Rapunzel
Of all the objections to warfare, it's the use of sunglasses!
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
They're trying to be like at Patton. They think it's sexy and cool.
Merida
Well, it's from films, isn't it?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
If you think you're sexy and cool, you're . . . you're just going to be a ghastly tactician.
Hiccup
What about that General who said to the troops, "You've got it all wrong . . . " It's like he was trying to get in with the kids and he said, "When the order is given to attack, it's hammer time."
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Yeah.
Hiccup
And they all looked at him. So he said it again, more serious. "It's hammer time!"
Merida
What, he thought they'd put on, like, big balloony trousers and go-[starts dancing like MC Hammer].
Hiccup
[joins in and starts humming "U Can't Touch This"]
Merida
[still dancing in sync with Hiccup] "Can't touch this!"
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Right next to the ruins of Jericho, as it happens, there is more death and diving. What lives in the Dead Sea?
Hiccup
Not much.
Merida
Isn't there a fish that lives in it?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
No fish, no.
Hiccup
It's really stingy. If you get it in your eyes, it really stings.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Oh, it would sting.
Rapunzel
There must be a nematode worm, because nematode worms live everywhere.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
They seem to, don't they? No, it's not actually. You've avoided saying "nothing", which would have got a big raspberry.
Merida
Is it a rabbit? It's rabbits always going like that. [rubbing her eyes] "Ahh. Ahh."
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
"Ahh." It just escaped.
Er, no, in fact, there are small little things called "extremophiles", which are almost like bacteria, but a much much older life form than bacteria.
Viewscreens
: Close-up picture of the microscopic extremophile, which is puffy and has been tinted pink.
Merida
They look quite tasty.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
They look like piles. So, erm . . .
Merida
They do.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
So what else do we know about the Dead Sea?
Hiccup
It's below sea level.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
The lowest place on Earth.
Viewscreens
: Picture of a man swimming on his back in the Dead Sea.
Hiccup
The lowest place in England is in Norfolk.
Rapunzel
But that's not the Dead Sea, it's just dead boring.
[Personally, I think she's right]
Hiccup
The Fens.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
The Fens aren't really in Norfolk.
Hiccup
Cambridgeshire.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Cambridgeshire more.
Jack
Talking about lowest exposed areas, I've just had a look at that picture.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Yeah.
Jack
What's he doing with his hands there?
Merida
He's strangling a rabbit.
Rapunzel
That's an old . . . That's an old euphemism.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
More rabbits.
Rapunzel
I'm just going over there to strangle a rabbit.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Strangle a rabbit. Ahh.
Rapunzel
So can you actually do that in the Dead Sea, you can lie around without having to-
Merida
Toss yourself off, yeah, it's fine, yeah. They've got so many problems with the Palestinians. They go, "Ah, have a wank. We don't mind."
Rapunzel
The sea is supposed to be salty, not the jokes!
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Oh, very good.
Hiccup
They send people there on the National Health, if they've got psoriasis.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
They do, they do. Quite a lot of conditions it's supposed to help. The other thing is . . . it's . . . Despite the myth, people do drown in the Dead Sea. If you face the wrong way, people can't turn themselves 'round. There's too much resistance from the water, apparently.
Merida
It's called natural selection, isn't it?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Yeah, I think you may be right.
Do you know that there are about two hundred and fifty drownings of people in Britain each year, of which roughly a third are intentional. Bearing that in mind, can you tell me what's interesting about this sad little rodent?
Viewscreens
: Picture of a Norway lemming.
Merida
It doesn't matter whether he's upside down or right way up. He looks exactly the same.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
You certainly-
Merida
No one cares.
Rapunzel
Is this a-
Merida
If he falls on his back, nobody turns him round.
Rapunzel
So is this a lemming?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
It's a lemming.
Merida
And he looks like the devil's arsehole, his mouth.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
You certainly wouldn't want a blow-job off him, would you? It'd be a scrapey experience.
It is a lemming, it's a Norway lemming.
Hiccup
They don't actually jump off cliffs.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
They don't jump off cliffs.
Rapunzel
It was invented by Disney or somebody?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Oh, dear me.
Forfeit
: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "MYTH INVENTED BY DISNEY".
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
It was not invented by Disney, no. There were two myths about it, one that they commit mass suicide, the other that it was Disney who invented the myth.
Rapunzel
Ah, right.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
In fact, they didn't. As early as 1908 in an . . . Arthur Mee's Children's Encyclopedia, he talks about them throwing themselves off cliffs into the water.
Merida
They have done it. It was when their migratory path hit a cliff.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
They don't really migrate, but they're fantastic breeders. A mother can produce eighty in a year, and when the population swells, they have to move off to find places where they can eat.
Rapunzel
So what are we saying, they do throw themselves off cliffs, or they don't throw themselves off?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
They don't. They don't at all.
Rapunzel
They don't.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
The Disney film though, you're quite right, was completely faked. I mean they made this film called "White Wilderness"; they had to bus in lemmings from thousands of . . .
Rapunzel
And they . . . they tossed them off the cliff did they?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
They did, well they sort of dropped them in front of camera in a close-up, in a rather pathetic attempt to do it. They're not any more suicidal than any other animal.
Jack
He's actually trying to do his impression of Einstein in that picture.
[sticks his tongue out in an impression of the famous photo of Einstein]
Rapunzel
But his tongue is stuck on both of his teeth.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Yes, it's a rather sweet little tongue, don't you think? It's a little pretty pink tongue, rather nice. [smiles and shrugs into the following silence]
Rapunzel
Watch out for the teeth.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Yes.
Anyway, er, this delivers us, damp, but not down-hearted, into the valley of General Ignorance. So, fingers on trumpets please. What was the curse of Tutankhamun?
Merida
[presses buzzer, which creaks and cackles evilly]
You have to queue up for ages.
Rapunzel
The one that's going to lose me another ten points-
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Yes?
Rapunzel
-is that anybody interfering with his tomb would be forever cursed.
Forfeit
: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the phrase "DEATH TO ALL WHO ENTER HERE".
Rapunzel
So the mere fact, yeah, you see. "Death to all who enter here," yes.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
The fact is, there is no curse. There never was. There's no inscription that even comes close to being a curse of Tutankhamun, or of any Egyptian tomb ever.
Viewscreens
: Two pictures of the mask of Tutankhamun's mummy.
Hiccup
He looks like Tiger Woods eating a cornetto.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
You're absolutely right!
Erm, Lord Carnarvon, who, er-
Rapunzel
Ah, that's the one.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
-was one of the people with Howard Carter, who first uncovered or excavated the tomb, died very, very soon afterwards from a shaving accident, probably an infected mosquito bite that he cut. And people though, "Ooh, it's cursed!" There was one of the party that had excavated it who died in about 1978, aged ninety-three and the headline was, "Curse of Tutankhamun strikes again!"
Jane Loudon Webb wrote a novel called The Mummy in 1828, about a mummy coming to life and chasing those who had, er, desecrated its tomb. But the fact is that thorough research has shown that only six died within the first decade of the opening and Howard Carter, surely the number one target as the chief of it, er, lived for another seventeen years.
Rapunzel
None of these superstitions should be worried about . . . touch wood.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Hey! Ha ha.
Now, the Great Fire of London destroyed thirteen thousand, two hundred houses, eighty seven churches, forty four livery halls, and over four fifths of the City of London, with a capital "C." How many people died in that five-day conflagration?
Rapunzel
[presses buzzer, which plays the "Twilight Zone" theme]
Rapunzel
I think it's four people, some very low figure of-
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
I'm going to give you the points, 'cause it's five people.
Rapunzel
Five people, oh well.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Yes, very good. Very good. Only five are recorded. The maid of the baker who started the fire; Paul Lowell, a Shoe Lane watchmaker; an old man who rescued a blanket from St Paul's, but succumbed to the smoke; and two others who fell into their cellars in an ill-fated attempt to recover their goods and chattels. The Mayor, actually, Thomas Bludworth, went back to bed on the first night saying, "a woman might piss it out." The previous Great Fire, in 1212, killed three thousand people.
When does the nursery rhyme Ring A Ring O' Roses date from?
Rapunzel
Ring A Ring O' Roses . . .
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Whence?
Merida
[presses buzzer, which creaks and cackles evilly]
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Oh, Merida?
Merida
1102.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
A wild stab in the dark-
Merida
Yeah.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
-and not correct, I'm sorry to say.
Hiccup
The plague. The bubonic plague.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Oh dear me, no, I'm afraid not.
Forfeit
: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the words "THE PLAGUE".
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Well, it's nothing to do with the plague or the Black Death at all, er . . . It's a complete misconception. Apart from anything else, this ring . . . A posy is supposed to be a ring of lesions; it doesn't happen. People don't sneeze-[laughs]-when they have the plague.
Rapunzel
Obviously! They do, it's the . . . it's the marmots that sneeze on you, you told us that!
Hiccup
Is that not the reason why people say "bless you" when you sneeze?
Rapunzel
No, that's . . . that's 'cause of the devil getting into you when you sneeze.
Hiccup
I thought it was because you had the plague.
Rapunzel
No, no, it's the devil.
Hiccup
People get quite testy sometimes, if they sneeze and you don't say bless you.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
If you don't say bless you, yes.
Hiccup
"You didn't say bless you." "Oh, !# * off."
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
That was one hell of a garden party at Buckingham Palace, wasn't it? It really was. You made quite a name for yourself.
It's a very late eighteenth century American song; first recorded in 1881, but apparently written earlier; has nothing to do with the plague whatsoever.
So, what did the man who invented lateral thinking suggest as a solution to solve the Middle East conflict?
Viewscreens
: Picture of Edward de Bono between a picture of a Palestinean man and one of an Israeli man.
Rapunzel
Is that Edward de Bono in the middle, is he . . . is he lateral thinking?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Edward de Bono is the man. He invented lateral thinking.
Merida
Have a game of football; sort it out that way.
Rapunzel
They could play in the old Gaza Strip, couldn't they?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Yeah, I'll give you fifty points if you get this, 'cause it's so peculiar.
Rapunzel
Thinking laterally.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Well laterally. I mean so lateral, it's off the scale.
Hiccup
They play Monopoly.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
It's weirder than that.
Jack
They all go to the Dead Sea, right, they flip over the wrong way, and whoever can turn over quickest wins.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
But this man, this premier thinker of our time, Edward de Bono, suggested sending Marmite to the Middle East.
He reasoned thus, and I use the word "reasoned" quite loosely, erm . . . He reasoned that on both sides of the conflict there was a lot of unleavened bread being eaten, and unleavened bread has a shortage of zinc. And a lack of zinc causes aggression. So he planned, as the easiest way as he saw it, to restore the zinc levels to both sides . . . was to send them lots of Marmite, which is rich in the stuff.
Rapunzel
But the whole point about Marmite . . . They advertise it on the basis that some people love it and some people hate it. So he'd have solved the problem, then they'd have wars between the . . . the pro-Marmiters and the anti-Marmiters! They'd be back to warfare again!
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
He didn't think it through, did he?
Rapunzel
Where do you stand on Bovril, do you like it?
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
I never stand on Bovril. It's a stupid thing to do. But I don't like the taste of it, I have to say.
Merida
And did he put that forward as a serious suggestion, or was it one of those days where he just . . . when he was taking the day off?
Hiccup
Five to five on a Friday. "All right, here's one."
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
This was a . . . a Foreign Office committee he was talking to, it wasn't just something he said in the pub. He was on a think-tank and he was reporting to the Foreign Office and they were listening to him. "Marmite."
Hiccup
They should have done it in Ulster.
Rapunzel
Yes.
Hiccup
Should have made that the homeland for the Jews. Just for fun!
Rapunzel
Like a sort of problem theme park, all in one place.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Well, I think we've come to the end. That leaves the divertissement of the score. We're going to start with tonight's "I'm afraid didn't do quite as well as anybody else-er", and it's Rapunzel Fitzherbert with minus-twenty-four points.
Rapunzel
Oh, least! I got many more than that.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
And in a very creditable third place, Hiccup Haddock with minus-fifteen. Then comes Merida with minus-eight.
Merida
Thank you.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
With a staggering zero, it's Jack Frost.
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
But that means tonight's shock winner, with two points, is the audience!
[Shots of the audience, who cheer and applaud themselves.]
Vsyo-vo Mrake nochi
Bravo. Never happened before.
Well, on that bombshell, the time has come to leave the shadow of the valley of death behind us. Thank you to Rapunzel, Jack, Merida, and Hiccup, and I leave you with this thought, courtesy of the great Johnny Carson. "For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off." Do be careful out there. Good night.