title: throw down the gauntlet

summary: all karkat wants is a nice, normal, troll relationship that includes undying hatred. john is having none of it. somewhat au drabble.

pairings: obviously johnkat, blink-and-you'll-miss-it karezi.

rating: t for language. it's karkat, what did you expect.

word count: 671

a/n: i blame spiriah on tumblr for this. all of this. also the fic is 100% diabetes-inducing fluff, sorry not sorry.

Humans are so aggravating.

"Give me one good reason why you won't be my kismesis," Karkat demands, tapping his foot in what he hopes is an intimidating manner. It makes him resemble an impatient three-year-old more than anything else. "'I'm not a homosexual' does not count."

John stretches out on the sofa- Karkat's mind is boggled by how he can manage to relax in the middle of this creepy clown-infested living room. "It's a perfectly valid reason," he says, propping himself up with an elbow. "But okay, I'll bite. What about your deal with Terezi?"

"She's my matesprit. Entirely separate quadrants, shit-for-brains."

"Yeah, you're doing a great job convincing me." The younger boy rolls his eyes heavenwards. "I'm just soaking in the love right here. Go on."

"Kismesisitude is blackrom- hate based." Why must he be so obtuse? "I'm getting in the spirit of things."

"But I don't hate you, Karkat," John says, in a soft voice that's galaxies away from his usual overeager yip. Fuck. He looks horribly confused, like he can't even grasp the concept of hatred, much less apply it to the troll standing in front of him.

"Oh, well, uh, I don't really hate you either," Karkat mutters to the floor, his face turning hot. Honestly, it's impossible to hate Egbert- that's like hating a puppy, or whatever they call those optimistic, insipid Earth creatures. Hate himself, sure, he beats Sollux in that competition hands down. But not John. Not anymore.

"So…" John breaks the silence, toes the carpet with his bare foot. "Why do you even want us to be kismesises, then?"

"I GUESS I DIDN'T THINK THIS THROUGH VERY WELL," Karkat shouts, reverting back to the comforting shell of anger. Anything to distract him from the awkwardness of admitting he made the wrong judgment or showing actual feelings for a second. "I FAILED TO ACCOUNT FOR THE MAJOR FUCKING SHIFT IN OUR RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS. HAPPY?"

"Wow," John flatly says once he's done, and proceeds to give him a round of sarcastic applause. "I didn't know you could CAPSLOCK while talking. That takes skill."

"Sorry," Karkat croaks, surprising even himself. "Maybe… we could be moirails. You know, balance each other's shit out instead of plotting ways to strangle each other."

"You want to be platonic soul bond bros?" John asks. Karkat scowls at the massive oversimplification, but nods all the same. "Wait a minute. I'm going to be on Karkat-sitting duty for the rest of my life?"

"ONE OF YOUR IRRITATINGLY CLUELESS RACE SHOULD CONSIDER IT AN HONOR TO BE CHOSEN-" Karkat begins, and he's building up an awesome rant, anger management be damned, but then John is kissing him.

Well. This is nice, he'll admit- they're both clumsy, trying not to bump noses, and it takes him a while to realize that he's supposed to close his eyes. John's hands thread in his hair, stroking nubby horn tips, and Karkat makes a sound in the back of his throat that resembles a purr. All right, all right, Egbert wins this round. He provides a very pleasant distraction.

"You talk too much," John says as they break apart. Bastard. He's smirking.

"Platonic soul bond bros don't do that. At least, I think that the platonic part is there for a reason."

"It shuts you up, and that takes drastic measures," John points out, and Karkat would argue with his blatant warping of a sacred troll tradition if he wasn't still dazed. "Besides… I kind of liked it. Kissing you, I mean. Even though I'm totally not a homosexual. Maybe you're, like, the one exception."

"Dork," Karkat says, but the insult is pathetic when compared to his usual impressive standards. Then he leans over to kiss John on the nose, which might be the sappiest shit he's ever pulled. Ever. John smiles, Karkat smiles, and they keep having their sappy romcom moment with hearts flying around their heads.

This might be better than undying hatred. Just a little.