With a hiss of steam, the tank opened. My troll stepped out onto the cold linoleum floor in its golden slippers, ornate yellow gown shimmering in the harsh artificial light. I couldn't see its face through the steam, so I tried to get closer, but the lab technician held me back, warning that it was still newly hatched and needed a few minutes to get its bearings or it might lash out at me. He fiddled with his tablet, giving the data a last minute once-over, helping the troll orient itself, or something like that. I could see that it was twitching pretty badly and conceded the point. Shivering with anticipation, I complied, practically bouncing in place. My very own troll! It—no, HE, I knew it was boy, Jake told me how they assigned these things so I knew which one I would get—we are going to have so many adventures. Under my glorious leadership, we will mop the floor with everyone at school and go on to the tournaments, become city champion, then maybe someday when Trollish Layer is out of Beta, the world—

My troll finally found its footing and took a long confident stride towards me. Hells yeah, I thought, my troll is a fucking BOSS, he don't take no shit from anyone, why am I talking like a gangster? And then I couldn't restrain myself, I ran the rest of the way over to him, meeting him halfway and gave him a big hug—

"Wow you have longer hair than I thought," I said, pulling back, and finally getting a good look. No fucking way. Elegant pointy fangs poking over blue lips, pulled back in a roguish grin. A single pair of horns, not two, long and shaped like a highly stylized stinger and claw. Her eyes—I realized it was a girl and promptly let go, embarrassed, which was stupid because she didn't even have a personality yet— her plain old yellow eyes with big blue eyelashes instead of the flashing red and blue ones from the catalogue, looked up at me expectantly. I noticed the left one had seven pupils, six arranged around the seventh in a ring. I turned back to the lab tech. "Hey, what the heck?"

I live in Alternia City, an experimental planned community under control of the UN, on an island somewhere off the coast of New Zealand. We have a nice pocket ecosystem, thanks to a weather control array, so it's rarely too hot or too cold, but sometimes the humidity drifts in and there's no stopping typhoons, of course. The city is built for maximum efficiency and maximum aesthetic appeal, blending parks, true wilderness, and strikingly futuristic high-rise buildings into what was named one of National Geographic's 100 most Beautiful Cities in the World.

But that's all boring as Hell, let me tell you why this place is awesome.

The United Nations was approached by some insane scientist during the late developmental stages who told them that all their urban planning and utopian dreams wouldn't count for shit if two issues weren't addressed; ease of communication and conflict resolution. For the former, he proposed wiring the entire city with a holographic Augmented Reality that would allow anyone to instantly communicate with anyone else in the city, provided they wanted to be found, of course. He was willing to sell them that idea for a very reasonable price, and in fact already had several working prototypes so they knew he wasn't a con. He had to pay them to get them to accept the next idea.

Upon reaching a certain age, every citizen of the city gets a personalized android companion, called a troll. They look just human enough to form an emotional attachment, but not enough that you feel too bad about what happens next. In this city, people resolve their issues by making their trolls fight each other in glorious single combat. They don't actually hurt each other, usually, since the fights are almost always conducted through the use of the AR. It's better this way; if a Gemini troll could actually fire off gigantic optic blasts and move things with his mind, they wouldn't let kids play with them.

You can see the problem with this of course. It's far too fun to be backed by the government. But hey, it worked. Violent crimes are the lowest in the world, mostly because all potential violent crimes either transform into an amazing Technicolor display of magic and superpowers, or are stopped because the trolls are actually incredibly physically strong and can dissuade most people with darker intentions than simply picking a fight.

Naturally, people forgot the original intention of the system and started staging troll fights. This was discouraged at first, but again, they don't actually hurt each other, much, unless you're fighting a Sagittarius model. Soon, Trollish Layer as it began to be called, became the most popular sport in the city, and people in other countries started demanding trolls too. Most of Tokyo is wired up just like Alternia is now, and the US and the Commonwealth all have places you can go and rent one, like at arcades and stuff, but there's nothing quite like having a troll fight break out in the middle of a crowded street or a bamboo forest like in goddamn Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.

Anyway, my name is Neville Chamberlain, yes, like the Prime Minister. I get beaten up a lot by history nerds and Czech people. "And that's for giving up the Sudetenland!" one of them said, sinking his fist into my stomach. "One does not ever negotiate with fascists, dumbass! I'll teach you to appease Hitler's scurrilous demands!" Surprisingly enough, Jake English and I became friends after that, somehow.

We were hanging out one day and the discussion turned to trolls. I was a few months away from my thirteenth birthday, meaning a few months away from getting my troll. Everyone gets to personalize their troll, of course, but there are twenty-four basic models that are randomly assigned. "Oh, no they aren't!" he said, flipping through a Spider-Woman comic, "There are certain criteria."

"Huh? What kind?" I asked, suddenly interested. If I could figure out what troll I was going to get, I'd have a slight edge in training it.

He shrugged. "It's something to do with the zodiac. Yes, that's it! Surely you've noticed that every model is named after the zodiac. Clearly, your troll will have the same zodiac sign as you!"

So we did a little research. It turns out, the zodiac is bullshit, right, I mean obviously, because nobody can goddamn decide what your sign actually IS. God help you if you are born on the 21st of any month, like I was, because half of the websites in the world will decide that you're a Taurus and the other half will swear you're a Gemini. In the end, we decided that Alternia City's own website would probably have an 'official' zodiac, what with its importance to our culture and all that good stuff. It did! Jake had a field day with it. "This wonderful city of the future based in all the most cutting edge technology and social science actually has fucking horoscopes on its website so as to facilitate the enjoyment of a children's game!" he said, kissing the computer screen. I wiped it off and told him never to do it again.

Anyway I was, as far as the government was concerned, a Gemini, so then we looked up the Gemini models. There's two slightly different models for every sign, differentiated by 'alignment'; Prospit, which is defensive and comes with yellow accessories, and Derse, which is offensive and comes in purple. There's really nothing else to it, both Geminis were otherwise nearly identical. Regardless, I immediately loved my troll-to-be. Gemini models are so badass. They come with 'psionic' abilities (the AR just projects the illusion that stuff is being moved around, of course) and freaking eye-lasers. They're covered in spikes and fangs and have these awesome two-tone eyes (I wanted red and blue so badly). They're also much smarter than normal trolls. Whoever designed them must have been an experience role-player, because Geminis are total munchkins. That is, they have an array of amazing useful skills combined with several weaknesses that don't actually matter in the context of the game. Like, interpersonal skills. Why would my troll need those? I'm going to be doing all the gloating talking!

I spent the next few months researching Gemini combat skills, interviewing people who own them, going to arcades and practicing with cheap early model Geminis that they let you rent for a boondollar an hour. I bought a Gemini shirt and a stuffed Gemini and I got some red and blue sunglasses to hopefully match my Gemini. Fuck I said Gemini a lot. Doesn't matter: Gemini!

So, first thing I do on my thirteenth birthday, after finishing my birthday breakfast (pancakes, with a candle on), is race down to Trollish Layer HQ (it's the committee that makes and distributes the trolls). Jake meets me along the way; as my friend he deserves to bask in this momentous occasion.

We arrive, I show them my ID, and they usher me into the hatchery. Trolls are biomechanical, made of living cells mixed in with microscopic machines and stuff I don't understand. They're not built, but grown in big metal tubes. The way they open up, it looks like they're cracking, hence 'hatching'. My tube hatched out—

A female Scorpio model, bringing us back to the now. "No seriously, what the heck?" I asked, making sure to check my language in front of the adult. Them and their weird cursing taboo. Psh, how the fuck else am I supposed to express my emotions? I digress. "A girl I can handle," I said, pointing at her with my thumb; the roguish grin had yet to leave her face, "I don't have any problem with a girl robot. Heck, I might prefer it. But aren't I supposed to get a Gemini?"

The scientist sighed. "No." I gestured at him to explain. He groaned. "It's a very complex equation involving adding up all the numerals in your birth date excluding the year and using the resulting number to determine your horoscope. Numbers bigger than 12 just loop back, so a thirteen will get you an Aries and a twenty-seven will get you a Gemini. You're an eight, and that means a Scorpio, so get over it." He produced another, smaller tablet. "This is her control panel. You can try vocal commands; see if I give a damn. Go do whatever."

I held the tablet, shiny and yellow. At the moment it had all of her specs on display. Good speed and intelligence, excellent agility and dexterity, average strength. But, there was hardly any thaumaturgy, what we call special abilities, and all of those useless traits I'd mentioned; speech, psychology, charisma, and others, were through the goddamned roof (except scruples, for some reason). Basically, other than the piss poor defense, she was the exact opposite of a Gemini, which is basically a static turret with thaumaturgy instead of bullets. All of my preparations had been bullshit.

My dejection must have shown on my face, because Jake sauntered over to the scientist and said, "Now look here sir. My friend Neville had his heart set on a Gemini model. He's been researching and practicing for months now. He bought all the merchandise and a matching fucking outfit. Frankly, it's a tad embarrassing." He took a deep breath. "And he is the Prime Minister of England, and not a man you want to make enemies with! So I suggest—"

The three of us were thrown out onto the street. The scientist threw some small blue things at me. Weirdly shaped dice. "What's this?" I asked angrily.

"It's her weapon," he said, slamming the door. Dice. For a weapon. I laughed, figuring that I had gone insane. It started to rain. Fun.

A little while later, me and Jake were drying out in my room, and I was glaring at the Scorpio. "You may as well make the best of it chum," said Jake with a shrug. I started hammering away at the control panel. The first thing it asked me to do was to make her personality. I guess it's like in some video games where you have the option to make your character the traditional way or by doing a dumb little quiz. I was in too much of a hurry and accidentally picked the quiz, and I couldn't make it go back. Haste makes waste. "Bloody tablets," Jake muttered, "why is such imbecilic technology so ubiquitous?"

"Whatever you just said," I agreed, probably. You tend to expand your vocabulary or die trying, being friends with him. "Hey, let's just put in whatever," I said. "It's not like the personality matters that much."

"Are you sure? We could end up with something completely outlandish, and it's a decision you'll have to live with for the remainder of your days—"

"It'll be fun," I said.

"Probably," he agreed.

Q: A foe surrenders. What do you do?

A: Toss him off a cliff and laugh.

Q: You have committed a crime. What do you do?

A: Brag about how no one can stop me.

Q: You are having an argument with your frien—

A: KILL. THE. BITCH.

Q: Your friend warns you that your actions are intolerable and that s/he will be forced to stop you. What do you do?

A: Turn my back on him/her. I know full well s/he doesn't have the stones to do—AUGH! *dies*

Q: What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind?

A: An army of zombies.

Q: You meet a person who is almost your exact foil in personality. What do you do?

A: Fall madly in love.

And so on. Just the most crazy, over the top, ridiculous shit, because why not? And to be fair, whoever wrote these answers must have been smoking either really good crack or really bad crack. When we reached the end of the quiz, it prompted me to enter a name. Ugh, it'd been hard enough to come up with one for a model I'd wanted! "Any ideas Jake?"

He rubbed his chin for a moment, then snapped his fingers. "Vṛścika!"

I squinted at him. "Okay, no, seriously, have an idea."

"It's the Sanskrit word for Scorpio," he explained.

"It's just a bunch of noises you made up. How do you even—Vrshka? Verchyka?"

"Vṛścika," he said, enunciating slowly.

"It's dumb," I said with a degree of finality.

"Perhaps if we corrupted it a bit to make it easier on your tongue? How about…Vriska!"

"No," I said, not really listening. "She feels like a Scarlette. I'm really feeling that—but she's blue, fuck. Maybe something like Stingerette? 'Cause she's a girl and she's a scorpion! No that's dumb. Spinneret. No Spinnerette! No, wait, damn, if only spiders had a zodiac sign. Why do all my girl names end with –ette?"

Jake was likewise ignoring me. "What do you think of the name?" he asked her, like an idiot. "Vriska," he said slowly, as if trying to teach it to her. "Vriska." He got her attention at least, she turned her head slightly and her eyes focused on him, instead of just not focusing at all. The seven pupils in her left eye all zeroed in on him, it was kind of disconcerting to be honest. "I think she likes it!" he said. "Shut up, she's a toy," I said. Her eyebrows furrowed slightly. And then, like an idiot, I started drumming my fingers on the tablet, just as he said it again. "Are you Vriska?"

A voice came out of the tablet, quiet, calm, angelic even. "Name accepted: Vriska." I groaned.

"Yes," she said, moving her head slightly. She was suddenly animated, barely moving at all but she seemed so much more alive, as if body language is a thing you can do standing completely still. "I am Vriska," she said, with an almost dreamy quality in her voice, beginning to spin very slowly to take in the room. Her gown swished a little. She's kinda cute, I thought—

And then she saw me at last and her dreamy look was replaced with a vicious scowl. She strode over to me looking like God's revenge on murder, and lifted me up by the neck. Holy fuck she was strong. "So I'm not good enough for you am I?" She bellowed.

Jake whistled. "Well, time to be hitting the old dusty trail, have fun bro…."

Author's note: I just got this idea and thought it would be hilarious. See, I had thought, being born in late May, that my patron troll was Sollux, but it turns out that what you're supposed to do is add up the digits in your birthday to get your patron troll, and I got Vriska. Also I recently read Angelic Layer. Oy vey.

The character isn't a self-insert. If anything he's an unintentional expy of Kyon from Haruhi Suzumiya.

This is intentionally similar to an anime so if I get any bloody comments about how it's too anime, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will cry. That said I wanted to post this at a really awkward time every Saturday evening to really get the feel of watching a new anime, but instead I'm going to post one a day like the other fic until we catch up. It's meant to be episodic too, with story-arcs that get resolved in a couple chapters and just a few overarching storylines. It'll never really end, and I'll take suggestions, if I like them.