Hello all. This is a fic that got way out of hand and I love it! It details the adventures of me and one of my friends in middle earth. FYI, there will be a large amount lusting, but no actual romance. It helps if you have read the Very Secret Diaries by Cassie Claire, but its not really really important. And now…The adventures of kat and Sirrah in Middle earth!

~^~

The two girls appeared in the middle of a dark and void land. It was entirely random, but both simply looked around and shrugged. They'd always known something like this would happen. One of the girls grinned suddenly and tapped the other on the shoulder. Turning around, the first saw a small jet of flame. Her jaw dropped and she stepped towards it. She tripped and fell in. The first girl, with short hair, dove in after the other with out hesitation. Sauraman sat back, satisfied that that was the end of that, he was about to turn from the palentier when movement caught his eye. Both girls, slightly sooty but fine, crawled out, surprised looks on their faces.

"Ok. Sirrah. That was absolutley awsome!"

"No kidding. Fire is cool."

The first girl giggled, Sarauman stared. No one but a fire sprite could have survived the heat of Mordor! He looked closer.

"You do realize that you just contradicted yourself don't you?"

"Oops."

Sarauman stared. He decided that since he knew that Gandalf was safe in his tower, and the orcs were working, he could watch this for a while, and decide what to do. They were both beautiful, in a sense, but not in a way that would have turned heads at all. It was mostly their exuberance that caught his attention. Then again, the fact that they had just survived falling into a fire pit in Mordor helped. "Rikalash! Take a troop and go just over the border to Mordor. There are two young women there. I want them."

The orc bowed. Sarauman turned back to his watching.

~^~

"Kat? Did ya ever get the feelin you was being…watched?"

Kat looked at her friend strangely.

"You do know that that's a classic line from bugs bunny don't you?"

The fire pit next to them seemed to gasp. They looked at each other and simultaneously backed away. Kat nodded.

"Ok, fine, yes I do have that feeling. Although, the fact that we're here at all is a bit strange."

Sirrah looked surpirsed.

"You know where we are?"

Kat nodded.

"Middle earth! In Mordor me thinks."

Sirrah's jaw dropped.

"I dreamed this conversation. It was really weird, all I could feel was heat, and I couldn't see, but we were having this conversation! You had just that we were in Mordor!"

Kat raised her eyebrows, then held a hand up.

"I know! It was one of those weird dreams you have every once in a while, and you thought it was a regular one!"

"Sheesh, who wouldn't have?"

"True… so. What do we do now?"

"Um."

They stood there for a while, then Kat stood on her tip-toes.

"Well, there's a big band of mountains that a way, so I'm guessing that's the border of Mordor, lets walk that a way!"

Sirrah gulped.

"Um. Kat. If we're really in middle earth, do you suppose that Shelob is here?"

Kat stopped.

"Oh yeah. I forgot." She shrugged. "She isnt in this part of the mountains, Mt. Doom isn't anywhere near here, or we'd see it."

"Um. Kat."

Kat looked along Sirrah's pointing hand and sighed.

"Well. That's just crap."

"Now what?"

Kat gasped and turned around.

"Sirrah. I think our answer is coming at us. Very, very fast."

Sirrah swung around to look where Kat was.

"Oh my. I guess someone noticed us after all."

~^~

As they watched, the group of things drew closer. Within five minutes, they were close enough for Kat to see them, though she felt them mostly.

"Sirrah! They're orcs!"

Sirrah rolled her eyes.

"Great. Just what we need. Orcs from the grand master of evil himself."

Kat giggled.

"Presenting…the grand master of evil!"

They both collapsed into giggles. The orcs by now were so close that they could make out individuals. They suddenly stopped, seeming to be surprised to find two young women, in the middle of Mordor, Laughing their heads off. Probably forgot what laughter is, thought Kat.

"Yeah," said Sirrah, "you have to admit its pretty strange though."

Kat stopped laughing.

"Wait a sec. Did I say that outloud?"

"Um. I thought so…"

"No. No I didn't."

They paused, then slowly began to grin.

"Oh my does this ever have possibilitys."

"Stuck in middle earth, practicly immortal and a mind connection… I think I'm going to enjoy this!"

"Uh oh. Sirrah, I forgot, we have visitors."

Sirrah turned around to find that the orcs were six feet away, staring as if they were… well she didn't know, she had never seen an orc stare.

"Um. Can I help you boys…girls…whatever you are?"

An orc stepped out.

"We come from our master, Sauron."

Sirrah grinned.

"We figured that one out. What does the local evil overlord want?"

The orc ignored the slur on his master's name.

"He wishes to meet with you both. Right now."

Kat nodded and jumped up and down.

"Yay! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee're off to see the wizard the mortiful wizard of bad, because because because because becaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse, because of the horrible things he does!"

Sirrah looked pointedly at her friend.

"Kat. Saurons not a wizard, is he?"

"Oh yeah! He's an um…um… Morgaul!"

"Oh no…" moaned sirrah.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee're off to the the morgaul, the mortiful morgaul of bad, bacause because because because because!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because of the horrible things he does!"

"Kat. Shut. Up."

Kat sighed.

"Oh very well."

The orcs suddenly surged forward and grabbed the two of them. Sirrah protested.

"Augh! A bit impatient aren't we?"

She was entierly ignored, as was Kat.

~^~

After an hour of jostling, the orcs finally set them down. Their legs had fallen asleep, so they fell down. A voice began to drawl.

"Good. You know to kneel."

Kat rubbed her head.

"Sirrah, did anyone say anything about bowing to you?"

"Ugh. I don't think so. But then, my brain is scattered along the ground, and I'm still gathering the pieces."

"Join the club."

Kat got up, brushed herself off, then looked up. There was nothing in front of her, but she knew that she was talking to some spirit or another.

"Oh great. It's Sauron. I forgot, he doesn't have a body."

Sirrah looked around.

"Where's the voice coiming from?"

Kat sighed.

"Sirrah, I just explained this. It's Sauron, I don't think he gets a body until the third book."

"Oh. Oh yeah. So wheres that evil eye wreathed in fire?"

She gain an evil look on her face. Kat found that she was more scared of that look than she was of Sauron. Suddenly, the eye appeared in their minds. Neither was surprised, or scared.

"Hey Sauron, where's the glittery eyshadow?"

Kat smiled.

"I always thought it was Mascara…"

"Yeah it is, but its kind of hard to wear mascara when your eyelashes are gone..."

"Yeah, it probly is, what'd you do that for Sauron? Come on, its horrible fashion sense!"

"Like we're one to judge."

"True."

Before they knew it, they were sitting in a rather cold dungeon.

~^~

"Hey sirrah?"

"Wha?"

"Suppose we could get out?"

Sirrah looked around.

"Nope. I'd say it's pretty hopeless."

"Oh come on, its never that bad!"

Sirrah just looked at her.

"Ok…so it is, but that's beside the point!"

"Of course it is, it is the point."

"Whatever."
"Hey, that's my line!"

"So? Can I steal it for a minute?"

"No! Its mine!"

"What? Ok fine, here!"

She pushed some air at her. Sirrah acted as if to catch it, then hugged it too her.

"Squee! My line, my wonderful wonderful line."

She then proceeded to pet the line, all the while muttering.

"My precious…my beatuiful beautiful precious…"

Kat decided that it was a good time to hide in the corner. Sitting twenty feet from eachother, silence ensued until Kat thought of something that was rather odd.

"Why aren't we scared of Sauron?"

Sirrah shrugged.

"Maybe its something about the world difference?"

"Yeah, possibly the fact that we are from another world makes us immune to his…um…charms."

Sirrah snorted.

"Charms? You call them charms?"

"Well? What would you call them?"

"I dunno, scarings?"

Kat hit her head.

"That isnt even a word!"

"Well it is now."

Kat just shook her head.

"Here we are, in the great Sauron's dungeon, guarded by vicious orcs, and we're arguing about whether scarings is a word or not. Good greif."

Sirrah nodded. They were silent. Kat leaned against the wall, humming. All of the sudden, her singing became a *lot* louder. Kat sat up and listened, Sirrah had apparently nodded off. Suddenly, Kat recognized the new tune. It was 'I'm bringing home a baby bumble bee'. After a while of listening and not finding the source, she ignored it. Sirrah was having better luck though, because she was asleep. Then again, she wasn't anymore, because she woke up all the way and said.

"Oh crap. The song that never ends is next."

Sure enough, five minutes later, the song that never ends began to resound through the dungeon. The orcs that were guarding them looked around, very confused. Sirrah stood up and motioned Kat to do the same.

"Sing along, it'll speed the process."

"What process? Driving them insane?"

To her utter surprise, Sirrah nodded. When she looked through the bars while singing, she found the five guards, trying to cover their ears, and…

"Oh my god. Is that Anne?"

Sirrah looked through the bars.

"Where?"

"Right there, in front of the guards!"

"Huh?"

"Crap. You cant see her, can you?"

"Nope."

"Um. Ok. Squint your eyes so that there's only a small slit to see through…I think it'll help."

Sirrah did so, gasped, and opened her eyes all the way.

"It is Anne! And I can see her with my eyes open now!" She shook her head, the guards were now holding their heads at the song, which had been going for about an hour now. "She must be more of fwooper than we thought."

Kat nodded.

"Who da thunk it?"

"Us. Now keep singing."

So, they did, and soon the orcs succumbed to the white veiled figure, who just happened to be a siren now. Not to mention a friend of theirs. Kat figured out what she was on middle earth first, and quickly informed Sirrah.

"Sirrah, she's not a fwooper! She's a siren! She must be! Remember all the stories from Odysseus? Besides, a fwooper is a harry potter thing!"

Sirrah nodded, and kept singing. Neither of them knew what kept her song from driving them insane, but didn't really care either. Finnally, the orcs coward against the back wall of an empty cell. Anne the white veiled siren, as Kat now thought of her, stopped singing, strode in and took the keys from one of them, waggling them in front of his face before shutting the gate behind her. To Kat and Sirrah's cheers, she unlocked their cell, winked, and propmtly dissapeared. Immediately after Anne the white veil siren dissapeared, all hell broke loose.

~^~

Saraumen was angry. Sauron had gotten to them first. However, that was easily fixable. Holding his hand over the palentier, he chanted the spell so that he could contact his master. Sauron answered, and Sauraman told him that two girls had trespassed on his lands, asking if his master had seen them. Sauron did not reply for a long time. Finally he said,

"The two witches of the lost realm? Yes, they are here."

Sarauman smiled evily.

"They have trespassed on my lands, my master, I wish to punish them suitably."

Silence was heard from the other side for long moments. Suddenly, the eye flared.

"I will bring them to you. Do not kill them."

With another menacing flare, the palentier was dark. Sarauman sighed, happy to have the two in his hands.

~^~

(Ok, lets see if I can type…)

Just as the two were about to celebrate their safety, six more orcs ran in. They didn't seem to be surprised that the two were out, assuming that there were guards somewhere. Again, both had the unpleasant sensation of being randomly grabbed by an orc.

"Why do I suddenly feel like a large bag of onions?" asked sirrah.

"Because that's how we're being carried!" replied Kat.

"Oh yes, now I remember. I don't suppose there's any point in asking where we're going now?"

Kat shook her head. "I doubt it."

Sirrah sighed and tried to find a way to pass the time. She found it in falling asleep.

Kat meanwhile was attempting to figure out what the answer was to the riddle of why they were here. So far she could only think of forty two. She was just considering counting cars when she remembered that there were none. Then she tried trees. That didn't work either, as they were still in Mordor. So she decided to sing. The orcs jostled her to much for all of the songs she felt like singing, and she soon nodded off. A rustling seemed to awake her, and small, tinny voice yelling 'put It out! Put it Out! He'll squeeze me in two if you don't, he says so!'. She raised her head, and looked closely at sirrah.

"Sirrah? Did you say somethin?…Sirrah? I guess not."

Suddenly, a song sifted to her ears, a cheery tune, sung to nonesense. She listened, and then began to hum along, laughing with the person singing. Somehow she knew that this was supposed to happen, and didn't question it. The song ended abrutply when a voice shouted 'Help!'.

There was a flurry of unanswered questions and the name Tom Bombadil. Kat didn't pay attention until the voice pleaded again for help.

'My friends are stuck in a willow tree!'

'Master Merry's being squeezed in a crack!'

Kat gasped, and lost the reply.

"Merry? Willow! Cracks! OH MY GOD!!!"

"Huh? What?"

"Sirrah! Sirrah! Oh my god! I just figured it out! We got dropped in when the hobbits are in the woods! I know when we are!"

"Oh…is that a good thing?"

Kat sighed, exasperated. "Yes, it means that we can meet up with them at wheathertop!"

"Squee! That means we get to see Aragorn!"

"Grrrr. You get Boromier!"

"No! I want Aragorn!"

"Fine, you can have him. Just so long as I get Legolas."

"Fine. Take your pretty boy."

"Oh shut up."

They sat in annoyed silence, until they were finally dumped on their bums.

~^~

Apparently, the orcs had been waiting for night to fall on the outskirts of Mordor. They then picked the two up, and proceeded to run cross-country for hours and hours. Kat eventually saw the tower of Isenguard when her orc tripped. She woke up, looked at it, thought, hmmm, cool, then went back to sleep.

~^~

"The two women of the lost realm of Angmar…"

"Sirrah…"

"huh?"

"Is that you talking?"

"No! Do I really sound like that?"

"Hey, Im tired, gimme a break."

"No."

"Oh sod it, I think its Sarauman."
"Great."

They opened their eyes to find themselves on the ground, and a bright white light walking down some stairs. Then light faded, and a man wearing white robes and with white hair was found coming towards them. The two looked at each other.

"Bleach." Said Kat.

"No, that's not bleach, that's white paint. Bleach is in Lothlorien."

"Well, at least for the robes."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Good grief! How does he *do* that? Are we in a clorox Commercial?"

Sirrah began to giggle.

"Sarauman the white uses Clorox Bleach! Why aren't you?"

They both collapsed, laughing hystericaly.

"SILENCE!"

They stopped, looked at their new kidnapper, and began to laugh again. Sarauman glared. They just laughed harder. Between the laughter, another figure appeared, in a long white veil. Kat was surprised, there wasn't a song to go along with it.

"Hey Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarauman! Why don't you show them some of you WWF moves?"

Sarauman pointed at the figure with his staff, looking surprised. With a puff of smoke, Anne was gone again, leaving Kat and Sirrah in a rather…strange condition. They were speechless, with laughter, leaning against eachother, trying despratly to breath. Sarauman glared again, then said,

"BOW BEFORE ME WITCHES!!"

Kat was still laughing, but had gotten it under control enough to say,

"Witches? Surely you're joking!"

"I do not…joke."

"Oh sure…'your love for the hobbits weed has surely clouded your brain' isn't a joke?" said Sirrah.

Kat began to laugh, then purposefully fell over, saying

"Hobbits sho cute! Whoops, fell over!"

Sarauman looked at them strangly.

"Surely you are afraid of Sarauman the white!"

Kat shook with laughter. Sirrah sat up.

"Who are you calling shierly? I'm not shierly! Are you?"

Kat shook her head.

"Nope, not me!"

Sirrah shook her head.

"Well it isn't me! Sorry Sarauman, you don't scare anyone here…"

Sarauman looked stunned.

"Why are they not afraid?" he muttered. Kat had an evil idea. She stood up, entirely composed.

"It's the cloths."

Sarauman looked suspisious, then interested.

"What was that you said?"

~^~

Ten minutes later, Kat had explained that, since white was the color of purity, people would never be scared of him. Sarauman had started and said that he would simply change his color to black, the oppisite of white. Sirrah, having caught on quickly, had grinned and said,

"Oh no, that is so cliché! Don't you want to stand out amongst the ranks of local evil overlords? You must have a color that reflects your many faces! Or should I say, colors?"

Sarauman, looking considereing, had been silent, stroking his beard. They waited breathlessly for his answer.

~^~

"I'll do it. What must we do?"

Evil grins ensued.

~^~

"Ok. I think we're done."

Sirrah nodded.

"Yep. I think we are."

They untied the strings on his robes, and shook it out. All in the room gasped.

"Kat, I didn't trust you before, but now I believe that Hippie is the true evil color!"

Kat and Sirrah had to maintain iron control to not laugh hystericaly. So, they did the logical thing, and ran out of the room. Sarauman did not follow, being too stunned with his new 'look' to move, much less order someone to follow them. When they realized that they were alone, they began to walk around, looking for one particular thing.

~^~

"Kat! There it is!"

"Gasp! Squee!"

They both ran up and ripped the cloth from the small crystal-type ball. The only thing that they saw was sarouns eye. Sirrah commented something about the mascara still being gone when a voice behind them stopped them both.

"I see that you have found the Palentier."

Sirrah shrugged.

"Yep, is it really better than cable?"

"Cable? What is this…Cable?"

Kat laughed.

"Never mind."

Sirrah, being the local evil semi evil overlord (they didn't count Sarauman), said,

"You might know it as a local evil overlords network."

Kat was immobile by laughter.

"HEHE Its so true!"

Sirrah looked around as Sarauman tried to look impressive in his new red, blue and green robes.

"So, Sarauman, this is where you put the smackdown on Gandalf?"

Kat giggled.

"No silly! That doesn't happen for at least a month."

"Oh. So I don't have the book memorized, sue me!"

"Ok, how much can I get?"

"Nothing! I never said it!"

"Oh yes you did!"

"It wasn't me! It was the sheep, they made me do it!"

Kat looked around.

"Alright, who has the coke?"

Sirrah snorted.

"Probly Sarauman, he's the only one here crazy enough."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Er…"

"That's what I thought."

Between this entire argument, Sarauman had suddenly realized something. The two young women that he had thought to investigate were driving him crazy.

"Leave this place! I must use this insturment!"

Kat rolled her eyes.

"In other words sirrah, he's going to say hello to Sauron."

"Oh? Is that what Sauron's going to say I wonder?"

Kat dissolved into giggles.

"Perhaps, but Sarauman needs a hearing aide, so he certainly won't hear it!"

And out of the room they walked, laughing hysterically.

~^~

It was fixed. In a weeks time, the girls would be back in his master's hands. Meanwhile, he must try to unravel their mysteries.

"Er…Sarauman? Could you possibly give us some other cloths?"

Sarauman turned around, regarding the two's unusual clothing.

"I believe that we could find something…suitable."

The two looked at eachother, back to their 'captor' and back at eachother again.

"You know sirrah, that was not a friendly yes…" said Kat.

Sirrah nodded.

"Why don't you just ask wormtail to grab some of the queen's old cloths?"

Kat punched sirrah lightly on the arm.

"Sirrah, its wormtongue!"

"Oh…oh yeah."

"Ok… so, sarauman, move over."

Kat went right up to him, pushed him over, and uncovered the palentier.

"Now lemme see…"

She closed her eyes, held her hand over the ball and said,

"Wormtongue! giver of secrets,

dealer in lies!

Over lands hard and long

As the eagle flies!

Through this spell I call to you

Over rivers mountains and Mines

, Speak to me!"

Suddenly, the palentier turned black, then cleared, showing a greasy looking man in a small room, on his knees.

Sirrah just shrugged, she wasn't surprised that the incantation had worked. Sarauman gaped. He had never used it that way, but it had worked for certain.

"Master…"

"Oh sod it. Wormtogune, come to me, and steal some of the lady's cloths."
The guy in the palentier didn't even look up, just nodded and said,

"Yes master."

Kat snapped her fingers and turned around. Sirrah grinned and clapped. Kat gave a mock curtsey. Sarauman was still busy gaping. Kat went up to him and closed his mouth, since he didn't seem to be able to. The two then walked out, saying.

"When'll he be here?"

"Oh, within the next three days, the capital of Rohan is close to Isenguard, otherwise Sarauman and wormtogune wouldn't have such a close relationship." Kat stopped talking, looked at Sarauman, and they both began to laugh hystericaly. Sarauman was unaware of it.

~^~

Five days later, Sirrah woke up, rolled over in the semi bed, then remebered the dream she had had.

"Kat! Wake up! Now!"

"Huh? What?"

"Sarauman's going to try and kill us!"

Kat raised her eyebrows.

"Really now? I though Sauron told him not to."

Sirrah shook her head.

"He thinks we're too dangerous. That bit with the palentier scared him witless."

Kat shrugged.

"Ok, I don't blame him. We can play this to our advantage."

"And *how* does Sarauman trying to kill us give us an advantage?"

Kat grinned.

"Don't worry bout it. Hows he going to do it?"

"Lunch, he's going to feed us some poison or another, oh yeah, and Wormtail, I mean tongue, is here, and he didn't bring the cloths, just the poison."

Kat swore.

"Damn. And I was looking forward to some new cloths."

Sirrah nodded.

"We could wash them."

"Yeah, I guess we could, theres a river near here, the ents redirect it in at one point, it isn't far. And we could use sheets as makeshift sarongs."

"What was that about Sauron?"

Kat giggled.

"I said, Sarongs!"

"Oh…"

It was too much, and they both collapsed into laughter.

~^~

After breakfast, which Sirrah had assured Kat was fine, they told Sarauman that they were going to the Entwash to wash the cloths, since Wormtongue hadn't brought them any. Sarauman was too stunned to answer. He had thought that wormtongue's arrival had been secret. They walked out of Isenguard unhindered, admiring the big white hand. Kat turned around, looked at the building for a moment, then pointed.

"There it is, that's where wormtongues going to throw the Palentier out."

"Throw the palentier out?"

"Yeah, he goes insane or somethin. Don't you remember?"

"Oh yeah…and pippin see's Sauron."

Kat nodded and they continued on. They found the river, and got onto the semi-pressing topic of what sarauman was planning.

"Tell me everything you remember."

"I have, the only thing I havn't is that its lethal to them too!"

Kat grinned.

"Then its easy! Act as if you taste it, then tell him its awful. Any person would tell you that it's fine, and tell you that theirs tastes ok. So then we tell *them* to taste it."

"Oh…hehehe. This is going to be fun."

Kat nodded.

"I think I'm beginning to like it here."

"Beginning?'

"Point."

~^~

As the steaming bowls of soup were put in front of them, Kat winked at Sirrah and put her spoon near the soup but didn't take any. She put it in her mouth, then spittted it out, pulling a face.

"Sarauman! This is awful! What are you trying to do? Poison us?"

Sirrah mirrored her, then pulled her own face.

"Ick."

Kat nodded.

"I second that."

"SILENCE! You soup is fine! Here we sit with the same thing, from the same bowl! Why do you complain!"

Kat raised her eyebrows and smiled ironically.

"Fine then, you taste it."

"No."

"Yes! Go ahead!"

"No."

"Oh I insist!"

"I refuse wench!"

Kat pretended to be hurt.

"Fine, if that's the way you feel about it! I'm off!"

She got up and left. It was sirrah's turn now.

"I'm…I am no longer hungry. And you have insulted my friend, so I am afraid that I may no longer *ahem* enjoy you're company."

And with that, she was out the door, meeting an exstatic Kat.

"We pulled it off! Go us!"

Sirrah snickered.

"Have delivered smack down, Go me!"

Kat sighed.

"I guess this means we'll be hungry."

"Oh well, did you see the looks on their faces!?"

Kat grinned.

"Priceless."

~^~

That evening, Sarauman had the pleasure of realizing that Sauron had sent his minions, the orcs, to retrive his visitors. Once again, the girls had the 'pleasure' of being grabbed and randomly dragged to places by orcs. This time, the orcs were slower, and stupider. They were…easily manipulated.

"Sirs! Sirs! This is unneasacary! Who is your master?"

"We serve only Sauron."

"Well? Who ordered you to take us?"

"Sarauman."

"Is that your master?"

"Sauron is our master."

"Then why are you taking us?"

Suddenly, they were on their bums, watching the orcs draw quickly away.

~^~****

What'll happen next? You never know until you see the next chapter!