A/N - Ok, this story needs quite a few trigger warnings.

TRIGGER WARNINGS::: SELF HARM, BODY DYSMORPHIA, PAIN, SADNESS

Thank you for your time.

~DeathlyFlames

Kankri knocked lightly on the door to Cronus' hive. The evening had just begun and there was a chill to the air. Kankri was glad he was wearing his sweater and he hugged it close, feeling comfort in the soft, woven threads. When there was no answer, he knocked again, but slightly louder, feeling the vibration ring through the wood and his skin. Only the sound of the waves and distant featherbeasts echoed through the windswept patch of land that Cronus called home. The ship, old and decrepit, hardly seemed a proper home for anyone, let alone someone who prized their blood color so much. But, Kankri shrugged. Who was he to judge the hives of the other trolls? It was certainly not something he would share out loud, lest he offend some poor soul.

The troll sighed audibly, shaking his head. Cronus must be asleep, or maybe he wasn't even home. Kankri considered just turning and leaving, trying this trip on another day, but something stopped him. If someone at that moment had asked him to describe the feeling, he would have said 'it was like a tugging on my stomach'. But that was a lie. It wasn't just a nagging gut feeling. Something deep down, at his very core, was speaking to him, drawing him forward. It was silly, he was thinking to himself, considering barging into Cronus' hive just because he was worried about his friend having some silly fight with Meenah. But the feeling remained.

Finally Kankri decided to throw caution to the wind that swept more and more fiercely behind him. Even if it was only for a moment, just to make sure, Kankri needed to know that he was safe. He tried the knob on the door and, upon finding it unlocked, he slipped inside, closing it behind him. The door shut softly, only a small click barely resonating in the entrance. The hive was as chilled as the wind outside, maybe even more so, but Kankri noted it was probably because of the seadweller's cold blood. He hugged his sweater a little closer as he looked around.

"Cronus?" he called out tentatively. There was no answer. He took a step forward, hearing his feet creak over the old wooden floors. He called out again. This time, a small sob caught his attention. He started towards the noise.

"Cronus is that you?" he called a little louder. He twisted his way through the maze of rooms that the ship had, drawing nearer and nearer to the mournful crying that found it's way to his ears. "Cronus?" He said once more. He was standing outside a door – the Captain's quarters. Kankri should have guessed that his friend would hole himself up in a room like that. He had always been one to play games – pirates, wizards, you name it. He was always a fanciful wiggler. But as Kankri slowly opened the door, all the sweet memories he once had vanished, replaced by an icy chill that dripped down his insides.

"Kankri?"

Hearing his own name spoken in such a broken, dying tone nearly stopped his heart where he stood. He pushed the door open slightly and the sobbing almost ceased. Cronus was on his knees, facing away from Kankri, his hands in his lap. His head was bowed, almost as if in prayer, but Kankri knew better. Something was very wrong. He took a step forward. Cronus didn't move. He took another step and reached out, and this time, his friend instinctively flinched away.

"You shouldn't be here." he said. His normally fun tone was gone, replaced by a cold demeanor that spoke only of the pain he was so obviously feeling. Kankri swallowed, resisting the urge to obey Cronus and walk out of the room. He knew he shouldn't be here, invading his friend's personal space. But, at the same time, he knew he should. He knew that right now, he needed to be there for Cronus.

"Are you okay?" he questioned. Cronus bowed his head lower and drew his arms in tighter. Kankri took this opportunity to place a gentle hand on his shoulder. Cronus flinched again. Horror filled the Cancer troll's eyes. The side of Cronus' neck was showing, revealing his beautiful flushed gills, made ugly by crude stitching. Blood tricked down his neck. Up on his cheek, his ear fins were missing notches and chunks, drops of purple trickling down his head and onto his flawless white shirt. Kankri's breath caught in his throat. He fell to his knees and used his hand to lightly shove Cronus so he would look at him. The troll barely moved, his eyes cast down, violet tears mixing with the beautiful blood on his face and in his lap. From his new angle, Kankri could now see what was in Cronus' hands.

It was a handsaw. Gleaming and shiny, it was a well-made and sturdy tool. Well suited for cutting through tough material. Kankri's heart skipped. He tried to reach for it, but Cronus held tight to the other end.

"Cronus what are you doing?" he asked forcefully, trying to pry the tool from the sea troll's grasp. Cronus kept his grip, but was only silent for a moment.

"Finding myself." he stated. Kankri stopped and let go. Cronus cast his gaze up, a sad smile spread over his handsome face. "I'm finding myself, Kan."

"What do you...Cronus what..." Kankri couldn't find the words he so desperately needed. On any other day he was full of things to say and opinions to give. But, for the first time in his life, Cronus Ampora had left him speechless. He tried looking between the mutilated ears and the poorly sewn gills, hoping something would give him an answer, but there was nothing. Cronus was still smiling.

"I know what I am." he whispered. "I'm a human. I know that now. I GET IT." He put a hand to his neck and gingerly touched the wounds. "I need to make myself human."

"Cronus...that's crazy! You can't injure yourself like this just to prove a point! Look, we need to have your wounds treated. Come back to my hive, I have some medical supplies, I'll fix you up."

He stopped as his friend was still smiling and slowly shaking his head. Tears were still falling down his cheeks and he looked so...happy. That was really the only word Kankri had for Cronus. Happy. Like he finally got something he really wanted. But he didn't want to see his friend have to suffer through this.

"Can...I help you somehow?" he asked desperately, hoping that maybe there was something he could do to bring the seadweller to his senses. Kankri considered running to get help, maybe Porrim or Horuss or Rufioh might be of assistance. But he was still looking into Cronus' eyes and he felt a twing in his stomach. Cronus placed the saw gently into his hands. Kankri looked at it, wide-eyed, fear pulsing through him. What did Cronus want him to do with this?

"Help me be human, Kan." It wasn't a question. And it wasn't a demand. It was a plea. Kankri felt tears threatening at his own eyes.

"I don't...what do you..." he was lost in a sea of confusion and terror. Cronus reached up and gingerly rubbed one of his horns.

"I always used to love them. I polished them every night and when I was younger I would sharpen the ends. But they're not mine anymore."

"Cronus please." he begged. But Cronus just smiled at him. "Please...please no. I can't do this. I can't let you do this. Cronus this is wrong. You are very ill and this is so so wrong. Please let's just stop and I'll get you some help I promise. We can go to the others I'm sure they'll help us out." his normal calm and collected tone was gone, panic setting into his voice. He couldn't. Cronus couldn't. He wouldn't.

But Kankri was wrong. Cronus would. And, he realized, Cronus had already started. He held the saw tighter. Could he really help Cronus mutilate and possibly kill himself? Could he live knowing Cronus would be injured for sweeps, if not longer, because he was too weak to find help? But the look on Cronus' face. The same feeling inside him that had brought him here was calling at him again. Asking, begging, for Kankri to help Cronus. He sighed.

"I don't have any antiseptic." Kankri whispered. Cronus shook his head.

"I don't need it. I just...can't do it alone."

At a loss for words, Kankri just kept staring at the sweet, pained, smiling friend. Finally he shut his eyes tight and hissed in a breath.

"I'm going to need a knife and some sutures. I'll need to redo your..." he swallowed hard, "...gills." Cronus nodded and reached over to where he had tossed both of those things from when he had attempted the same procedure. Kankri took them, hands shaking, mind numb. He couldn't believe he was here. What he was about to do. Cronus was obviously crazy. Was he crazy too? He wasn't sure. What he was sure of was that his friend was awfully lucky that he head learned how to suture and treat wounds sweeps ago. He swallowed air and kneeled next to Cronus' shoulder, sweeping his blood and sweat matted hair out of the way. His skin was cold to the touch and Kankri hadn't even realized how much his blood had flushed him. The fear, the adrenaline, the panic – he was a nervous wreck. And yet, he took a deep breath, and slid the knife carefully along the crude string. He heard Cronus hiss in a breath as the wounds were moved, but it didn't take long for Kankri to remove all the stitches. He brushed the gills lightly, feeling the soft flesh beneath his fingertips. He strung a needle and pressed it near one side of the tender gills.

Tears were running down his own face now, red spilling onto his sweater. Violet dripped out of the holes he pierced and ran the string through. Cronus jerked his head forward and Kankri panicked, but his friend soon regained his composure. Kankri went back to his careful stitching, pretending that it was indeed a wound, and not his friend's underwater survival he was sewing. Finally, he finished one side, tugging the knot at the end tight. He touched the gills tenderly again, feeling the rough texture the string had put on his wonderful and soft gills. He took a deep breath and strung the needle again for the other side.

He moved over, waiting for Cronus to find something to bite. He grabbed a loose piece of wood and dislodged it, placing the object between his teeth. Cronus bit down hard and Kankri began the stitching, removing from his mind any worry he had about infections and disease. The surgery wasn't exactly sterile and the last thing Kankri wanted was to be the cause of some life-threatening illness. He finished the sewing swiftly and didn't hesitate in dropping the needle and sitting back. He rocked on his palms, tasting sweet air as he tried to catch his breath.

He couldn't believe what he was doing. But even through all the pain and the tears, Cronus was still smiling. Kankri's heart twinged again. He didn't quite understand, or quite relate to what Cronus was feeling, but what was important was that Cronus knew what he wanted. Kankri glanced at the knife and then to the ear fins.

"Cronus..."

His friend looked at him.

"Please tell me you're reconsidering this decision. Please. Please tell me to stop. I'll undo all the stitches."

"Kan. I need this."

Kankri choked on a sob and pulled his knees to his chest. This was not okay. Nothing about this was okay. What it was was painful. Painful that Cronus felt he needed to change himself. Painful that Kankri was assisting him.

"Cronus I...I would need a hot piece of metal to sauter the wound." he looked around. There was no fire anywhere around in which to heat metal, and he really didn't want to sit around and wait for one to get hot enough. Cronus wasn't looking at him, but Kankri knew what he was thinking regardless. He took a deep breath. "How...how about some cloth. Do you have any?" Cronus shook his head. Then he stopped. He gave a brief, calculating look before swinging his shirt over his head, hissing at the pain when his gills ached. He gripped his shirt in his fists, feeling the soft cloth bunched beneath him. Cronus moved to hand him the shirt but Kankri shook his head.

"No. I need you to put pressure on the wound as soon as I'm done cutting it. It's the only way to keep you from losing a lot of blood." Cronus nodded and Kankri moved closer, carefully touching the already chopped ear. Nausea rose in his stomach and Kankri fought to keep it down, calling upon breath after breath to regain his composure, or what was left of it. He reached over and grabbed the knife, and gently tested the sharpness. It was a razor in his fist and he swallowed again. Cronus put the wood back in between his teeth and held the shirt at the ready. Kankri lifted his arms and sliced down, crying out as he did so.

Cronus shouted, the wood taking most of the verbal abuse, but still it escaped from his lips. He was sobbing again as Kankri slid the knife over the fins, cutting them off in one fell swoop. Tears clouded his vision and he was choking on tears as the blood spilled over his fingers. His hand slipped, nicking his skin, but he didn't stop. He pressed onward until all the excess flesh had been removed. Cronus reached up instinctively with the cloth to press down on the wound.

He looked down at his own hands, seeing his bright red blood mix with the deep, royal color of the seadweller's. He wiped his hands on his pants desperately, wanting the color off of him. His hand was still bleeding where he had cut it, but it wasn't as bad as it was. He moved over to Cronus' other side, breath coming out in hard gasps. He tried inhaling deeply to stop the hyperventilating. His heart wasn't completely calm, but his breath was coming out much more evenly. He held the knife up to the other ear, feeling the tears starting down his cheeks as he slid the knife through again. They were both crying now, their sobs intertwining into a beautiful mix of pain and love and sadness. It was the orchestra of two souls coming together to create one beautiful thing, one happiness. When he was done, Cronus moved the cloth over to the freshly cut ear, leaving the other to only seep a little bit of fluid. Kankri dropped his knife and looked at his hands again. He wasn't sure when it had happened, but at some point he had cut his hand once more, trails of candy red swirling down his hand and onto the floor.

Kankri took some deep breaths. It would be a moment before they could continue. The bleeding would have to stop before he would be comfortable moving on. He began counting his breaths. The steady pace of counting was bringing his mind back into himself, reveling in his routine and rhythm. After a few minutes of silence, the bleeding had basically stopped. Kankri would have to make sure he cauterized the wounds later. But for now, he knew Cronus wouldn't be truly happy, truly "human" until he removed his horns.

"Are you really sure about this?" he asked again as Cronus handed him the saw. He nodded.

"I've never been more sure about anythin' in my whole life."

He gestured at the wood and Cronus grabbed the piece, sticking it in his mouth. It was going to hurt. They both knew that. Kankri just wasn't sure if his friend knew how much it was going to hurt. He moved close again, placing the shining blade near the base of his horns. It wouldn't be completely perfect, or completely flush, but with how long his hair was, they would be short enough for him to cover the spots up. He gazed upon the crack where glimmering silver met dusty orange. And he began to saw.

The sound that came out of Cronus' mouth was that of a distressed animal. He screamed as the blade cute through the sensitive horns. Kankri tried to hold him still, but Cronus jerked, making Kankri accidentally tug the horn and sending an explosion of pain through his friend. He cried out, hands over his face and Kankri finished with the first horn. He dropped it, watching as trickles of violet crept out from the base and the removed appendage. Kankri watched as his blood dripped onto Cronus' hands. Sobbing rang through the chamber, but Kankri couldn't tell if it was him or his friend making the accursed sound. In the end, he agreed on both.

Kankri caught his breath in his throat as he began on the second horn. The saw was sharp and slid through the horn like butter, slicing past all the years of hardened material. Cronus was trying his hardest not to rock back and forth, trying to keep from passing out from the pain. Kankri figured he must be stronger than he thought if his friend could survive such immense torture. And when Kankri finally sawed through the last bit of horn, he dropped the saw, falling back. He was still gripping Cronus' horn, but he paid it no mind as he sat in a stunned silence.

Cronus took the saw into his lap again, the blade stained with red and violet, a dangerous mix. He looked down at it, fingering the blade gently. It was all over now. Kankri was relieved. It was all over. He took some more deep breaths, fighting hard to keep his nausea down. Cronus was still playing with the blade, turning it over and over in his hands, studying the foul liquid on it.

"I'm not done." he whispered. Kankri stopped.

"What?"

Cronus didn't look at him. Instead he raised the saw to his forearm.

"I'm not done. Don't you get it? To be human, my blood needs to be a beautiful bright red. Like yours. But I have to get rid of my horrible purple first." he moved to saw into his arm. Kankri leapt forward, knocking the tool out of the way. Cronus almost fell back, shock settling through him as the mutant blood fit himself into Cronus' lap and threw his arms around his neck. Kankri held him tight, tears still running in rivulets down his face.

"Please." he whispered. "Stop."

Cronus was silent. His body frozen. His breath was caught in his throat. Finally, after several seconds, he returned the hug, wrapping his arms tightly around his friend and letting his violet tears stain his red sweater.

Cronus smiled.