Author's Note: It's riddled with typos and other errors, but here yah go. A useless crack-fic. Enjoy,a and don't take any of this seriously.

Blonde Ra'zac and Idiot Humans

She's close.

The Ra'zac tensed, running his tongue along the edge of his beak anticipating the meal to come. He'd been unceremoniously dumped in this village by his good-for-nothing, jack-ass, cousin to hunt on his own for the first time in his life, and he was eager to succeed, not only to appease his unhappy belly, but to avoid being laughed at. The bastard was undoubtedly hanging around to watch the show, or lack thereof if things turned ugly. He wouldn't let the jerk laugh at him, he'd kill a human and he'd never have to sneak out of the cave and risk his parents' wrath ever again.

And his chance was fast approaching. The human female, was in sight. She was average height, blonde haired, blue-eyed, and just as ugly as every other human he'd ever had the misfortune of laying eyes upon.

A basket hung from her arm, resting on her hip, rocking as she walked- or maybe it rocked as she swayed to the tune she was humming.

Another stupid human; insane and oblivious to the world around her, and now she was going to pay for her idiocy. All that was left was for her to pass him, so she couldn't retaliate-maybe if he angled his attack properly he could use her basket to knock the air out of her lungs- and her flesh would be his.

Finally, "Dinner." He froze horrified. Oh Shit!

"Sure."

He'd blown his cover. His mortification doubled. She'd heard. Cold with shame and dread- his quarry had heard, and he'd lost his meal and, and, now his life was potentially at stake. "Fuc-what?"

Through the onset of panic he thought maybe he'd heard her speak, but he had to be mistaken- no human with half a brain would have hung around. He reluctantly raised his embarrassed eyes from his hands. The new wave of unease that crashed over him was nauseating.

"I said sure."She smiled. Gods, why was she smiling?

This was wrong, so, so wrong. It was the fact that her smile seemed…genuine that kept him from running, or killing, or functioning at all.

"Sure?" He tested the word suspiciously, in utter disbelief. This human was willing to just let him eat her without a fight of any kind?

"You asked me to dinner didn't you?"

"Uuhm…?"

She stepped toward him, squinting into the shadowy recess he was hiding in. He tensed feeling exposed despite her inability to see him clearly. And silently he thanked whatever gods were watching over him, that humans couldn't see squat in the dark. And that meant maybe he could get out of this….

"What girl doesn't enjoy fine wind, candle light, and good food? Here hold this!" She shoved her basket at him and he dumbly took it as she kneeled to dig a pebble from out of her shoe. "Uhm…." What the-? His cousin had kindly explained in the vaguest detail possible how to respond to various threats and other possible changes in a given hunt, but this- whatever this was hadn't been covered.

"I know a really good place." After a bit of groping she took her basket back from him. Humans really were blind in the dark. "It'll be my treat." The smile was in place.

"Um!?" Gods, help me please! "I think there'sss been-"

"This will be so much fun!" Impatient with his lack of response she grabbed his wrist. "Oh wow you have strong hands. You must be a blacksmith to have calluses as hard yours!"

xXx

"There'sss been some form of…misunderstanding…woah…." He shifted uncomfortably. "Can we eat somewhere else-?" Anywhere else. He'd tried shaking the woman off and bolting on more than occasion, but she was a leech wrapped around his arm and nothing he'd said or did. He'd be the laughing stalk of every Ra'zac in Alagaesia by daybreak.

"Why would you want to eat anywhere else? This is the finest restraint in Narda."

"Umh- I" Was it the best? He didn't know. "I'm not, I'm not from around here."

"Oh. I didn't realize." She looked up at him-sort of- she was looking passed him with those hideously small eyes of hers. Humans were indeed stupid, and ugly to boot. "Well, you're going to simply adore this place."

Bewildered by her insistence, he didn't put up much fight as she pulled him up the stairs. Maybe he could lure her into an alley-or something and kill her and then eat her? That could work….

xXx

He sat stiff, back to the wall, eyes darting from one hostile or terrified face to another, and then back to the happily smiling girl sitting across from him. The air despite being warm with heat of a cooking fire and the multitude of candles burning across the room felt cold. This woman's fellow patron's didn't like him at all. None moved to attack him, though he did notice that some hands hovered over their steak knives a bit more than was necessary. Like he could kill them all? Hell, he couldn't even kill her.

And speaking of her. She was alternating between talking, sipping her wine, and looking at him. "Please forgive me for being so forward, but I have been in search of dinner company for a long while now. I fear that most men are intimidated by my wealth."

The Ra'zac frowned. He suspected they were intimidated by her lack of brains, but he wasn't going to say that to her, especially not here. Maybe when they were back outside, and he'd conceived of a way to get her in a dark secluded alley somewhere far from help he would tell her.

"And sir, I find that your hands are extraordinarily hard, and I would like if you would permit to explore your musculature further."

"What?" He choked on his spit. What was with this woman? Whatever she was drinking he desperately hoped she kept it far form him. How did she not see the danger that he was, the danger he could be if he chose? 'You're a pushover-' His cousin's voice drifted through his mind. He was going to murder the bastard if the humans surrounding him didn't kill him first.

How to avoid being killed by a bunch of humans? Maybe if he contributed to the conversation and they saw the two of them getting along he'd get out of this alive. Gods please!

"You know what I sssaid earlier?" He leaned in and whispered, eyes on their surrounding patrons. "Hmm?" She sipped her wine watching him. "I thought you looked like you tasted good."

She snorted, choking on her drink, face turning a vibrant shade of scarlet. A few of the masculine patrons nearest them shifted. Well, that plan backfired.

"Oh my! There'll be time whisper such saucy phrases in my ear later!" Her choking turned into a fit of laughter.

WHAT! He covered his face. THAT was not at all what he'd meant.

This hunt was not at all going how it was supposed to.

"But," she leaned in conspiratorially, the smile playing about her lips coy. "if you accompany me, there's plenty of dessert at my house, and I'll give you more than a taste."

No, just fucking no! He was done! He stood and bolted for the door. Let his cousins laugh at him for the rest of his life, if they wished; anything, anything to get him away from here.

He didn't stop sprinting until he couldn't breathe, until the shout of 'I have money,' and the humans were far enough away to be little more than a bad dream. He crouched at the foot of a boulder hands on his head breathing. A familiar scent caught his attention and he rose scowling in the direction of the approaching figure.

"You bastard! You-you-" He pointed a shaking talon at his cousin.

"How the Hell did you do that? You got some human to follow you around like a trained dog! That was amazing!"

"Uuhmm…."

Fin