Chapter 9: Trust, John

They sat there for a while, nursing their drinks, John not able to look Karkat in the eyes when he knew than as soon as they'd finished, they would make the trip to bed together.

Karkat finished first. John watched from the corner of his eyes as he saw him get up and put his cup in the sink, then pause, glancing uncertainly back at John. "Do you want me to go wait for you, or do you want me to stay in here?" He finally asked.

John shook his head. "I- well, I, um, think I might chicken out if you leave. I might sleep on the couch again or not get sleep at all or something." His cheeks were red with a mixture of whiskey and embarrassment.

The guardian gave him a concerned look. "John, if you don't want to do this, you don't actually have to. Plus, you just drank something that was half-whiskey, I don't want to just use you when you're drunk and have you regret it later. I don't want you to make any choices that you wouldn't when you're sober."

"First of all, Karkat," John sighed, "I actually only put just enough whiskey in for it to be noticeable. It's not that much, and I'm not really drunk. Seriously, my mind's totally clear, and you should know, because you drank it too and you're clearly in perfect control of yourself. And secondly, I know absolute consent is always really important. I'm giving you that. I mean, I may not be attracted to guys like that, but it doesn't mean I'm not willing to try it at least this once." John looked down into the contents of his cup, a little more than the last dregs, and looked back up at Karkat with a tiny smile. "I'm done, by the way."

He tensed slightly, pursing his lips as he met John's gaze. Seeing how at ease he looked, he also relaxed, though with reluctance in his eyes, and slipped his hand gently into John's. "If I can't convince you otherwise..." he mumbled, face turning a few shades darker.

"You can't." The Gifted was very matter-of-fact about it, and he leaned up a bit to timidly kiss Karkat's jaw. He had to admit that he was really, really nervous about all of this. It wasn't like he'd ever slept with a man before, or even really thought to, and he'd only slept with a woman for the first time yesterday! But he was willing to do this. He wanted to make Karkat happy, help him relax, and try the whole thing at least once. Then he'd really know if this was or wasn't the kind of thing he wanted from a relationship. Maybe he didn't really want a relationship from Karkat (he was his friend, of course!), but they could at least do this sometimes, when they just needed a break from their jobs, their busy lives.

Even though he told himself that, it didn't quite click in his mind. He couldn't bring himself to believe it, even though he didn't even know what he should be believing instead.

Buried so deeply in his thoughts, he hardly noticed Karkat gently picking him up and carrying him into the bedroom, only realizing they were they when he spotted Karkat undressing from the corner of his eyes. John felt his own face light up like a Christmas tree, even though he'd pretty much seen Karkat naked a few times before. This time was different; a certain anticipation hung in the air, making it thick and warm on John's shoulders. With clumsy fingers he began to undo his own vest, but he soon found he was getting nowhere fast.

Another pair of hands swatted his away from the squirrel hide vest, undoing the strings for him with a, "Here, let me." Karkat's brow was drawn in concentration, and John unconsciously reached out to smooth the creases with a thumb. Karkat returned the gesture with a small chirp of gratitude, then a look of embarrassment, which made the younger chuckle even as Karkat was sliding the vest hesitantly off of his shoulders, then reaching for his shirt. John lifted his arms for Karkat to pull it off, giving him the smallest of grins before his eyes darted away anxiously. John could tell, from the corner of his eye, that Karkat still wore his underwear.

When the elder's hands came to rest on his hips, thumbs hooking into his pants, John could practically feel his stomach doing acrobatics. He was nervous, and Karkat seemed to sense this, looking up at him as he leaned down to press a kiss to his stomach. "John..." His voice was incredibly soft, a tender tone that John had never heard from him before. It set his heart aflutter, embarrassingly enough. "If you're not sure about this, it's really not necessary. We can stop at any time."

"No!" John cringed at the whine in his voice, biting his lip. "No. I trust you. I may be nervous, but, Karkat..." He smiled, almost awkwardly, looking down at him. "I wouldn't do this with anyone but you, man. I mean, dude-wise. I trust you enough for this." He reached down to gently pet his hair, and tried to miss the way Karkat nuzzled into it with closed eyes for a moment, before opening them to look up at him, still uncertain. "Karkat, it's okay... I'm doing this because I want to. Um... I do have one condition though... I have to top, okay?"

Karkat went completely still, and John was scared that he'd overstepped some boundary. Then Karkat sat back and pressed his palms to his eyes, and he began quivering slightly, and John knew he'd done something wrong. He sat up, any pleasurable feelings forgotten as he rubbed Karkat's shoulder gently, shushing the older fairy. "Shh... Karkat... Karkat, are you okay? I'm sorry if I said or did something wrong... I mean, if you want to top, that's okay! Just... Please... Can you please, please tell me what's wrong? I'm worried right now, okay, this is genuine worry and I don't want to see you hurting."

A slight shake of Karkat's head and a shaky, warbling chirp were all he got in response at first, so he didn't push him. He didn't push him, just stayed there by Karkat's side, hugging him close with one arm around his shoulders, the other hand gently massaging the shoulder closest to him as he tried to get him to calm down. He felt the strange and sudden urge to shower light kisses over his face, but withheld it, not wanting him to freak out further, and feeling that would only put a damper on their relationship's status as platonic. That was really as far as he felt for Karkat, really! But they had both needed a break, and John thought this would be some kind of weird trust exercise that they could do and joke about it later in private. Instead, Karkat was crying again, and John felt massively guilty and he didn't even know why.

Finally, Karkat seemed to be calm enough to talk again, though he still refused to look at John. "John, I feel like I'm fucking taking advantage of you." And that was all he said. No explanation, no nothing, just that handful of words, leaving John confused. Taking advantage of him how? He was the one that suggested all of this, and he wasn't even a virgin any more, if that was what Karkat was worried about. But he knew that! It wasn't even a particularly important thing to most fairies!

A thick silence settled upon the two of them, and John felt like his heart had fallen straight out of his chest. Karkat... He was really unhappy about all this, wasn't he? He shouldn't have suggested it, especially right after he got the news of his dad dying... It was probably too much. He was probably just confused! Right?

"I'm going to take a shower."

Karkat got up and left with those six little words, and John sat there until he heard the shower running, then he got up and gathered his clothing, putting it with the rest of his laundry and pulling on a pair of sleeping pants. He'd have plenty of time to think all of this over later. When he'd had a full night's rest it would make more sense.

He tried to convince himself of it, but he still felt incredibly unsettled.

The next day, Karkat acted like nothing was wrong. Literally nothing. He greeted John with a roll of his eyes when he grumbled moodily in the morning when Karkat came in to wake him and said, "Come on, you have to train again today. Get your ass out of bed, asslicker."

John rolled over and gave him a sharp glare at that. "You know, maybe that name would actually be true if we had just talked out whatever the fuck you were so bothered about last night."

"Whatever, stop complaining about not getting laid," Karkat snorted. "Up with your ass and out to eat breakfast. You need to get those nutrients or what the fuck ever medifae say about that. I don't want to get in trouble for the miserable ass rag I somehow got put in charge of fainting in the middle of the godsdamned day."

The Gifted groaned and reluctantly sat up, while Karkat made his way out of the room once again, probably to the kitchen. He grumbled profanities at his guardian under his breath as he got dressed and wandered into the bathroom to brush his hair, though as always it refused to stay down, laying atop his head messily. He just wanted to know what was wrong last night! That was it! He wouldn't be so angry if Karkat would just trust him enough to tell him so they could talk it out. He didn't even care about the sex part that much.

The morning was spent in a cold silence, and though it wasn't an altogether unfamiliar scene, it was surprisingly courteous of John. John, of all fairies! He would admit that he was probably being an asshole and that he should just forgive Karkat, just as Karkat had forgiven him for whatever that other fight had been about, he couldn't even remember now.

Karkat himself made stabs at conversation, trying to be friendly, but John didn't give him much to work with. if he couldn't reply with yes or no, he didn't reply at all. He thought he actually saw genuine hurt flicker over Karkat's face, but he wasn't about to pity him! Karkat not telling him what was wrong was the entire reason he was mad in the first place. It was his own fault for being so fucking stubborn!

Finally, after a glance to the clock on the wall, Karkat sighed and stood up from his place at the table, barely having touched his food. "It's time to go. Come on, douchelord, we can't be late."

With a heavy, strained sigh, John got up to follow him, picking up his near-empty plate. If he wasn't going to tell him, then John could easily keep it up until he did.

"John, dude." Dave clapped a hand on his shoulder when lunch break came around, the Gifteds and their guardians sitting some ways away from their instructors. "That was some aggression out there, dude! You wanna tell us what's going on?"

Everyone else murmurs in agreement and looked at John in concern. He sighed and scratched the back of his neck as he tried to find a good way to put it, searching for words. "Okay, so... Nobody tell Karkat I told you any of this, alright? He's already being pissy anyway." Which wasn't true. John was the one being pissy, and he knew it, but it was hard to admit when it was truly oneself at fault. "I tried to sleep with him last night. To try to get some kind of connection or something, you know? And he was cool with it! But then I told him I had to top if we were gonna do it, and he kind of... Had a breakdown? I don't really know what happened. Well, I was trying to be chill, and I was honestly really worried, but he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. He still hasn't."

"Dude." Dave was giving him a really disbelieving look, and after that single syllable, there was a short silence.

"... Was a brother really all up and being that bad at putting his thing in my best bro?" Gamzee asked, in his usual high-off-his ass stupor, and there were a couple of involuntary snickers from the circle of friends before Dave hit Gamzee's chest lightly, a disapproving scowl on his face, for once some emotion showing through.

"Really now, John," Rose interjected. "Have you considered the fact that he doesn't wish to talk about whatever it was that caused his apparent breakdown because it is painful for him to think of, let alone talk about? Perhaps you opened an old wound with your comment? Or maybe it's something that is best left unsaid if you two are to maintain this fragile hold on friendship that you seem to have. There are many explanations as to why he wouldn't wish to disclose a simple piece of information to you."

Nepeta scooted a little closer to John from almost the opposite side of the circle. "Yeah, John! Plus, Karkitty's really sensitive! I mean, he puts on the big and tough act, but he's a real softie! And after what happened yesterday anyway, something that would've normally just made him a little upset would've probably bothered him at least twice as much. But I don't think you should try that again until you figure out what's wrong, or he makes the first move!"

There were a lot of nods, which made John scowl. All he wanted was some confirmation that Karkat was the one at fault, not everyone telling him that he himself was in the wrong. He crossed his arms with a look almost like a pout, and Dave put an arm around his shoulders and shook him a little, pulling him in closer.

"Look, John. Just apologize to him. Even I think you should, and you know I'm usually totally an advocate for your side, even when you're in the wrong. But seriously, you two just got done fighting and now you're back to it? This is crazy, man. You two used to be fucking besties when we were younger. You should go back to that. It was better for both of you."

"But we're both different now!" John cried out in distress, looking around at the circle of people he knew, friends both old and new. A circle that didn't include the friend he wanted to be there most, he realized, and it made his chest ache strangely.

"John," Kanaya began to speak carefully, "I believe that when you called Karkat, and I quote, 'pissy,' perhaps you were only telling us his perceived way of acting from your standpoint. I believe it may be you that is unwilling to let go of this little problem. It could most likely be solved with a simple apology from yourself."

"And before you say something about 'but that's not the only thing wrong!'" Jade cut across John as he opened his mouth again. "He's really not that different from when we were kids! I've been talking to him whenever I can catch him, and I can see he's a little rougher around the edges, but you can't blame him. He's been through a lot, especially because of all the discrimination his wings have gotten him! But that doesn't stop him from being the same grouchy fuckass that he was before. He still loves all of us and just wants us to be safe and happy, and that 'us' includes you, John!"

Great, now he was starting to feel really bad. He stared down at his hands in his lap,essentially twiddling his thumbs as another silence settled over them. He was pretty sure that now that everyone had had their say, they were waiting on him to say something.

John finally looked back up at them, feeling overwhelmed and defeated. "Okay, I get it. I was being a huge jerk, and I should really apologize. I'll do it as soon as I see him again, okay?" Secretly he was hoping Karkat would be there by the end of training so they could eat together again, if only because he wanted to have witnesses to his apology.

But, much to John's disappointment, he wasn't there by the end of training. He was given a pleasant surprise when he was there at their end of the table when they got into the dining room- but his heart sank to see he was already talking to someone else, someone that looked familiar, but that he couldn't quite place.

"Oh." Nepeta stopped behind him and followed his gaze to the pair. "It looks like Karkitty invited Terezi to dinner. I wonder how he got into contact with her so fast? Or maybe she was already over here for some reason?"

Terezi? The name seemed vaguely familiar, and as he got closer and could begin to make out her voice, her cackling laugh as she talked to Karkat, it clicked. She was the one at the bar with two of Karkat's other friends. She liked John, he thought he remembered her saying, and he'd though she was drunk because she licked him a few times. Karkat had told John at some point in the night that she did that to everybody all the time, anyway.

The Heir took a seat next to Karkat and glanced at him as he started to gather food onto his plate. Dave, sitting beside him, gave him an encouraging nudge, Jade a thumbs-up, along with various other gestures that he thought were supposed to make him want to talk to Karkat and apologize. He already did, though! And badly! But Karkat didn't seem to be paying attention to any of the others, all of his attention focused on Terezi. John thought that was unfair to everyone else, especially since they were all apparently waiting on his apology with baited breath. It made him want to shrink back from trying to talk to Karkat anyway.

"Hey, best motherfucking brother!" John jumped as Gamzee's voice sounded from two chairs over, and Karkat looked up with a scowl. "Our windy-bro's got something he all's gotta tell you, and all a us are waiting on that miracle to get said!"

John tried to make himself as small as possible as Karkat's scowl vanished, instead looking surprised. He looked down at John with one eyebrow raised, and the hero of breath swallowed thickly, his breathing feeling ragged. "Um- I'm sorry, Karkat. For being mad. I was invading your privacy, and if you don't want to tell me, that's your choice."

There was a moment when John was sure Karkat was going to refuse his apology, and he thought his heart was going to stop. Then a brief chuckle fell from his lips, and he shrugged. "It's fine, John. Thanks for apologizing, and apology accepted and all that shit. Are we cool now?"

Giving him a numb nod, John's heart sank as he was given a quick one-armed hug before Karkat's attention was focused back on Terezi. What... was that? He wasn't even mad in the slightest. A feeling of dread crept over him for one reason or another as a possible explanation sprang to mind. Could Karkat possibly be so happy because he was actually on a date with that Terezi right now? But not after last night, surely? And didn't she already have two boyfriends?

Wings drooping significantly, John picked at his food, sighing as the others emerged themselves in conversation, seemingly uninterested once the apology had been made. Either that, or they sensed the tension, and knew what was about to come. He listened to Terezi and Karkat talk about nothing- how their friends and relationships were (he heard some hesitation on Karkat's side with that, and confirmed that Terezi still had two boyfriends), and how training was for both of them, and how the weather was impacting the colony. They were making small talk. That was what made him decide to intervene.

"Karkat?" John asked, rather innocently. "Karkat, I really want to talk to you. I mean, if not now, later, you know? Not about what happened any more, but about other stuff. we haven't really talked about much in a while, have we?" He was practically holding his breath as he waited for Karkat to answer.

He looked only mildly irritated at the question, John noticed. He actually almost looked pleased, kind of, if you knew what you were looking for. It made relief rush throughout John's body. "Sure, John. We have time after we get back to the room. But Terezi came to see- uh, to visit me, rather, so can it fucking wait until then? Seriously, shitstain, I hardly get to see her." His tone is relaxed, casual, almost, and he actually used John's name, which he took as a definite good sign.

A grin finally appeared back on John's face, and he nodded, turning to the others to join in a conversation they were having over the values of vegetarian living versus following their omnivorous nature. It was an interesting topic, to be sure, and branched off in a different direction after a while, but John just couldn't get his mind off of Karkat. His heart wasn't in the entirely riveting conversation his friends were having, instead itching to get back to the apartment so he and Karkat could wash up and settle down and just... Talk.

When Jade and Nepeta started to dismiss themselves early, since they were the type to follow the motto "Early to bed, early to rise," John asked if he could join them. "Sure, John!" Jade gave him a big beam, showing off her pearly white teeth. "That would be fine!" Nepeta nodded in agreement, and the three of them dismissed themselves from the dining hall.

"So," Nepeta giggled once they were in the hallway, "any particular reason you're in a rush?" Her voice had a mischievous lilt to it, and paired with Jade's matching smile, it actually made John a little nervous.

Laughing quietly, eyes darting away from the girls' stares, John shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I just want to get my chance to talk to Karkat tonight? I mean, we haven't done that in a while- just talk. But, you know, you guys probably already knew that from how we've been acting, so... How are you guys, anyway?"

"We're doing great!" Jade said cheerily, a skip in her step. "I actually asked Nepeta if I could take her out on a date the next time we get a free day! So we can get to know each other a little better as partners, I guess. And my solo training is going pretty good, too! Porrim says I'm a good student, heheh. She's teaching me to increase and decrease matter, currently."

"Not to mention I get to learn all sorts of interesting things about Gifteds from your training," Nepeta chimed in. "It's kind of funny to watch you guys, because it's almost like elite training all over again, except watching you guys go through it is a lot funnier. It's also nice to see when you guys have progressed and how much you've grown in the time you've been training. Makes me kind of purroud! Oops, I mean- proud, I meant proud." She gave John an apologetic smile, shrugging her shoulders a bit, but he simply waved it off.

"No, it's cool. So you guys are completely cool with dating each other?"

Jade gave him a confused look, tilting her head and her bottom lip sticking out in almost a pout. "Why wouldn't we be, John? I mean, I think Nepeta's really awesome! She's sweet and kind, not to mention makes the best cat puns, which make me laugh even if I'm not that much of a cat person. Plus, she's definitely able to hold her own in a fight, I mean, have you seen her when she spars with Gamzee or Kanaya while we're training? War claws? Fucking awesome weapons right there! Not to mention that when I chose her as my guardian, right then and there I signed over my trust to her to protect my life."

When John looked back at Nepeta for her say, she seemed to be blushing right down to her toes. "I- well- oh. Um, well- I think Jade is really nice, and she cares so much about her friends that I can forgive her for being a dog person." She shrugged lamely, looking away. "And she's always really eager to learn new stuff. speaking of people holding their own, I can already tell that she's going to be a great woman at arms already, even if she hasn't finished training just yet. I'm really, really proud of her."

Now they were both blushing, and John was frowning, deep in thought. "I guess this is my stop," he sighed as they came to their doors, giving them a wave before slipping into the apartment. He couldn't help but think that it would be pretty nice to have a relationship with Karkat that was like that. But then again, they were aiming for love that would last them their lives, and he and Karkat were just... friends. The thought made John a little nauseous, and he didn't know why. He decided to take a shower to try to wash the feeling away.

It took approximately twenty minutes stewing in his own thoughts under the stream of hot water to realize something he didn't want to. He loved Karkat. But he still refused to let himself believe it, because he knew Karkat didn't love him, not after the way he rejected him the first time. So he didn't love Karkat, not at all, or maybe just as a friend. Yeah, just as a friend sounded good. He almost didn't trust himself to face Karkat so soon after the realization, but when he stepped out of the shower clothed in pajamas, there he was, sitting on the couch and idly reading one of the books from the room.

"Hey." He lifted his head as John came out of the bathroom, and he almost jumped out of his skin at the sound of his voice. Karkat gave him a bemused look as John plopped into the seat beside him, laughing almost nervously. "What's got you so on edge?"

"Nothing," John answered, glancing at the book he was reading. It was one of the Nic Cage series? He wondered if Karkat liked it, as those were some of his favorites. "I just wasn't expecting you to be back when I got out, you know? You were on a date or whatever with Terezi, right?"

A snort came from Karkat's side of the couch as he put his hand over his mouth. "What? Really? No, she rejected me a long time ago." He didn't sound very bitter about it, John noted. "Besides, if I started going out with her I'd also have to put up with the other two douchewads she calls her boyfriends. I don't know how she does it, each of them on their own are bad enough, not to mention they're pretty much constantly competing with each other."

"Oh man," John laughed. He couldn't help but picture them competing over Terezi herself, and could admittedly see the appeal in it if he was looking at it from her point of view. "Sounds like she's got a pretty tough job to deal with those guys! But it can't be all bad if she's still with them. How long have they all been together?"

"Well, let's see. Terezi and Sollux had this whole friends-with benefits thing going on for a while, then something happened about... Two years ago, I think? And those asses started dating each other. They were all over each other all the time after that, it was pretty gross. I have no idea how Eridan came into the picture, I just know that there was a point when everybody thought they were both cheating on each other with Eridan because they started telling people they were going out with him, too, but it turned out all three of them were fucking each other, not cheating at all."

"That's... actually kind of interesting." Polyamory was something John was familiar with, as it wasn't uncommon at all in their colony, but he hadn't ever heard the story of how a relationship like that had happened before. "Almost makes me wonder what polyamory is like. Huh." Of course, he was already unable to follow the love he did have, or refused to admit to having, even to himself, so it wasn't like that was ever going to happen.

"I don't think it would work for me," Karkat sighed, looking down at the book still open on the arm of the couch. "I'm... I get really... When I commit to someone, I commit. I tend to give them everything even if they give me nothing in return. I let people fucking walk all over me and I won't care because it's not their fault that I let myself fall in love with them."

The way Karkat said it pulled at John's heart strings. He subconciously put a hand on Karkat's arm, and he looked up at John in surprise. "Sorry," John mumbled, though he didn't move his hand, and he found himself leaning in, staring into Karkat's eyes. His own might've been fooling him, but he could swear that Karkat was leaning in too.

But before their lips could touch, the door burst open, and a familiar face strode in as John jumped away from Karkat, face burning. Oh god, was he really about to do that? "Hey best friend! What's motherfucking going on in here?"

"We were just talking, Gamzee, what the fuck are you doing here?" Karkat didn't seem flustered at all, only irate. John could understand that, since it was the first time they'd been able to talk to each other in a while, but he was almost grateful for the interruption. What if he'd gotten the chance to actually kiss Karkat and he reacted terribly? That was probably what would've happened. He said a silent thank-you to Gamzee in his mind.

"Best motherfucking friend, I came here to tell you and Eggbro we got a motherfucking day all off from Meenah a week and a couplea days from now!" Gamzee gave them a lazy grin, and Dave appeared from behind him, appearing irked.

"She came in at the tail end of dinner and told us to tell you. I don't know why he decided to bust in here tonight, though, when we could've told you tomorrow." Dave gave Gamzee a sharp nudge in the ribs with his elbow, to which the elite only chuckled.

"C'mon my little bro, ain't gotta up and treat me so bad. We can motherfucking dash now, but we couldn't have us clearing our thinkpans in our sleep and all forgetting now, could we?"

"I still don't know how you got to be an elite," John heard Dave mutter as he pulled Gamzee from the room. "Sorry, you guys, continuing your sappy bonding time or whatever."

Karkat and John exchanged a look as they left, then Karkat began to snicker softly. "Well, I'm gonna go get a shower, I guess. Sorry our talk got cut short, but I enjoyed it." He stood up and ruffled John's hair, shaking his head. "I'll make sure that we get more time to talk, though. I'll work harder in training." And then he left to take a shower, and John was left with his heart thudding in his chest.

A thought crossed his mind, unreasonable, but to the Heir of Breath, it was something he didn't dare doubt. He couldn't trust himself around Karkat any more, not with personal truths. But whatever happened, he knew now. He knew that more than anything, he could trust Karkat, and that was the truth he could rely on.

This chapter took me a while, but I say it's satisfactory. It's the longest one yet and it shows more of the other characters. Trying to improve as I go.

I've been going through some stuff, which is part of the reason I took so long getting this chapter out, but writing this made me feel better. I hope you all enjoy it too.

-Silver