Audio manuscript from Ellen C. Dedre. PsyD. August 11th, 2014. Session # 137

"Well, here we are. I would like to thank you three gentleman for coming in today. Shall we get started?"

"I don't see why I have to be here. I've done this already." - Starscream

"Oh? But my records indicate that no Decepticon has ever finished a session."

"Why dontcha tell her the real reason you never finished one, Starscream?" - Thundercracker

"Hehehe." - Skywarp

"Shut up, you!" - Starscream

"Gentleman, please. Now...am I to understand you are Starscream?"

"I'm Thundercracker." - Thundercracker

"Ah. Well it say's here, according to your seating arrangement, Starscream is on the far left."

"See that, Starscream? You messed her up already." - Thundercracker

"Excuse me?"

"He insisted on sitting in the middle." - Thundercracker

"Yeah, the prima donna felt it was more throne-like." - Skywarp

"Quiet, you clods." - Starscream

"Some megalomania, huh Doc?" - Thundercracker

"That's a big word, Thundercracker. You better take a nap after using it." - Starscream

"Gentleman, if you would just..."

"At least my nap times don't include teddy bears!" - Thundercracker

"Hahaha!" - Skywarp

"I told you not to bring that up anymore! Say it again, and face my wrath!" - Starscream

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." - Thundercracker.

"Please! No brandishing of fists. There's no need to lash out at each other. It's just a seating arrangement."

"Well it's quite natural I sit in the middle, my good Doctor." - Starscream

"Oh boy, here we go." - Skywarp

"Are you gonna spout off about how it's your rightful place of leadership again?" Thundercracker

"Nooooo. It's because back at base I'm usually surrounded by stupid!" - Starscream

"Hey, fuck you man!" - Thundercracker

"Yeah, who are you talking to anyway?" - Skywarp

"I'm talking to you, you dolt." - Starscream

"Excuse me, Skywarp? Are you Skywarp?"

"Yeah, that's me." - Skywarp

"Yes Doctor, he's the Decepticon we had to spray paint his name on his chest so he wouldn't forget it." - Starscream

"I remember that." - Thundercracker

"Hey!" - Skywarp

"And then he went around asking everybody who is prawyks?"- Starscream

"Knock it off! That was when Prime punched me in the head, remember?" - Skywarp

"Prime must have punched you in the head a lot." - Starscream

"Haha!" - Thundercracker

"Why you no good..." - Skywarp

"Gentleman, please! I simply need you to take your proper seats according to your color schemes. Then we can get started. I was supposed to address Starscream in the far left chair as my first priority."

"Priority? First priority?" - Starscream

"Yes."

"...get out of my seat, Thundercracker!" - Starscream

"Oh for cryin' out loud." - Thundercracker

"Come on, chop chop! You heard her! Get in your proper seats, you fools." - Starscream

"If this is by color scheme maybe she should check for the one that's piss yellow!" - Thundercracker

"Hehehe." - Skywarp

"Shut up! Sit down now and pay attention. I'm going first." - Starscream

"Are we retreating again?" - Thundercracker

"What's that supposed to mean?" - Starscream

"You're usually the first to do that, too." - Thundercracker

"Hahaha!" - Skywarp

*sounds of a scuffle*

"Gentleman! Will you please just sit down! No pushing! Please don't damage my office!"

"You heard her, Starscream. Get off me!" - Thundercracker

"I'll deal with you later." - Starscream

*sounds of the three Decepticons re-arranging themselves*

"There. That's better. That wasn't so hard, was it?"

"Thundercracker ripped the carpet, not me." - Starscream

"Oh dear."

"What's carpet?" - Skywarp

"This stuff. See?" - Thundercracker

*massive tearing sound*

"Oh no! Stop that! What are you doing!?"

"You moron! Now look what you've done! Put that down. We had orders not to damage this one!" - Starscream

"Excuse me!?"

*Starscream clearing his throat*

"It's like this, Doctor. We received a memo stating your institution felt the Decepticons might respond, shall we say, more cordially to the presence of a female doctor than a male one." - Starscream

"Oh. Oh yes. I have that memo right here. In fact that's a good place to start from. Thank you, Starscream."

"Suck up." - Thundercracker

"Ripping up carpet is a good place to start? Can I try it?" - Skywarp

*sigh* "No, you nitwit. She wants to start our interview!" - Starscream

"Oh. Well, whatever it is, I didn't do it!" - Skywarp

"Actually Starscream, it's a session. A therapy session. My colleagues and I thought this would be a wonderful opportunity to study the unique situation among the Decepticons."

"Sorry about the carpet, Doc." - Thundercracker

"That's quite all right, Thundercracker."

"And what situation would that be?" - Starscream

"Hmm? Oh...how you would all respond to the presence of a female. Since there doesn't appear to be any Decepticon females."

*prolonged silence from all three Decepticons*

"You're here to study us for that?" - Starscream

"I thought it was because we wouldn't kill you when we're finished. Megatron's been bitching' about replacement expenses." - Thundercracker

"What's a female?" - Skywarp

"Oh my."

"A woman. A she. A broad. The fairer sex. The pretty frillies, you know?...sleek...sexy. With real fine lines and...and high heels with a tight caboose. The kind of rear chassis you could burn your hand on. Oh man, what an energon spike!" - Thundercracker

"Thundercracker?" - Starscream

"And, and...and they're strange and sensitive. And sassy. And tough. And they have great legs and kick real high. And hips! They do this walk that could make you blow a gasket!" - Thundercracker

"Thundercracker!" - Starscream

"And they smell so nice. Delicate. Deadly...and wicked! You know some of them can bite? Yow! And on their chests they have these two fantastic..." - Thundercracker

"Thundercracker! Control yourself!" - Starscream

"You're frightening the human, dude." - Skywarp

"Take a cold shower, already!" - Starscream

"And you're kinda scaring me too." - Skywarp

"Huh? What? Oh...sorry, Doc." - Thundercracker

"Th-that's all right, Thundercracker. We're here to discuss such view points."

"Way to go, you idiot. Look how nervous she is now! You always were a clod around the ladies. She should study that!" - Starscream

"Look who's talkin'!" - Thundercracker

"Yeah? Why don't we tell her what your name really means. You back-firing moron." - Starscream

"Heheheee." - Skywarp

"Shut up, Starscream!" - Thundercracker

"How about this one, Doctor? When we were younger we went on a double date one time and the first thing Thundercracker says to his girl is 'Hey baby, pull my finger'. Unbelievable!" - Starscream

"Hey Doc, ya wanna know why they call him Starscream!? Cause he shouts his own name during sex!" - Thundercracker

"So what!?" - Starscream

"Haw haw haw!" - Skywarp

"What are you laughing at, Prawkys? All you ever took on a date was your right hand!" - Starscream

"Stop calling me that!" - Skywarp

"Oh my goodness! Gentleman! Please! We...we have much to go over and I must ask you to be a little patient. Let's all take a moment to calm down. Please!"

*eight seconds of silence*

"At least I didn't show my date a necklace of Autobot ears." - Thundercracker

"She said liked it!" - Starscream

"Ok, ok! Look, now that we're all seated properly we can continue with the session? This has all been rather revealing so far. In fact...Thundercracker? Perhaps you can explain that while you seem to be familiar with females, there doesn't appear to be any in attendance now."

"Well, word around the campfire is they were all lost in an Autobot ambush. That was some time ago." - Thundercracker

*Starscream scoffs*

"Starscream, do you have something you wish to add?"

"My dear Doctor...the matter of Decepticon females is...complicated." - Starscream

"But surely just because there doesn't appear to be any females, that doesn't mean that there isn't any."

"Truuue. But you could also say that there hasn't been any. And that may be the reason there aren'tany now." - Starscream

"Excuse me?"

*nervous chuckle from Starscream*

"What? What are you gettin' at?" - Thundercracker

"Yeah, what's going on?" - Skywarp

"Uhhehe." - Starscream

"Come on, spill the beans already." - Thundercracker

"What are you hiding?" - Skywarp

"Well...it's like this. Megatron felt the females would provide a distraction. He wanted to insure his warriors would pay attention to the war. So the females were...removed from the equation." - Starscream

*stunned silence*

"Well it WORKED! Where are they!? What happened to them?" - Thundercracker

"Yeah!" - Skywarp

"Shut up, Skywarp! You wouldn't even know what one looked like!" - Starscream

"Fighting a war for four million years will do that to a guy!" - Skywarp

"Let's have it all, Starscream. Tell us everything!" - Thundercracker

"Gentleman, please. Continue, Starscream. Did the Decepticon's send them away? Banish them perhaps?"

"Not exactly." - Starscream

"Please, go on."

"All right, fine. Skywarp. Do you remember that Decepticon we tossed into the slag pits on Anterus Three? The one wrapped in the tarp?" - Starscream

"The one with the odd protrusions on his chest?" - Skywarp

That wasn't his chest you fool, it was her chest." - Starscream

"What!?" - Skywarp

"Are you saying the Decepticons eliminated their female counter-parts?"

"We did!?" - Skywarp

"I wouldn't put it that way. How about...dismissed aggressively!" - Starscream

"Hold on a second...are you telling me Megatron had his own little piece of tail on Anterus Three?" - Thundercracker

"What happened to her, Starscream? Please tell me."

"Well, my good Doctor, you never make Megatron sleep on the couch after a night out 'with the boys'. Especially when he was out buying a new fusion cannon. Ahahaha!" - Starscream

"Oh my God! He shot her?!"

"Only once. It was quite a successful test." - Starscream

"Where ya goin' Doc? Is she supposed to run out of here like that?" - Thundercracker

"So those were boobs, right?" - Skywarp

"Gawd, you're an idiot!" - Starscream

"Hey Doc, bring a teddy bear with ya when ya come back, huh?" - Thundercracker

"I warned you about that, you putrid traitor!" - Starscream

*sound of the office being destroyed, blaster fire, tape abruptly ends*

Auditor : Prowl. Claim number 47A-19. Payment pending.

To be continued...

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