This is the result of a bit of a challenge I made to myself. One hour to put a story to paper or computer as it were and only the barest editing to make it readable afterward. It's just a crackfic, but like all crack it's good fun. I plan to post the rest of the chapters in a similar challenge format. Cheers.

/o.O.o\

"It was cold that day. I remember the barest wisp of a cloud my breath would make for an instant in the air. The cold had driven us all inside and it led me here , to this broken down classroom with only a scarred oaken desk and a chair to fill it. It had more though. It was barely tangible but the room held a sort of faint promise to the future. "

"You know I can hear every word you are saying, right?" Hermione interrupted me, standing in the entrance to the classroom I had claimed as my office. The sign Private Eye Potter hung lazily from the doorknob, rocking back and forth from the motion of being opened.

"You know, it's common courtesy not to interrupt a soliloquy in progress. How would you like it if I went around interrupting you all the time?" I replied.

"First of all when Shakespeare does it, it is a soliloquy. When you do it, it's just talking to yourself. And secondly you do interrupt me all the time."

I stared down the girl who dared interrupt my important activities. Frizzy brown hair that framed her worried face and legs that went for miles. She was a dame in need alright and I always help a dame in need.

"Can you go back to the talking to yourself?" she asked, slowly. "Somehow it's less creepy than you just sitting there doing it in your head."

I snapped out of my thoughts and focused on the matter at hand. "Well now what can I do for you Miss…"

"Harry, we've been best friends for 5 years now. You know my name."

"Can I call you 'Harry, we've' for short that's kind of a long name. Is it Scottish. I've heard the Scots have long names."

"As long as you don't call me Hermy I don't care what you call me."

I considered the deal at great length. For some it would seem an amazing bargain, but I knew it was a trap. There was only one response.

"No dice," I said. "I reserve the right to call you Hermy at any time."

"Harry," she said slowly, chocolate brown eyes filled with the milk of human kindness. "If you call me Hermy I will hit you with a shovel." The milk soured apparently.

"Do you mean like a trowel or a spade, " I asked "because that may influence the deal."

"No, it will be the shovel Hagrid used to scrape Fluffy's leavings from the third floor corridor," she sneered.

"Now I may not be book smart, or street smart, or magazine smart, or butter label smart, but I knew when a dame was acting scared. The only question is what it could be that would cause the shrewd, transcendently beautiful Hermione to act in such a way," I said aloud.

"Harry, you're not going to get out of this with cheap flattery," she growled out. I saw her resolve waiver and pounced.

"Hermione." I took her hand in mine and gazed soulfully into her eyes. "I would never attempt cheap flattery. I speak only the truth as I, and the world, sees it."

"Well-"

"Now come on, my faithful partner." I stood up quickly and bounded away from the desk a light pep to my step. "I smell a mystery."

/o.O.o\

After reminding me of exactly the type of behavior I am allowed and not allowed to use as a respectable hero of the wizarding world, Hermione accompanied me to the scene of the mystery. What some people know as the Gryffindor common room. Or as I called it, well the Gryffindor common room I suppose.

"The source of the mystery was a young first year by the name of Abigail, or Abbey as she preferred to be known. She was a shy sort with long hair that I hadn't really-"

"Stop talking to yourself," Hermione interrupted. "Now Abbey, Harry isn't really the insane person the paper tends to make him out to be."

"Are you sure?" Abbey asked, eyeing me with distrust. "I mean he was just talking to himself like he didn't even know we were here."

"I'll have you know I have an impeccable history with solving mysteries," I said. "I figured out who was trying to steal the Philosopher's Stone."

"You thought it was Snape until Quirrel literally told you it was him," Hermione muttered.

"I solved the case of the chamber of secrets," I tried again.

"Hermione was the one to figure it out. You just hissed at a sink," Ron pointed out from his spot playing chess with Seamus by the fire.

"I found out who put my name into the Triwizard Cup," I countered triumphantly.

"Didn't he have you captured in his office and reveal his plan before you actually did any figuring," Hermione asked.

"Well," I began, trying to figure out another example of my super sleuthing when it hit me. "I unraveled the mystery of who took Neville's candy!"

"That was you who took the candy in the first place," Seamus commented from his losing position in said chess game against Ron.

"Wait you did what?" Neville and Hermione both said at the same time.

"Yeah he said Neville was looking a bit pudgy and it would help the lad out if we helped ourselves to a bit of his candy." Seamus explained.

"Oh right." I turned back to Abbey. "The point is mysterys tend to get solved when they happen around me so let's hear it what happened."

"Well it's my bear, Barry. He went missing last night. I had him with me when I went to bed and when I woke up he was gone." She sniffled miserably and her eyes shone with tears. "I don't know what to do. I've had him ever since I was five."

"Don't you worry, Abbey. I will crack the case of who took your bear or my name isn't Harry Potter."

"It's not," Hermione said, absently.

"What do you mean it's not?" I asked "I think I know my own name."

"Your legal name is Harold Potter. Harry is just the short form."

I stared at her dully "Huh. Learn something new every day."

/o.O.o\

"Alright, Malfoy. Where is it?" I slammed aforementioned blonde against the cold stone wall, taking care not to knock his head against it. Concussions tend to make information gathering difficult, believe me.

"Where is what?" he squeaked out.

"You know what it is. Where is Barry?"

"Harry, I'm pretty sure this is against the rules," Hermione commented from her perch atop Crabbe, and Goyle's knocked out forms.

"There's actually a rule against strong arm intimidation?" I turned and asked.

"Well not specifically," she said after a moment's thought. "It's more of an implied frowning upon really.

"Perfect." I turned back to the ferret. "Now that we've gotten the legalese out of the way. Where is Barry?" I roared slamming him against the wall again for good measure.

"I don't know. I swear I don't know. Please don't hurt me," he whimpered out. I started to feel kind of bad about what I was doing. He sort of reminded me of the 1st year that sent me on this quest to begin with. Same high cheekbone, same octave of voice, same-

"Damnit, Malfoy. Stopping peeing right now," I ordered all thoughts of mercy forgotten.

"Harry, I think if had taken the bear he would have said something by now." Hermione absently restunned the slowly coming round Crabbe.

"Yeah you're probably right," I agreed. "Have you heard anything at all about a bear?" I asked Malfoy.

"What?"

"Have you heard anything about a bear?" I roared. "Have. You. Heard. Anything!"

"Yes! Snape," he managed to squeak out.

"Snape?"

"He, he was talking about a bear I heard him."

"And so the plot thickens," I muttered. This made perfect sense. Professor Snape obviously hated the bond between a girl and her bear and the jealous rage drove him to the darkest depths of depravity. Such a fiendish crime only one as evil as he was capable of.

"I really don't think Professor Snape would steal a first year girl's bear, Harry," Hermione said, nose buried in a book.

"You never think he's guilty of anything," I pouted. I mean replied.

"He never is guilty of anything," she pointed out.

"That just means we have to go deeper."

"I swear to God I will never allow you to watch another movie again," Hermione sighed into her hands.

Note to self, ask Madame Pomphrey to take a look. Hermione has been doing that a lot lately.