Largely thanks to Ruth Baulding's 'A Personal Matter' I bring to you my third edition in the "Ahsoka-emotional-stories" so to speak, enjoy, and review at will.

How Far Have We Fallen

She is numb. Not just her wrists where the cuffs have bitten into her gloves and cut off the blood flow, no she is numb inside. She has just been knighted, a feat which at her age was not achieved by any Jedi in history, not even her Master. She should feel pride, a sense of accomplishment, a sense of triumph, but she does not feel any of those. Instead she feels hollow, her world has just come crashing down around her montrals, and she fears she has not a friend in the galaxy.

How can she, the very Order she served cast her out. And for what? To please a half-corrupt Senate? …For political expediency? …So that the Order would not be seen as bias? What is worse, bias or betrayal? Of the very crime of which she has been accused the Order stands guilty. And no one will rectify this mistake… this injustice… this inequity. The High Council, guardians and guides of the Order, they themselves condone this… nay, perform this.

In a way she understands the Separatists now. She understands the ancient Jedi of millennia gone by. Was it not Revan who had his whole identity wiped for the purpose of winning a war? A war that if lost might have changed the Jedi for the better…. Was it not Meetra Surik, who alone returned from war, only to be exiled and forsaken by those she once believed in?

In a way, she feels like that legend of old. She has fought in the bloodiest conflict in nearly a millennium, just like the Exile. Her connection to the Force was not severed from trauma, but she has withdrawn into herself too far to feel the ephemeral currents of Light. She too returned to the Jedi – though not willingly – and what does she get in return? A censure… a dismissal… an Exile….

As she is about to leave her Master – her dearest friend – behind… as she is about to set foot outside the Temple Court for the last time… as her home looms behind her, she turns back, memorising every detail. The tall edifice… the silent statues, monuments to Jedi long gone, noble and stern guardians light… the many windows, windows out of which she once gazed. The figure of her Master catches her eyes, he is as usual, garbed in black, a saber on his belt, her silka bead brain held reverently. She sees the sadness on his face. she feels it in the Force around him. She feels it through their un-severed bond. She loathes to leave him so, when he has done her no wrong… when he has stood by her ever since that fateful meeting on Christophsis… when he has taught her all she knows and more…. Still, she must, he has a future with the Order despite his marriage. He has a family in his wife, in his Master…. She has no one. Only a father for whom she has the highest respect, holds in the highest reverence.

He raises a hand in solute, an ancient gesture, an acknowledgement from one Knight to another. The Council has forgotten it, lost it in the mires of politics, bureaucracy and self-conceit… just like they have lost their way. It is not taught in any class, and hidden deep in records left unopened for many centuries. Still, this tradition persists, passed down from Master to Apprentice. Yoda knew it, he passed it on to Dooku. Dooku taught it to his Padawan, who in turn taught it to his own. Through the lineage of great Jedi, N'Kata Del Gormo, Yoda, Dooku, Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker, and now her, many traditions persist. For instance, a heretical code…. She resites it now,

"Through emotion there is peace,
And knowledge tempered by ignorance is.

Passions set aside for calm;
From the chaos, order come.
Wisdom earned through life and friends,
A Knight's journey never ends.
The Force's Will you will uphold,
And the Light you will behold.
Staunchly centred in what's right;
That's the Jedi's path and might.
And with you the Force remains,
Through your triumphs, hurts and pains."

It is an apt mantra for this occasion, it suits her perfectly. She returns her former Master's solute and turns to go. Darkness tries to encroach on her resolve, its voice whispers menacingly, "They have betrayed you! They have forsaken you! You deserve better than this! Kill them … kill them all!" She agrees; they have betrayed and forsaken her. She agrees; she deserves better. But not this way, how would she be any different from people like them? …Like Dooku? …Like Barriss?

The mention of her onetime friend stirs up emotions not dealt with, wounds not even beginning to heal. The Darkness tries to swallow her up… to consume her for its purposes… She is tempted to accede, why should she take the high road if she is alone? …If no one cares?

"NO!" she shouts mentally, she summons up the light within her, a gift besides life granted by the Daughter. A gold nimbus briefly flickers around her, dispelling the Darkness. Her inner eye sees a vision, Chancellor Palpatine pacing in his office and scowling. Displeasure rolls of the Sith in waves. Wait Sith? Where does that thought come from? She does not know. She however knows that he is displeased with her exoneration; he wanted her to take the fall. Why? She has served the Republic faithfully… risked life and limb for its cause! …And what connection does he have to that … that traitor!

She has a hard time accepting that her second best friend, the gentle and quiet healer, Barriss, would do such a thing. She has saved the Mirilian two occasions already… why would she do that, especially to her? Betrayal tastes bitter, and she does not want to taste it. Her life as a Jedi is over, yes people care for her, Anakin, Padmé, Master Sinube, even Yoda – albeit secretly, but she cannot trust them, not fully in the least. Her aimless wanderings take her to the Works, a veritable hive of scum and villainy. She cares not; she needs solitude.

She is so absorbed in her thoughts, that she does not notice the dark robed figure standing frozen in place before her. She collides with the person and they fall down an incline. They come to rest some ten meters down a garbage heap, battered and bruised. The former Padawan rolls off the person she stumbled into, but her apology dies on her lips. It is Master Luminara Unduli.

This does not in itself cause her the shock, every youngling has run into a Master at some time or another. No, what makes her shudder, her montrals to ring, and her stomach to empty itself is the other woman's appearance. She is a Mirilian, just like her fallen apprentice. She is speechless as the Master rights herself absently. Belatedly she remembers that she should apologize, but the words stick in her throat and refuse to come out. She fears recrimination for her disrespect, but the other woman has suffered a loss equal to her own or even greater.

No censure follows, the Master just looks at her sadly and understandingly. That is hard for her to take. She can take the coldness of the Council, the anger and protectiveness of her former Master, but not understanding, not pity.… "It's okay Ahsoka," the Mirilian croaks out, her own voice full of emotion. This is the last straw for the Padawan.

No matter that she is … was a Jedi, no matter that she has been trained to forego emotions, she is still a very young, sixteen standard year old girl. A sixteen standard year old girl who was framed for several counts of murder, sedition, treason and worse… A sixteen year old girl who had to run from her friends – people who were like family to her – who were family… A sixteen year old girl who was seemingly betrayed by an ally, fought a taxing duel and received a full stun blast to the head, all in a matter of days… She was a sixteen year old girl who was expelled from the only home she knew, was sent to a prison, stood trial for a crime she did not commit, had her life hang in the balance, in the hands of decidedly villainous persons, and was betrayed by a dear friend… War she could take, bodies, blood, risk to herself, but this was emotional stress as much as physical…. She cannot maintain her stoic composure… she breaks down.

There is no bawling, no eye rubbing, no excessive self-pity, just silent tears and ragged sobs escaping when she cannot hold them back. The Jedi Master moves to sit beside her, infolding her in a protective embrace. They sit there for what seems like hours, seeking comfort from one another… seeking strength….

This is how Obi-Wan Kenobi finds them, sheltered from the rain by Luminara's cloak. He sits down beside them, face lined in concern. His fellow Master acknowledges his presence with a barely perceptible eye movement, but the Padawan has passed out. In this scene Obi-Wan sees caring, sees gentleness, sees peace. It is as the Old Code says, 'Through emotion there is peace…' He regrets that it took him this long to understand, that he could not have worked differently with his own apprentice, maybe then he would be less full of anger and reckless abandon. Still, there is no use dwelling on what might have been. He has learned this lesson well with his own Master's death.

He sits by, letting Luminara have her motherly moment, not wanting to interrupt such a solemn event. Night falls on the Galactic capital before the Mirilian speaks. She does not address him directly, she speaks as if to the air. "Did you know I first met her on the Tranquillity, when Ventress came to break out the Trade Federation viceroy? She was disrespectful, snippy, did not follow my orders, in short, everything Barriss wasn't, and, even then, she felt more like a daughter to me than my own Padawan. I tried to tell myself that such a thing was wrong, by my apprentice as well as the Code," she gives a bitter and derisive laugh, "look where that has gotten us! Where it has gotten her! She is a child, Obi-Wan, a mere child! And how does the Council treat her? …How far have we fallen…. How far…." Obi-Wan has nothing to say, he is struggling with his own bitterness against the Council. They had elected him for his wisdom, for his reasoning skills, and what do they do, cast aside one for their convenience! Were it not be for his sense duty to the principals upon which the Order was founded, and were it not for his obligation to serve the light and uphold justice, he would leave the Order now too. Anakin would come with him, and many more would follow, but that is exactly the reason he cannot. The Order, even such as it is, must not fracture in this time of adversity.

His companion seems to be of a similar mindset, "I have half a mind to leave now, take her to Mirial, raise her to be as honest and honourable as I can, I might even save her the troubles she is bound to face. But I cannot… the Order needs decent beings more and more… If half of us are no better than the senate, the other half must strive to be all the more the examples of virtue, justice, of what it means to be a Jedi." She sighs heavily and raps the Padawan in her robe. "Take her," she urges Obi-Wan, "Take her somewhere where she can live in peace… at least for now. Take her to Thracia, and give her this…" she presses a small bundle into Obi-wan's hand, brushes her fingers against the Padawan's forehead, then she stands and melts soundlessly into the night.

Obi-Wan sighs deeply, he wishes events have played out differently, though not for long. He tucks the bundle into his robe sleeve, he knows what is inside, and he hole heartily agrees. He picks the miserable looking Togruta in his arms and bears her away… away to friends.

It is dark at the abandoned spaceport, no lights illuminate the ruins. Beneath an overhang stands Padmé Amidala saying farewell to the off-world members of Club Tano. As he reaches her his burden begins to wake. She struggles only a little; a natural response after so many years of war. When she spots his face, she smiles kindly but still sadly, that will not go away for a long time.

"Master Obi-Wan?" she inquires quietly, not at all certain of the exact situation, though knowing full well that she is safe with him. He was ever kind to her, like an uncle, a dear uncle. They had served together on numerous missions, Christophsis, Geonosis, Mortis, the Citadel… She knows that he is one of the more approachable members of the High Council. She can trust him… she does trust him.

"Hush young one…. Master Luminara wanted you to have this…" he sets her down and hands her the bundle. She accepts it, nods, and tucks it away. "It would be best if you left the Core…" he intones gently, "…at least for now." He guides her trembling form to the gathering where Padmé, Gial, Chewbacca and Bo are conversing.

The senator infolds her long-time friend in an embrace and whispers words of encouragement and comfort into the younger woman's head. The goodbye is tearful, and emotions swirl unchecked through the Force. The parting is hard, but it must be done. She must find her own way, come to terms at her own pace, not pressured by duty and obligation, and her decidedly overbearing master.

Then steps up Ackbar, he has served with the Padawan during the Water War on his home world. He holds out a flippered hand and rasps out in his gravelly voice, "Be well commander… may the currents speed you on your journey…."

Next is Riyo, the blue-skinned Senator has a strong friendship with the Togruta going back to the kidnapping of the chairman's daughters and even further into the past. They have shared many a cup of tea discussing the war and politics alike. After a hug, and a promise that Pantora will always be open to her friend she steps back.

The Jedi younglings from the Gathering come up, each with a fond farewell and hopes to see her soon. They are still young and naïve; they don't understand that she can't. They are joined by the two Padawans from Wasskah, Jinx and O'Mer. The Cerean and Twi'lek owe their lives to Ahsoka, and seek to repay that debt, but she just smiles and feebly shakes her head.

The farewell with the Onderonians is not the hardest, though it is the most awkward. In the end they shake hands while Saw offers the service of the militia if she ever needs it. Lux blushes, and mumbles that she will always have a refuge on Onderon. Ahsoka is perplexed by his sudden retreat, but thinks nothing of it. She is too weary to think…

Obi-Wan leads her to a figure in Mandalorian armour. Ahsoka is alarmed, but she is so fatigued that even had she wanted to act, she would not have been able to. Obi-Wan stops and gently introduces the women. "Bo-Katan Kryze, meet Former Knight Ahsoka Tano." Recognition flickers in the eyes of the two former adversaries, but Bo-Katan has long let go of her grudge. She respects the Padawan now. Respects her as a warrior, and as a friend of her sister's. She will honour Satine's memory, and honour the Jedi's silent request….

The Mandalorian wraps an arm around the Padawan just before she would have collapsed and begins leading her into the Kom'rk-class transport. Obi-Wan gives a farewell solute and a brief good-bye speech. "Ret'urcye mhi… Take care of her Katan, and of yourself…" almost as an afterthought he produces a lightsaber from his sleeve. "And give this to her, it was Adi Gallia's…." He steps back, allowing the Wookiee to come up the ramp and ceil it. Soon the repulsorlifts begin to cycle and the ship lifts off into the night sky.

It, and it's three passengers, are bound for Kashyyyk, and eventually to Kalevala, the home world of Clan Kryze. There Thracia Cho Leem will await the hapless Padawan, and attempt to let her recuperate. For now it is time for him to go back to his duty… to the Jedi… to the war….

Drifting in the Netherlands of the Force is a great teacher, a great Jedi… He is Qui-Gon Jinn, and he has discovered the secret to immortality, the first in many millennia. His heart aches at the distress of his Padawans, and at the anguish from the little one, the Togruta. He is saddened to see how far the Order has fallen, how far they are willing to go, and for what?

It is no difficulty to penetrate the Padawan's dreams; they are of horror, of every atrocity she has witnessed in her young life. With a wave of his ethereal hand he brushes them away, allowing the Force's light to wash over her. He sees her essence, and remarks that it is purer than what would have been expected, but of course, the Light itself burns in her vanes. "Rest Child," he encourages, "It will be all right…."

Fin.