"Unicron! Answer me!" Galvatron roared.

*groan*

"See this?! The Matrix! I now possess that which you most fear!"

"Go away."

*hiccup*

"What?! You'll do my bidding! Or face my wrath!" The insane leader of the Decepticons snarled, struggling to yank open the matrix.

With a deep sigh, Unicron slowly unfolded, his massive transformation taking a full minute as his gigantic demi-god form unveiled itself. Galvatron gaped in mute horror as the true nature of Unicron revealed itself to him.

At any moment he expected to be scooped up and ground into slag by the great claws that could rend apart whole planets.

Instead the nemesis of Primus grabbed his stomach and doubled over slightly. He groaned so loudly, that earthquakes rumbled across Cybertron. The galaxy itself seemed to tremble, and all the Transformers paused to look to the sky, wondering what was coming next.

*hiccup*

"Fuck me. I shouldn't have ate that last moon." Unicron groaned, clutching his gut and slipping out his hip flask with his free hand. He took a long pull as Galvatron looked on, dumbstruck.

"Ahhh!" He backed off, smacking his lips. "That'll put the fire out."

Galvatron stood on his chest like an ant, perplexed and staring up at his erstwhile creator.

"What...what are you doing?" he stammered.

Unicron didn't bother to answer, he just bodily shoved Cybertron aside and sat down to lean against it wearily on one elbow. He dropped his cheek into his hand.

*hiccup*

"You know...devouring worlds isn't all it's cracked up to be. They burn going down and they burn coming out. Worse than Taco Bell." He vurped a little and then belched so loudly that Galvatron was bodily flung a hundred yards further down his chest.

Galvatron scrambled to his feet, looking down at Cybertron and noticing Shockwave standing there looking up at him, shrugging hopelessly. Enraged, he rounded on Unicron.

"Stop leaning on my planet!"

"Keep it down will ya?"

Unicron started massaging his temples with one hand, grimacing at the bright lights of a hundred Decepticon warriors uselessly attacking his elbow.

"Are you...are you hung over?!" Galvatron wailed, as the massive demi-god looked around, bored and in slight stupor. He noted the lines under Unicron's eyes and the steel stubble across his massive chin.

"You would be too if you drank what I did last night. Whew!" Unicron rubbed a hand over his face.

"But...technically no, I am not hung over because I haven't stopped drinking yet." and he tipped back his flask.

"I...I don't believe this!" Galvatron stammered.

"We are at the pinnacle of a moment of destiny and you went on a bender?!"

Unicron lowered his drink and waved a hand dismissively in the air.

"Me, Galactus, Odin. A few other cosmic powers. I swear to Gawd, that mead they serve in Valhalla tastes like it's distilled through a dead camel's ass."

"This is impossible!" Galvatron raged.

Unicron just stared down at Galvatron with blood shot eyes, still leaning against his hand.

"My mouth tastes like a baby diaper."

"You're still drunk?!"

"A used one."

With a roar of fury Galvatron raised his cannon and blasted great beams of plasma fire into Unicron's face, shots capable of immolating whole cities.

Unicron just raised his hand up and brushed them off.

"Come on, come on, knock it off. You sound like you're a in a hurry to have your planet destroyed. I'll get to it! Keep your panties on."

And he belched again.

Galvatron frothed at the mouth, readying for another blast.

Unicron held up a warning finger.

"You might wanna re-think that. Urp! There's seven bowls of Thor's special chili in there somewhere. Putting a match to that is that last thing you should do."

Galvatron stomped his foot in a fit of impotent rage.

"This wasn't in the script!" He screamed.

"Be thankful it's not coming out the other end. How do you think nebula's are formed? Har har!"And he reached over and set his flask down in the middle of the Decepticon capital.

He glanced over at the Decepticons, rallying for another attack against his massive elbow. And then remembering himself, he took his flask back up and slowly raised his arm up, watching several flattened Decepticons rain back to the planet in a litter of broken buildings and coffee shops.

"Whoooops." but then he eyed Shockwave peeking out from behind a building.

"What the fuck's your problem, Cyclops? Should I have used a coaster?"and he banged his flask down on a building which crumbled to the ground.

Galvatron screamed with rage.

"Stop that! You're really asking for it, asshole! I've got the mother of all hangover cures right here!" and he shook the Matrix by it's heavy chain around his neck.

"Is that so?" Unicron replied, turning back to him and weaving slightly.

"Well go ahead. Open it."

"I shall!" Galvatron screeched and grasping the round case of the Matrix again, he exerted his formidable strength, pistons popping and hydraulics hissing.

Unicron sneered at him.

"You better quit now before you pop something."

"Fuck you!" Galvatron roared at him in fury, snapping his arm back up and blasting a hole clean through the bottom of Unicron's flask as he made to take another drink.

Shocked, Unicron looked down at his hand, watching his drink swirl away.

"Why, you little fucker! That's alcohol abuse!" he roared, reaching down and plucking Galvatron off his chest.

By the chain.

The leader of the Decepticon's swung by his neck, gagging and clawing at the chain with both hands as Unicron dangled him in the open.

"You wanna play hard ball, huh? Well you know what? Since the creation of time, you little maggots have always threatened me with your little blue flashlight. I tell ya it gets pretty old." He reached out and took hold of Galvatron, then snapped the Matrix free of it's chain between two massive fingers.

"Give that back!" Galvatron rasped.

"What? This? You want this?" Unicron rolled it back and forth between his fingers before suddenly crushing it with a pinch.

PTINK!

The matrix flashed and popped like a cheap Christmas light. Galvatron's mouth fell open.

"Well don't look so fuckin' surprised. What did you expect me to do? Swallow it like an aspirin? That would be a brilliant idea, wouldn't it?" (rimshot)

"You... you crushed the Matrix!" Even Galvatron was appalled.

"You want it? Go get it!" and bending his two fingers, Unicron flicked it at Cybertron, where it rocketed down like a meteor, demolishing another building. Decepticons warriors ran in all directions.

"Quit running around you fools! Somebody pick that up!" Galvatron cried.

"You and your 'pinnacle of destiny'." Unicron went on.

"Who'd ya pick that up from? Optimus Prude?" he snarled, slowly clambering back to his feet and about to show Galvatron what the galaxy feared most.

A 'mean drunk' Unicron.

"Speaking of destiny, where's Primus? Hmm? I don't see him anywhere out here. Is he hiding inside Cybertron somewhere? Is that it?"

And he banged on Cybertron with his fist.

"Knock knock! Who's there? Primus! Primus who? Exactly!"

He reeled around until he was stranding directly behind Cybertron.

"What's a fella gotta do? Shake this thing like a magic eight ball?" And still clutching Galvatron in his fist, he gripped Cybertron with his arms and shook the whole world.

"Just like Primus! It says check back tomorrow!"

"Release meeee!" Galvatron screamed.

"Or what?" Unicron raised him up. "You'll poop in my hand like a hamster?" he belched again and then he reared down to snap free a particular long and slender skyscraper.

Stumbling drunk, he slammed Galvatron down into the ground with his fist and reeled back with his building, taking a two handed grip.

"Lemme see here, I think this calls for a nine iron." And he lined up a chip-shot with the skyscraper as Galvatron wailed and strained to break free.

With a mighty swing, Unicron hauled off a golf shot that tore a great divot out of Cybertron.

"Whoops!" he cried. And he swung again and again, demolishing entire cities as he drunkenly flailed away.

"Stop! Stop it!" Galvatron roared.

"It's the putters fault!" Unicron roared back...and then he connected.

Shockwave watched with real horror as Galvatron was neatly clipped with the skyscraper and rocketed away like a purple golf ball as he was tore out of the ground.

He looked back up at Unicron who suddenly dropped the building and leaned over Cybertron with a groan, clutching his stomach.

Shockwave one eye went wide.

"Oh, fuck no. Not that!"

ooo

Meanwhile, the Autobot heroes raced to Cybertron in their two ships. Ultra Magnus was at the helm, newly restored to life.

He had no idea what they would do against Unicron. Fate had dealt all the cards to their enemies but being Autobots, they would not give up.

"Autobots we face a great evil ahead." Ultra Magnus intoned grimly.

Galvatron came out of nowhere and slammed up against the windshield, spread eagle like a bug.

All the Autobots jumped back and watched, awestruck, as he squeegeed up over the glass and was suddenly gone, left behind them.

"What the fuck?!" Hotrod sputtered, leaning forward and craning his neck to look up and out the window.

Both he and Ultra Magnus sat back and looked at each other.

A moment later and they beheld the mighty Devourer, Unicron. Destroyer of worlds and the Bane of Galaxies looming over their home planet and clutching it in his great hands.

"By the Matrix!" Ultra Magnus gasped.

"We're to late! He's already attacking Cybertron!" Hotrod cried.

Kup leaned forward for a better look.

"I don't think so, kid."

ooo

"BLAARRRGHAL!" Unicron heaved, creating whole new oceans that washed over Cybertron like an acid flood. Decepticon's screamed as the corrosive wash caught them and melted them into slag.

"Blame it on the raaaain-ain-ain!" Unicron sang, rearing up and smacking his lips, wiping his mouth with the back of one hand.

"I hear by dub thee Cry-bertron!"

He did a double take when he noticed the Autobot's arrival.

"Well, well, well. Look who's here. And just in time, Autobots. I feel a lot better!" He roared as he slapped both his hands together, smashing the heroic Autobot's between them.

He turned to Cybertron and ground the crushed vessels into confetti, sprinkling them down over the land with both hands.

"Twinkle twinkle like broken glass! I just kicked the Autobot's ass!" He sang again.

ooo

And so it was that the fate of the Transformers in this particular universe turned out to be something...unexpected, as Unicron planted his foot and gave Cybertron a titanic shove towards the nearest star. He stood there scratching his belly as Cybertron exploded off in the distance. And ignoring the flaming debris, he transformed back into his own planet mode...and flew away.

Things don't always end like they're scripted.

Especially when you add whiskey.

The end.