The Icy Reaper part II: Mammy Nature's Boys

Family/Humor/Romance

Warning: This chapter is rated M for Adult humor, Sexual themes and a lot of strong language. Intended to be a sequel.

Chapter 1: Moving in.

Me and Jack stood in front of the globe, holding hands. The golden lights were glowing brighter than ever before. Every now and then, we turned to face each other and shared a quick kiss. The Guardians stood by the control panel, trying to avoid our gaze.

Jack rested his head on my shoulder. I was starting to have a thought. 'Jack, where do you live?' I asked. 'I... I don't really live anywhere,' he said, 'I mostly spend my time lodging here in the pole.' I smiled. 'Well, I've got room at my house. Do you fancy taking up residence there?' Jack stared at me. I felt a little nervous. 'Yeah, I would.'

The time it took for Jack to move in was virtually instantaneous as his only possession that was truly his own was his staff. On the moving day, I decided to throw a small party for Jack and I had the other Guardians come along to join in.

'Ready Jack?' I asked, with my hands placed over his eyes. He was smiling. 'Yes, I'm ready,' he said, smiling as well. I removed my hands. 'Oh, wow!' Jack said, staring at the cottage. I had changed the desktop theme from Grim to Icy and now it was barely recognisable. The lawns were coated with a thin lining of snow. The trees in the orchard looked like giant snow-cones. The house looked like an iced gingerbread house, the warm lights in the window glowing softly.

Jack turned to me smiling. 'You did this all for me?' he asked, breathlessly. I caressed Jack's cheek. 'Jack, for you I would tear down the moon and that is not an exaggeration,' I said hugging him close to me. 'may i show you and your friend inside, master death?' came a hollow voice. My new maid, Bonehilda the skeleton, had come out of the house to greet us. Jack stared. 'Thank you Bonehilda, but I'll show Jack inside. Is dinner ready?' 'almost sir. i estimate ten more minutes.' 'Jack, let me show you around.' I took his arm and escorted him into the house.

I showed him into the dining hall. The decorations were nothing short of remarkable. Icicles pointed down from the roof and enchanted snow was falling between the individual ice fingers. Most impressively, I had frosted the windows and had pressed words into the ice which formed the sentence "Welcome home Jack." And as for the buffet table... it looked like a cross between thanksgiving and christmas dinner. Turkey, beef, chicken, pork, goose and duck occupied the main silver platters. Potatoes of every kind imaginable from mashed to boiled had been arranged around the table. There were tureens of buttered peas and platters of steamed carrots (especially for Bunny), plates of salmon, a cheese board, a fruit bowl, bottles of champagne, boats of thick, rich gravy, home-made, brick-oven baked bread and in pride of place a massive ice sculpture of Jack.

Jack looked at me, lost for words. A tear slid down his cheek.

About five minutes later the Guardians arrived. Their expressions were even more dumbfounded then Jack's had been. Elves, Yetis, Egg-sentinels and mini-fairies had also come to join the party.

While Bunny was sneaking many of the carrots, Sandy drinking down the champagne to a cheering crowd of elves and Tooth was admiring the thoughtfulness of the fruit bowl, North came up to me and Jack with a plate piled high with what looked like half the buffet table. 'I must offer congratulation, to you,' he said smiling down at us with a small cocktail sausage in his free hand. Jack smiled. 'Thanks North,' he said, taking a small gulp of champagne. I placed my arm around Jack's shoulder. 'I don't think I can find a single factor that can spoil today.'

There came a knock at the door. 'I will get it,' North said, giving his plate to a passing yeti and marching towards the doors. At this point, Bunny and Tooth came up to us. Bunny was smiling. 'Well, I must say mate, you throw a great party,' he said taking a bite of a carrot. 'I can't think of a more perfect couple,' Tooth said smiling. 'Two tender souls whom have never before known true romance...' 'Okay Tooth that's far enough,' I said.

'Have ya noticed?' Bunny said suddenly, pointing over his shoulder. A drunken Sandy was floating there with his hand around Bonehilda's shoulder. 'You don't think he fancies her do you?' Jack asked. I was just about to respond when a scream rent the air. All of us sprinted towards the door, weapons raised as North backed away from the door. Bunny, Tooth and Sandy came to a halt and screamed as well.

Standing in the door frame was a short, fat, bespectacled old woman. Her curly, mouse-brown hair was held up on her head with a leaf-shaped hair pin and under her lip was a large mole. She was wearing a woollen blouse and a mini-skirt. She smiled (Tooth winced) and said 'Hello boy'sh, Mammy'sh back.'

Chapter 1.5: Mammy Arrives.

'M-M-M Mammy Nature?!' North stuttered. 'Ten outta ten for obshervation,' Mammy said. She strode past us, looking around. 'Not bad,' she said. 'I remember the party where I met Manny. Loud mushic, shmoke everywhere, flashing lightsh. I wash there five minutesh before I realished it wash on feckin' fire.' I inhaled half a glass of champagne up my nose as I tried to suppress my laughter. Mammy stared at me.

'What'sh fuckin' wrong wi' you?' she snapped. I flushed. She turned to Jack. ''Ave you found yourshelf a nice little wife, Jack?' 'Wha...!?' Jack spluttered. 'Boyfriend actually,' Tooth interjected suddenly with an attempt at a smile, 'And it's Death.' 'Ah good fer you Tooff,' Mammy said grinning at her, revealing she only had one tooth. Tooth herself winced again.

'Um, Mammy, what are you doing here?' Bunny asked. His left ear was twitching. 'The fam'ly homesh bein' de-c'ntaminated. Granddad'sh contracted dyshintry and he shat out the houshe.' Sandy winced at this crude statement. Mammy left the room and then came back in wheeling an old, fat man in a wheelchair. He was fast asleep. 'Grandfather Time?' Tooth exclaimed. At the mention of his name, Grandfather Time suddenly woke up, pointed at Jack and said 'What's he doin' here alive?' 'I'm shure he'sh lookin' at you thinkin' eshactly the shame thing,' Mammy said before hitting granddad on the head with a tray. He passed out.

'Ave' ye got anywhere t' shtay?' Mammy asked. All of the Guardians looked awkward. Finally Bunny said 'There's always room at the Warren.' 'Thanksh, but Granddad needs a houshe, not a fuckin' shit-hole.' Bunny looked quite affronted at this, but seemed too afraid of Mammy to say anything about it. 'I have room at my Palace,' Tooth offered gently. 'I don't fanshy being pecked to shleep by a load'a fuckin' pigeonsh every night.' Tooth flushed. 'The Pole is free,' North said. 'Fuckin' perfect,' Mammy said. 'Come and 'elp me wit' Granddad. He needsh hish medsh,' and Mammy took out a bottle of Viagra.

'You're giving him Viagra!?' I exclaimed. 'The Groundhog shaid it would shtop him pisshing on hish shlippersh.' Jack cuckled under his breath, 'Did it work?' he asked, attempting to keep a straight face. 'Kinda,' Mammy said. 'Hish shlippersh are dry, but hesh pisshin' on the fuckin' ceiling now.'

This is a tester chapter. further reviews will give me a better idea as to what to do.

Note: This is my enterpritation of Mother Nature, intended for amusement purposes only. Any similarities to any people living or dead is completely coincidental and not my fault.