Chapter four: The feeling

Sollux's P.O.V

Act on impulse. Swallow the pills by the bottle, down the bottle of hard liquor, and put the gun to your chest hoping to end it all. Wish you could turn off all the voices. The questions. The sound. So close on the trail of ugliness, close out all the trails of filth and despair. Find the light.

Cast away yesterday, and the day before that, months, years, days, today. Cast away all fucking judgment.

Stop the fear.

Stop the loathing.

Somehow, stop all the pain.

Most of all pain.

I should have put the gun to my head, worried less about brain dead and more about being dead. Instead I put it to my heart, more of a reason to make it stop beating. To stop breathing.

It's a curious place, the place of blood loss, anesthesia, and the smell of antiseptic.

You swim to the top from the dark hole you are in and everything hits you like you are on the train tracks, its messy. Voices, faces, Pain.

Pretty peaceful here most of the time, as long as I get my meds on time.

Get it?

If you don't you have never been baker acted in your whole life.

Wasted.

That's the only way to get by in the Looney bin.

"Sollux!" I hear Karkat's angry voice call for mine and I turn around from my work to see him looking at me with angry, tired eyes.

"Yeth?"

"Can I have some water and maybe a sandwich?"

I smile, "Of courthe."

I want him to say please, at least once. He's been here for a day and a half, mostly he has been sleeping and only asking for food. I wonder when it will come time for him to go to the bathroom what he's going to say when I have to go in with him.

I go to the kitchen and make him a sandwich, roast beef on rye with mayo and mustard. Karkat is specific. Very specific. I make the sandwich and hear the whispering. My eyes widen and I just don't get it. I took my meds, why would they be coming out?

I take a breath in and bring the sandwich up to Karkat, he nods and I want him to say thank you to me, but he doesn't.

Hit him.

What? No I will not.

Yes, do it, he is rude and not respectful to you.

He is fine, that's just kk's personality, please go away.

Hit him you pussy.

I take in a deep breath and go over to my desk, my heart hurts and I do not want to hit Karkat. He is my friend and he trusts me. I do not want to scare him away.

You see this? You cannot do it because you like him don't you?

"No," I say in a whisper.

You do, you fall so fucking easily.

"Hey, Sollux, you okay?" Karkat asks, seeming a bit worried.

My teeth are chattering and I do not want to tell him what is going on, he will leave me. Just like the others, I turn to him putting on a smile, "Jutht fine kk."

Karkat eyes me and takes a bite out of his sandwich, "Oh, alright."

I turn back to my work, which consists of coding for a few companies. I have them up on various screens and am scanning my eyes from one to the other.

"Sollux?"

Karkat broke my concentration and my head perked up, "Yeth?"

"I can't sleep anymore, so um, can we talk about stuff or some shit?"

"Ugh, I really can't. I am working."

"..Oh, okay."

Karkat seems sad and I feel terrible, "Um, maybe in like five minutes I can take a break okay?"

I think I can imagine him smiling, even though if I turn it would be a frown, "Okay."

I work and get really into it, my fingers move fast and my eyes scan from one company to the next. Five minutes go by ever so fast but I got stuff done within that time. I get up and go over to Karkat sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling up a corner of the blanket, looking at his foot.

I take his foot and move it around, Karkat squeaks and I blush, "Thorry, doeth it thtill hurt a bit?"

Karkat nods, wincing even when I put it down.

"Do you have to use the bathroom before we start talking?"

Karkat lets out a frustrated sigh and nods, I nod as well and pick him up from under the knees and hold onto him as I go to the bathroom and close the door. I set him down in front of the toilet and he looks at me, "Alright you can leave now."

"Nope, not going to have another incident like latht time."

Karkat blushes and starts to walk out but cringes and his knees buckle. I grab him by his waist and shoosh him as I place him in front of the bowl again.

"C'mon it'th not that bad, just relax."

Karkat let out a list of grumbles and curse words and starts to unbutton and unzip his pants. I am holding him by his hips and looking down at him, I start to see him pull out his manhood and then I automatically look up blushing. I then remember that Karkat is only seventeen and I should not be looking at his manhood.

I hear Karkat then start to relieve himself and I blush softly at the sound of Karkat peeing, and the fact the I am holding him by his hips. I feel him shake twice and just that is more than enough to get me to swoon.

Maybe my voices are right, maybe I do fall too fast.

Karkat tucks away his manhood and turns to me, "Can I wash my hands?"

"Thure."

I take Karkat over to the sink and he washes his hands, he washes them with complete and utter focus and I giggle. He glares at me in the mirror and I then pick him up again and take him to the bedroom, setting him down on the bed and sitting down with him.

"Tho what do you wanna talk about?" I ask.

"Why you chose to take me in in my time of desperate need."

I shrug, Karkat hits my shoulder hard, I rub it and give him a honest answer, "Becauthe It theemed like you needed thomeone to talk to, then when you thtarted thaying that you wanted to die I didn't want to leave you alone in the houthe you know?"

Karkat looked away, rubbing his arms.

"I wath worried for you."

"Liar."

I quirked an eyebrow, "Why would I lie about thomething like that?"

Karkat lets out a frustrated sigh and I wished I knew what was going through his mind at the time, "You just are, I know it."

I go over to hug Karkat, "No, I'm not I promithe," I start to wrap my arms around Karkat but he shoves me away and brings his legs up to his chest, putting his forehead on his knees, he is shaking and I feel my heart breaking.

"Pleathe Karkat, let me hug you."

"No, I don't want your pity."

"I don't pity you, I am your friend."

He peeks up, "Huh?"

"I am your friend, thilly."

I see Karkat's lips start to form a smile then it goes away, I poke at him, "Did I just thee a thmile? C'mon, a thmile? Do it again."

Karkat hides his face but I know he is smiling, "Yeah."

"Lemme thee it," I plead.

Karkat looks up with his head resting on his arms and he smiled at me. He is the cutest boy I have ever seen, and these feelings starting to rise for the little snot? I have no clue what to do with it or how to feel. I run my fingers through his hair and smile at him, he smiles back and I lean in going for his lips.

Snap out of it Sollux!

I go for his forehead and kiss him there, I pull away with a crimson blush on my cheeks. Karkat looks at me startstruck and in awe, does he have anything to say?

"Um, I have to get back to work," I say.

"O-Of course," he stutters.

I get up and go back to work, putting on my headset and talking to the companies that were being inpatient about receiving their finished product soon. I told them to chill and that they would have it. I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked to see Karkat who was, what, what was he doing?

Karkat sat on my lap with his arms around my neck, I blushed and looked at him, "Wh-What are you doing kk?"

"I am bored, I'm going to watch you work."

"Oh alright," I stare at the screen, "tith pretty boring."

"Think I can't handle it?"

"Pretty sure."

"Oh you're on."